Chris Kaman Calls Out The Mavs

It's rough to be an NBA team in this "win now" culture. -It's even tougher when you have some beastly creature calling you out.

That's right, your and my favorite supermodel Chris Kaman just told the Mavericks that their team isn't among the elite. To further stir the pot, Kaman claims that Dirk Nowitzki said he doesn't believe in the Mavs either. I am quite shocked at this whole development. -Not because the Mavs are being labelled an also-ran, but because this means that Kaman speaks. I always assumed him a quiet destructive force, like Frankenstein.

Normally, I would feign disinterest in this whole matter, but the Mavs are friend of the site Rick Carlisle's now. This throws any open mind I would have on a matter completely out of the window and almost makes me offended that anyone would question Rick's coaching. I would run into a burning building if Rick were inside and in trouble, for crissakes! (Note: I would not do this.) He's my BOY!

Eh, to tell the truth, I won't even have to do anything. Rick Carlisle is like Chuck Norris and the Bounty Paper Towel Guy all rolled into one, but with more firepower. Once you besmirch his name, you just open yourself a world of hurt. Nice knowing you, Kaman.

RICK SMASH!!!!

Wow...What A Completely Unscripted Youtube Moment.

By now a lot of you have seen the video with Carmelo Anthony cutting his hair because he lost a video game.  For those of you that haven't, here ya go:

I work in television, so I'm used to getting a lot of crap put in front of my face on a daily basis, and I can say that this is easily one of the most contrived and premeditated videos I've seen in a long time.  Carmelo has his hair out of its dreds while playing, seemingly ready for a haircut JUST IN CASE.  Also, and I suppose this is a smidgeon obvious, they had someone filming the damn thing with what looks like a pretty quality camera...just, you know, IN CASE he lost.  Furthermore, with female guest appearances and an amazingly clean apartment for a "Don't Snitch" young guy, this thing may as well have been shot on a sound stage.  I kept waiting for a boom mike to fall in from the top of the screen.

This, my dear friends, is one of the few shortcomings of Youtube.  Along with that annoying "Kobe jumping over a car" clip, people are starting to use the site as a means to put up "candid" videos that really just are put out by their PR people.  For the most part this sucks, so I call upon the NBA PR folks and agents to start putting out some FUNNY contrived Youtube clips.

My idea: Andrei Kirilenko doing a "complete spontaneous" lumberjack competition with fireworks and supermodels.  -And that idea is pro-bono, folks.  The rest will cost ya.

Happy 1000th Win, Gramps!

Jerry Sloan, the guy I REPEATEDLY pick to win coach of the year (and never does), just got his 1,000th win tonight. This makes me very happy as Jerry Sloan acts a lot like a kind grandfather-type guy to the press, and you almost want to give him a hug, a cardigan, and a bag of Werther's Original Butterscotch Candies.

I'm sure to his players he is a foul-mouthed, tempermental coach who is great at Xs and Os and doesn't really have much patience when it comes to mistakes, but who cares? At least on camera he sounds like something grandma would pat affectionately on the shoulder:




Listen to those good-natured chuckles. Someone get this guy a "my grandchildren love me" t-shirt, because dammit...we do.

Chicago Advances to Second Round of NBA Hair Championship

Overshadowing the individual efforts of Amare Stoudamire and Tony Parker last night was the Showdown of Chevelure between the Chicago Bulls and Cleveland Cavaliers. After both Joakim Noah and Anderson Varejao were carried off in a stretcher early in the third quarter when their locks got tangled together, Drew Gooden's mutton chops and wormy goatee took over and closed out the squad from the Mistake By The Lake.

The Knicks Have Won Their Second Game...Before January!

Yes, Knicks fans, your team is 2-2 with a win against the Bobcats tonight. I know there have been a decent amount of Knicks-centric posts around here lately, but when a team seems to actually be playing better and they happen to be something in ol' Isiah's wake, it is a MAJOR accomplishment.

The win came despite what can only be a "Quentin Richardson-esque" night from Quentin Richardson, with him shooting 1-9 with 6 turnovers. In my minds eye Q-Rich spent this game attempting to shoot with only his left hand, one eye closed, and Michelle Obama's dress on (ooh a political joke! I'm so topical!)

There are many potential reasons behind this turnaround, but as loyal reader Carrie points out, it all always comes back to Q-Tip:

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1287023185?bclid=1213892171&bctid=1890030605

You can imagine D'Antoni bobbing his head to this as he ignores Stephon Marbury's attempts to bribe him into a game with a pair of his shoes.

Knicks Sign God Shamgod Just To Screw With Marbury Some More

The ongoing soap opera that is the New York Knicks just got steamier as the franchise has doubled its efforts to make their head-tattooing, hometown hero and former all-star point guard, Stephon Marbury, bat-shit crazy by signing God Shamgod.

COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HOOOAH, Knicks president Donnie Walsh explained at a press conference while spitting out a tobacco-ravaged lung on the podium.

Marbury's agent later read a statement explaining that his client despite this latest setback continues to stand by his claim on Mike'd Up that he'll average "like 10 points. Like 12-13 dimes. Like 2-3 assists but he shoots to win because he shoots to win. Kudos to Isiah Thomas!"

How To Crapify Your Teams 101

Unless you are hiding under a rock (my apologies to Malcolm X, whom plymouth rock landed upon), you've heard that the Pistons and Nuggets struck a deal today. Yeppers, Allen Iverson is going to Detroit in exchange for Chauncey Billups, Antonio McDyess, and prospect Cheikh Samb. On a side note, Cheikh Samb is totally what I'm naming my first born child.

A lot of people are scratching their heads at this trade, wondering exactly how it will benefit either squad. Tonight, The Howeva Files proudly grades this trade by explaining precisely how it will help both teams: It won't.

Denver Nuggets grade: D

Despite getting some depth here in McDyess, the Nuggets just gave away their top scorer. Billups is great for assists, but who will Melo look to to bail his ass out points-wise when he decides to start clunking bricks off of the backboard? Better start lifting some weights, Anthony Carter.

To make matters worse, Denver fans are really losing faith in this Nuggets team and taking away the star power of Iverson in exchange for two lesser knowns will hit the ticket office. -Not at first, but eventually. Cue George Karl wearing a midriff with a blonde wig to get some publicity.

Detroit Pistons grade: F

I reeeeeeeally have to apologize in advance for this easy analogy, but like a car the Pistons have operated the past few years as a fine oiled machine. Every player fills his niche, which powers the engine to keep pounding out wins. Now they have disrupted the whole thing by chucking a big scorer on a team that spreads the wealth and prides itself on playing turnover-free basketball. You can almost see Flip Saunders laughing and blowing cigar smoke rings in the air between shifts of cleaning the aisles in a movie theater.

To make matters worse, McDyess is one of those guys who quietly contributes when you need him to. You can't have too many bench guys like that, and that will be felt when Rasheed decides to start bashing skulls when his adrenaline runs wild in the playoffs. You could tell that Joe Dumars was feeling some pressure to shake things up, and this was his best option. He should just thank his lucky stars no one had Stephon Marbury in any sort of deal or we'd have Skip Bayless trying to defend the poop end of THAT deal.

Both teams will make the playoffs, and like most teams that shake things up they both will experience success early, but over time this deal will find a way to make solid (or in the case of Denver- shaky) formulas worse. I just hope I'm there when Sheed realizes this and tears Iverson's head from his body. -If for nothing else to hear Marv Albert wax nostalgic about his bedroom proclivities.