Gary Neal Has Imaginary Friends

Ghosts give the best high fives.

Slim witted and alone is no excuse for not getting a high five or two.

Welcome To A Love Life With RJ, Ladies

I keep hearing from people that Richard Jefferson is a jerk in nice guy clothing.  There have been more than a few articles over the year saying the guy is a prima donna whiner who pisses off everyone in his locker room.  RJ has mastered the art of politics though, often appearing on talk shows with an "aw shucks" demeanor.  F that.

The New York Post is reporting that Spurs signee Richard Jefferson is now an officially documented jackass.  Apparently he left his girlfriend at the altar, ONE HOUR before the wedding, leaving his friends and family there waiting...not to mention the poor girl.  

The worst part?  The guy is such an ass that the girlfriend isn't even that shocked:

The would-be bride was stunned, but "not entirely caught off-guard" by Jefferson's unsportsmanlike conduct, according to a family friend.

Wow.  Now, THAT is pretty bad.  The guy must kill puppies in his spare time to have no one be surprised he would do such a thing.

Here's a fun little video of fellow Nets players hating RJ.  Enjoy!

NBA Brass "Reviewing" Dampier Comments WhileTrying Not To Laugh

Dallas Mavericks center Erica Dampier guaranteed to reporters to put French rap sensation, Tony Parker, "on his back" in the next game Thursday night, presumably to do one of two things: intimidate the Spurs guard...or make sweet love to him. For those not familiar Dampier- the beast man known as carnage and brutality personified- he successfully used this same tactic on Dwyane Wade during the 2006 NBA Finals, limiting the Heat guard to the highest PER in a finals series since the NBA-ABA merger.

When asked to comment, NBA spokesman Tim Frank repeatedly rolled his eyes and said between snickering that the league was "looking into it." When pressed to elaborate on who exactly was going to speak with Dampier, Frank responded "Ummm, I dunno....a security corps comprised of ninjas, vikings, and Chewbacca that's who." He then broke into unstoppable laughter and walked away holding his sides.

No word yet if any other disciplinary action was taken against Dampier.

(Oh yeah, I've got a computer again! Glad to be back!)

Goodnight, Spurs!

Today the Spurs came out and said Manu Ginobili is officially done for the season. Anyone with any knowledge of the Spurs, which are essentially a three-headed monster (Duncan, Ginobili, and Parker), knows this means their hopes of winning a title this season are toast. -Or at least as good as Michigan State's chances of winning the championship this year (too soon? The game has been only going on for a while now and already it's ugly).

This leaves only a few teams with legit chances of winning an NBA title this season:

Lakers
Cavs
Celtics
Magic
Denver

I know, putting the Nuggets on there is not a popular pick, but they might be able to sneak in the championship game if the Lakers stumble somehow (although I doubt it).

With this in mind, look for an emphasis on the Eastern conference playoff games on television come playoff time. It's a little too obvious the Lakers will steamroll their way to the finals this season against the rest of the West, but with an unproven Cavs roster, a gimpy Garnett-led Celtics team, and a depth-less Magic squad, the East appears wide open. I look for the Hawks to actually scare a few people with a strong first round against the Heat.

Anyhow, enough about the future. I ain't no tarot card reader, dag nabbit! Here are some Ginobili highlights from last year to remind you Spurs fans what you'll be missing:

Poppovich Rocks

I wrote previously about Shaq badmouthing the Spurs and their Greek God-bearded coach for playing "Hack-A-Shaq" and hitting him throughout the game. Moments into the Spurs-Suns game, this happened. I LOVE Poppovich.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day:

The Hawks matched the Grizzlies offer for Josh Smith, and when the top headline of the NBA reads "Grizzlies to continue to suck", you know it's a slow day. Time for cheerleaders.

Goodness, we've had a lot of slow days/cheerleaders lately, haven't we?

Today we travel to the land of cowboy hats, tumbleweeds, southern accents, and...Ginobili. The Spurs dancers frequently enjoy running around in schoolgirl outfits, a male fantasy that continues to elude me. I went to a catholic high school, so I saw those outfits every day. When you see something that often, especially with people who are not shaped like cheerleaders (more like the bus they travel in), the costume loses some of its panache.

Ah, who am I kidding? It's a fun way to go into the weekend. See you Monday!

Surprise Central! Grizzlies Owner Admits That Whole "Gasol For Kwame" Thing Might Have Been A Mistake!

With the Lakers about to do battle with the Celts in the finals, one can't help but look back at this past season and the most important player on the Lakers.

Kobe Bryant? No, not him.

I'm actually talking about the Memphis Grizzlies. The doof that was presiding over the mess was owner Michael Heisley, but I prefer to him as "that owner who had to be drinking on the job".

The Grizzlies, of course, were the moronic team responsible for sending Pau Gasol to the Lakers for the pile of gold known as Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittenden, two LAAAATE first round picks, a ball of pocket lint, and a 1987 edition of TV Guide. Everyone in the NBA was up in arms, especially one particular Spurs head coach who wound up losing in the playoffs because of that same ridiculous trade. It was highway robbery that made Bonnie and Clyde shake their heads (well...they would have if they were alive...you get the point).

Well, I guess the "denial" stage is over for Heisley and with the Lakers OBVIOUSLY becoming a potential dynasty out of the deal, he has moved on to "acceptance". Heisley has recently admitted, and I quote:

“I don’t know if I got the most value,” Heisley confessed. “Maybe our people should’ve shopped (Gasol) more and maybe we would’ve gotten more, done a better deal. Maybe Chris did call every team in the league. I don’t think he did, but maybe he should’ve…”

Doesn't a quote like this inspire you, Grizzly fans? You have the owner of your team saying that the trade that sent the most important and gifted player in your team's history (if you don't count Big Country Reeves) most likely wasn't really all that thought out. He also confesses in that beautiful quote to not really knowing if they did all of their homework. Ahem...shouldn't that be the ONE question you ask before your team does the deal? "Did you guys check with everyone and this is the absolute BEST we could do? Kwame friggin Brown?"

The best part of all of this is that the team turned DOWN the Bulls' trade offer, which included a comparable cornucopia of talent in Andres Nocioni, Tyrus Thoms, Joakim Noah, Thabo Sefalosha, Adrian Griffin, and draft picks. Yes, ladies and gents...they looked at that offer and said, "Nahhhhh...I think we really want to roll the dice with Kwame Brown on this one. Thanks anyways, guys."

I have to stop typing here before I get to emotionally drained from analyzing this whole thing, and I'm not even a Grizzly or Spurs fan. (soaks head in a bucket of ice)

Lakers Win The West/Kobe Holds 2008 Hypocrite Trophy Aloft

Tonight the Lakers beat the Spurs 100-92, which means the Lakers await the winner of the Pistons-Celtics in the 2008 NBA Finals.

Kobe Bryant had 39 points and approximately 39 mentions of how his Laker teammates were "his brothers" in postgame interviews. This comes despite using much of the preseason this year to make it known he would love to play for ANYONE other than Los Angeles. If karma actually exists, Andrew Bynum will be filmed in a parking lot in 5 years demanding Kobe be traded for Jason Kidd.

For the insightful Kobe Bryant commentary, we go to THF correspondent Nicole Richie:



Looks like someone is about to get a splooge-covered t-shirt in their direction!

Stuff To Watch If There's A Spurs-Pistons Finals: Part I

At this point all of America knows that David Stern will probably kill himself if we are yet again subjected to a Spurs-Pistons NBA Finals series. The ratings will tank and the NBA will once again take a backseat to the other major sports (no, not hockey, silly!) Right now the Celtics are up 1-0 on the Pistons, but the Spurs currently are beating the Lakers and their fancy traingle offense...how is it possible Stern hasn't paid these refs off to help the Lakers win this one yet?!

Since there is still a strong chance of a boring ol' Pistons-Spurs NBA Finals, it is THF's job to help you figure out things to watch should this happen. Today's selection:

Fantastic choice scenes from the Nicholas Cage crapfest "Wicker Man"! Enjoy:




This all may seem silly, but you'll thank us in the Finals.
--------------------
UPDATE: The Lakers just erased a 20 point defecit to win. While I'm rooting against a Spurs championship, I'd be lying if I didn't say it was quite silly near the end how the refs weren't calling any fouls on Lakers players. David Stern and his ref minions strike again!

Crap...NOW Who Do You Root For, America?

As I write this, the Spurs are currently beating the Hornets late in the 3rd Quarter by 13 points, and are looking like shoe-ins to return to their zillionth consecutive conference championship. I blame Morris Peterson's ice cubes:



This is rough news for the many NBA fans hoping that a cinderella-esque team would win the championship this year. Yes, yes, the Hornets had the best record during the regular season this past year, but no one can deny that they were truly the underdogs in their series with the former champs.

This leaves us with a dubious list of remaining teams (my apologies in advance if you are a fan of one of them):

The San Antonio Spurs: This team winning yet another championship would likely make David Stern put a gun in his mouth. The NBA Championship has had some of its lowest numbers with this rather boring-yet-spectacular team, and them winning yet another would help keep the collective eyes of the public away from the NBA in an exciting sports year in which the Giants upset the Patriots and the Rockies made a cinderella World Series appearance. After such an exciting NBA season, seeing this team winning it all would be like getting a brand new state-of-the-art television only to realize that the only thing that can play on it are reruns of The View. You can squint all you want, but it's still Barbara Walters creepily talking about having an affair with a congressman (shivers uncontrollably).

The Los Angeles Lakers: I don't deny that the idea of groupies flocking to an ogre like Pau Gasol is a fun image, but to see this team win would make most NBA fans' stomachs turn. Why? After an offseason filled with whining about his team, calling Andrew Bynum names, demanding a trade, firing at Mitch Kupchak, and then completely acting like a hypocrite by embracing the team once they got good, Kobe Bryant would be one of the least likable Finals MVPs in the history of sports. He could only be less likable if he were to kill babies at midcourt and agree to star in a romantic comedy with Ashton Kutcher. Toss in the fact that Jordan Farmar would have exactly one more NBA championship than you and you can officially start believing that life isn't fair.

The Detroit Pistons: Many could argue that this team is actually the most boring team instead of San Antonio. -At least the Spurs have Manu Ginobili crashing into people a few times a game in a theatric fashion. Sheed has calmed down, Billups' trash talking is less than ever, and the have Antonio McDyess for chrissakes...a guy who I am convinced is a stone statue come to life (barely). The only person who make this team in any way exciting to watch is 55 lb Tayshaun Prince, who blocks shots like crazy. I firmly believe he does this by allowing the wind to carry his thin frame around the room like a shipmast. On the plus side: Flip Saunders might completely open his eyes if this team wins it all.

The Boston Celtics: I got such crap for liking the Florida Marlins when they bought a championship in 1997. -At least the Marlins had about half of their team come from their farm system. Enter the team that purchased the best record in the league, making every Boston fan suddenly remember they liked the Celtics so fast that they got bandwagon splinters. Hoping this team wins it all goes hand in hand with hoping for nonstop "my team is the greatest ever" columns from Bill Simmons, something only a person who hasn't been subjected to Simmons' "all-New-England sports columns"could ask for. They say every time a bell rings, Bill Simmons writes an anecdote about his father and him talking about Boston teams. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with a Boston fan next to you saying, "The Pats get bam-BOO-zelled by tha refs, but Kay-Gee and my boys brought tha title to BEAN-TOWN!" Neither do I. The Patriots losing that Super Bowl was all that me and other non-Boston fans who went to college in New England had.

Wow...so where does that leave us? Who in the world do we root for? Looking at that list, it's like deciding which type of rare disease you want to catch from a mosquito while traveling overseas (Lakers = elephantitis). Right now, the wounds from the likable Magic, Hornets, Jazz, and Cavs are too fresh to make a choice, but hopefully someone emerges soon.*

*The Pistons officially become my choice the moment "old Sheed" comes back and starts clawing at refs faces and screaming when doused with holy water. Sadly, those days are likely a thing of the past.

Here's To Hoping For A Finals We Can Actually Watch!

'Twas a bittersweet night for NBA fans hoping for a non-boring finals this year as the Pistons won (crap) and the Spurs lost (yay). If these two teams somehow make it to the finals, David Stern officially goes on suicide watch.

With Dwight Howard's injured hand making it look like he was handling a greased turkey instead of a basketball, the Magic made it about as close as they could. Top it off with many questionable calls that went the Pistons way, as well as a bunch of late-game turnovers, and the Stan Van Gundy lucky moustache can only go so far. Flip "Sleepy Dwarf" Saunders looks poised to celebrate amid yawns.

Conversely, Chris Paul is making the Hornets the feel-good story in the league right now. I correctly predicted that his piss-poor website would ruin his MVP chances, but I'll be damned if he doesn't look like the best player in the NBA nowadays. When you have two first names, there is little you can't do.

This is all just a silly precursor to what you all want to see: Zaza Pachulia giving the best speech ever!




I'm still so sad the Hawks are out. I'll get over it...I'll get over it.

Surprise! Robert Horry Is A Dick

Every year, Robert Horry seems to win a ring. Similarly, every year Robert Horry tries to prove to the world that he is a jackass. Sadly, only one of these things is widely acknowledged by the American public (hint: it's not the second one).

Last year, Horry famously kicked Steve Nash's ass, which resulted in getting Amare Stoudamire and Boris Diaw tossed from the series. Obviously, he would have to keep up his rep this year.

I present exhibit A, your honor. Here is Mike D'Antoni getting ejected the other day for yelling about Horry's blatantly unsportsmanlike play. The best part is the completely oblivious announcers not quite understanding how such a thing could happen.



I give this series one more game before Robert Horry tries to claw the eyeballs out of Leandro Barbosa's head, only to have the announcers say, "Robert Horry seems to be trying to help Barbosa with his contact lens...why is Mike D'Antoni so angry?"

Hey, So Some Games Happened This Weekend: Game 1s In Review

Man, what a fantastic first weekend of NBA playoff action!

That was a complete Marv Albert-esque "smack me in the face because that is such a commercial slogan statement", I know, but it is nontheless true.

-The Magic showed that they are a team to be reckoned with, by slaughtering the Raptors with 43 points and an NBA playoff record-tying 9 three-pointers in the first quarter. Bargnani fans everywhere wept.

-The Lakers put the Nuggets away in a game with basically no defense at all (242 combined points were scored). Radmanovic inches ever closer to his "ugliest man to ever win a championship" title.

-In the words of former Arizona Cardinals coach Dennis Green, the Celtics "WERE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!" and easily put the Hawks away by 23 points. The Hawks had as much of a shot of winning one game in this series as the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall had of making me laugh more than once (which, incidentally, it did not do. Save your cash, folks).

-Lebron beat Arenas and company to help the Cavs take a 1-0 lead over the Wiz. This game was really close the whole way through and I am firmly sticking to my prediction that Washington wins this series. How COULD I pick the Cavs when Arenas is taking shots like this?!?

-The Jazz beat Houston in what will probably be the quietest series of the bunch. Rafer and Yao were out, making TMac actually deliver on his "It's on ME!" comments from last year. Results: Not. So. Good. McGrady actually used the words “Yes, we miss Rafer" after the game. That's probably what the people said on the Titanic moments before they drowned.

-Chris Paul is looking mighty fine in the MVP voting after an incredible regular season and game against the Mavs. This is all despite his horrendously shitty website. David West...I acknowledge you are a good player, even though the rest of the world doesn't. Poor wittle D.West...

-The 76ers, my team to shock and awe the rest of the world...by winning 2 of the 6 games in this series (man, I should have really had the cajones to pick more than that)...WON the first game 90-86 in Detroit. Reggie Evans (seen levitating right) looked like a monster and Andre Miller was playing like a career all-star instead of a guy once swapped out for Earl Boykins. If Rodney Carney actually develops, this "Mo Cheeks, Mo Problems" squad has a crazy bright future. Yes, I know that phrase is already played, but I'll be damned if I stop using it!

-And finally the game of the weekend, the Spurs-Suns game which was Ginobili-ified to the max. If you heard a high pitched sound coming from the general direction of the northeast of America, chances are it was me squealing like a schoolgirl with delight while I was watching this one. I don't even particularly like either of these teams, especially San Antonio, but they put on one hell of a show. Tim Duncan 3 pointer for double overtime? Steve Nash with a tying three as he falls out of bounds? Boris Diaw sucking ass and almost singlehandedly losing the game for Phoenix? I have to stop typing before I faint, it was that damn good.

More commentary on the games to come, folks. This postseason is just getting started.

Western Conference Playoff Preview: This Could Get Messy

Now that the Western Conference games are over, we finally have all four match-ups cemented and ready to be predicted upon by idiots like me and Tim Legler. Seriously, we've got this covered. You don't need to watch. Why are you still considering to watch? We're going to tell you who'll win!

LA vs. Denver

Winner: Lakers in 4

Whyzzat?: I think I know the reason for 'Melo's DUI. It probably dawned on him that night that he was going to have his ass handed to him by Kobe in front of a national TV audience. The Lakers swept the regular season series 3-nil by an average of 16+ points and Nuggets gave up a second-worst 106.9 points per game. You could kind of tell that George Karl stopped believing in this team's chances early on since he saw just how bad of a defensive team this is. But damn! They're fun when those shots are falling.

New Orleans vs. Dallas

Winner: Dallas in 7

Whyzzat?: This is the prediction most likely to go wrong as biologists have discovered that my lips are permanently attached to Jason Kidd's ass. Yet, if tonight's game proved anything at all it's that Kidd is done trying to play second fiddle to Dirk. If Dallas can consistently get the ball out of the hands of the phenomenal Chris Paul, they should be able to come away as winners and then get slaughtered in the next round. But, if Chris Shinn feels like firing off his gun into Dirk's face, he's more than welcome to.

San Antonio vs. Phoenix

Winner: Spurs in 7

Whyzzat?: Last year, this match-up was the de facto championship which included nasty cuts, hip checks, and suspensions galore. Instead of following past years' credo to play faster than they ever have before, the Suns have gone the other way with their mid-season acquisition of Shaq. This could actually spell trouble for the defending champs, who are limping into this series with their team MVP, Manu Ginobili, hobbled. HOWEVA, if he can play, he'll put the Spurs over the top.

Utah vs. Houston

Winner: Jazz in 5

Whyzzat?: This year, McGrady's not even going to pretend that it's on him. This team is basically running on fumes and it's a shame. Expect at least one heroic game from Tracy, who may be without Skip To My Lou for part of this series. The Jazz better do the Rockets in quickly because they're not going to want to have to face a well-rested Lakers team after getting into a slug-fest with Houston.

We Tell You What To Watch: Week of March 3-9

Lots of fun games coming up this week, and with our fancy new shortened name, we figured there was no better time to break out a new weekly staple: WE TELL YOU WHAT TO WATCH. We'll begin every week with a glance at the top 3 games to watch and their oh-so-fun storylines. It's sort of like the Sporting News' "On Deck" Column, but with less actual info and more photos of Megan Fox (Maxim says she can only cook Hot Pockets and Eggo Waffles. HOT!)

Without any futher ado, here's our top 3 for this week:

3) Cavs at Knicks (Wednesday March 5th):

Knicks to Stephon: "-AND NEVER COME BACK!...So, uh, you coming to tonight's game?"

Remember that crazy ban the Knicks put on Stephon Marbury last Friday? Yep, 'tis gone. The Knicks invited the guard to their home game on Monday with super short notice, and Isiah actually ran away when asked if there were any restrictions on what Marbury could say. We figure this time around Marbury will have some time to actually show up, and will probably drop some f-bombs for the kids. Anything that happens on the court is just icing on the cake.

2) Rockets at Mavs (Thursday March 6th, TNT):

Assuming they beat the hapless Pacers on Wednesday night (we'll go out on a limb and say they win it unless Travis Diener starts...the man is 87 pounds of pure fury), the Rockets will be looking to extend their winning streak to 17 games when they face the Mavs. This game will probably break some sort of record for amount of times a guy's injury is mentioned. We suggest you watch it on mute, folks.

1) GAME OF THE WEEK: Spurs at Suns (Sunday March 9th, ABC):

This game will be sort of like a limbo contest because at this point it's all about "How low will the Suns go?!" I'd be more proud to say that I called Steve Kerr singlehandedly ruining the Suns chances at a championship if every other person on the planet didn't silently predict the same thing. Notice to NBA owners: former players do not equal smart businessmen. These people buy cars with night vision as investments!

MUST MISS OF THE WEEK: Bobcats at Timberwolves (Tuesday, March 4th):

The Bobcats are 4-22 on the road. The Wolves are 12-46 TOTAL. Something's gotta give. -We think it will be our stomachs.

Spurs Get In Under the Gun

At the close of the deadline, I'm proud of our Association GM's. We're always complaining about how no one has the balls to make moves (Otis Smith), but we've seen some pretty nice movement this season. I think it's fairly safe to say (is it ever safe?) that we're not going to see much more if anymore dealing before the 3PM deadline, but last night we saw the Seattle Storm trade the coveted 4th pick in the WNBA draft to the Detroit Shock for the dominant perennial all star Swin Cash San Antonio Spurs deal a Bazooka Joe comic Fransisco Elson, Brent Barry, and their 2009 first round draft pick to the Seattle Supersonics for veteran (35 years old? Really?) C/F Kurt Thomas.

Like Ruben Studdard's recording contract, this deal is minimal, but has some sort of impact for someone somewhere. Elson and Barry's deals are expiring, so the Sonics are getting significant cap room for offseason dealings, and coupled with the trade exemption cash they got for Ray Allen and Rashard Lewis they should do well with that. But really, the deal gets done mainly for San Antonio's 2009 first round pick. I get that Seattle's blowing it up, but are you hoping that you can get a guy who can come in and play now with a super late first round pick? I know a boy can dream but damn Sam Presti, that's some dream. The only feasible explanation I can see for them being excited about a pick like that is the ability to deal it somewhere else; they have 2 picks in the first round for the next 3 years, which is more than enough to make some selections as well as have some nice trade bait.

Thomas should see plenty of playing time with San Antonio, he fits right in with that veteran/journeyman mentality that seems to work so well with the Spurs (Michael Finley, Robert Horry, Jacque Vaughn, Damon Stoudamire, Bruce Bowen, damn who on your team isn't old!?!?!), he'll compete with Fabricio Oberto for the starting job (yes he may start), and will easily be able to contribute and help them win now. How much I'm not sure, but there were plenty of teams that were taking a good look at Kurt Thomas for themselves, so the rich get richer while Durant shoots more. Next stop Oklahoma City!

Your Move, Dallas

With the Lakers stealing Gasol, the Suns getting the broken-down jalopy known as Shaq, and the Spurs getting...well, no one, but they're the SPURS...today NBA fans shifted their collective eyes to the Dallas Mavericks and wondered what the notoriously soft franchise would do to stay in the hunt. I still think Mark Cuban mowing down the other teams' best players with a machine gun like the end of Scarface is an option, but I appear to be alone on this one.

It was not too long ago that we were all discussing the inevitable trade that would send Kidd to the Mavs, a bunch of talented bench players to the Nets, and the cosby kid known as Devin Harris to the Blazers, but I haven't heard about that trade for a while which means the deal probably got more complicated. How could it NOT get more complicated? With the Suns and Lakers making such big deals, you know the Nets and Blazers (along with everyone in America) sensed the Mavs desperation. When trade partners sense desperation, they ask for more in compensation, and when that happens people start giving the finger and mooning each other angrily and it all goes to hell. I have had games of Uno end this way.

So what do the Mavs do now?

To the Mavericks I say take please page out of Frankie Goes To Hollywood and RELAX. While the media is going crazy over these acquisitions, take a moment to actually look at what you have around you: Your team is doing quite well this season. You have two promising stars that are getting better every year in Josh Howard and Devin Harris. If choker Peyton Manning and borderline special-ed Eli Manning can each win a championship, then Dirk can too.

"But what of the other teams?! What of their moves?!" you ask, slowly before I smile and pee on your shoes. To this I also say RELAX.

While Pau Gasol was a completely amazing bit of thievery even the hamburgular was impressed with, the Lakers still have Andrew Bynum on the mend and need everyone else to step up a bit who isn't named Kobe. I call them the Celtics West in that they need the other players around them to prove their worth before I can consider them even a "team" let alone one who can beat other good "teams" in the playoffs like the Spurs and Pistons. Out of all of their players, I consider Lamar Odom the real wild card as to whether this team has enough punch to be a potential dynasty or yet another pretender.

As for the Suns, the Shaq move could turn out well for them...but more likely than not we will see fat kids from Shaq's Big Challenge crying on the sidelines when the big guy sits out his 12th straight game. Even Nets President Rod Thorn doesn't think Shaq is any good and his team is making 8-game losing streaks and bad signings (Hey, resigning Vince Carter is a graaaaand idea!) look easy! To quote Thorn:

"What was Shaq going to do for us? Absolutely nothing."

And for the Spurs, I see this as the year they finally begin to show their age in the playoffs and fail to win the title. Yes, people have been saying that for a while, but I have been keeping hope alive with that team and am finally at the point where I can logically say, "I think the decline will begin now." Yes, I am actually declaring firmly that the Spurs will not win this season. It was, after all, about 80 years ago that Brent Barry was in that slam dunk competition. If you don't remember what I'm talking about, ask your grandparents about it.

Knowing the morons running a lot of these franchises, the Mavs will probably wind up pulling the trigger on a bad deal which involves their young stars instead of finding a way to get Eric Dampier the hell out of there. Still, if they don't do anything I don't mind saying that I feel they have a fighting chance. -After all, I DID predict they'd win it all this year over Detroit.

Still, just to be safe, keep any and all firearms away from Mark Cuban.

I've Got A Fever, And The Only Prescription, Is More Jawai

What do you get when you cross Beatlemania with a pile of Koala droppings?

Nathan Jawai, a 21 year old Australian player who has NBA scouts using their frequent flier miles to go to the land down under in droves. Every year there is some crazy and kooky international player that takes the NBA by storm, be it Yao, Yi, Bargnani, Nowitzki, or Fettucini. This year the hype is starting to build around Jawai, a guy from Cairns, Australia.

I lived in Australia for about half a year and stayed in Cairns for a while. It is the equivalent of Miami times a bajillion, as it is a fairly built up area that happens to be surrounded by amazingly beautiful natural resources. I don't mean "Hey, we got the everglades and shit", I mean, "We have the great barrier reef, tropical rainforests, and a ton of tanned gorgeous nude people bathing in waterfalls"*

*This part might have existed only in my mind.

Despite the fact that he originally comes from an area around New Guinea, him playing in Cairns leads me to believe this Jawai guy probably is something of a surfer dude, as everyone I met in Northern Australia was either a beach bum or a rainforest guide (Those guys just sorta smelled like B.O. and always had short shorts. Hey moron, you're in the rainforest with a million bugs. How about some slacks?)

I also kept getting stung by jellyfish when I was surfing in Cairns, and was repeatedly told that it was the "good season" if I only got stung a few times. Apparently during the "bad season", there are so many jellyfish in the water that you face certain death if you go in the water. How delightful! Someone sign this guy to a multi-year deal now so we can see the NBA toss in stuff about jellyfish into their contracts!

So what makes this guy better than the rest of the international players out there? I have no idea, but it says he is 208 centimetres (they spelled it with an "re"...how adorable!) and he obviously means something if the Toronto Raptors are checking him out. The Raptors and Spurs seem to be the only teams who actually evaluate overseas talent correctly, so when they go somewhere I pay attention. I was one of the few people who actually paid attention when the Spurs drafted Tiago Splitter recently while the rest of America was talking about foos like Acie Law. Splitter was a top 10 pick option the year before, and the Spurs nabbed him on the last pick in the first round. It's like the Patriots getting a high first rounder in this upcoming NFL draft: you just have to look to the heavens and ask God to not make it so obvious who his/her/its favorite teams are.

For now, we will wait and see what happens, but whenever you finally hear the name Nathan Jawai get drafted remember where you heard his name first.

-And then give that source lots of money for the knowledge, preferably in crisp $100 bills.

No One Puts Tony Parker In The Corner

I think that's the way the line from Dirty Dancing goes...but I could be wrong.

As Anubis Taylor posted a while back, Tony Parker was in some deep doo doo for allegedly sleeping with a model named Alexandra Paressant. The story had some funny aspects as it painted Eva Longoria as a sperm-hating cold fish in the sack, and painted loveable Tony Parker as yet another - gasp - promiscuous athlete.

Well, as you might expect, some actual magazines got involved (namely People Magazine...not to say a magazine reporting called "X17 Online" isn't reliable. It sounds like a magazine for robots). People found out that not only was Alexandra lying about sleeping with Tony Parker...

Drumroll...

Wait for it...

She never even met him! Apparently, the photos printed that showed Parker with Alexandra were actually Parker with another model who LOOKS like Alexandra. On top of that, the only thing she had going for her was that she used to date horse-faced soccer star Ronaldinho, and now they're saying she never did that either.

Wow, I knew there were lots of batshit crazy women out there but it takes a special breed of messed up wench to claim that they are someone else in a photo. I pity the foo that winds up with her longterm, gorgeous as she might be.

This brings us to the true moral of this crazy story: No matter what crazy obstacle pops up, there is just no denying that Tony Parker somehow has the best life of anyone in our lifetimes (who isn't named Tom Brady). I'm convinced that he stumbled across a genie somewhere along the line. How else do you explain multiple NBA titles, dating Eva Longoria, somehow becoming a bigger star than Tim Duncan despite putting up smaller numbers, being so well off you can actually deny ever having had sex with supermodels like Alexandra, and doing it all while you are (let's be brutally honest here) one of the most weird looking ugly guys on the NBA floor. I mean sure he is a nice guy and is talented, but those things can only get you so far. Throw in the fact that most native Frenchmen smell like either a) cigarettes or b) a sewer and you can color me stumped.

Still, we must be under the spell too as we love our Tony and are glad to hear he cleared his name. Also good to see Alexandra Paressant is back in the gutter where she belongs...making lots of money as a model...with increased exposure from this story...d'oh!

A Pair Of Damn Good Games

Rarely do I gush over games, but tonight NBA fans were treated to a pair of excellent ones. This once again proves to the world that God fully intends us to ditch our Christmas shopping for later in the week.

First off, the Orlando Magic took on the Dallas Mavericks. Moustached superhero Stan Van Gundy and his Magic were a hot team cooling off quickly (losing 4 of 5 games) and the Mavs were having the complete opposite fortune (winning 4 of 5 games). The stage was set for an utter blowout by the Mavs, but the loving-to-be-the-away-team Magic kept it close. With the clock ticking down to its final seconds, and the Mavericks up by 3, Magic guard Keith Bogans launched a three pointer and made it to much fanfare. The teams were tied with only about 2 seconds left or so and the game was poised to go into kickass overtime glory.

-Not so quick.

Dick Bavetta, remembering that it was a Monday and he was ALREADY about 3 hours past his bedtime, said no dice and ruled Bogans' shot a 2-pointer. That was the ball game. The crazy thing is that for a 100 year-old crypt keeper-lookalike, Bavetta is the still the best ref in the game. The replays showed that he was right and it looked like Bogans' toenail was on barely on the line. I should have known better than to ever question Bavetta, who looked like he could bitch-slap Chuck Norris after that call. What a fantastic game for both teams.

Then, came the other clash of the titans in Phoenix vs. San Antonio. The Spurs are invincible at home, with a 13-0 record that makes even the least skeptical fan believe they are poisoning the water fountain in the visiting team locker room. The game went back and forth until the Suns felt the pain of their bloody noses and surged to enter the fourth quarter with a 7 point lead. The Spurs started off the fourth with a 10-2 run and before I knew it the score was tied at 90 with less than two minutes to play...

It was at this moment that Dick Bavetta flew in on a zip line, wearing what looked like a purple cape and armed with a flame thrower. After hitting the floor at midcourt, he started screaming and turned on the flamethrower, fully igniting Boris Diaw who ran to the locker room. He then made 7 perfect calls in a row and made love to a gorgeous woman while giving Mark Cuban the finger.

Eh, actually the game after that point dwindled to a free throw shooting spree by the Suns, coupled with mistakes by the Spurs...but Bavetta would have done that if he were free.

Long story short, my dear friends, with the NFL regular season coming to a close and fantasy football leagues ending rapidly the NBA is starting to get really damn good. Tonight's games were just a preview of what is to come, so I hope you're ready for it.

Something tells me Keith Bogans will be trimming his toenails tonight.