Despite what you think, not Everyone Has Linsanity

Never has there been a more perfect depiction of what the NBA players on the court with Jeremy Lin are thinking:

Thanks to artist Mike Scanlon.

Jeremy Lin's Swag Is Electric

Holy crapoli. It has been a long time since I've enjoyed watching a player as much as I enjoyed watching Jeremy Lin tonight. He is like an asian Steve Nash, but with the youthful exuberance of some kid who happened to get picked out of the stands and told he was playing in the NBA tonight.

Enough words! Check out this post three-pointer-at-the-buzzer swagger, and you'll see what I mean:

Nate Robinson Has Ups/Is An Idiot

I don't know how I missed this because I was watching the game, but I could watch this on loop for hours.

Here is the Celtics' Nate Robinson trying to celebrate a great play from Paul Pierce against the Knicks, only to wind up looking like one of his 1800 tries in his annual dunk contest debacle.

Big thanks to reader DJ Aphlatoon for the link.



Happy 2011 folks. I literally had to ask my wife what year it was before I wrote that.

Oh Please, Oh Please, Oh Please, Oh Please

While I frequent casinos, I've only gambled on sports once in my life, making a then unpopular bet that the Magic would draft Dwight Howard over Emeka Okafor. It was wishful thinking. I won $50 and that was that.

Now I turn to a second bet, with my investment in MSG stock. I sit here hoping and praying that Lebron goes to the Knicks with a look on my face much like that blonde woman below Lebron in the photo above. It's either boom or bust at this point as Amare's presence did little more than have me break even since investing on the stock a few weeks back (actually, at today's close I am down $8, but that's close enough).

Word is that Lebron will be making the announcement in Greenwich, CT...which is closer to NYC than Chicago, Miami, or Cleveland. Furthermore, I find it extremely telling that he decided to get out of him home state for the announcement. If he DOES decide to re-sign with the Cavs or go to the Bulls or Heat, I am calling upon every man, woman, and child to create a human roadblock so he cannot leave the northeast. This will be an airtight plan to keep him here unless he boards a plane.

Our esteemed Taylor Cunningham will be live blogging the announcement tomorrow, and I can hardly wait. Hopefully someone hands him the wrong paper and he accidentally admits to sleeping around on Elin.

I Am A Moron

I am about to blow your mind with some news:

The Knicks are a publicly traded stock. That stock's symbol is "MSG". Look it up if you don't believe me.

-And as of today, if you look "Moron" in the dictionary, it is probably accompanied by a photo of me. This is because I invested money in the MSG stock this morning (along with Verizon). I am completely doing this in preparation for the Knicks offseason, in which I ACTUALLY think they'll get Lebron...or at least Bosh. Yes, I am an idiot. I do not hide this fact.

It's one of those rare times when one can make money off of a sports prediction. Wait. That happens all the time. Nevermind.

Anyhoo, I'll provide periodic updates on how the stock is doing for me. When I am broke, burning anything that is orange and blue, you'll know how it all worked out.

MSG Stock update: Down 15 bucks.

Crap. I didn't expect to be proved to be an idiot this quickly!

Houstonians, Hold Onto Your McGriddles

As Houston scrambles to figure out how they are going to survive next season without their franchise players Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming, trade rumors are swirling. One of the biggest ones thrown out there will bring Eddy Curry to Houston, the 6th fattest city in the country. If this happens, what will be the over/under that we will see the first 400 lbs. NBA center?

David Lee Is Available Ladies, Er...I Mean Teams

Restricted free agent power forward (lord, that is a long title) David Lee came out today and said he will gladly play for any team that will pay him...Wanting cash...wow, really different than the other players in the NBA, David. Definitely headline-worthy.

I really like David Lee. Not only because I feel bad that he had to endure the crap Larry Brown years AND the crap Isiah years, but also because he seems to genuinely be a nice, entertaining guy to be around. With an introduction like that, tell me I wouldn't be a good wingman.

Here is David Lee being his usual fun self:



I find it very funny the way he almost yells at the camera "I like the way you THINK." This makes the image of David Lee hitting on women akin to him walking up to a bunch of women, them looking at how tall he is, and him blurting out, "I'm very tall and proportionate everywhere. Yes, everwhere. You may now fight over me."
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Update: How amazing is this Bulls-Celtics series? Really, KG's inclusion would have only ruined this thing. Celtics win in OT again.

Update #2: Magic beat the Sixers to take a 3-2 lead. I can now sleep soundly.

Bosh Is So Out Of There...And I'll Tell You Where He'll Go!

If you were making bets on "likeliest to wind up in a new destination in 2010", I would bet everything you own and even some of your friends' stuff that Chris Bosh will be out of Toronto. Bosh is a superstar, yet gets about 1/8th the publicity of people like Elton Brand because he is in Canada (which in most peoples' minds is similar to that rocky area that Frodo, Sam and Gollum were walking around in the Two Towers).

As if you needed any further backing up on this front, Bosh has started talking about how publicly disappointed he is in the Raptors this season. Once a player starts saying things like this:

"If you would have told me in October that we were going to be fighting just to make the playoffs, I wouldn't have believed you," Bosh said. "I've had worse years as far as the team is concerned but this has been the toughest, yeah, only because the expectations were so high and things just didn't happen like we thought they would."

...you know it's over. The guy has begun the first step of removing himself and letting other teams know that he can be had: Saying his team is having problems, but not identifying himself in any way as part of the problem. Just return the Bosh jerseys, kids, while you can still trade them to pawn shops for cash (I have a Magic McGrady jersey that I still regret buying right before he got traded).

I've been saying it for almost a year know, so it's about time I put it in print: I forsee Chris Bosh signing with the New York Knicks in 2010. They'll have the money. He'll want the added exposure. Even if Lebron doesn't wind up a knick, I think Bosh will be the next long-necked player to be in a blue and orange non-Thunder jersey since Spreewell. You heard it here first.

Now if you need me, I'll be watching The Two Towers on HD. Goodness, Canada is such a god-forsaken land!

Superman, Krypto-Nate, and Russell "Aquaman" Westbrook

I couldn't think of a fitting superhero name for Russell Westbrook, so "Aquaman" was there for the taking. A "brook" is a stream of water after all...yeah, screw it...I know it's a stretch.

Anyhoo, everyone is talking about my boy Dwight's INSANE 75 foot pre-game shot, which is all the more crazy because it looks like he just flicks it off of his wrist half-heartedly.

Those who aren't talking about Howard are marvelling at Nate Robinson's alley-oop dunk in which he gets about 20 feet off of the floor on his wee little flea legs.

Well, I submit this play into the mix. In the game against the Warriors, Russell Westbrook goes Ron Jeremy by tag-teaming the poor defender in the middle of an off-the-glass-alley-oop-dunk. That's FIVE hyphens, kids!



This collection of videos brought to you by God, in order to remind you to be humble. -Also brought to you by steroids, in case you don't want to be humble.

Graduating From The Charles Barkley School Of Finance

Oh, Stephon Marbury. When faced with an uncertain future, the fact that he is on a team that can't stand him, and the only team that seems mildly interested in him (the Celtics) are still only...well, mildly interested...it's good to know Stephon has his mind completely focused on getting his NBA career back on track:

"At Starbury, consumers do not have to choose between fashion, style, quality, and affordability....They get all four."

Yes, that's right. Our boy Marbury is back working on his shoe/clothing line. Now, apparently he's got rapper Bow Wow working with him too. This makes perfect sense to me, as Marbury's clothing line prides itself on being affordable enough for low-income families to purchase. If there is one person who recognizes the plight of the working man, it's Bow Wow. "Bow Wow" is synonymous with "Thrifty". I mean, it's not like Bow Wow is one to throw his money around on frivolous endeavours.



Oh come on. Like YOU never wagered $100,000 dollars on a game of Madden.

Starbury Contines To Mind-F**k Mike D'Antoni And The Knicks

Lest you forgot, the banished Stephon Marbury is still getting paid over $21 million by the New York Knicks despite the fact he has not worked for a cent of it. And just to rub it in, Marbury decided to get a courtside seat to see his "teammates" play the Lakers the other night in LA. Here's some quotes followed by a translation of what they REALLY meant to say.

Coach Mike D'Antoni: "That's fine. About 19,000 people are going to be there tonight, so if he wants to see a good game, that's great."
TRANSLATION: WTF!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! F**K THIS MOTHERF**KER AND HIS F**KING STUPID TATTOOED HEAD!


Knicks Forward Quentin Richardson: "My thing is, we were here playing the Lakers. I guess he was a face in the crowd. I didn't know he was there."
TRANSLATION: He kept heckling me about Brandy.


Richardson: "I hope he enjoyed it. It was a good game."
TRANSLATION: When can I start making that kind of money without playing?


Marbury: "All I've got to do is get free. Once I get free, the team I'm going to go to, I think a lot of people will be shocked."
TRANSLATION: I am going to form a barnstorming team of exiled players including Darius Miles and JR Rider. If that doesn't work, I think I'm still eligible to get some run at Lincoln High!

Before You Go, Could You Explain This?

Because of the same heart condition that took the lives of Reggie Lewis and Hank Gathers, veteran guard Cuttino Mobley retired yesterday. The condition, hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, was discovered during a physical after Cuttino was traded to the Knicks from the Clippers. Although my statistician decided to take a 3-day weekend, I can say that this is the first time this century that someone is thankful to have been traded to the Knicks. The Howeva Files wishes him good health and success in his next stage of his life.

That being said, we still need an explaination for this:

OK...Now What?

So the much-talked about meeting to settle the Stephon Marbury drama ended up being a complete dud, lasting only 15 minutes until Marbury left. My inside source (my imagination) report it went down like this:

Walsh: Steph, I've thought long and hard about your circumstance on this team and we're willing to make you a buy-out offer. Would you care to hear it?
Marbury: (fingers in ears) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Also according to my source, Megan Fox wants to ride shotgun on my Pegasus to my fortress on the moon to be my moon-slave. He's always on target that source!

The Knicks Have Won Their Second Game...Before January!

Yes, Knicks fans, your team is 2-2 with a win against the Bobcats tonight. I know there have been a decent amount of Knicks-centric posts around here lately, but when a team seems to actually be playing better and they happen to be something in ol' Isiah's wake, it is a MAJOR accomplishment.

The win came despite what can only be a "Quentin Richardson-esque" night from Quentin Richardson, with him shooting 1-9 with 6 turnovers. In my minds eye Q-Rich spent this game attempting to shoot with only his left hand, one eye closed, and Michelle Obama's dress on (ooh a political joke! I'm so topical!)

There are many potential reasons behind this turnaround, but as loyal reader Carrie points out, it all always comes back to Q-Tip:

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1287023185?bclid=1213892171&bctid=1890030605

You can imagine D'Antoni bobbing his head to this as he ignores Stephon Marbury's attempts to bribe him into a game with a pair of his shoes.

Knicks Sign God Shamgod Just To Screw With Marbury Some More

The ongoing soap opera that is the New York Knicks just got steamier as the franchise has doubled its efforts to make their head-tattooing, hometown hero and former all-star point guard, Stephon Marbury, bat-shit crazy by signing God Shamgod.

COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HOOOAH, Knicks president Donnie Walsh explained at a press conference while spitting out a tobacco-ravaged lung on the podium.

Marbury's agent later read a statement explaining that his client despite this latest setback continues to stand by his claim on Mike'd Up that he'll average "like 10 points. Like 12-13 dimes. Like 2-3 assists but he shoots to win because he shoots to win. Kudos to Isiah Thomas!"

Every So Often Politics Interest Me

In choosing a presidential candidate, I look for a few things:

1) Which has the best set of teeth? (Advantage: Obama)

2) Who, if I were to ask, "Could you do me a favor? When you're at the supermarket, pick me up some beef jerky?"...would be a pal and do it? (Advantage: McCain)

3) Who doesn't smell like old cats? (Advantage: Obama)

4) Who wouldn't look at me smugly when I spoke with them, all the time thinking, "I have WAY more money than this guy". Note: They only think they do. (Advantage: Neither)

5) Who has lived a crazy life that was more like a chapter from Motley Crue's biography The Dirt than reality? (Advantage: McCain)

One thing I didn't take into account on previous elections was ability to ball on the court. In this case, Obama might be very well getting my vote. Before you start claiming I'm a New Yorker, so Obama is going to win my damn state so my vote doesn't matter (you are right...it's actually rather pointless to vote this time around), let me tell you about the abilities of Obama on the court: Apparently he is so badass that he has no problem trash talking to NBA players. According to overpaid Knicks player (there is a phrase you hear every two seconds) Chris Duhon:

He would say " 'You can't guard me!' Just random talk," Duhon added. "He knows the game. He's like a point guard out there, and so he's always telling guys where to go, what to do, very vocal."

This is an awesome mental image. Not only the fact that we have a presidential candidate that can play basketball well, but also the fact that he appears to have the knowledge necessary to treat the Knicks like the joke they are. That might have sounded a little harsh, but these are harsh times, sister.

Mayyyyyyyybe This Wasn't Such A Good Idea

Alright! First preseason game! A great chance to check out my draft pick Danilo Gallinari!

He can't play because he has a sore back? Oh...Well, alrighty then.

At least I'll get a chance to see if my attempts to whip Eddy Curry into shape will come to fluition!

What? He has a mysterious bacterial infection? What does that even mean? Does he have a cold? Is it lupus?

Well, to hell with them. I'll get to check out some of role players and figure out how to shape the bench on this squad. HERE! WE! GO!

Is this the injury report you're handing to me? Let's see....okay what the HELL. Allan Houston, Jerome James AND Jared Jeffries can't dress tonight? Who do I have to give a rub down to get some personal trainer help around here? I mean sheeeeeeyit!

Mustn't...get...down. This town will swallow you alive if you show that you are upset. Stay strong, D'Antoni. Stay strong. (Looks in a pocket mirror, strokes moustache, and kisses at the reflection). There, all better.

Let's go team! Game time! ...God help us all.

(The Knicks lose to the Raptors. Chris Duhon, the Knicks' highly paid free agent acquisition shoots 1-7, and has 7 turnovers. Chris Bosh goes off for 20 points in 25 minutes. Mike D'Antoni spends the night of his first preseason game as Knicks coach with his wife, staring at the ceiling and wondering if he can somehow gracefully bow out of this job and enter the world of high-stakes popcorn sales)

Darko To Knicks: I Am Ready To Be Your Victory Cigar

Wow...upon further inspection that title sounds really dirty.

Darko wants to be a Knick, going as far as to say that he is 99% sure that he will be dealt there. Must be a incredibly strong 1% chance for the trade to not happen yet, but I digress.

As a person who was able to watch their team (the Magic) get their hopes up with the arrival of the big galoot, I will say this: Do not get your hopes up with the arrival of this big galoot. He sucks. It's not for lack of trying........well........yeah, actually it IS for lack of trying. Darko has all of the physical skills necessary to become a premier center in the NBA, but he doesn't seem to want to put forth any of the work needed to become one. He lazily goes up for rebounds, does not hustle up and down the court, and as a result often gets lost in games. Olowokandi and Darko would have fantastic gym workout sessions, punctuated by looking at the ceiling and trips to the water fountain and back.

Wow, to be a Knicks fan in this day and age. It's like a nonstop donkey punch to the nuts. Just envisioning Walt Frazier trying to sound interested as he says, "Danilo to Darko" is enough to make anyone wearing blue and orange hurl themselves off a bridge.

Chicago? New York? Really?

Mark Stein has been all over this ride that Mike D'Antoni has taken on the coaching carousel. Given how the window of opportunity for a championship closed last year, a move out of Phoenix makes sense, but really? Chicago? New York? Does he realize that he's getting essentially the same general manager in John Paxon that he had in Phoenix and that Donnie Walsh looks like Paul Bearer (Endless thanks to The Sports Hernia for the pic)? Did he notice that he'll be giving up his ultimate tempo pusher, Steve Nash, and only getting Starbury or Kirk Hinrich in return?

Given that Don Nelson completely gave up on his team this year and that he's wavering on coming back, couldn't D'Antoni step in and provide a more consistent (aka reasonably sane/sober) presence on the Golden State bench? Baron Davis, when healthy, is a top 5 point guard and they've got a deep young bench that was left under-utilized by Nellie.

There's been no offer yet by either team since he's looking for Skiles-money, so there's still time for Chris Mullin to make up Nellie's mind for him.
(Actually, Hinrich does come complete with his hot wife [on the right], so maybe it's a lateral move after all...)

Isiah OUT?! America Mourns The Loss Of The World's Easiest Punchline

'Tis a sad day, my friends.

In the same week that we lost Antawn Jamison's nuts, it is announced that Isiah Thomas is out as Knicks head coach. We thought that Isiah and cockroaches were the only things with the abilities to withstand a nuclear holocaust, but now we realize we were all incorrect. So very incorrect.

Gone is that smiling face that calmly told reporters that the 10 game losing streaks were simply "rough patches".

Gone is the man whose each and every move (yes...INCLUDING Zach Randolph) could immediately be laughed about and watched with glee as it spontaneously combusted before everyone's eyes.

Gone is what I often referred to as "the great failsafe" on slow news days in the NBA. You could always count on Isiah to somehow make a quiet day interesting. No longer can I fast forward through Knicks games with the Benny Hill theme playing.

Here in New York, to say they're dancing in the streets is an understatement. On the flipside, for anyone who enjoys making fun of the hijinks in the NBA it's the equivalent of losing a dear, beloved friend.

Goodnight, sweet prince. Fly high on wings of inflated contracts.