The Least Surprising News From Last Night

Kevin McHale Goes Isiah On The T-Wolves...Local Papers Begin Preparing Their Sexual Harrassment and Drug Overdose Stories

Serving as evidence to the long-term effects of pressure put on the genitals by short shorts of the 1980's, Kevin McHale stepped down from his cushy front office position for the Minnesota Timberwolves to coach the 4-15 squad.

That's right, he's pulling an Isiah Thomas.

I can't wait until Sebastian Telfair gives his best Starbury impression on the Minneapolis version of Mike'd Up!

Kevin Love Weight Watch: He Be Fat Again

Kevin Love, the Oprah of weight fluctuation, is in the hunt for a personal chef...do you smell potential reality tv show gold here as much as I do?

Yes, Love has gained an undisclosed amount of weight, which usually means something horrific. No one has a problem with admitting someone gained 15 pounds...so yeah it has to be above that. I have to also say that it's always a good sign when:

A) Kevin McHale acquires you. This almost certainly means you suck.

and

B) You need to hire a chef to keep your weight down, despite the fact that it is your JOB to EXCERCISE and you spend around 10-15 hours a day in the weight room and doing intense cardio.

This leads me to one conclusion: Kevin Love either has a bad glandular problem (in which case he has my sympathies) or is eating scoops of cookie dough on alternating minutes in the day in a bizarre "power hour" display. The real truth is probably much grimmer, with him injecting gravy into his veins like Motley Crue.

Awoooooooooo....what a bad uniform

Fans of the Minnesota Timberwolves and...well...fans of the wolf animal rejoice, for your team has unveiled its new look. -Actually, The Howeva Files(amongst others) unveiled it a while ago, but who am I to care?

Yes, folks, the Timberwolves are now officially the "Wolves", so says it on their jerseys. What's that you say? They ARE still the Timberwolves, but just shortened it on their fancy shirts? Great...good to hear that's not confusing. Apparently the team used to have Wolves on their jerseys back in the early 90s, the true heyday of the team being awful. Now McHale can start getting the team back to it's true place in the NBA with non-subtle sucking.

And here we go, some stars to get fans excited! Stars like Mike Miller, wearer of the Kevin Sorbo/Aragorn-esque shoulder-length straight hair. Part of me likes Mike Miller, the same part that enjoys Scot Pollard and other misplaced freaky white guys. -But another part of me (call it the "rational" part) thinks it isn't the best idea to start marketing your team's new look around someone who you got as a toss-in during your swap of 1st round draft picks.

At least the team hasn't completely abandoned the godzilla-sized MONSTER WOLF (seen below), standing tall over thousands of pine trees. As crummy as things get with the team, the Minnesota fan can continue to claim to others that their logo is perhaps the least child-friendly, most evil and poop-your-pants-inducing logo out there. Once this large-nostriled animal is stricken from team apparell, you can officially stick a fork in this franchise. At least the Vikings have Adrian Peterson!

New Uniform Time! Huzzah!

Today three teams unveiled their new uniforms for the upcoming season. -Well, they didn't so much UNVEIL them as a ton of internet fanboys and fangirls found internet photos of rookie photo shoots in which the NBA made the players be in the uniforms they would be wearing this upcoming season. Only the Orlando Magic seemed to get away from it without revealing the full monty, saving it for later.

So let's take a look, shall we?

Sacramento Kings

Hmm...not really all that much different here. With the black collar and lack of anything near the shoulder area, this sorta looks like one of those cheap t-shirt jerseys that you can get at Sports Authority, Modells, and other sporting goods stores. This jersey is really more of a metaphor for how the Maloofs and those within the Kings organization are treating the team as of late: "We really don't give a crap about the team...so just toss some generic product out there and call it 'New and Improved'". I maintain my sympathy for Kings fans who are watching their team once again plummet to the depths after a really successful run during the Divac days.

Minnesota Timberwolves

The team scored some points for the new logo they unveiled, even if it was a carbon copy of the Mavericks logo, but this...well THIS is just friggin' awful. Look at that name font. Look at that drab color. For heaven's sake, LOOK AT THAT COLLAR! If there was ever a mish-mash of Kevin McHale's insanity, this is it. I was hoping they would keep the pine trees, as it was a rather creative and original idea to have them on the jersey in the first place, but they are somehow partitioned off to the sides of the collar. The only thing that could possibly make this sillier is if the jersey was modelled by some out of shape guy who is staring down the camera like a creepy outtake from "Deliverance". Someone get Kevin Love on the phone, stat!

Orlando Magic

We're only getting a look at the tippy-top of this jersey since the team is keeping it a secret until a former unveiling, but already America can see into the future: These new Magic jerseys are going to look a bit weird. It looks like Magic rookie Courtney Lee had a zipper on the front of his jersey and pulled it down, as if to say, "Take a look at my manly chest hair." Now imagine an entire TEAM of people looking like they are showing off their chest hair (especially hairy folks like Turkoglu) and you have what will either be the ugliest collection of jerseys or the best retro disco-era jersey of all time. As a Magic fan, I'm hoping for the latter. If they replace the basketball in the Magic logo with a disco ball, consider me sold.

New Timberwolves Logo...How Long Until Mark Cuban Sues?

With the draft coming up soon, it's time for crap teams to start looking to the future to avoid the hell that is their present. No team is in need of more of a diversion from the baggy-eyed present that is Kevin McHale than the Minnesota Timberwolves. They are chucking a new logo out there and seeing how it does. Early word is that this is a secondary logo, but I don't think that is a definite yet.

And here you are, dear readers:

I know what you are thinking and NO I didn't just photoshop a wolf on the Dallas Mavericks logo. Boy, how much of a ripoff of the Dallas logo is that? Sure, the old "monster wolf in front of green trees" logo smacked of days past when Garnett actually had the boys in contention, but it did at least stand out. This chucks the team into that netherworld that is Clippers-Nuggets-Atlanta Hawks-esque logo and color abiguity. I am going to reserve complete judgement until I see the primary logo (if there is a different one), but so far this just smacks of copycat work. For shame, Minnesotans.

As you can ask any of my friends, I take logos and colors of teams WAY too seriously, so I will be following this story closely. A recent rumor that my favorite team, the Magic, might be getting a new logo is enough to keep me up at night. The moment Minnesota's new primary logo is leaked, you will find it here.*


*Unless I am on vacation, asleep, or generally unmotivated. There is approximately a 13% I will not be one of those things, so stay tuned!

We Tell You What To Watch: Week of March 3-9

Lots of fun games coming up this week, and with our fancy new shortened name, we figured there was no better time to break out a new weekly staple: WE TELL YOU WHAT TO WATCH. We'll begin every week with a glance at the top 3 games to watch and their oh-so-fun storylines. It's sort of like the Sporting News' "On Deck" Column, but with less actual info and more photos of Megan Fox (Maxim says she can only cook Hot Pockets and Eggo Waffles. HOT!)

Without any futher ado, here's our top 3 for this week:

3) Cavs at Knicks (Wednesday March 5th):

Knicks to Stephon: "-AND NEVER COME BACK!...So, uh, you coming to tonight's game?"

Remember that crazy ban the Knicks put on Stephon Marbury last Friday? Yep, 'tis gone. The Knicks invited the guard to their home game on Monday with super short notice, and Isiah actually ran away when asked if there were any restrictions on what Marbury could say. We figure this time around Marbury will have some time to actually show up, and will probably drop some f-bombs for the kids. Anything that happens on the court is just icing on the cake.

2) Rockets at Mavs (Thursday March 6th, TNT):

Assuming they beat the hapless Pacers on Wednesday night (we'll go out on a limb and say they win it unless Travis Diener starts...the man is 87 pounds of pure fury), the Rockets will be looking to extend their winning streak to 17 games when they face the Mavs. This game will probably break some sort of record for amount of times a guy's injury is mentioned. We suggest you watch it on mute, folks.

1) GAME OF THE WEEK: Spurs at Suns (Sunday March 9th, ABC):

This game will be sort of like a limbo contest because at this point it's all about "How low will the Suns go?!" I'd be more proud to say that I called Steve Kerr singlehandedly ruining the Suns chances at a championship if every other person on the planet didn't silently predict the same thing. Notice to NBA owners: former players do not equal smart businessmen. These people buy cars with night vision as investments!

MUST MISS OF THE WEEK: Bobcats at Timberwolves (Tuesday, March 4th):

The Bobcats are 4-22 on the road. The Wolves are 12-46 TOTAL. Something's gotta give. -We think it will be our stomachs.

Everyone's Got A Case Of The "Trade Me"s

Normally it's the TEAMS testing the trade waters with their players.

-Not so much anymore. Once the pinhole appeared in the dam with Fohawk model JJ Redick's agent making his urge to be traded public, it was only a matter of time before the rest of the dam broke.

Today there was a veritable cornucopia of players telling their teams to trade them.

Jerome James wants a change of scenery. Apparently that team isn't even good enough for a guy named "Big Snacks". How can you not forsee good things for a player once described as "the worst free-agent signing of the summer (and in the pantheon of all-time worst)"?

Jamal Crawford looks like he's "pulling a Jason Kidd", as those close to him are telling the world he wants a trade (including friend and writer Percy Allen), all while Jamal shrugs and says, "Who...me?" with an innocent smile. This does not bode well for Isiah Thomas' plans for the future. Someone's gotta breathe that depleted ozone air!

Devean George wants a trade too. He was that guy who used to be on the Lakers back when they were serious title contenders, remember? No, not that guy, the other guy. You know, on the bench? No, not Mark Madsen. He was sorta chubby and came in about 5 minutes a night for mop up duty? Not ringing any bells? Ah, forget it.

Gerald Green wants a trade. What I find to be the most interesting part of this story is that I read about Green wanting out of Minnesota on 5 different sites, and all referred to him as "Leaper Gerald Green". I guess he has been relegated to "that guy who was in the dunk contest" status, along with Nate Robinson and Brent Barry (Josh Smith only recently escaped, now a fantasy god). I'd hate this if I were Green, as it really is only a small typo from being "Leper Gerald Green".

Overall, if these guys are looking for sympathy they are looking at the wrong guy. I feel like getting a trade demand to go anywhere in the NBA requires some madcap antics, and they have not been going this route yet. Get caught with a prostitute, I say! Go tell the team owner that he smells like the clearance section of Dress Barn! Better yet, I have the perfect idea:

Oh wait...it appears someone already did it. Everyone run! Apparently Rasheed's going to demand a trade!

Last Second Shot Theme Night!

Apparently it was "last second shot" theme night in the NBA tonight. Three of the games ended in most dramatic fashion.

The Magic beat the Pistons on a last second jumper from "that overpaid guy" Rashard Lewis, snapping a 9 game losing streak against them. Both teams have been struggling lately, losing to teams like the Bobcats and Knicks, so something had to give. Coincidentally, both of these teams are also the ones competing in the "We don't want Webbe

r, you take him" sweepstakes.

On the other side of the luck coin, Al Harrington was unable to tip in a ball as time expired, costing the game for the Warriors. This was significant as it was against the Timberwolves, a team who appears to have their heart set on being as awful as possible this season. I could have swore I saw Kevin McHale in the stands frowning after the win and thinking, "Damn, I need that first overall draft pick so I can trade it to Boston!"

And finally, in Portland Travis Outlaw made a 20 foot jumper with 1 second left to propel the infant Blazers over the Atlanta Hawks. The Blazers are surprisingly deep on their team as the points, assists, and rebound leaders were of the unheralded variety: Travis Outlaw, Steve Blake, and Channing Frye. When Greg Oden comes back, this team will be the early years of the Spurs all over again (Cue high and squeaky-voiced Avery Johnson soundbyte).

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take some last second shots of my own (grabs a Jack Daniels bottle)...

America's "Case Of The Mondays"

Announcement: First of all, congrats to Sly The Fox on winning "Atlantic Division's Creepiest Mascot" and moving on to round 2 of the Creepiest NBA Mascot Tournament. Congrats Sly...you are one step closer to haunting the dreams of America's children.

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I don't care if you got a promotion or won a million dollars, Monday provided two counts of indesputable proof that life isn't fair on Mondays:

First off: Monday Night Football kicked America in the nuts. The Patriots, as everyone knew they were going to, came back to beat the Baltimore Ravens at the last second. I contend that the one thing worse than watching a perfect, rather evil team come back and win is KNOWING they will do so about 3 quarters beforehand. -And you wonder why we choose to follow the NBA and have an unnatural hatred in Boston Celtics articles...

and

Secondly: As Pardon The Interruption pointed out on Monday, America had those same nuts grabbed and twisted with the knowledge that beady-eyed hairy guy Marko Jaric (below) is somehow dating Victoria Secret model Adriana Lima (above). While on one hand you have to do a golf clap for the apparent immensity of Jaric's Dirk Diggler (he had to get her somehow), you also have to shake your head at the stupidity of models. This girl could have anyone, and yet is attracted to a bench player whose own team appears to not want him anymore. You could practically see her turning him down, then Jaric saying, "Hairy backs are the new "in" thing!", and him reaping the rewards. While it is true that "dumb models make the world go 'round", it is also true that "every time a bell rings Marko Jaric plows into Adriana Lima".

That is a most unsettling thought for you to take with you through the holidays, dear reader. (My doorbell just rang as I wrote that) DAMN, Marko!

The OJ Report Part I: Does Minnesota Like-a Da Juice, Ah?

Now that you, our loyal readers, have bet all savings on our highly-biased predictions, it's time to start thinking about how you're going to get that money back. I, myself, have started thinking about next year a-la Mel Kiper Jr.

So what's on the horizon?

THE OJ COMETH!

As previously noted, the Minnesota Timberwolves are a travesty in large part thanks to their vice president of operations, Kevin McHale. Unfortunately for Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, McHale does in fact have a plan and it's modeled after the administrations of ML Carr and Danny Ainge.

Through his numerous trades, McHale has built a roster of 15 players dominated by 6 unspectacular former Celtics. In Carr fashion, McHale has built the T-Wolves to be fucked for centuries, but after watching his former teammate, Danny Ainge, he's realized there's one loophole to redeem himself. If he ensures they tank the season and finish with the worst record, he'll have a 25% chance to make OJ Mayo the first pick in the draft.

The appetizers: He's recieved LeBron-ish hype since the 8th grade. After being accused of assault as a student in Cincinnati, he transfered to a high school in West Virginia where he made even more headlines for a phantom chest bump on a ref and a citation for marijuana possession that was later dismissed.
The Main Entre: He recruited a college, not the other way around. Looking to market himself in a major market during his likely one year of college before entering the NBA, Mayo had a runner walk into the office of USC coach, Tim Floyd, to tell him of Mayo's desire to come to SoCal.

All I can say is that I cannot get enough of this kid and you can look forward to more updates and speculations on his future NBA home as the season progresses.

Kevin McHale Has Officially Lost His Mind: Davis and Blount To Miami

As if it wasn't before, now it is official: Kevin McHale is simply trying to fuck up the Timberwolves beyond recognition.

ESPN is reporting that the Timberwolves and Heat are close to completing a trade that would send potential top scorer Ricky Davis and servicable big man Mark Blount to Miami for a heaping pile of vomit. This vomit includes completely useless and out of shape Antoine "Black Brando" Walker, Mike Doleac, Wayne Simian, and a first round draft pick (whoop dee doo!).

Just like America is asking themselves, "Wow, who would have thought we'd one day think Kevin Federline was way more normal than Britney Spears?", those in the NBA community are now asking themselves "Wow, who would have thought a GM would come along that was awful enough to make Isiah Thomas look good?"

This, coupled with the news that Kevin McHale turned down several better offers to drop All-Star Kevin Garnett into his old team's hands, just set the offseason benchmark that inept GMs will have to try to hit in the future. Wow...good luck trying to beat this one, guys.