Entire Game 3 Played Within World's Largest Shower Curtain

In a stunning move in hopes of deflecting the negative press from the new Tim Donaghy allegations, David Stern ordered that the entirety of Game 3 be played in the world's largest shower curtain. Since this Celtics-Lakers match-up has stirred up pleasant memories of finals past, the league concluded that it would just be better if a three hour montage was projected onto massive sheets of mildew-resistant artificial fabrics.

"We banked this entirely on the hypotheses that the die-hard fans would get caught up in the montage and that the fair-weather fans would get distracted by all the celebs in the audience so no one would think that a fixed game was being played," NBA deputy commissioner Adam Silver explained.

Donaghy, the disgraced former referee who has admitted to passing along inside information, betting on NBA games, and made calls to affect the point spread, claimed that an NBA official instructed referees to call fouls tighter, on who's been deduced as Yao Ming in his 2005 playoff match-up against the Dallas Mavericks. At the time, Houston coach Jeff Van Gundy was fined $100K for claiming that an NBA official told him that the NBA would more closely monitor Yao's moving screens.

After being supported by Donaghy's allegations, the bald Van Gundy allegedly reached a deal with the league that he would receive Andy Garcia's hair in lieu of being repaid the hundred grand.

Oh, and apparently the Lakers won 87-81 behind Kobe Bryant's 36 points, which no one saw.

The World Wants More Sasha

Of all of the players in the Celtics-Lakers Finals, the guy who I am constantly looking at and wishing I knew more about is Sasha Vujacic. With his bizarre feminine headband, plastered down hair, and sweet 3 point shooting streak, he seems like quite a character. My favorite aspect of him is that he seems to shoot whenever the ball touches his hands, which is high comedy for the sheer amount of times cameras pan to Kobe sneering and shaking his head. There's only room for ONE selfish player on this team, says King Kobe-ra!

Speaking of Sasha shooting a lot, kudos to Lakers-Fan.com for this Sasha "The Machine" video blog goodness. Way too much effort went into making this, but it was worth every drop of sweat and hair grease:

Paul Pierce Used to Be Sad; Signs Now Point to Glad

So this happened last night. Apparently Paul Pierce blew his knee out. Sprained meniscus was the word. But suddenly, taking a page out of Penny Marshall's book (insert Awakenings joke here), Paul Pierce wasn't hurt anymore. Did he realize that he looked like a sissy on national television (insert Dwayne Wade cry pic here)? Was it Brian "Mix-Tape Assassin" Scalabrine's breath? No, it was neither of these. The answer is, Christ loves Boston sports and saved Paul Pierce.

I know I know, I sound ridiculous, but I think it's true. I've read enough Bill Simmons to have seen this apocalypse coming. I don't know about you guys, but this Finals has been tough to sink my teeth into; sure I predicted this outcome, but do I like either of these teams? Sure don't. Are any of my NBA man-crushes participating? Sure aren't. So after simultaneously celebrating my wedding anniversary and Jor's foray into matrimonial bliss on Florida's gulf coast,
I wasn't particularly psyched about going back to everyday life, which included this seven game series. Either way, it's still going on and Boston still won last night, and Paul Pierce may be the reason for that.

After getting smashed by his own teammate (Kendrick don't!!!), collapsing to the ground, and hearing something pop, Pierce had to be carried off the floor by Brian Scalabrine (G.O.A.T.) and Tony Allen and taken out back for a Derby Salute, when Jesus touched his face and said,

"It's ok Paul, go back out there and win it for me."

Then Up Where We Belong started playing and Pierce scored 11 of his 22 points while running the Boston Marathon, and ghost writing fresh rhymes for B-Scala. And then he did it; He won it for Jesus. Seriously though, the Big Three made their presence known by scoring 65 of Boston's total 98 points (Garnett 24, Pierce 22, Allen 19). Rajon Rondo put together a nice game as well, finishing with 15 points, 5 rebounds, and 7 assists. On the Lakers' side, the usual suspects played some basketball as Kobe finished with 24 points and 6 assists, D-Fish had 15 points and 6 assists, Lamar Odom had 14 points and 6 rebounds, and Pau Gasol had 15 points, 8 rebounds, and 4 assists. The Lakeshow definitely suffered from their lack of dance, as Ronny Turiaf was depressed.

So in summary, Round 1 goes to the Celts. I still stand behind my dish and say L.A.'s going to get on Kobe's shoulders and take this series. Don't be surprised next holiday season when you're looking at a nativity scene, and you notice one of the three wise men is wearing a green headband, a number 34 jersey, and throwing gang signs; Jesus loves Paul Pierce. Oh and congratulations NBA, I care now.

Celtics-Lakers To-NITE!/Remembering Larry

The Lakers take on their arch rivals tonight in a slobberknocker of epic proportions. Growing up an enormous Larry Bird fan, I have to side with the Celtics here. This will no doubt screw me in the future when I inevitably move to Los Angeles to continue my work in television, upon which I am immediately pelted with purple and yellow painted rocks.

To the credit of David Stern and the refs who did everything possible to ensure this series would happen, I have been very nostalgic of the Lakers-Celts games of old lately and it has been making me excited. Specifically, I took a look back at "Larry Legend's" highlights over the past few days, and remember why I spent many a late night in grade school reading "Drive".

Take a look at this guy at work...he's not mortal:




We American-born white guys need another Larry Bird/John Stockton figure to remind our youths that they actually might have a chance to play in the NBA one day. For now, when I have a son I will be sure to sit him in front of these highlights to remind him that dorky white guys with blonde moustaches and short shorts actually CAN rock everyone's socks off.

Kobe Speaks-a like-a Mario!

We all know Kobe is a man of the world, but who knew he was so fluent in the language of love?



Translation:

Italian Interviewer: Kobe, you speak the language of love...what says "romance" for you?

Kobe: A splooge-covered t-shirt, delivered by way of 'toss to the face'.

Italian Interviewer: Any resolutions for if you win the title this year?

Kobe: Curtail parking lot rants against Andrew Bynum. Do more about Jordan Farmar.

Italian Interviewer: What is the best thing you ever did in your travels through Italy?

Kobe: Jumping over a "Smart Car".

We may play this backwards and and realize he was saying "Paul is dead" over and over again like a Beatles record, but for now he sounds pretty damn worldly. It takes a lot for me to admit Kobe is anything other than an egomaniac, but speaking in Italian to a reporter? Pretty pimp.

Surprise Central! Grizzlies Owner Admits That Whole "Gasol For Kwame" Thing Might Have Been A Mistake!

With the Lakers about to do battle with the Celts in the finals, one can't help but look back at this past season and the most important player on the Lakers.

Kobe Bryant? No, not him.

I'm actually talking about the Memphis Grizzlies. The doof that was presiding over the mess was owner Michael Heisley, but I prefer to him as "that owner who had to be drinking on the job".

The Grizzlies, of course, were the moronic team responsible for sending Pau Gasol to the Lakers for the pile of gold known as Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittenden, two LAAAATE first round picks, a ball of pocket lint, and a 1987 edition of TV Guide. Everyone in the NBA was up in arms, especially one particular Spurs head coach who wound up losing in the playoffs because of that same ridiculous trade. It was highway robbery that made Bonnie and Clyde shake their heads (well...they would have if they were alive...you get the point).

Well, I guess the "denial" stage is over for Heisley and with the Lakers OBVIOUSLY becoming a potential dynasty out of the deal, he has moved on to "acceptance". Heisley has recently admitted, and I quote:

“I don’t know if I got the most value,” Heisley confessed. “Maybe our people should’ve shopped (Gasol) more and maybe we would’ve gotten more, done a better deal. Maybe Chris did call every team in the league. I don’t think he did, but maybe he should’ve…”

Doesn't a quote like this inspire you, Grizzly fans? You have the owner of your team saying that the trade that sent the most important and gifted player in your team's history (if you don't count Big Country Reeves) most likely wasn't really all that thought out. He also confesses in that beautiful quote to not really knowing if they did all of their homework. Ahem...shouldn't that be the ONE question you ask before your team does the deal? "Did you guys check with everyone and this is the absolute BEST we could do? Kwame friggin Brown?"

The best part of all of this is that the team turned DOWN the Bulls' trade offer, which included a comparable cornucopia of talent in Andres Nocioni, Tyrus Thoms, Joakim Noah, Thabo Sefalosha, Adrian Griffin, and draft picks. Yes, ladies and gents...they looked at that offer and said, "Nahhhhh...I think we really want to roll the dice with Kwame Brown on this one. Thanks anyways, guys."

I have to stop typing here before I get to emotionally drained from analyzing this whole thing, and I'm not even a Grizzly or Spurs fan. (soaks head in a bucket of ice)

Killing Time Before The Championship Begins

The collective world of the NBA is twiddling its fingers tonight, with players and teams not wanting to make any important announcements lest they be forgotten the moment the NBA Finals begin. It's time like these, with a great rivalry like the Lakers and Celtics about to take shape once again, that we look back and take stock of the great NBA rivalries from years past.

-Magic Johnson vs. Larry Bird

-Rudy Tomjanovich vs. Kermit Washington's Fist

-Rick Mahorn vs. Manute Bol.......



Sigh...watching that video makes me really miss the 80s. Everything was so blissfully contrived. Not only do they tell Bol to act surprised (great acting job, Manute), they cut to a second, closer camera to show the expression on Rick Mahorn's face. Throw in the shticky music after the surprise and the fact that this so obviously filmed on a television set (notice the incredibly believable "club room" sign on the door when they show Manute Bol) and you have sheer nostalgic bliss.