Nate Robinson Has Ups/Is An Idiot

I don't know how I missed this because I was watching the game, but I could watch this on loop for hours.

Here is the Celtics' Nate Robinson trying to celebrate a great play from Paul Pierce against the Knicks, only to wind up looking like one of his 1800 tries in his annual dunk contest debacle.

Big thanks to reader DJ Aphlatoon for the link.



Happy 2011 folks. I literally had to ask my wife what year it was before I wrote that.

Artest Is Da Best

The shout out to the psychiatrist is the best. Can't think of a better way to go into the weekend.

Wait, here's a better way: Noted jackass Glen Davis was wrong on his game 7 prediction and he goes home a loser. THAT'S the best way to go into the weekend. Have a good two days off!

Eeesh

These Eastern Conference Finals in an image:



Tough for Magic fans...

Orlando Magic Dancers Dunking

Arrrrg! The Celtics have a 1-0 lead on the Magic in the Eastern Conference Finals. Who do I blame? Myself. As a prototypical superstitious fan, I feel my mistake of leaving the Boston Celtics cheerleaders for too long on the website has given them luck in droves. Out of nowhere they dismantled the Cavs and are well on their way to doing it to the Magic as well.

To counteract this, I present Orlando Magic Dancers in their native habitat...that being dunking on foos. Stuff the Magic Mascot, the biggest collage of tripped out 60's marijuana haze ever to be conceived in a mascot, helps them along the way. I firmly believe that Stuff was created by the brain of Michael Beasley.

Anyhoo...DANCERS DUNKING!

Hot Cheerleader Wednesday: Boston Celtics

As a Magic fan, I would love nothing more than for the Celtics to beat the Cavaliers tonight, thus setting up an easier route for Orlando to make it to the NBA Finals. I honestly can't stand anyone on the Celtics except Brian Scalabrine, but the playoffs are all about matchups so I'm willing to put differences aside.

On a side note, here is an interesting tidbit from Wikipedia about the Celtics logo:

The Boston Celtics logo was designed by Red Auerbach's brother, Zang.

I can't believe there is a less successful brother out there named "Zang Auerbach". As a parent, you KNOW you are making one of your sons the less successful one when you opt for "Zang".

Anyhoo, enough of my rantings. Here are some ladies wearing green and white, none of whom appear to be Irish:
Look at those smiles. Truly, being an NBA cheerleader is a profession you can brag to your high school friends about and bring up at thanksgiving dinner. In fact, you tell people, "Hey, google 'Boston Celtics Cheerleader' and you'll see me up there. I even have my rump turned suggestively to the camera lens! Isn't that funny, grandma?"

Well, imagine ol' granny's expression when she googles "Boston Celtics Cheerleader", your image comes up...and it happens to be in this golden nugget of photographic genius:

Someone give this guy an award. The fact that the cameraman/camerawoman had the insight to scoot the frame over ever-so-slightly to include him makes it even better. -For this, you see, isn't as much a great photo as it is a metaphoric representation of the Boston sports bar world, where amidst your "Yankees wicked SUCK!" and "Knock Eli's block off, Broooooski!" you can still have a good time.

You can almost imagine Sam Adams doing a similar gesture to the British during the Boston Tea Party. God bless America.

Evidence For Why D-Wade Is Leaving Miami: Exhibit A

God damn....

Boston Ups Its Jackass Quotient

Sheed, perhaps the least likeable player in the NBA since Kobe matured, is off to the team that many can argue is the least likeable team at the moment.  Yes, "Sir White Hair Spot" is off to Boston, giving them this ridiculous starting 5:

K. Garnett

R. Wallace

P. Pierce

R. Allen

R. Rondo

I'm curious when the vegas odds for favorites to win the NBA finals come out, because I will bet the house on that team.  Add in Kendrick Perkins and Eddie House, who both seriously matured in extended minutes during last year's playoffs, and this team is terrifying.

Ron-Ron to the Lakers and now this?  The talent in the NBA pool seems to be completely out of sorts lately.  Do you even watch this upcoming season if you are a fan of a team like the Bucks?  Okay, bad example.  -But even good teams like the Nuggets and Mavs suddenly look like they shouldn't even try against powerhouses like the Celtics, Lakers, Cavs and (should they get another quality free agent) the Magic.

Ah, who gives a crap.  It's the offseason.  Let's worry about that in three months time.  TIME FOR NUDE BEACH VOLLEYBALL!

Semi-Final Prediction Recap Time!

Unlike ESPN, I am not a fan of throwing predictions out there and then not doing any following up whatsoever. It's only fair to see how THF fared with the previous round of the playoffs, with forecasts both boneheaded AND moronic:

Semi-Final Predictions:

Prediction: Cavs in 5
Prediction: Cavs in 4
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: Lebron and the Cavs came out and made the Hawks look even worse than they did against the Heat in round 1. Honestly, did any team look worse in the playoffs this year than Atlanta? Pee-ew. It's 50/50 on whether the Cavs have actually been practicing the past week, or just coming up with new dance moves and intros.


Prediction: Magic in 6
Prediction: Magic in 7
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Magic looked like the better team all series, but made REALLY stupid decisions on the court and did not shoot well from the 3 point line. Dwight and company were super close to self-destructing, as was my heart after watching them give up 80 point leads at the ends of nearly all of their games. This series took at least 2 years off my life. On a side note, I realized that Stan Van Gundy looks like every cartoon I've seen on the front of a pizza box.


Prediction: Lakers in 5
Prediction: Lakers in 7
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Lakers lost two more than I predicted by half-assing it. There really is no other way to put it, ESPECIALLY with TMac and Yao not playing. The Lakers have become the team no one wants to see win it, while Houston and ooogly Luis Scola have become America's darlings. -Well, until Ron-Ron starts tomahawk-chopping people during the regular season next year. You know that playoff intensity will take a while to wear off.


Prediction: Nuggets in 6
Prediction: Nuggets in 5
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: I am very happy to say that I wrote this before the Nuggets played the Mavs: "The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs." Now that everyone and their mother is picking them to possibly upset the Lakers, I can sit back with a shit-eating grin on my face. Still, there seems to be something cosmically off with the idea of a person like George Karl EVER beating a coach like Phil Jackson in anything meaningful. I'm going to have to mull over that one.


And there you have it. I am rather proud of how well the predictions came out with going 4-0. Tomorrow I get back to completely crapping the bed with my idiotic Conference Final Predictions! Until then, keep sucking on those throat losenges, Doc Rivers. Eventually your voice will come back from that gutteral, hoarsey sound it's been the past few weeks.

Tonight Four Teams Decide Their Destiny

Tonight is a HUGE night for the Celtics, Magic, Lakers and Rockets, as two of the four aforementioned teams will be eliminated from the 2009 NBA Playoffs. The Lakers and Magic should win, but the Rockets and Celtics don't seem to have to have that whole "we only win to save face after an embarrasing loss" thing that the Magic and Lakers have.

Yet another year that there is an important series and I am not in the locker room for the pep talk beforehand. This year I would go with a profanity-laden speech as if it were dubbed for network television. It would start out with telling them "This is the most important game of the flippin' season, you pieces of scrap!" and ending simply with, "Go out there and win, mother-truckers."

Ah, who am I kidding? I could never beat this:



It's quite interesting to learn that the snakes are, in fact, monkey-flying and that the plane was available for transport from Monday to Friday (but not on weekends).

Attention Dwight Howard: The Nickname "Big Baby" Is Already Taken

For once, I'll actually be semi-serious in this post. It's been an incredibly crummy time to be an Orlando Magic fan.

I was heartbroken by the Magic loss last night. Actually, that is a huge understatement. I was devastated. It wasn't just a loss. For me the loss was accompanied by a few horrific realizations:
1) The Celtics have figured out how to beat the Magic, along with the rest of America: Make them take jumpshots the whole game. This is a flaw the Magic seem to be too wussy to overcome.

2) With the Celtics figuring out how to beat the Magic, this series stands a good chance of being over. The Magic squandered a 2-1 lead and now sit on the brink of elimination.

3) Hedo Turkoglu and Marcin Gortat likely won't be with the Magic next year. Right now might be the best shot the team has for a title with contract hell binding the team's future.

4) Dwight Howard's intensity level, and leadership abilities have been zilch. The guy has come as close to being invisible this playoffs as anyone could imagine, and has shown ZERO heart.

As my head was in my hands, Dwight Howard said this:



I could not believe what I was hearing. Did he not HEAR my #4 point? Dwight Howard, the same guy who was COMPLETELY shut down by Kendrick Perkins to the point of having to take crazy Ewing hook shots (and missing them BADLY), and has been a virtual mute on the court, is calling out his COACHES and his TEAM for not giving him the ball MORE?!

I nearly pooped myself.

It was as I was staring, wide-eyed at the television that the commercial with Dwight Howard came on. You know the one. He's standing by the sea, talking with Charles Barkley on a cell phone, and is pissing on Sir Charles for injuring the video game likeness of himself. It dawned on me then that this press conference evidenced what we all feared: Dwight Howard has completely lost track of reality. His hype has officially eclipsed his intered in improving his post game and his free throws. The same guy we cheered on as he used the Superman dunk to stardom had taken that cape and flown too close to the sun.

Realizing that my team had a coach that it's players hated, had a core that was about to be shredded with the departure of Turkoglu, had a self-centered superstar who looked past his failing team and only saw his pretty reflection, and a future that was locked into a ton of big contracts, I turned off the television.

At this point, I realized who was going to win the championship this year: The Cleveland Cavaliers. I know you Lakers fans are cocky as hell, but the Cavs have everything the Magic don't right now:

-A coach who the players love and believe in.

-A superstar who makes those around him better.

-A team that is filled with selfless players, including Joe Smith who is playing for the team despite not earning or playing much.

-A team that doesn't let up when they see the finish line approaching.

-A team that supports each other, like when the team rallied around Mo Williams not getting an initial All Star invite.

The Lakers are lacking in the last three categories, which is why I think they'll ultimately fall either in the Finals, or (you heard it here first) I could easily see them losing in 6 to the Nuggets.

Anyhoo, my apologies for the drawn out seriousness of this post. I'll be back to normal tomorrow, after my Orlando Magic grieving subsides.

Big Baby Wins The Game/Sends Message To America's Obese

In case you have avoided all sports media this morning, you missed much discussion of Big Baby's buzzer beater against the Magic to tie the series 2-2.  For me, this was secondary to the message Big Baby sent to America's obese:  I will shove your ass.

After Glen Davis' amazing shot, he celebrated the way a true hero would: by running along the sidelines, cursing loudly about doing horrible things to people's mothers.  While running, Big Baby shoved a fat kid out of the way, and it was this gesture that showed the world how he felt about about the nation's rising weight epidemic.  It was a powerful message, especially coming from a player who weighed roughly 600 lbs coming out of college.  

Someday, when Big Baby is retired and is no doubt hawking some exercise device, this will be the video they show.  He'll say, "It wasn't until I felt the weight of that chubby munchkin, careening off of my body into the stands, that I realized the dark path that obesity can lead one on.  From that moment on I decided to fight back...with the Big Baby Ab Crunch Pro!"  Of course, coming from Big Baby's mouth it'll sound more like "Me Big Baby Happy.  Yaaaaaaay (clapping)"

I would love to interview that fat kid today, just to see if I can set up some sort of celebrity boxing match between him and Big Baby in the future.  Were that to happen, I would die a happy man.

There Must Have Been A Spider There

Good Samaritan, Rafer Alston must have noticed a deadly black widow on the back of Eddie House's head tonight immediately after House drained a three in his grill.


If you don't remember, Alston was brought in mid-season by the Magic to fill in for Jameer Nelson who was lost for the year. From Houston, Rafer has brought along his dead-eye shooting (6-22 this series, 0-6 from three) and lock-down defense (Rajon Rondo is averaging a triple-double). Unless Stu Jackson thinks its OK for players to just smack people upside their head we'll be looking at an Orlando team in Game 3 with Anthony Johnson starting at the point and Tyronn Lue coming off the bench.

I'm sorry, but I just threw up in my mouth writing that. I'm done.

Nostradamus, Move Your Ass Over

So far, my semi picks are completely on track, including my "Rockets stealing a game in L.A." one. I'm feeling good...damn good. So, good, in fact, I'll make a few more predictions:

-Big Baby will get at LEAST 1 technical foul in this series, possibly even getting ejected from a game.

-Kobe Bryant will have an injury scare, which will be milked in the media on a slow news day. Kobe will be completely fine. Again, stay the hell away from Lakers press this playoffs. It will only hurt you.

-Birdman will be on a huge number of talk shows after the Nuggets advance to the West Finals. Every single interviewer will talk incessantly about his drug use, forgetting he even plays basketball.

-The Cavs series will have low television ratings due to blowouts. David Stern will whisper to others, "The Hawks will never make the playoffs again under my watch".

-The record will be set for most times a valley girl looks at a TV screen in a crowded bar and says, "Ewwww. Who is THAT guy?" It will be your job to inform her with a short biography of Stan Van Gundy.

Speaking of Magic, I nearly had a heart attack watching Orlando almost blow a 28 point lead last night. The Magic played awful, but good lord those refs want every single game to go into overtime and they'll be DAMNED if they don't.

My blood pressure is rising so I'd prefer to focus on happier times, such as this monster dunk by Dwight. Enjoy*




I apologize to Celtics fans reading this. I have nothing against you, but the playoffs brings a beast from within that makes me root for the Magic like nothing else. I promise I'll love you again if the Magic beat your brains out. Promise!

We Predict Things: Conference Semi-Fiesta!

Despite what ESPN might have you believe, there actually were other games going on in the first round of the NBA playoffs besides the Celtics and Bulls. I will even dare say that the games have been pretty great to watch for teams that weren't named the Heat or Hawks.

So with the games being so much fun so far, let's take a quick gander into the crystal ball at who will win the conference semifinal matchups:

Who: Cavs vs Hawks

Winner: Cavs in 5

Why: After watching the Hawks this past series, I have made the conclusion that Josh Smith is the next coming of Zach Randolph. -An insanely gifted athlete with a head full of rocks. That being said, the Cavs are scary good this year, and seem like they are genuinely having a blast playing. When you're playing a team that is smiling in high pressure games, you know you're screwed. It almost makes you wonder where would this team be without Wally Szczerbiak. Oh, that's right, exactly where they are right now.

Who: Celtics vs. Magic

Winner: Magic in 6

Why: I'm picking the Magic not only am I a retardedly optimistic homer, but the Celtics are playing against Howard with Kendrick Perkins and Mikki Moore. Sure, there will be that game that Howard gets no calls and the refs make it close, but I see many Big Baby-Howard matchups on the horizon and that spells doom for the Celtics. If the rest of the playoffs are any indication, Rajon Rondo might rip off someone's nose in this series only to have the NBA say it isn't a flagrant foul (Rondo was going after the nose-shaped-basketball, silly goose).

Who: Lakers vs. Rockets

Winner: Lakers in 5

Why: Take a look at that photo of a clean-cut Pau Gasol. You almost want to tell that young lad, "In your future, you will resemble an ogre. Invest in beard combs NOW." Going back to the series, mark my words: The Rockets will steal a game in L.A., prompting the talking heads on TV to talk incessantly about it for a few days. The Rockets will then promptly lose from then on out, and the talk will turn to "who will stop the Lakers" talk. My message here: If you hear the word "Lakers" on the radio, quickly throw it out of the window. You'll save yourself a lot of aggrevation.

Who: Nuggets vs. Mavs

Winner: Nuggets in 6

Why: The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs. Half the country is still seeing them for the first time and saying, "Wow...Carmelo Anthony cut his hair? When did THAT happen?" It's sad the Nuggets aren't getting more credit as they really are the only team that can push the Lakers in the West in my opinion. They also crushed the titan known as "Dumars", with a trade so good that it made Denver a contender and crushed the Pistons core for good. This series will also be fun to watch simply for the massive amount of camera cut-aways to a pissed-off-looking Mark Cuban in the stands. If you play a drinking game with it, you will have a good time.

Time to watch the Magic-Celtics game. Post your picks to win in the comments section or shoot us an email. Toodles!

The BEST Play Of The NBA Weekend

I was extremely happy the Magic won to tie the series with the Sixers 2-2, but for me the highlight of the NBA games this weekend was Ben Gordon's amazing clutch 3-pointer to send the game into double overtime against the Celtics (a game the Bulls later won as a result).

Scratch that.

The highlight for me followed immediately afterward. It was Ben Gordon celebrating by grabbing his groin in a profane way after the shot. I nearly shot beer out of my nose as I laughed out loud. Anubis Taylor was beside me, dodging Samuel Adams spittle.

Mark my words, the next time I get a promotion or raise at work, I am doing this:




Thus, if you see a tall guy with a tie and a suit with his hand on his crotch, skipping down the streets of New York and yelling in the air, it's most likely me.

If it's not me, then chances are you are a female and it's this guy. You should then find a place to hide.

America Curses Under Its Breath Over Boston's Narrow Victory Over The Bulls, All ESPN Analysts Orgasm Collectively

After a pair of threes by Ben Gordon, the Bulls looked like they were on their way to win number 2 in Boston. Then Ray Allen looked at the collective NBA fandom rooting against the Celtics in this year's playoffs and did this to them:



With Allen's three with two seconds left, the Bulls only had one option: Advance the ball with a quick timeout and take a well-thought-out shot. Oops, I mistyped. I meant to write that Vinny Del Negro uses up timeouts like Michael Jackson uses up Gi Joes-on-a-string and nets, so the Bulls were forced for the second straight game to chuck the ball downcourt. This was pretty deflating to watch, and KG's bizarre pursed-lip celebration only made it worse.

I don't know the exact moment that I started rooting against the Celts this year, but I am quite positive it started as a result of the massive amount of hype ESPN panelists have put on them this season. When someone hears, "Oh they're UNSTOPPABLE! The BIG THREE will cruise to another championship! I want to have BIG BABY'S CHILDREN" enough times, it just makes you hate a team. Now that the Celtics lost KG and Leon Powe for the playoffs, the sports foos are making the Celtics (A team deep and talented enough that it got Mikki Moore and Stephon Marbury for peanuts in exchange for the chance to win a championship) into some sort of "underdog". Balderdash, I say. They're also now all over Kobe and the Lakers' junk, making any analysis of that team equally tough to listen to. Screw AFLAC, my new motto that I am going to bark out for these playoffs is "ABTLAC" (Anybody But The Lakers And Celtics).

As if in response to my anti-purple and green rant, my sportsticker just let me know that the Cavs went up by 22 on the Pistons. Save us, Lebron...you're our only hope.

It's Playoff MADNESS!!!!!!

Blahblahblah Lakers blahblahblah Nuggets blahblah Cavs blah blah. We knew how many of the games involving the teams would end this week, so let's just gloss over those and say it was nice to see those teams play. Two of the games this past weekend were incredible and completely blew my socks off: The Bulls overtime win against the Celtics, and the Sixers last second comeback against the Magic.

Let's start with the Celtics game. Watching Derrick "Poodini" Rose was like watching a beautiful flower blossom if said flower was a Memphis graduate with a weird wizard tattoo. Rose was slashing and dashing all over the place, while the Celtics managed the game slow and steady with their talent. In the first game, it was heart versus talent and heart won (much to the delight of that useless chick from Captain Planet). You take one look at Joakim Noah and Tyrus Thomas and...yeah, heart won this game.

Speaking of Tyrus Thomas, WHERE the hell did he come from at the end of that game? He was hitting clutch jumpshots all over the place, and you could see the life slowly draining from Vinny Del Negro's face each time he put a shot up. The fact that his shots went in at all was proof that there actually is a wizard named Poodini somewhere altering the fate our planet, and he is a Bulls fan.

For me, the games this weekend went from pure elation in the Bulls win to tragic, smash-your-head-against-a-wall defeat with the Magic. I watched as Orlando's 18 point lead flew through their legs like Bill Buckner...and knew they would lose the game. That's right, I knew wayyyy ahead of time that this one was lost. Why? Because the number one rule of being a Magic fan is knowing which games you just need to toss Hedo Turkoglu's ass on the bench. You know from the first 10 minutes whether he will hit most of the shots he takes in a game or miss every single one. He didn't make a shot UNTIL THE END OF THE FOURTH QUARTER, which would send off warning bells that it was time to yank him and call in the many other reserves. Such was not the case, and as Hedo was passed the ball for the final shot with 2 seconds left, I actually looked up at the ceiling of my apartment and asked, "Why? Why did they have him in the game in this juncture." I didn't even have to look back down to know the Sixers had won and Hedo Turkoglu had not even hit the rim (the ball bounced off of the backboard with a sick thud that echoed the thud in my stomach).

Ugh, enough ranting. For every victory, there is a defeat, and in the mirror of life there is most like some other amazingly handsome, muscular writer posting about how happy he was that the Sixers won and pissed that the Celtics lost. That's just the way it is, methinks.

Stay tuned for more daily playoff coverage as the week progresses. I'll need an outlet for the Turkoglu hate.

These Celtics Take Themselves Seriously

I've posted a lot of team hijinks on this site, and somehow the Celtics keep popping up as one of the silliest championship teams in history. Here is Eddie House and the rookies impersonating Ray Allen and singing various tunes:



Tune in next week for the Celtics dance-off and nude slip-n-slide with Glen "Big Baby" Davis!

Checking Out The Latest Leon Powe Twitter? FRAUD I SAY!

For those of you hoping to catch up on the latest hot Leon Powe-related action via Twitter, I have some news for you: Leon Powe has no idea how to use Twitter...so for the (according to accounts) 300 or so of you subscribed to his Twitter feed, you've been had.

For good measure, Powe added:

“I don’t even mess with the computers like that. If I did, it would be cool, but nobody has come to me and talked to me about anything like that,” he said, adding, “I think being an athlete, it could be a positive but sometimes it could be a negative, too. Being an athlete, you’re always out there and people are always going to find stories and find what you did eight years ago. So it’s basically the same thing.”

This begs the obvious question: Who in the heck are these people subscribing to Twitter feeds from Leon Powe? Are they friends? High class prostitutes (Hey there, Sham-wow guy!)? Maybe just really misinformed fans of Edgar Allen Poe.  I have no idea, but I'm going to spend the rest of my night Twittering as Emmanuel Lewis as a result.  Yay for identity theft!

Stephen Hawking Hates The Celtics

So apparently there is some group out there called BeatBoston09, and their entire existence is devoted to hating the Boston Celtics. While I am impartial on who wins the championship this year, I am always hoping someone new gets a chance, which I guess would add me to the list of people hoping the Celts slip up this year. It's nothing personal, just business, Big Baby Davis.

Still, I did have to laugh at the anger these anti-Celtics fans have. Here is a message from them, which sounds like it is from Stephen Hawking, to the Boston fans around the globe. Enjoy.