It's Ron Artest Appreciation Week

Following two amazing postgame interviews, we review an oldie but a goodie: Artest on Jimmy Kimmel. He really is America's new loveable freakshow.

Artest Is Da Best

The shout out to the psychiatrist is the best. Can't think of a better way to go into the weekend.

Wait, here's a better way: Noted jackass Glen Davis was wrong on his game 7 prediction and he goes home a loser. THAT'S the best way to go into the weekend. Have a good two days off!

Kobe The Puritan

I have no idea who came up with the idea for this photo shoot, but they should be shot with a musket gun.

Utah fans, if you don't make gigantic posters of this image and hold them up to distract Kobe at the foul line, I have no hope for you in these playoffs.

Ugh, I Knew This Wouldn't Be Easy

As quickly as I had decided to finally get NBA Live 10, I heard that NBA 2K10 (widely considered to be a vastly superior NBA gaming franchise) was finally going to be released for the PSP. The PSP, dear reader, is the retardedly backwards gaming system I frequent because I travel a lot.

Well, there ya go. Decision made. Done and done.

Then, a reader sent me this image of the NBA 2K10 cover this year:

Kobe Bryant. The same Kobe Bryant that single-handedly (okay Trevor Ariza and Gasol helped a tad) beat my Orlando Magic in the finals this past year. The same Kobe Bryant that used "I like to have extremely rough sex in which I choke girls behind my wife's back" as his DEFENSE in a court case.

To further complicate things, here is the NBA Live 10 cover:

Because this cover is so mighty, the whole thing doesn't even fit on this site. In it, Dwight Howard is saying, "This cover is so amazing, I'm going to go offscreen and make myself a sandwich."

Sheesh. Could they have made it harder? Perhaps if NBA Live 10 put Megan Fox in an Orlando Magic jersey, surfing on a surfboard and blowing away zombies, while NBA 2k10 put the faces of every ex-girlfriend I've had.

This whole thing will take some thought, and reviews from you guys will be crucial. In the meantime I will drink heavily and daydream of the aforementioned NBA Live 10 cover that I just designed.

2P Or Not 2P: That Is The Question, Mark Madsen

Mark Madsen, the insanely annoying rah-rah bench player on those championship Lakers teams we all hated, is a moron. -This we know. What we didn't know until recently was that he is a high-stakes purchaser of online sites, gambling that they will become big and he will reap the benefits.

Well, that plan backfired up his poop chute today when he tried to acquire P2P.com, which had been hacked and stolen from its original owner. Had Madsen not been jumping up and down and waving a yellow towel, he probably would have noticed something wrong when he bought the rights to the site on EBAY instead of doing silly things like signing a legally-binding contract. Note to Madsen: Don't invest your life savings in an email from a little-known prince from a small country who just needs your help to make it to America and bequeath his riches on to you. Give all that money directly to me and save time.

To just add more dirt onto the grave, here is Mark Madsen dancing on loop for 4 minutes straight. Oh the humanity!

Lakers Get Their Riot On

That was the scene in L.A. as the folks ran around like they were getting chased by the Cloverfield monster. Instead, this time it was jackasses throwing bottles and trash cans through the windows of stores. If you know anyone who did such a stupid act of vandalism, I encourage you to please throw a trash can through one of their windows. -Or, just sleep with their wife/girlfriend. When they chance upon you both in bed, you can say, "Sorry bro. I couldn't find a trash can."

Jordan Farmar Found A Way To Look More Doofy

Jordan Farmar is already pretty silly-looking, skipping as he brings the ball up the court and riding air currents on his dumbo-like ears. When I heard that some pretty playboy playmate person (say that three times fast) had Jordan Farmar on her gaming show in E3, I knew it would mean fun. What could be more fun than a doofy guy trying to sound cool in front of a playmate when talking about video games?

Answer: That same doofy guy spastically stretching his arms and legs in a strange-looking game simulation.



Wow, remind me to never play that game.

Yay! Another Franchise Kick In The Groin!

Anubis Taylor is on a plane to Ireland, making love to women with red hair and staring at the green, green, green, green rolling hills (seriously, do you hear anything ELSE about Ireland from people that have gone other than the damn rolling green hills?  How about the sky?  C'mon people!)  This leaves little ol' me, at least until I go to London for a month for business starting in mid-June.

So, what was your soon-to-be Euro-trash duo talking about today?  Probably how the new Nick Anderson on the Magic is rookie Courtney Lee, chucking up a brick layup when it would have won the game.  

Seriously, this is almost too tough to watch.  Instead of the series being 1-1, going back to Orlando, it is 2-0 Lakers and you have Kobe fist pumping all over the place.  "Fist pump" has found a new home on every article on ESPN today, whereas before it was limited strictly to porn sites (seriously, check ESPN...it's insanity).

Somewhere Courtney Lee is looking at heaven and saying, "Okay, first you have my parents name me F'in COURTNEY and now THIS?!  What the hell?!"

On a side note, if you were ever curious what Stan Van Gundy's face looked like while he took a monster dump, watch the end of that video again.

Here We Go

It's NBA Finals time, so it's time for a prediction.

Firs, here's a review of how the last round went:

Prediction: Cavs in 7

Outcome: Magic in 6

Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Magic really surprised everyone, and despite the predictably bad officiating skewing the Cavs' way, they dominated. Lebron's ancillary pieces, especially Mo Williams (a guy who has always been quietly effective, who turned into an ineffective loudmouth) were shut down. I counted 8...yes 8...Szerbiack airballs in the series. This continues my belief that Wally's World is truly the jinx to end all jinxes.

Prediction: Lakers in 5

Outcome: Lakers in 6

Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Nuggets gave a pretty darn good fight for two games, with Birdman suddenly emerging into the media darling we never thought he could be. Melo and Billups looked strong early on and then cooled off to an arctic degree. Out of nowhere, Lamar Odom rose like a bald phoenix to burn the powder-blues. I have yet to watch a Lakers game with a girl who doesn't say at one point, "That Jordan Farmar guy has ears that REALLY stick out. He should grow his hair out." Too true, ladies, too true.

And here we go, the moment we've all been waiting for:

Finals prediction: Magic in 6

Yes, I am a homer. Yes, That is an unpopular pick. I gotta go with Jameer Nelson and my boys. If "Stuff the Magic Dragon" gets a ring, it will surely be a sign of the end times. Who am I to prevent the apocolypse?

Looking Forward To The Kobe-Dwight Matchup

While a lot is being said about the grudge match that will ensue between Dwight Howard and Kobe Bryant, no one really seems to be talking about the fact that the two were really, really good friends on the court during the Olympics this past year. While Lebron was looking for the cameras, Carmelo was looking to prove himself as a scorer, and Jason Kidd was looking to prove he didn't need to walk with a walker, Kobe and Dwight were hanging out and giving each other tips.

Here is a video showing a glimmer of them interacting:



It'll be fun to see how the media spins this into "These two HAAAAATE each other", while they are both will likely be sharing a beer after the series is over.

I swear to God, if Kobe gets Dwight to leave Orlando for L.A. during my lifetime, I will go to Los Angeles and burn that city to the ground myself. Never again.

Barkley Rolling With The Magic

I haven't been this excited since, oh, let's say 1994.

The Orlando Magic are in the Finals. I feel almost confused on how to react to one of my favorite teams doing this well. Do I flip over a car? Should I throw fireworks off of my balcony at people wearing Cavs jerseys? I have no idea. What I do know is that the Magic will take on Kobe, Pau "Acne Arms" Gasol, and my former Magic boy Trevor Ariza in the NBA Finals.

Once again, out of the four TNT broadcasters, the only person to pick the Magic to win is Charles Barkley. This pleases me immensely because not only has he been right thus far, but he also works with none of the media hype that influences so many people's predictions. One could say he is the most honest-to-a-fault guy on TV. Don't believe me? Here he is from last night's broadcast, willing to say what must be said even at the expense of the censors:



Game 1 is Thursday. Until then, we'll be bathing in the championship game hype. Tonight, however, I bathe in champagne (is THAT what you do when your team does well? Oh I am so very confused.)

So Whatever Happened on Monday?

By far my favorite parts are Faux Jerry Bus and Faux David Stern.

Woot!

I try as hard as I can to stay impartial on this blog, but lord knows you all know at this point that I am a completely shameless Magic fan. Tonight's win was amazing.



Lord knows I thought the team came out stronger after beating the Lucky Charms crew, but coming back and winning after being down in a 16 point hole? Especially after THIS?!



Simply crazy. I was unable to post my predictions for the Conference finals due to being insanely busy, but before it gets too late here we go:

Cavs in 7

Lakers in 5

You KNOW the NBA wants this matchup and Stern will kill a mofo before his plans are thwarted. Still, a great game for Magic fans everywhere. I need a cold shower.

Oh The Humanity!

Immediate Reactions:
1. Who exactly is the host trying to call out as a former WWE employee? Himself? Ron "Jaws" Jaworski? I want the truth!
2. Vince might need to lay off the root beer candy sticks.
3. At the 2:58 mark I'm pretty sure the ESPN host is saying "oh, God!" What did he think Vince was going to pull out? The severed head of Joey Crawford? Socko? A copy of No Holds Barred?
4. Do not cross McMahon for this very reason: On the way home from the XFL's NY/NJ Hitmen's home opener, all the lights in my car blew as I was passing by the HQ of the WWE in Stamford, CT. Some dark shit is going on over there.
5. And why does McMahon think that "Stan Kroenke" is a punchline just like New Jersey is to Governor Patterson?

Tonight Four Teams Decide Their Destiny

Tonight is a HUGE night for the Celtics, Magic, Lakers and Rockets, as two of the four aforementioned teams will be eliminated from the 2009 NBA Playoffs. The Lakers and Magic should win, but the Rockets and Celtics don't seem to have to have that whole "we only win to save face after an embarrasing loss" thing that the Magic and Lakers have.

Yet another year that there is an important series and I am not in the locker room for the pep talk beforehand. This year I would go with a profanity-laden speech as if it were dubbed for network television. It would start out with telling them "This is the most important game of the flippin' season, you pieces of scrap!" and ending simply with, "Go out there and win, mother-truckers."

Ah, who am I kidding? I could never beat this:



It's quite interesting to learn that the snakes are, in fact, monkey-flying and that the plane was available for transport from Monday to Friday (but not on weekends).

Dude...I'm Like Dunking Bro!....Whooaaaa!

If you are a stoner and have any athletic ability, boy do I have the hero you've been looking for:



29 POUNDS of pot?! That is roughly the weight of a medium-sized dog. In fact, I would insist that anyone out there with that much pot go ahead and sculpt it into the shape of a dog. It would help you conceal it since it would resemble a beautiful topiary animal.

Now all we need is to get Mark Blount involved so that The Howeva Files can run a weekly "Most stoned Blount" article. I can dream.

Attention Dwight Howard: The Nickname "Big Baby" Is Already Taken

For once, I'll actually be semi-serious in this post. It's been an incredibly crummy time to be an Orlando Magic fan.

I was heartbroken by the Magic loss last night. Actually, that is a huge understatement. I was devastated. It wasn't just a loss. For me the loss was accompanied by a few horrific realizations:
1) The Celtics have figured out how to beat the Magic, along with the rest of America: Make them take jumpshots the whole game. This is a flaw the Magic seem to be too wussy to overcome.

2) With the Celtics figuring out how to beat the Magic, this series stands a good chance of being over. The Magic squandered a 2-1 lead and now sit on the brink of elimination.

3) Hedo Turkoglu and Marcin Gortat likely won't be with the Magic next year. Right now might be the best shot the team has for a title with contract hell binding the team's future.

4) Dwight Howard's intensity level, and leadership abilities have been zilch. The guy has come as close to being invisible this playoffs as anyone could imagine, and has shown ZERO heart.

As my head was in my hands, Dwight Howard said this:



I could not believe what I was hearing. Did he not HEAR my #4 point? Dwight Howard, the same guy who was COMPLETELY shut down by Kendrick Perkins to the point of having to take crazy Ewing hook shots (and missing them BADLY), and has been a virtual mute on the court, is calling out his COACHES and his TEAM for not giving him the ball MORE?!

I nearly pooped myself.

It was as I was staring, wide-eyed at the television that the commercial with Dwight Howard came on. You know the one. He's standing by the sea, talking with Charles Barkley on a cell phone, and is pissing on Sir Charles for injuring the video game likeness of himself. It dawned on me then that this press conference evidenced what we all feared: Dwight Howard has completely lost track of reality. His hype has officially eclipsed his intered in improving his post game and his free throws. The same guy we cheered on as he used the Superman dunk to stardom had taken that cape and flown too close to the sun.

Realizing that my team had a coach that it's players hated, had a core that was about to be shredded with the departure of Turkoglu, had a self-centered superstar who looked past his failing team and only saw his pretty reflection, and a future that was locked into a ton of big contracts, I turned off the television.

At this point, I realized who was going to win the championship this year: The Cleveland Cavaliers. I know you Lakers fans are cocky as hell, but the Cavs have everything the Magic don't right now:

-A coach who the players love and believe in.

-A superstar who makes those around him better.

-A team that is filled with selfless players, including Joe Smith who is playing for the team despite not earning or playing much.

-A team that doesn't let up when they see the finish line approaching.

-A team that supports each other, like when the team rallied around Mo Williams not getting an initial All Star invite.

The Lakers are lacking in the last three categories, which is why I think they'll ultimately fall either in the Finals, or (you heard it here first) I could easily see them losing in 6 to the Nuggets.

Anyhoo, my apologies for the drawn out seriousness of this post. I'll be back to normal tomorrow, after my Orlando Magic grieving subsides.

Black And Blue Jor's Birthday Message: Kobe Is Above The Law

I have absolutely no idea how Kobe Bryant got away with a fierce elbow to the throat of Ron Artest when Derek Fischer and Skip 2 My Lou each got a game suspension for somewhat comical hits. Sure, we know that the NBA is saying that Kobe's foul was below the shoulders, but David Stern seemed to completely forget that the neck is actually...wait for it...ABOVE THE SHOULDERS! HOLY COW!

Here's a lookee at the foul in question. Ugly:



Had Ron-Ron done this he would have been deported or worse. This just goes to show you how much Mr. Colorado Trial can get away with these days. It's only a matter of time before he just starts tasering people with Rajon Rondo while the NBA turns a blind eye (cue Shane Battier yelling, "Don't tase me bro!").

Today is my birthday, so if you need me I'll be spending my weekend much in the same way that Motley Crue spent the 80s. Mothers lock up your daughters.

Nostradamus, Move Your Ass Over

So far, my semi picks are completely on track, including my "Rockets stealing a game in L.A." one. I'm feeling good...damn good. So, good, in fact, I'll make a few more predictions:

-Big Baby will get at LEAST 1 technical foul in this series, possibly even getting ejected from a game.

-Kobe Bryant will have an injury scare, which will be milked in the media on a slow news day. Kobe will be completely fine. Again, stay the hell away from Lakers press this playoffs. It will only hurt you.

-Birdman will be on a huge number of talk shows after the Nuggets advance to the West Finals. Every single interviewer will talk incessantly about his drug use, forgetting he even plays basketball.

-The Cavs series will have low television ratings due to blowouts. David Stern will whisper to others, "The Hawks will never make the playoffs again under my watch".

-The record will be set for most times a valley girl looks at a TV screen in a crowded bar and says, "Ewwww. Who is THAT guy?" It will be your job to inform her with a short biography of Stan Van Gundy.

Speaking of Magic, I nearly had a heart attack watching Orlando almost blow a 28 point lead last night. The Magic played awful, but good lord those refs want every single game to go into overtime and they'll be DAMNED if they don't.

My blood pressure is rising so I'd prefer to focus on happier times, such as this monster dunk by Dwight. Enjoy*




I apologize to Celtics fans reading this. I have nothing against you, but the playoffs brings a beast from within that makes me root for the Magic like nothing else. I promise I'll love you again if the Magic beat your brains out. Promise!

We Predict Things: Conference Semi-Fiesta!

Despite what ESPN might have you believe, there actually were other games going on in the first round of the NBA playoffs besides the Celtics and Bulls. I will even dare say that the games have been pretty great to watch for teams that weren't named the Heat or Hawks.

So with the games being so much fun so far, let's take a quick gander into the crystal ball at who will win the conference semifinal matchups:

Who: Cavs vs Hawks

Winner: Cavs in 5

Why: After watching the Hawks this past series, I have made the conclusion that Josh Smith is the next coming of Zach Randolph. -An insanely gifted athlete with a head full of rocks. That being said, the Cavs are scary good this year, and seem like they are genuinely having a blast playing. When you're playing a team that is smiling in high pressure games, you know you're screwed. It almost makes you wonder where would this team be without Wally Szczerbiak. Oh, that's right, exactly where they are right now.

Who: Celtics vs. Magic

Winner: Magic in 6

Why: I'm picking the Magic not only am I a retardedly optimistic homer, but the Celtics are playing against Howard with Kendrick Perkins and Mikki Moore. Sure, there will be that game that Howard gets no calls and the refs make it close, but I see many Big Baby-Howard matchups on the horizon and that spells doom for the Celtics. If the rest of the playoffs are any indication, Rajon Rondo might rip off someone's nose in this series only to have the NBA say it isn't a flagrant foul (Rondo was going after the nose-shaped-basketball, silly goose).

Who: Lakers vs. Rockets

Winner: Lakers in 5

Why: Take a look at that photo of a clean-cut Pau Gasol. You almost want to tell that young lad, "In your future, you will resemble an ogre. Invest in beard combs NOW." Going back to the series, mark my words: The Rockets will steal a game in L.A., prompting the talking heads on TV to talk incessantly about it for a few days. The Rockets will then promptly lose from then on out, and the talk will turn to "who will stop the Lakers" talk. My message here: If you hear the word "Lakers" on the radio, quickly throw it out of the window. You'll save yourself a lot of aggrevation.

Who: Nuggets vs. Mavs

Winner: Nuggets in 6

Why: The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs. Half the country is still seeing them for the first time and saying, "Wow...Carmelo Anthony cut his hair? When did THAT happen?" It's sad the Nuggets aren't getting more credit as they really are the only team that can push the Lakers in the West in my opinion. They also crushed the titan known as "Dumars", with a trade so good that it made Denver a contender and crushed the Pistons core for good. This series will also be fun to watch simply for the massive amount of camera cut-aways to a pissed-off-looking Mark Cuban in the stands. If you play a drinking game with it, you will have a good time.

Time to watch the Magic-Celtics game. Post your picks to win in the comments section or shoot us an email. Toodles!