NBA Still Hungover From The Finals

After a wonderful playoffs, the NBA is still in relative slumber mode. Sure, there is plenty of trade and draft talk, but that's all it really is at this point. It's still too early to see any of the million and one rumored trade ideas floating around the league actually going down, and despite what you might hear, the Bulls and Heat will end up staying in their draft positions and draft Rose and Beasley.

Rather than spend any useless effort on foolish rumor discussions that won't come to fluition, let's turn our attention to more pressing matters...namely...

DAVID STERN GETTING HIT ON BY THIS SCARY LOOKING WOMAN!



After watching that a few times I think I need to read something before I go to sleep, lest that woman's "sticking her tongue out" face haunt my dreams.

This Jail Cell Is Wicked Ah-Some!

Boston police arrested 22 Celtics fans for getting a little too carried away with their celebrations last night. These folks bashed in store windows, tried (but failed) at overturning cars, and staged what Detroit residents can only be described as a "poor man's riot". I don't know exactly how poor men riot, but my guess is it involves throwing feces.

The city of Boston threw these guys in jail, and then the mayor came out and (in true mayorly fashion) called them "punks". He also encouraged tough penalties to be brought down upon them once they were brought to trial.

The thought of a bunch of Celtics fans in jail, getting stared at by 300+ pound prisoners is quite an interesting one. The conversations must go like this:

Boston fan: "Um...sir. Why are you looking at me and licking your lips?"

Prisoner: "You look like you need some lovin'."

Boston fan: "No. No I really, really don't."

Prisoner: "Then why's that fancy man on your shirt winkin' at me?"

Boston fan: "You mean my Celtics logo?" (Fan is knocked unconscious and dragged to a corner of the cell for lovemaking sessions with Bubba)

CELTICS WIN! Eli Manning The Only Thing Standing Between Boston Championship Trifecta

The Celtics demolished the Lakers tonight, winning their 17th NBA title and thus concluding what has been a very fun NBA season.

Congrats to Boston sports fans out there. For tonight America will momentarily suspend its complete hatred of you, as your city seems to win everything lately. It's only amount of time before the Bruins win an unprecidented 18 Stanley Cups in a row (they're filming the other team's defensive signals).

Suddenly that dream I had about Brian Scalabrine and Big Baby riding a victory parade float all makes sense.

With the conclusion of the NBA season, we usher in arguably the most funny and ridiculous part of the NBA...the offseason! I can't wait to see who JR Smith accidentally kills!

Turiaf Knows How To Win This Series

The Lakers hopped back into making it a respectable series with a win last night.  The series is now 3-2 as it heads back to Boston, by no means over but still likely to be a Celtics championship.

How did the Lakers finally win, suppressing what was almost another comeback (this time down 18) by the Celtics?  Was it heart?  Was it brains?  Was it splooge-covered towels, Kobe?

Well...not sure if they were splooge-covered...BUT IT WAS INDEED TOWELS!

Specifically, Lakers player Ronny Turiaf throwing them to an assistant during the Celtics free throws in order to distract them.  Everyone knows that towel throwing is the key to knocking Paul Pierce's game off, since he almost had suffocated as a child under a big towel (Note: I have no factual evidence to back this up).

Anyhoo, here's the video clip.  Enjoy:

Pat Riley Announces Return To Coaching/Poaching Championships

After less than two months into what many thought was a final retirement from coaching, Hall of Famer Pat Riley announced his return to the sideline Saturday to relieve Boston Celtics coach, Doc Rivers, of his duties.

"Doc's done a terrific job on this journey to a championship, but it's time that a true legend 'roll the station wagon into the driveway' so to speak" Riley stated to a packed room in downtown Los Angeles.

Rivers was not present at the press conference, but had a written statement read aloud by Riley. "This season has had it's rewards. I'll remember fondly getting within one game of my first championship, but it just feels right that I take time off to spend some more time with my darling family. Maybe I'll return to coaching as soon as Riley is done poaching, but until then I'll be happy not winning championships."

Sasha No Like Touchy

The Lakers are one loss away from their season ending, and with this knowledge in mind there is a good chance the team is in a bit of a bitter mood tonight.

My suggestion for comforting them? Put a sympathetic hand on their shoulder and tell them it's going to be okay. Sasha Vujacic, for instance, appears to find much comfort in this:



To be fair, I do the same thing when anyone touches my shoulder. I'm no piece of meat, ladies.

Lakers On The Brink Of Oblivion

With the Celtics win tonight, overcoming a 26 point defecit, the Lakers are one win away from NBA Finals death. This means we are also one win away from actually uttering the phrase, "Big Baby...NBA Champion."

In case Kobe and company need some suggestions on the best possible way to die, here are some good ones: