The White Guy Report: Who Wants Another One?

According to the Seattle Times, the Supersonics have been shopping point guard, Luke Ridnour, around to teams that might be in need of a floor general that can become a key piece "to a championship puzzle."

I had no idea that a guy who shares his time with Earl Watson can be so highly regarded. And wasn't Ridnour invited to compete for a spot on the Olympic team only to be beat out by Kirk Hinrich, who has been shooting a scorching 39% from the field this year?

So who's got the guts to show that they really think they're another white guy away from a championship? Indy is a strong choice considering their massive trade last year to score all-time whiteys Mike Dunleavy and Troy Murphy, but I can't see Larry Legend buying into this "Pacers are world champs" BS.

My choice is Phoenix. They don't mind mortgaging the future when it comes to trades and they still sorely need a backup to Steve Nash that's not named Marcus Banks. With two first round picks and four in the second for the upcoming draft, I have no clue what the hell Seattle can possibly ask for in return. Maybe if its for a time machine to go back and never choose Robert Swift.

THF Enjoyable Video Of The Day: Dunk Of A Lifetime

Rarely do I watch a video on Youtube and have it stick with me. Youtube, Google Video, Myspace Video...they're all so jam packed of silly junk and morons singing along to asian dance videos that about 98% of the videos on them have become completely useless.

Well, I was very happy to watch a gem one day.

I am a Lithuanian gentleman and enjoy checking out what is up with the national team from time to time. Particularly, I am eternally on the lookout for footage from the greatest basketball game I have ever seen live: the triple overtime Lithuania vs. Croatia game in the 1996 Summer Olympics (Lithuania won, used the game to go on to win the bronze medal, and subsequently became a basketball powerhouse afterwards). Toss in the fact that that team was sponsored by the Grateful Dead and had cool skulls all over their merchandise, and I was in heaven.

Anyhoo, bored and on Youtube, I happened to type in "Lithuanian basketball" to see what would pop up.

What would follow is the video that enters my mind (and will FOREVER enter my mind) whenever anyone mentions "Slam Dunk Contest". Officially THE best dunk of all time.

Paulius Parachomikas (pictured left), in an oldie but a goodie.

Enjoy:

Celtics-Pistons Eastern Conference Finals Preview: January Edition

This week, whenever any annoying NBA fans say, "When did the Celtics play the Pistons? When did Boston play Detroit? When will they face off in an Eastern Conference preview?" You can stop their nonstop questions with a loud, "OVER THE WEEKEND, YOU STUPID BITCH!"

Please consult this video for proper delivery and inflection: http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/1461.html

Yes, the Celtics and Pistons did indeed square off this past weekend, with the Celtics winning 92-85. Big Baby Davis, our surefire sign that the Celtics are practicing witchcraft, lit up the Pistons for 20 points in 22 minutes and momentarily reminded America that that LSU team existed (sorry, Tyrus Thomas...you're not exactly pulling your weight in that area).

So with the Celtics winning this past game and the Pistons winning the first, what does it mean in the grand scheme of things?

Well, that I guess it shows that it will be a fun Eastern Conference finals. At this point, those two teams are MILES ahead of any other team in the East, and unless Stan Van Gundy strips down, covers himself with baby oil, and takes the court with the Magic, there is no other real challenger (sorry, Bucks fans.)

This leads us to an interesting mindset that many NBA Eastern Conference fans will soon adopt. To have their team in the Finals this year, there simply needs to be some sort of injury to one of the big three on Boston and/or one of the big 4 on Detroit. This idea was first mentioned on Kissing Suzy Kolber, where the great minds over there were blatantly wishing for an injury to Tom Brady so their team could have a fighting chance. Well, now that same idea applies to that other Boston powerhouse. -And THIS team has Leprechauns on its side!

What makes the new-look monster Celtics hard to stomach is that, unlike the Patriots, the Celtics aren't really a team of cocky villains. This makes wishing for injuries a tough moral dilemma. Most people like Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce (albeit cocky) isn't too bad either. There is no supermodel-banging, trash-talking, posing in a Brokeback Mountain fashion (see left) Tom Brady on this team. Doc Rivers is substantially nicer than the cameraman-tossing, handshake-denying, blatantly-cheating Bill Belichick. Randy Moss would probably beat up little tykes like Rajon Rondo. They're just not evil enough yet.

As for the Pistons? Well, they've already won a title and as of now aren't taking my suggestions to make them more watchable, so they're on their own.

For now, let's all keep our heads cool and enjoy these Celtics and Pistons teams until Chris Webber formally joins them or Bill Simmons ruins them with nonstop praise.

As soon as either of those things happen, run for the hills Flip Saunders, because the nation will have Jeff Gillooly's cell phone ringing.

Finding Ways To Make The Pistons Watchable Again

First off, thanks to True Hoop for the mentioning us the other day. TH (not to be confused with THF) one of the best sites out there, ladies and gents. Check it out.
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Look at that photo above. Even Flip seems bored by his team these days.

The Detroit Pistons are doing something impressive: They're so HIDEOUSLY difficult to watch that barely anyone even realizes they have an 11 game win streak.

The Celtics, the Blazers...heck, even the boring ol' Spurs have been mentioned a ton this season as teams hot out of the gate, but you'd have to bribe someone to spend more than 5 minutes talking about the Pistons. It's not that they have boring players (Crazy Rasheed Wallace and all-emaciated team member Tayshaun Prince on the same team? That's must-see-tv). It's not that they have a boring coach (Flip Saunders a.k.a Sleepy Dwarf is the perennial loser in the playoffs that everyone is sorta hoping actually does something right). It's just that their brand of team ball and emphasis of fundamentals make them look more like a well-coached AAU team than an NBA squad that could wow audiences with dunks and theatrics.

With this in mind, I have a few suggestions for the Pistons to get their media coverage back on track:

1) Unleash the Sheed - The Pistons were never more of a subject of discussion than when Rasheed Wallace was going nuts and headbutting officials. You couldn't keep them off of Sportscenter on a given day. I say the Detroit PR people throw a few pills in Sheed's gatorade and watch him crack open another person's jaw like King Kong did to that dinosaur.

2) Decorate the masks Rip Hamilton wears - Normal Richard Hamilton? A clear plastic mask that sorta makes him look like a burn victim. Bo-ring. Richard Hamilton with a V for Vendetta mask? Instant ratings...and ridiculously overhyped ratings (You guys really thought that was a good movie? I mean really?).

3) Shoot Chris Webber at center court and turn him into glue - His knees are shot. His ability to perform at top speeds is long gone. He is no longer a promising mate (Tyra wouldn't even glance at him, even though she is chunky). It's time he joins Barbaro.

4) Go back to the ugly-ass teal and red horsie logo - Team zaniness starts at the logo (Bobcats, Hornets, Grizzlies anyone?) and I'm sorry but that red basketball just screams apathy. That last sentence is best read in a Project Runway Tim Gunn voice.

5) Move home games to the streets of Detroit - Kinda tough to be boring when you are dodging thrown bricks and "ability to loot electronics shops" is part of your rookie bio. There is also the outside chance mustard-shirt-stained Matt Millen will be seen, which is as big as celebrity sightings get.

Well...that's all I got. Detroit Pistons, heed my advice and make some changes, and maybe YOU'LL be lucky enough to be on the front page of the newspaper! -You know, until Kobe starts whining again.

No Equal Trade Value For Artest, Isiah? To The Balk-Mobile!

Ron Artest, the Knicks-iest player to NOT be on the Knicks, is coveted by that very same pants-monickered team. This we know.

In addition to this, we've already known not only that Artest wants to play in his hometown, but that he also that he enjoys pointing out repeatedly that he respects Isiah Thomas (it has to be the popcorn at this point).

Why, OH WHY can't they get a deal done and send Ron-Ron to his fate in orange and blue? It would make this already hilarious team even funnier, and at this point the Knicks are obviously targeting "headline humor level" when contacting other players.

Well, one educated guess would be that the Knicks have almost no one of any value that any other team could possibly want at this point besides David Lee, and they don't want to deal him. Even Zach Randolph, usually a monster when given the ball enough times, seems to have been engulfed by the Knick's career draining disease (affectionately called 'Dolan-itis').

So what do you offer to another team when you have little to nothing to offer?

Hint: He is the one doing "Blue Steel" in the picture above.

That's right ladies and gents.....................the Knicks are ready to deal their savior.

The Sacramento Bee, our favorite newspaper for Maloof hijinks and "We got Stan Van Gundy" gun-jumping headlines, is reporting that the Knicks are now willing to deal Renaldo Balkman in an attempt to get Artest.

-The same Balkman that everyone passed on in the draft and caused the boos to rain down from Madison Square Garden when the Knicks drafted him.

-The same Balkman that Isiah Thomas defended by saying the Suns were targeting him in the draft, only to have the Suns laugh that they had never heard of him.

-The same Balkman that everyone raised eyebrows at for a while with some decent play, only to see him return to earth and get buried on the Knicks bench this year. He is currently earning about 2-8 minutes a night (When Wilson Chandler gets more minutes a night than you, your career is not goin in the right direction).

Well, you know what the Kings' brass must be thinking: "Our Best Player For Balkman? SIGN US UP!"

Anything less would be uncivilized. Please get this deal done.

On a side note, a Balkman for Artest deal would not only cause the mass suicide of Kings fans who are clinging to that last shred of hope, but it would also result in behemoth bonuses for MSG security guards. We're also pretty sure it's in Revelations in the Bible somewhere as the seventh seal.

Rantin' John: Pippen & Mr. Submarine

Few people can provide good basketball commentary like our good friend Rantin' John, longtime friend of the THF crew.

I've often thought that if Rantin' John and Gordon Ramsey were in a room together, you would see Gordon crying hysterically as John yelled at him that "THE RISOTTO IS UNDERCOOKED!" and "THE WELLINGTON IS RAWWWW!" You just can't hold a candle to him.

Intros really do nothing though. Take it away, R.J...

-Black and Blue Jor
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A new year, same old shit.

However this has brightened my outlook in ways unimaginable:


There are a couple things I love about this. First, the laughably bad production values and line reading. Second, the wholly unsubtle gigantic phallus-shaped submarine sandwich with all its dripping lustful innuendo. "This is one 6-footer (sic. this giant fucking dick) I can't handle one on one, come on girls, let's have a party"....with the clear implication that this impromptu meeting on the b-ball court will blossom into a three-way orgy interspersed with grade-F sliced delicatessen cold cuts.

Then to follow all that up with an image of Pip and the ladies eating sandwiches on the floor mid-court.....amazing.

And I can't even put into words the end, where Scottie Pippen, easily one of the greatest players of the 90's DUNKS a submarine sandwich.

How can you top that?

Oh yeah, by including an inexplicable "payment due" card being put on a desk from a following commercial, as if to highlight all of Pippen's horribly misguided financial dealings over the years, including this wonderful commercial.

Welcome To 2008...You Feel Like Balls, Don't You?

New Year's Day, or "Hangover Day" as it is called in most circles, is upon us.

The NBA wisely does not have any games scheduled today because they know the bright lights and loud noises would anger most of America. That "sneaker-against-the-floor-squeak" sound probably drove one too many people to change the channel. I personally use the words of Hubie Brown as hangover medicine, but that's just me.

As we pop the advil bottle open, let's all do a silent nod to the fact that there actually was some basketball played last night:

-Orlando beat Chicago in overtime thanks a winning shot from the superhero known as "Turkoglu". Those people that bet Turk would look like a sure All Star this season are smarter than you or I, my friend. They also do not exist.

-Portland's 13 game winning streak was snapped against Utah, meaning they won every game in the month of December except the first and last one. No Greg Oden, ladies and gents. Scary.

-Toronto, looking good on and off these days, rallied to beat the New Orleans Hornets last night. Chris Bosh, who started off the year pretty slow, is once again terrorizing opponents. Watch out, ladies who like long necks, your heartthrob is back.

-As soon as Don Nelson got thrown out of the game, the Warriors rallied and beat the Houston Rockets. Nelson (pusher of the wine seen if you scroll to the bottom of our site) is so popular amongst his players that they said afterwards that they were inspired by his outburst. I think they were just defending the guy who was throwing the best New Year's party later.

That's about it as far as the good games go. Detroit destroyed the Bucks and other stuff happened, but you probably already left your computer to go back to bed at this point. Best of luck with your hangovers, America!

Damn, Jager...