This afternoon the NCAA ruled that Auburn QB, Cam Newton, is ineligible for the BCS National Championship Game on January 10th in Glendale, Arizona after an investigation revealed that he had received improper benefits. On December 27th, the Heisman award winner allegedly returned a Blu-ray copy of the Will Ferrel comedy,"The Other Guys", he had received as a gift on Christmas for a store credit.
"I had already gotten it for myself on the day it came out," Newton said in a tersely written statement to the press. "I know what I did was unethical and was against the rules. I just didn't understand what I would do with two discs of the same movie."
CORRECTION: Newton has now been declared eligible after it was revealed that his daddy returned the Blu-ray. Cecil was later seen driving his rocket car that was paid for by school boosters to get his son to play at Auburn, but that's OK. Everything is alright, everyone! False alarm.
Watching this video of 6 foot 3 Pepperdine college player Keion Bell dunk over seven people made me giddy (even though he DID push off of that one guy for leverage). Not because it was an amazing feat...I literally yawned while watching him do it...but rather because of the mascot that jumps out afterward and captures my eyes and attention from then on:
It's some sort of smiling wave thingy with sunglasses, which I suppose is the official mascot of Pepperdine, named Willie The Wave: "Oh, Pepperdine has an interesting mascot" was not what I blurted out. What I DID blurt out was "WHOA, IT'S MAC TONIGHT!" I almost leaped out of my seat. As the adrenaline slowly wore off I was able to take in more of the character and noticed subtle differences. The character was blue, not white. His hair had many points, not just one. Most apparently, he was dressed like a down-and-out stoner, and not a well-to-do businessman. Still, the likeness was there, and suddenly I find Pepperdine a lot more interesting.
Mac Tonight, in case you are under the age of 14 or have been living in a bunker, was an amazing short-lived mascot for McDonalds that advertised the fact that they were open late. His name was a bizarre collage of Big Macs, nighttime, and the swing-era song "Mack The Knife". This alone makes him glorious. The fact that he had an enormous crescent moon head with sunglasses and had toys designed after him is what TRULY had him win our hearts. I want to be in that board meeting where some marketing exec had the balls to say, "I have a way for us to sell more burgers: a creepy albino with a moon for a head that sings songs that were popular 50 years ago."
Honestly, while I am happy that Willie The Wave has kept alive the memory of the now deceased Mac Tonight (cause of death: end of advertising campaign/crushed to death under weight of his own head), all he really accomplishes is making us long for the original.
Mac Tonight, if you are reading this, I hope you are in heaven playing that piano on a cloud, still inexplicably catering to children with 8pm bedtimes and telling them that McDonalds is open until 2am.
PARIS, France - In the wake of his firing from the University of Notre Dame, who finished this past season 6-6, several sources are reporting that Charlie Weis will board a private jet to France to sign a lucrative deal with clergy officials to be their bell-ringer through 2013.
"Ever since the death of Quasimodo in the 1830's, our esteemed chapel has been without a tubby, ineffective man to ring our bells. We believe that Charlie Weis, with his immense size, unfortunate countenance, and knowledge of pro-style offensive formations can help us greatly in this area", said Cardinal Emmanuel Delacroix.
Weis has already received much interest in resuming an offensive coordinator post in the NFL, from such teams as the Bills and Chiefs. Weis is unlikely to take them up on their offer. "As one of the biggest geniuses of the NFL, I would like my career to continue its upward trajectory. Taking an offensive coordinator position would be a step backward. At Notre Dame in Paris, I would have control of all recruiting and personnel decisions within the bell tower, and would have ultimate say on play calls regarding how often the big bells get hit over the little ones. Shit, I am even SHAPED like a bell. It's quite an attractive situation."
As Weis left for the airport, his limo was pelted with rotting vegetables from Indiana townsfolk. Weis could be seen pointing at the highway, yelling at his limo driver, "Sanctuary! Sanctuary!"
This afternoon the NCAA ruled that Auburn QB, Cam Newton, is ineligible for the BCS National Championship Game on January 10th in Glendale, Arizona after an investigation revealed that he had received improper benefits. On December 27th, the Heisman award winner allegedly returned a Blu-ray copy of the Will Ferrel comedy,"The Other Guys", he had received as a gift on Christmas for a store credit.
