Lebron Is That Moustached Monopoly Guy

Forbes Magazine released its list of top-earning young sports figures and Lebron James was squarely at the top. He earned 27 million dollars in one year's time, a figure that makes even the richest person do a little nod of appreciation before going back to banging the chambermaid.

While some people might be surprised that an NBA star tops this list considering all of the money floating around in other sports, consider the other names on the list:

#2) Reggie Bush: A guy who is all hype and no power. Every sports media outlet in America right now is debating how a guy with so much promise could produce such meager numbers in the NFL. He also has that whole "parents are douchebags and he might lose his collegiate awards" thing to deal with.

#3) Maria Sharapova: The leggy blonde who was once upon a time really, really hot, but then got big enough to actually have the camera zoom in on her and reveal a somewhat attractive girl. She also has THE most monotone, zombie-esque voice in the world (If you don't believe me, you obviously haven't heard "Make every shot...a power shot" in glorious monotone fashion).

#4) Michelle Wie: Huh? How is she even on this list? I don't see her in any commercials and she flat out sucks ass at golf. On a side note, I think she actually is pretty hot, but for some reason no one else in the media has made any mention of this. When trying to figure that one out, one day I made the realization that with short hair she would sorta look like the guy in "Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle". Needless to say, I spent the rest of that day I spent shivering uncontrollably and trying to fling myself out of 6-story windows.

So when you consider some of the other names involved, you almost wonder why Lebron isn't making TWICE as much as the other scrubs. After all, he isn't involved in any scandals and actually seems like a pretty nice guy.

Wait...there's your answer right there. Someone get Amy Winehouse's agent on the phone.

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Note: The photographer who took that photo of Lebron featured above is named "John Kuntz". Say a silent prayer and smile over the weekend that your childhood wasn't as hard as that guy's had to be.

Caron Butler Did The Dew

Wizards star Caron Butler had a problem.

-Not drugs or booze, but a much more...well...neon green problem.

Apparently he is no longer permitted by his family or friends to drink Mountain Dew because he used to drink too much of it. How much? In his words:

"A lot. -Before every game at Connecticut, I drank a two-liter of Mountain Dew. I'm dead serious. Ask my wife what she would have to go get me before a game. I'd be like, 'Hey, stop by the 7-11, bring me a two-liter.' "

He even had a special ritualistic way of drinking it every game:

"Yeah, I'd be wired," Butler confirmed. "I'd drink half [before the game], and then I'd drink half at halftime. Because, you know, it shoots you up. And then there's a down, and you're flat-lining, and you've got to go back up again. That's what I've been doing, but they don't want me to drink it any more. They done took my Mountain Dew from me."

Personally, I only drink Mountain Dew once a year on Halloween. The green color for some reason looks "Halloweeny" to me, and I usually am doing some crazy partying on Halloween that only Mountain Dew's levels of hyperactivity can prepare me for. Hearing that Caron was addicted is no surprise to me as that stuff is pure electricity in a bottle. It's also no surprise that Caron's primary reason for drinking it was as an energy boost as that stuff tastes like pure goat piss.

I have a good friend who would drink Mountain Dew Code Red as his only source of fluids. He never drank water and after a while it became apparent that it was the only thing he would consume. I have been face to face with the Dew addiction my friends...and it is rough.

"Y'all think this is just a game; it's dead serious," he said. "I've got six refrigerators in the house. I used to have Mountain Dews filled in all of them. I don't have A Mountain Dew in my refrigerator no more. It's crazy, man. Pretty soon they'll say I can't chew my straws any more."

Hopefully he stays neon-green sober.

Wait...who am I kidding? I would LOVE to see him frothing at the mouth and yelling about extreme sports during a primetime broadcast. He'd look like that Mountain Dew machine that turned into a robot in Transformers The Movie.

Sideshow Bob...To The Bobcats?!

Anderson Varejao, America's favorite out of shape and overweight palm-tree-lookalike, reached an agreement Tuesday night with the Charlotte Bobcats on a three year deal. Since he is a restricted free agent, this means the Cavs have until the end of the week to match the offer or watch him walk.

Reading this made me sit back and actually think of what things I know about Anderson Varejao. Let's see...

1) He helped set the world record for "most people wearing a wig during indoors" during a Cavs game.

2) He practially broke a person's face in half during the FIBA World Championships.

3) With his incredibly high shoulders, hunched back, and slouched posture he is easily one of the most bizarre looking players I have ever seen live during a basketball game. He looks like a muppet.

Yup, that's about it.

These attributes already make him a perfect fit for the hilarious Bad News Bears team named the Bobcats. They already have a gambling, chainsmoking NBA hero as a GM, a crying Prefontaine clone, Raymond Felton (whose profile photos all make him look like ODB), and other wacky players like Matt Carroll and Primoz Brezec. When it comes down to it, Varejao was BORN to wear the neon orange space suit.

Sadly, according to people close to the Cavs organization it looks like Cleveland will likely match the offer and toss Anderson into Charlie Bell Hell, a land where escape from your team is impossible.

We can only hope he finds a way out so we can see him receiving a handshake and a stogey from Mike. The comedic implications are endless.

America's "Case Of The Mondays"

Announcement: First of all, congrats to Sly The Fox on winning "Atlantic Division's Creepiest Mascot" and moving on to round 2 of the Creepiest NBA Mascot Tournament. Congrats Sly...you are one step closer to haunting the dreams of America's children.

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I don't care if you got a promotion or won a million dollars, Monday provided two counts of indesputable proof that life isn't fair on Mondays:

First off: Monday Night Football kicked America in the nuts. The Patriots, as everyone knew they were going to, came back to beat the Baltimore Ravens at the last second. I contend that the one thing worse than watching a perfect, rather evil team come back and win is KNOWING they will do so about 3 quarters beforehand. -And you wonder why we choose to follow the NBA and have an unnatural hatred in Boston Celtics articles...

and

Secondly: As Pardon The Interruption pointed out on Monday, America had those same nuts grabbed and twisted with the knowledge that beady-eyed hairy guy Marko Jaric (below) is somehow dating Victoria Secret model Adriana Lima (above). While on one hand you have to do a golf clap for the apparent immensity of Jaric's Dirk Diggler (he had to get her somehow), you also have to shake your head at the stupidity of models. This girl could have anyone, and yet is attracted to a bench player whose own team appears to not want him anymore. You could practically see her turning him down, then Jaric saying, "Hairy backs are the new "in" thing!", and him reaping the rewards. While it is true that "dumb models make the world go 'round", it is also true that "every time a bell rings Marko Jaric plows into Adriana Lima".

That is a most unsettling thought for you to take with you through the holidays, dear reader. (My doorbell just rang as I wrote that) DAMN, Marko!

The NBA's Creepiest Mascot Tourney: Rd 1 - Atlantic Division

Its long been argued that basketball is by far the most enjoyable of the major pro sports to watch in a live setting. Not only can you can get a true perspective of the players' size and athleticism, but you're constantly entertained during all dead-ball situations by the dancers, party music, t-shirt cannons, jumbotrons, contests, and most importantly the mascots. Most people tend to either sit on either of the extreme ends of the love/hate table when it comes to mascots, but I simply have a deep-seated childhood fear of anyone in a giant suit. Basically, the Easter Bunny at the mall was my scary clown. Thus, THF is proud to bring you a bracket-style tournament, where only one will emerge as The NBA's Creepiest Mascot.

Round 1 - Atlantic Division

Lucky (Boston Celtics)
It's only been since the '03-'04 season that Lucky has been unmasked, revealing a stereotypical-Boston goatee. Not so native to Boston though is his over-sized bow tie and a shiny gold vest, which makes him look like a Broadway star who's about to break out in song rather than a Sam Adams-guzzling dude named Sully. Not so creepy to me because of the lack of a suit and mask, but terrifying to the homophobic Bostonian.


Sly and Mini Sly (New Jersey Nets)
To quote BBJ:

Sly is the Nets mascot, and I don't give a SHIT what anyone says, he is the creepiest looking- and thus the best- mascot in the NBA.

If I were seeding this tourney, Sly's a lock for a #1. He and his accomplice, Mini Sly, share stark blue eyes of a sniper and the same shit-eating grins that both the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys and my roommate from freshman year had. In true Dirty Jersey fashion, Mini Sly struts and flexes his guns like a guido who's just come from getting his swell on at the gym. Sly is notorious for hiding in remote corners of the arena where he waits for the perfect moment to scare the shit out of whomever is shooting a free-throw by slamming two planks of wood together. I strongly encourage all of you to visit Sly's Den, where one can watch videos of him whackily terrorizing other mascots and tearing around in his Slymobile. Truly terrifying stuff.
*For full disclosure's sake: I applied and failed to become Sly's assistant during games and public appearances, but there's no hard feelings.


Zeke (New York Knicks)
The Knicks actually lack a mascot, instead relying upon Isiah Thomas to be the face of the light-hearted and carefree side of the franchise. Obviously just another drop in an ocean of mistakes, but that doesn't mean one shouldn't break this down for what it really is. After a legendary high school, college and pro career as a player, Zeke now stoops to entertain the masses by ruining your team or league (as in the case of the CBA) all the while sexually harassing all the fresh tail in sight and blurting out his catch phrase, "What the fuck is your job? What are your job responsibilities, you fucking ho?"


Hip-Hop (Philadelphia 76ers)
In a poor attempt to identify with the hip-hop culture, the 76ers have slapped on a do rag and sunglasses to a Sylvester Stallone look-a-like that's fully jacked on HGH and designer steroids. WARNING TO PARENTS: Do not mistake Hip-Hop for the Easter Bunny because he will take out his roid rage on your children's spinal column.


The Raptor (Toronto Raptors)
Those charming Canucks don't fuck around. "The team is the Raptors, so we're going to give the fans a fucking terrifying red velociraptor creatively named The Raptor. For good measure let's throw in some reptillian eyes that'll pair nicely with sharp 5'' teeth that are so massive that his blood thirsty mouth won't close. Now let's go have a Labatt's, eh?"

So who's the creepiest in the Atlantic Division?
	Lucky
	Sly
	Zeke
	Hip-Hop
	The Raptor
pollcode.com free polls

Jason Kidd's Claws Come Out

When Jason Kidd went on his tirade a ways back about how the Nets give up in games too easily, we figured it was a bunch of his usual fire-in-the-belly words to inspire his team. After all, outside of marrying complete she-devils, Jason Kidd can do no wrong.

Well, chuck us in with Juwana Mann Joumana Kidd, because we smell a rat.

The New Jersey Star Ledger is reporting that Kidd's tirade agains the Nets came shortly after the team told him that they wouldn't honor his wishes for a pricey extension. Apparently Kidd is angry that Vince Carter got a ton of money and wanted similar treatment.

Yes, Kidd is a shoe-in Hall Of Famer. Yes, he still in many ways is better than Vince night in and night out. Yes, he scores points with us for "most monotone delivery of a 'psych up the crowd' speech" (His "Hey...Nets fans...Make Some Noise..." is priceless). -But none of this changes the fact that he is almost 37 while Vince is "only" 30. That right there is the reason behind Rod Thorn saying no-no.

This sounds like a mess for the Nets organization one year after they got out from under the weight of Kidd's sticky divorce.

The Sixers are a joke, the Knicks are in the 9th circle of hell (not to be confused with the flames erupting spontaneously at Seattle home games), the Raptors are being exposed as a one year wonder and now this. It appears that for the millionth straight year, the Atlantic Division will run away with the "most dysfunctional division in the NBA" crown. We can only hope Doc Rivers goes crazy with a tommy gun and seals the deal.

J.R. Smith Is A Delight

First off, a quick shout out to our friends at Deadspin for putting our site on their page for the Knicks broadcasting article. Gotta love those guys.
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Few NBA players are interesting enough to check in on them on a regular basis. Some players on the other hand make people excited to click on their "player news" on fantasy basketball teams.

One of those interesting guys for me is JR Smith (not that I would ever have him on my fantasy basketball team, but you get the point).

JR is a member of a select breed of NBA stars I like to call "The Super Crazies". This group also includes Qyntel Woods, Rasheed Wallace, Stephon Marbury, Chris Anderson, Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson, and a few others. I call them The Super Crazies because their bizarre antics almost make their lives seem like something out of a comic book. I also like to think that on weekends they fight crimes using their superpowers, but in reality they probably just commit crimes.

Today the Rocky Mountain News reported that J.R. Smith is nicknamed "YoungRich" by his friends. To unlock the cryptic, enigmatic puzzle of why he is nicknamed this, J.R. responded:

"Because I'm young and I'm rich. My homeboys gave it to me."

Apparently he loves this nickname, even writing it on his shoes. Nevermind the fact that he makes less than half of the league's average salary or that his first name already IS a nickname.

To make the story even better, apparently the Nuggets showed J.R. on a segment called "This or That," during a home game. He was asked if he preferred "love" or "money."

J.R. of course answered "money." His sage answer would have made Socrates look like a dumbass:

"Because love can hurt you. Money never hurts you."

Well said, my friend, well said.

I'm sure there was more to be said, but J.R. probably saw The Super Crazies signal in the sky and had to do his thing. You can tell when that happens because in the newspaper the next day you can see "J.R. Smith suspended by the Nuggets due to 'conduct detrimental to the team'".