The Least Surprising News From Last Night

Amare Likes Your Shirt...Now Give It To Him

The NBA Needs Arenas To Return With Guns Blazing

If you've thought this has been a rather boring NBA season, chances are you are a fan of oft-injured crazyman Gilbert Arenas. The guy finds a way to get the fans interested in the game that takes place OFF the court like no one else. Well, bored man, you may soon be in luck!

Gilbert Arenas, in typical Gilbert Arenas fashion, sent a text message that said "I'm playing Saturday against Detroit" to Comcast Sportsnet. Not since OJ Mayo's faxed letter to USC, declaring he was theirs, has the basketball landscape been as excited about something sent over the phone lines (This does not include Kevin Love calling his personal chef to say, "Add yet more fat to my diet").

Personally, I am completely psyched for Agent Zero to return. The league is better off when the sports highlights involve posturing and hairbrained sound bytes. With Shaq making nice-nice with Kobe, Stephon Marbury (the basketball equivalent of T.O.) momentarily happy, and Ron Artest being in between psychotic rampages, there has been a conspicuous lack of water cooler talk this season. The NBA usually hits a downswing in popularity around March, because of the NCAA Tournament, but this season seems to have been more quiet than any season in recent memory. It's enough to almost HOPE Chris Anderson falls off the wagon and winds up doing lines of coke off of the Denver Nuggets cheerleaders.

Thus, as we wait with baited breath for Gilbert to return, we'll keep our eye on the news wire for anything humorous and out of the ordinary. If nothing pops up soon, I'll petition for an NBA team in Las Vegas to drum up some fun stories (helloooooo stripper scandals!)

Rethinking This Whole "Washington Will Win The Series" Thing

Before the playoffs started, I said that Washington would win the series against Cleveland in 7 games.

No, for you information Mr. fancypants, I am not renegging on that prediction...just pointing out that right now it ain't lookin' so hot. They are actually in the gutter.

Tonight the Cavs beat the Wiz by 30 points, and somehow even Lord of the Rings tree ent Ben Wallace scored more points (8) than Gilbert Arenas (7). Lebron scored 30 points, grabbed 9 rebounds, dished out 12 assists, got only 1 turnover, blocked two shots, and impregnated 20 women all in the span of 38 minutes. In 38 minutes, I MAY have the effort to put a tv dinner in the microwave and press the start button. I simply cannot eat it in that same span of time.

While this is all well and good, I am simply dubious at the prospect of this Cavs team going anywhere this postseason with the crew they have assembled. Lebron, the playoff god, aside, their team sounds like a punchline. Ben Wallace is a liability anywhere but defense, Ilgauskas' chronically sore feet and knees make him look like a used car, Delonte West is inconsistent, and Wally's World is the biggest team jinx out there with his constant screw-ups. If the Cavs wind up winning this series 4-0, I will wholeheartedly admit that I didn't see it coming and will send an angrily worded letter to any Wizards executive or actual Wizard out there (note: I do not have the effort to do this).

We'll see if the Wiz do better next game when they aren't shooting .375. For now, they look like feces. -Not the good kind of feces either. The kind monkeys throw.

Eastern Conference Playoff Preview: Time To Get Obnoxious Again, Boston Sports Fans!

Tonight is the last night of the NBA regular season. This typically is a boring day, with starters resting and coaches that are going to get the axe at season's end just going through the motions (Hint: A Memphis coach named Iavaroni). Well, that's only half true this year. While the Eastern Conference teams are all snuggled into their respective playoff position beds, the Western teams tonight are still jockeying to see who they'll play. The Lakers and Hornets are the only teams that have any idea where they will be in the pecking order of things, but this is little consolation since they could be playing anybody.

For now, let's take a glance at the Eastern Conference playoff matchups since those are set, shall we?

Boston vs Atlanta

Winner: Boston in 4

Whyzzat?: 28 games separate these teams. We officially have our top candidate for "team that we will totally forget made the playoffs next year", as in "Wait...Atlanta made the playoffs last year? Where was I?"

Detroit vs Philly

Winner: Detroit in 6

Whyzzat?: I think Philly will make this one a bit more interesting by stealing two. Mo Cheeks has this team actually believing in themselves, and I've officially copyrighted the phrase "Mo Cheeks, Mo Problems" for when they turn heads (note: I did not actually do this). Detroit's been my pick in the East all year, so I have to stick with them. Plus, after visiting Philly this past year I have to say that I've had better Philly Cheesesteaks in at least 5 other cities. Sorry.

Orlando vs Toronto

Winner: Orlando in 5 (U.S.A! U.S.A!)

Whyzzat?: Orlando is the overlooked team in the league this year, getting no media attention whatsoever despite having a very solid team. The Jazz did pretty well flying under a very similar radar last season. If Jameer Nelson actually shows up, this could be over quickly. Hedo Turkoglu still won't be a household name, but rather a name that sounds like something yelled while sneezing (or shooting fireballs in Streetfighter II).

Cleveland vs. Washington

Winner: Washington in 6

Whyzzat?: Arenas is back, and seriously wants money this offseason when he opts out. On top of that, I really am not a big fan of Cleveland after their midseason trade for Wally's World and think they'll fold early. I'll probably wind up eating my words on this one since Lebron is a playoff monster, but I think Washington will benefit greatly by having various people carry their team this year due to injuries. Completely random side note: Both Arenas and Lebron have New York City-themed shoes.

That's it for now. We'll see how things shape up in the West after tonight.

R.I.P Antawn Jamison's Nuts

Here is the clip from last night's Pacers-Wizards game:



There is getting tapped in the cajones...and then there is this. The only thing that could have made Danny Granger's "defensive leg kick" gesture more over the top is if he were to tie a Karate Kid bandana on and wear steel-tip boots.

Antawn, you are now the proud owner of the "deez nutz" face, and we feel your pain.

Clinch-tastic Friday

Friday was a theme day of sorts as five, yes FIVE, teams clinched playoff spots in one evening.The Hornets, 76ers, Wizards, Raptors, and Lakers will be in this year's postseason, which marks a great day in the lives of bee, history, magic, dinosaur and lake enthusiasts.

One can't help but be impressed with how the 76ers have done this season with most NBA analysts writing them off (myself included).  

Andre Miller has turned into a superhero, and Andre Iguo

dala has started to come into his own as a go-to player.  Most impressive, Mo Cheeks has insp

ired the team to believe in themselves, and solidified himself as one of the better coaches that has a porn star name.

Another observation: It's sorta funny and sad at the same time that the 7th seed in the Eastern Conference has clinched a playoff spot at the same time the top team in the West did.  The first place Hornets are a paltry 31 games over .500, while the 7th seed Raptors are an astounding zero games over .500 (and the losers of 2 straight).  David Stern needs to figure out a way to get parity back into the league again because I worry this step-by-step process might become the way things happen in the future:

Step 1: An Eastern Conference crap team drafts a blue chip player in the draft. Woohoo!

Step 2: The player wows everyone, yet still is surrounded by garbage players on his team.

Step 3: After a while, the player starts complaining about his teammates. Wants to head West.

Step 4: Player demands a trade to a Western Conference team, and it's granted. Barf.

There is an enormous growing trend towards this process, and in my opinion it's a bit silly.  If I were a player I would prefer to be on an Eastern Conference team because I wouldn't have to stew over the fact that I missed the playoffs despite being 10 games over .500. You could probably tie your shoelaces together and do a "power hour" during half of the games and still manage to get in the playoffs in the East (unless you are a member of the Bobcats, in which your hopes evaporate like the cigar smoke rings Michael Jordan blows in the air). 

Congrats to the five playoff teams, and best of luck to the Lakers and Hornets...who actually have a shot.

DeShawn Is Tired of YOU!

As far as I can confirm, DeShawn Stevenson likes 3 things; money, hoes, and defense. In the last night's 101-99 victory over Cleveland, LeToya Luckett's fiance Farrah Franklin's boy toy Stevenson had 13 points, 5 assists, and 3 steals in 39 minutes of play; not too shabby.

The story of the night though is not the things he does like (the aforementioned money, hoes, and defense, as well as guns, statutory rape, and fights), but what he doesn't like, i.e. Lebron James. According to Washington Post blogger Ivan Carter, one guy with 2 capital letters in his first name is fed up with the better guy with 2 capital letters in his first name.

"At the end of the first quarter, after James missed a layup while he was defended closely by Stevenson, James starting barking in Stevenson's direction. I was sitting at the press table not all that far from James but couldn't make out his exact words because the crowd at the VC was actually loud for once but they weren't friendly.

Stevenson wasn't backing down.

Afterward, he talked about how the Cavs tried to punk the Wizards and how he's tired of it.
'I was just trying to get up under his skin and make him think about me playing, competing and talking trash. I played with Raja Bell in Utah and I take a lot of things from him. He's a great defender. Sometimes you gotta do that with those guys. Those guys play guys that are scared of them all day so sometimes, you gotta get under their skin and talk some trash and tonight, I tried to do that.'"

I learned all my best stuff from Raja Bell too. Afterward, Stevenson was heard saying to Post reporter Mike Lee about Cleveland's Messiah,

"He's overrated, And you can say I said that."

This is what happens when average role-players get their heads gassed after a decent performance. Not good, DECENT. It was a team effort; all of Washington's starters finished with at least 10 points, not to mention 15 and 10 coming from Darius Songaila and Nick Young respectively off the bench. On top of that, Caron Butler made his anticipated return to the squad, and played almost 42 minutes, which is a huge shot in the arm for that team. Even so, King James had 25 points, 7 boards, and 7 assists, which is much closer to a triple-double than Stevenson has ever seen. So really, if LBJ was overrated, he would've been shut down by you, because you are supposed to guard him. I mean isn't that fundamentally the goal of defense? Does that mean your defense is overrated? To me, you have to be better than average to start handing out overrated blasts, especially to someone who is the future of the game. You know who's overrated? Eddy Curry. Ben Wallace. Jermaine O'Neal. Let's put it into perspective here, I'm a good looking guy, but you don't see me throwing overrated blasts at Justin Timberlake; it's just not my place. I mean look at how fresh he dresses!

The Southeast Division's Losing Streak Is Fun For All Ages!

It was a slow Sunday, with most people (myself included) basically taking the day off and relaxing. The extra time allowed me to take a glance at the standings and it would appear that one team has had a bad run of losing lately.

This team I refer to is the entire collective Southeast division.

See what I did there? I zinged ya!

I didn't? You saw it coming because it was in the post title? Crap. Well I guess you got me there.

Anyhoo, with the exception of the Magic, who have actually been doing quite well lately and only have a losing streak of 1 game, all of the Southeast teams have been losing in droves:

- The Wizards have cooled after a resurgance and have lost 6 straight. I should note that the Wizards have a chance to either extend or snap this streak right now as I write. They are currently trailing the Suns 75-71. Only you, reader of the future, know the outcome!

-The Bobcats have lost 6 straight and appear ready to admit that Jason Richardson was not the answer to all of their problems. The grassroots campaign to bring the Hornets back to Charlotte should start any day now.

-The hapless Heat played their first game with Shawn Marion and still lost their 7th straight game. The fun thing about the Heat this year is that they appear to enjoy only losing in incredibly long streaks. It's only a matter of time before I find a fun way to gamble on this with friends.

-Even the Hawks, a team that has been surprisingly good this year, has lost two in a row and 6 of their last 10. -And here we thought we had something by pre-ordering 500 "SUPER Mario West" t-shirts. Damn fortune cookie, with it's "You Will Succeed With New Business Endeavors" lies!

Yes, we know this article is just yet another in a long line of "the Eastern Conference Sucks" posts on the internet, but it is still rare (and quite fun!) to see an entire division do the figurative "Biff Tannen from Back to the Future" and get horse manure dumped all over it.

If Washington wins tonight, I'll be sure to update this post to let you know which rock to find me under.

Caron Butler Did The Dew

Wizards star Caron Butler had a problem.

-Not drugs or booze, but a much more...well...neon green problem.

Apparently he is no longer permitted by his family or friends to drink Mountain Dew because he used to drink too much of it. How much? In his words:

"A lot. -Before every game at Connecticut, I drank a two-liter of Mountain Dew. I'm dead serious. Ask my wife what she would have to go get me before a game. I'd be like, 'Hey, stop by the 7-11, bring me a two-liter.' "

He even had a special ritualistic way of drinking it every game:

"Yeah, I'd be wired," Butler confirmed. "I'd drink half [before the game], and then I'd drink half at halftime. Because, you know, it shoots you up. And then there's a down, and you're flat-lining, and you've got to go back up again. That's what I've been doing, but they don't want me to drink it any more. They done took my Mountain Dew from me."

Personally, I only drink Mountain Dew once a year on Halloween. The green color for some reason looks "Halloweeny" to me, and I usually am doing some crazy partying on Halloween that only Mountain Dew's levels of hyperactivity can prepare me for. Hearing that Caron was addicted is no surprise to me as that stuff is pure electricity in a bottle. It's also no surprise that Caron's primary reason for drinking it was as an energy boost as that stuff tastes like pure goat piss.

I have a good friend who would drink Mountain Dew Code Red as his only source of fluids. He never drank water and after a while it became apparent that it was the only thing he would consume. I have been face to face with the Dew addiction my friends...and it is rough.

"Y'all think this is just a game; it's dead serious," he said. "I've got six refrigerators in the house. I used to have Mountain Dews filled in all of them. I don't have A Mountain Dew in my refrigerator no more. It's crazy, man. Pretty soon they'll say I can't chew my straws any more."

Hopefully he stays neon-green sober.

Wait...who am I kidding? I would LOVE to see him frothing at the mouth and yelling about extreme sports during a primetime broadcast. He'd look like that Mountain Dew machine that turned into a robot in Transformers The Movie.

Agent Zero Might Be On His Butt Playing Video Games For Longer Than Expected

The Wizards say Gilbert Arenas will return to action in 3 months after reinjuring his left knee, but it sounds like he wants to take a tad longer.

How much longer? How about the whole year:

"I need to start thinking about longevity in my career instead of just this injury right now. Every great player has missed at least one year. I'm going to go in, do my rehab and take my time this time. I have to be right for the next six, seven years of my career."

Zounds! If you close your eyes immediately after reading that, you can get a clear mental picture of Wizard's management knocking Eddie Jordan out of the Wizard's coaching spot in the future. In my personal vision, the Wizards hire Zidane and he headbutts Jordan out of a 10-story window.

Agent Zero's apparent decision to ignore team doctors sounds eerily similar to Dwayne Wade's decision to come back on his own schedule. It kinda makes me wish I had decided to enter the world of sports medicine, as I would have gotten a shitload of money to have the organization pressure me into decisions and have the players ignore them anyways. Low risk, high reward sounds good to me!

Still, very sad news that one of the most entertaining players in the NBA could be be out for a very long time. Almost makes you want to cry.

-You, not me. I have Caron Butler in most of my fantasy basketball teams! (helloooo at least 20 shots a game!)

NBA Live, The EA Sports "We Don't Give A Shit" Franchise

Sorry Gilbert, although we all know you are the coverman for NBA Live 08, even you have to admit that EA Sports isn't exactly lighting it up on the basketball front.

Last year, nearly everyone I knew that owned a PS2, XBOX, or suped-up toaster opted for NBA 2k7 instead of NBA Live 07. I followed suit after a wave of bad reviews of NBA Live 07 convinced me to do so. I wasn't disappointed and had a blast with NBA 2k7.

This year, reviews once again seem to state that you are likely better off to go with NBA 2k8 instead of NBA Live 08 across the board, but I was not lucky enough to make this easy choice. You see, dear reader, I own a PSP portable thingamajig.

The only NBA games for the PSP this year are NBA Live 08, and NBA 08. While NBA 2k8 features a sleek looking Chris Paul on the cover, and NBA Live 08 has a determined Gilbert Arenas, NBA 08 has a somewhat confused Amare Stoudamire, looking sideways like he just smelled a Rosie O'Donnell fart.

NBA o8 is the red-headed stepchild of the three titles. While it has NBA play like the other two, it ALSO promises (and I'm not making this up) a mode in which you play as Amare Stoudamire...playing carnival games like Whack-A-Mole, Skee-ball, and Pinball. They also have something called "Conquest Mode" in which you play other cities and take over their best players like Risk.

Since usually gimmicks = garbage, I opted to go with NBA Live 08 for the PSP. The unknown of NBA 08 was just too terrifying and I wussed out.

Usually when I buy a game I feel great, but this time I felt kinda crappy. I felt like I had settled for the sister of the hot girl...the one with a unibrow and teeth sticking out of her forehead. I wanted to feel better, so before I opened the package I looked online for some videos past and present of various NBA Live games.

This video is what I watched to see what I would get to look forward to with NBA Live franchise. Enjoy:



I promptly ran out of my apartment, hopped on a bus, and returned NBA Live 08 for NBA 08 and felt great about it. You know you made the right choice when you feel good about yourself after spending close to an hour and a half on a trip to exchange a video game.

Time to play some Amare Whack-A-Mole.

New-Look Celtics Debut Tonight: Get Out Your Earplugs

The day has finally come: the day when a news story had the coolest title ever.

-But also, the day has come to see what the new look Celtics team actually looks like on the court.

Part of me really wants to watch this, especially with Gilbert Arenas and the promising Wizards on the card, and part of me really, REALLY doesn't. Why wouldn't I want to watch this game, you ask? Because every year an NBA team comes out that gets slobbered over (or "slurped" as the PTI guys put it), and tonight's game will be the epitome of it.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, here is a handy dandy preview of how the announcers will be calling throughout the game:

The Celtics score a basket, and are leading in the game: "WOW! Look at this team! They look unstoppable! In a weak East, these guys could do some DAMAGE! Just look at the smiles on their faces!"

or

The Celtics completely suck ass, doing everything wrong and losing the game by 40 points: "Well, this team just needs time to gel. With so many pieces added, you know they will get it together and find a way to win. They still are the top team in the East in my eyes. Really just an unheard of combination of talent."

If you can imagine an entire game of that, nonstop, with little sprinkles of mentioning the other players, you can imagine my concern. If Bill Walton is calling the game, just put an axe in your forehead right now and save yourself the trouble.

This game does present an interesting opportunity: The Wizards might be mentioned so infrequently, there is a golden chance to make a drinking game out of it. Any time a member of the Wizards gets spoken about longer than in passing, you drink.

For example: "Arenas with the basket" in a monotone voice in between conversations about Paul Pierce's green headband does NOT count.

On second thought, there could very well be some angry, very sober people writing me after the game, so nix that idea.

Maybe play another game: Every 100 times the Celtics are gushed over you change the channel.

Hopefully they aren't on the other stations too. Paul Pierce probably won't be in the nonstop discussion about the Heisman vote on ESPNews.

Or WILL he?

On a side note...wow...talk about finding a perfect photo for what I said. (Pats himself on the back)

New Sitcom Idea: The Wiz House

With crap-fest shows like "Cavemen" and "Moonlight" on television this season, I think it's about time an NBA player or two got their own show. -Not so quick, "Hangtime" star Reggie Theus, you already had your shot.

There are many promising options out there:

-Survivor: Kemp's Kids, CBS (See which one of Shawn Kemp's illigitemate children can outwit and outlast the others to win a spot at his Thanksgiving table)

-Travis Diener M.D, ABC (Sequel to the popular "Doogie Howser M.D." showcases 12 year old child prodigy)

-Moustache Rides with host Adam Morrison, Playboy TV (No explanation needed)

Out of all of the options though, my preference goes to anything starring Gilbert Arenas. Once I heard a while back that Gilbert Arenas was renting out a house to young Wizards players Dominic McGuire and Nick Young, I KNEW the potential was there. Looking at the Toronto Star newspaper today revealed the premise for my newest million-dollar NBA show idea: The Wiz House.

Gilbert Arenas ran an item recently on his teammate, former USC star Nick Young.
Arenas wrote that Young and his pal, Dominic McGuire, are practical jokers. One day, Arenas was playing the video game Halo – oh, yeah, better make that every day – but in this particular instance, he was playing Halo and saw Young and McGuire sneaking around near his house armed with paintball guns. The pranksters jumped a wall and came in through the garage, but Arenas had already left the house and was across the street, flattening their car tires.

This battle royale is exactly what a channel like Spike TV is looking for, considering the fact that 98% of their programming involves phrases like "Battle Royale". Toss in that friggin' weird Gonzo-lookalike mascot Washington has and you have a success on your hands. Hollywood, get er' done.