Superman, Krypto-Nate, and Russell "Aquaman" Westbrook

I couldn't think of a fitting superhero name for Russell Westbrook, so "Aquaman" was there for the taking. A "brook" is a stream of water after all...yeah, screw it...I know it's a stretch.

Anyhoo, everyone is talking about my boy Dwight's INSANE 75 foot pre-game shot, which is all the more crazy because it looks like he just flicks it off of his wrist half-heartedly.

Those who aren't talking about Howard are marvelling at Nate Robinson's alley-oop dunk in which he gets about 20 feet off of the floor on his wee little flea legs.

Well, I submit this play into the mix. In the game against the Warriors, Russell Westbrook goes Ron Jeremy by tag-teaming the poor defender in the middle of an off-the-glass-alley-oop-dunk. That's FIVE hyphens, kids!



This collection of videos brought to you by God, in order to remind you to be humble. -Also brought to you by steroids, in case you don't want to be humble.

A-Rod Buries What Would Have Been Biggest Story

If you think all that happened in the world of sports was the Alex Rodriguez press conference, I have a more dramatic and legendary story for you that's steroid-free!

For hundreds of years the tale has been told around Native American campfire. A herd of American bison was lost in the Arbuckle Mountains during a ferocious storm- the kind only Oklahoma can produce.
Hail fell and tornadoes spun all around the herd as they stampeded, trying to find their way down to the safety of the plains.
One lone bison stayed behind as he helped each of his friends escape down a treacherous ravine... once all of his friends were safe he began his descent, only to find his way blacked by fallen boulders.
Lost, he climbed to the tallest peak; left to face the storm alone and searching for a way down the mountain, he was struck by a bolt of lightning.
The bolt did not destroy him, but, by the power of the god of thunder, changed him. Suddenly, he walked on two legs like a man. He possessed amazing strength and agility- he could jump higher, run faster, think more clearly than any beast.
But because he was no longer a bison- and yet not a man- he was alone.
With many sightings, the legend grew through the years of a mighty bison with remarkable powers roaming the hills alone.
Not until a group of men who carried similar powers came to Oklahoma City did he find some- where he belonged. These men also possessed the power to jump higher, run faster, and perform acrobatic dunks more spectacular than anyone in the land. They too carried the roar of Thunder ever time they took the court.
So he joined their team. And the new legend of Rumble was born.

Sure...whatever. As long as he has pants (unlike this perv,Crunch) we're cool with putting up with the him during ZERO times we see an Oklahoma City Thunder game.

NBA'S First H-O-R-S-E Competition: Thumbs Down

One of the most odd events of the NBA All-Star Weekend was the H-O-R-S-E competition between Kevin Durant, Joe Johnson, and OJ Mayo. The competition started off as potentially the most boring thing I've ever seen on television, with the players acting half-interested and challenging each other to hit (gasp) ten foot jumpers! To make matters worse, you had to spell G-E-I-C-O, which made the organizers seem like W-H-O-R-E-S. That was a pun, ladies and gents.

As soon as I was ready to give up on the competition altogether, OJ Mayo (bless his heart) got as bored as I did and started bombing shots from the audience, from the ground, and started doing granny/Rick Barry free throws. The man single-handedly got America back into the competition, only to be bested by a robotic, expressionless, emaciated Kevin Durant. Durant just took three-pointers the whole time, attempting only one "circus" shot from behind the scorer's table and annoying the hell out of me.

Well, apparently Durant got his just desserts, with him openly saying, "I thought I was going to get a better trophy than THAT" today, after being presented with a crappy plastic horse trophy as his reward for standing in the sun for an hour and a half.

You can see the crummy My Little Pony trophy by scrolling to around 3:10 below.




Seriously, could it be more obvious that they forgot to get a trophy and sent someone to the Toys R Us at the last second? That thing is just depressing.

Durant Is Still Dodging the Thunderous Dunks

I took a look at Kevin Durant lately and decided that he still needs to add a wee bit more bulk onto his 37 pound frame. He is a great player, but methinks that if he wants to in any way be seen as a force of power and intensity he needs to start downing Pro Performance Weight Gainer immediately. Corey Maggette, do me a favor and back me up here:



Yowza. You can see how tentative Durant is going up for that block attempt, not even getting close to actually blocking the shot for fear that his arm would rip off like that guy on "Lost" last night. To add insult to injury, the ball flies through the net and slams Durant in the head, almost decapitating him. Will Durant sustain a crazy injury with his wirey frame, or will he somehow beat the odds like anorexia poster child Tayshaun Prince? ONLY TIME WILL TELL!

I Would Have Preferred A Cloud

Today the Oklahoma City Thunder announced the concept behind their team's mascot, much to the interest of meteorologists everywhere. Those same weathermen are in the process of writing some very angrily-worded letters, because the Thunder are going with a bison mascot. Yes, that's right...a bison.

I'm not really certain how the animal and the weather forecast have anything to do with each other, but perhaps it is already part of the team management slowly backtracking their steps on that whole "naming our team after a nonthreatening sound associated with rain" thing. When it comes time to pick a logo and a mascot, the team has to stare at their hands and realize that only lightning would be a visible representation of thunder and that would be misleading. I'm not sure if an equally nonthreatening animal that spends its day chewing grass and defecating in fields is the proper way to overcompensate, but hey that's just me. Congrats Oklahom-ians!

Scott Brooks: Your New Skipper Of The Titanic!

The mulleted piece of man-meat pictured above is Scott Brooks, and he has just been named the new interim coach of the Oklahoma City Thunder (Kapowww). I honestly had no knowledge of Scott Brooks coming into today, which is somewhat odd as I pride myself on being a veritable encyclopedia of mulleted sports players past and present. Looking at Scott Brooks' wikipedia page doesn't reveal much either, other than the fact that in addition to the NBA he played in the CBA and the WBL (two little-known basketball leagues that nevertheless completely trump the WNBA in terms of legitimacy).

One thing that does stand out is that the CBA team he played for was named "The Albany Patroons". A "patroon" is defined as "A landholder in New Netherland who, under Dutch colonial rule, was granted proprietary and manorial rights to a large tract of land in". -The other definition is "A ship captain"...so yeah...take from that what you will. (Walks away as "The More You Know" jingle plays)

The Thunder Suck Officially Now!

Well, gang, the OKC Thunder are officially a franchise. -A boring, yellow, blue and orange franchise. The "guitar pick of apathy" was officially unveiled today to a smattering of claps and yawns, and somewhere a Knicks fan said, "Hey...they just took the Knicks' colors. They just changed the white to a yellowish-white" Unfortunately no one heard said man because they were still booing the pick of Danilo Gallinari.

Who wants some completely generic apparel?! I DO!

Serial killers are rejoicing looking at this. Now they officially have something they can murder people in and then seamlessly blend into society. This shirt could be any shirt bought from Walmart or Target, and the bland font screams "I made this on cafepress.com for about 2 dollars". Even the Adidas logo under it looks like a mirror image of the logo. The only positive? Now I can officially start referring to him as Kevin (Thun)-Durant. Whoopie.

A Thunderclap Of Crap...A "ThunderCrap"

We are close to the unveiling of the Oklahoma City Thunder logo...wait a tick...what's this?

Oh, my bad. Someone took the old Pistons logo, got rid of that weird horse with the mufflers poking out of it, and slapped a completely uninteresting triangle on it. For a second there I thought it was the new Thunder logo. Oops. I stumbled upon a generic pile of poop.

Okay, seriously...what is the boring nothingness on this ball? They didn't even have the decency to put a cloud on the darn thing? A lightning bolt? A damn weathervane? Fans of both Thunder and logos hang their head in shame at this one. Fans of WNBA-esque logos and staring at paint dry are overjoyed. Anyone that knows me knows that I take my logos seriously and this one is a slap in the face to everything I hold sacred.

I know, I know, it could be worse. -But it could be SO much better. The apathy is truly exemplified by the "Thunder" writing on the ball, which isn't even a font as much as its just the most basic thing they could think of. I can only hope that they didn't pick a font yet.

The saddest part of the whole thing? The real kick in the junk? I actually had hopes of learning something about Oklahoma City. Maybe they'd put an image of a famous Oklahoma City landmark, or maybe a creature from Oklahoma City folklore. They might put something that symbolized the working man, or the proud tradition of a city that so many lives reside in.

Instead we have this crummy non-logo, something I heretofore refer to as "the guitar pick of apathy". For shame, Oklahoma...for shame.*

*The door is not yet closed on this team actually looking cool. They still have colors, jerseys, and mascots which could help to redeem the travesty that is this logo. -This could even be the secondary logo, with something much cooler in store. Ah, who are we kidding. Let's all drink to this team's early relocation.

Sorry, Kids...You Have To Wait On That Joe Smith Jersey

Today the unnamed Oklahoma City team (THUNDER! KAPOW!) said that they will wait to announce the acquisitions of Joe Smith, Desmond Mason, and Kyle Weaver until they have their jerseys, colors, and team name sorted out. You can almost sense the Oklahom-ians...Oklahomans...Oklahommms...waiting to explode in excitement at seeing a jersey with the name "Weaver" on it.

Apparently the team has given a due date on all this team business: the end of the month. That's not much time, most likely in the next two weeks, for us to be blessed with the name thunder (KAPOW!!!) and some bobcats-esque color of neon orange, salmon, and burnt siena. I, for one, would be happy with any color except blue and black. Nearly every team has those colors in their color scheme. I say go pink or go home.

Stay tuned to see this weather-related sports business shake out!

Three Way Dilly, Milli Vanilli

Today the Bucks, Cavs, and THUNDER...KAPOW!...sorry, I just feel the need to do that when I say that team name...agreed to a deal. The deal essentially gives the Cavs starting point guard Mo Williams, the Thunder Joe Smith and Desmond Mason, and the Bucks get a heaping pile of excrement. -By this I mean they get washed up guard Luke Ridnour, Adrian Griffin, and Damon Jones.

What does this mean for the teams?

A) The Cavs are morons - Mo Williams is pretty good...but that's all he is. He isn't an elite guard, and he isn't a horrible one. What he IS, as a matter of fact, is the thing that could screw the Cavs over in 2010 when Lebron becomes a free agent and Mo Williams' then 9.5 million-a-year salary kicks in. When your snobby friend points out how this trade helps the Cavs out a ton, be sure to point this out before you laugh in his face and steal his girlfriend.

B) The Bucks are thinking about the FUTURE - They have Luke Ridnour, who looked like something Earl Watson shat out, at point guard. They dumped a ton of salary. They got Damon Jones, which pretty much says to anyone out there, "Yeah...we're not really taking this seriously". On the bright side, they'll have a bucket of money to throw around at free agents...who would love to wear green jerseys with deers on them...in Milwaukee...yep.

C) The Thunder are named THE THUNDER - KAPOW! - Little else is really important here. Desmond Mason is alright, I guess. With a new logo, new colors, and a new city at least we'll recognize Durant as the roster gets messed with.

That is all. Good DAY, sir.