Friday, August 29, 2008

Real NBA Superstars Wipe Themselves With Leaves

I absolutely love these outtakes/interviews/candid videos from the "redeem team" commercial shoots. It's like someone took all of the sheen and filters off of the stars and told them to behave as they normally would.

Take, for instance, this interview with Deron Williams and Chris Paul. I've often wondered what I would bring if I went on a camping trip. While my natural inclination would be to say a bed or something to shelter my body from the pounding elements and grizzlies, Chris Paul has a good point and made me realize that Little Debbie Snack Cakes (when given enough of them) could make a rather comfortable bed.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

And Now For Something Completely Different

Not much in the news today, but let's take a break from the Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day. Labor Day Weekend is almost upon us, and that means kids are going back to school, football is about to end the abysmal sports summer (baseball fans...even you are unable to watch baseball games on television more than twice a week for risk of losing your own sanity to boredom), and we get to spend some quality time with friends.

To be honest, I really can't think of a good photo/video to emphasize labor day weekend...and for that reason let's just watch this:

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Oh Crap

Marcus Williams, put down those stolen laptops because you've become the only healthy option your team's got left at point guard! Sadly, Monta Ellis is going to be out at least 3 months after tearing an ankle ligament playing pickup. Don't give me that "for the love of the game" bull MJ! Monta's wheel is going under the knife because of guys like James Catusco:

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


Monday, August 25, 2008

Lebron Likes To Shake It.

When I'm not saving kids from burning orphanages in a most heroic fashion, or setting fire to orphanages, I'm usually patrolling for various ridiculous videos. I maintain that Youtube is the best website ever created (which is saying something given the other fine sites out there, such as Unicorn Dreams). I think this for no other reason that at any given hour I can see up to 80 ugly folks playing video game soundtracks on their keyboards.

Today I stumbled upon some offscreen footage of Lebron James between takes while filming commercials. Apparently he likes to dance. The best part is how the other players try awkwardly to look the other way (exhibit A is Chris Paul near the end of the clip) because...well...what do you say when a guy is dancing and looking at you? "Oh...hey...nice, uh...moves,'re still dancing?'m going to grab a Coke. See you in a bit." (runs quickly away while Lebron continues to bob up and down with a creepy grin on his face).

Friday, August 22, 2008

Anthony Carter Will Make Up Your Mind For You!

When it's the weekend, the world is your oyster. So many decisions, so little time.


Thursday, August 21, 2008

Hornets Get New Uniforms And Logo...Doesn't Suck!

I'm so used to silly-looking (Bobcats) or named (THUNDER! KAPOW!) NBA teams, that when a team actually comes through it kinda surprises me. Such is the case with the new look Hornets. For so long, the team ambled about in their silly sneakers-wearing Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket ripoff logo-ed digs. Now to match the newfound respectability Chris Paul and company have given them, check out the new logo above in collectable puzzle form (formerly their secondary logo, which I complained time and again they needed to make their primary logo...thanks for listening Bourbon Street!)

Below is their new logo, which reminds me of the New Orleans-themed Showboat Casino in Atlantic City. I love them. Totally redid the look of the team to represent the area they play in.

Er....wait a second. Says on their team store that THIS is their new primary logo...a more cartoony remake of the Yellow Jackets ripoff:

Hold the Stephone. This team remake was cruising for a solid A+...but keeping that looney tunes bee logo for anything other than a secondary "put this on the side of our shorts and that's it" would be a major letdown. It would downgrade them to a B. I surely hope they go with the Fleur De Lis (it looks like the website is highly promoting that one). It has cool pointy insect hands and everything.

Anyhoo, congrats to New Orleans fans, as well as beekeepers.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: 76ers

Not feeling too well today, and I never get sick, so to keep my Cal Ripken-esque streak of healthy days intact I'm keepin' it short today.

Slow news day. Cheerleaders. Philly. Insert cheesesteak joke here.

Alright, bed time!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Sorry, Kids...You Have To Wait On That Joe Smith Jersey

Today the unnamed Oklahoma City team (THUNDER! KAPOW!) said that they will wait to announce the acquisitions of Joe Smith, Desmond Mason, and Kyle Weaver until they have their jerseys, colors, and team name sorted out. You can almost sense the Oklahom-ians...Oklahomans...Oklahommms...waiting to explode in excitement at seeing a jersey with the name "Weaver" on it.

Apparently the team has given a due date on all this team business: the end of the month. That's not much time, most likely in the next two weeks, for us to be blessed with the name thunder (KAPOW!!!) and some bobcats-esque color of neon orange, salmon, and burnt siena. I, for one, would be happy with any color except blue and black. Nearly every team has those colors in their color scheme. I say go pink or go home.

Stay tuned to see this weather-related sports business shake out!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Awoooooooooo....what a bad uniform

Fans of the Minnesota Timberwolves of the wolf animal rejoice, for your team has unveiled its new look. -Actually, The Howeva Files(amongst others) unveiled it a while ago, but who am I to care?

Yes, folks, the Timberwolves are now officially the "Wolves", so says it on their jerseys. What's that you say? They ARE still the Timberwolves, but just shortened it on their fancy shirts? Great...good to hear that's not confusing. Apparently the team used to have Wolves on their jerseys back in the early 90s, the true heyday of the team being awful. Now McHale can start getting the team back to it's true place in the NBA with non-subtle sucking.

And here we go, some stars to get fans excited! Stars like Mike Miller, wearer of the Kevin Sorbo/Aragorn-esque shoulder-length straight hair. Part of me likes Mike Miller, the same part that enjoys Scot Pollard and other misplaced freaky white guys. -But another part of me (call it the "rational" part) thinks it isn't the best idea to start marketing your team's new look around someone who you got as a toss-in during your swap of 1st round draft picks.

At least the team hasn't completely abandoned the godzilla-sized MONSTER WOLF (seen below), standing tall over thousands of pine trees. As crummy as things get with the team, the Minnesota fan can continue to claim to others that their logo is perhaps the least child-friendly, most evil and poop-your-pants-inducing logo out there. Once this large-nostriled animal is stricken from team apparell, you can officially stick a fork in this franchise. At least the Vikings have Adrian Peterson!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day..Er..Weekend: Hawks

Watching Michael Phelps and yawning over the early round poundings of Team USA Basketball over their opponents?

Yeah, me too.

Therefore, let's usher in a weekend in style. Today, we go to a land filled with southern accents, fatty food, Chipper Jones, and red clay (they have red clay instead of dirt...gets all over everything): ATLANTA!

The majority of my family resides in Atlanta, a bizarre situation considering all of us grew up and lived in New Jersey. The city is really underrated (probably due to its annual "most polluted air" championships in Men's Health), and the people there are all unbelievably nice. Most of all, they don't do anything small there. It's ALL supersized.

With that in mind, a supersized, weekend-filling batch of Atlanta Hawks "A-Town" Team Dancers. Have a good weekend, folks.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Three Way Dilly, Milli Vanilli

Today the Bucks, Cavs, and THUNDER...KAPOW!...sorry, I just feel the need to do that when I say that team name...agreed to a deal. The deal essentially gives the Cavs starting point guard Mo Williams, the Thunder Joe Smith and Desmond Mason, and the Bucks get a heaping pile of excrement. -By this I mean they get washed up guard Luke Ridnour, Adrian Griffin, and Damon Jones.
What does this mean for the teams?

A) The Cavs are morons - Mo Williams is pretty good...but that's all he is. He isn't an elite guard, and he isn't a horrible one. What he IS, as a matter of fact, is the thing that could screw the Cavs over in 2010 when Lebron becomes a free agent and Mo Williams' then 9.5 million-a-year salary kicks in. When your snobby friend points out how this trade helps the Cavs out a ton, be sure to point this out before you laugh in his face and steal his girlfriend.

B) The Bucks are thinking about the FUTURE - They have Luke Ridnour, who looked like something Earl Watson shat out, at point guard. They dumped a ton of salary. They got Damon Jones, which pretty much says to anyone out there, "Yeah...we're not really taking this seriously". On the bright side, they'll have a bucket of money to throw around at free agents...who would love to wear green jerseys with deers on Milwaukee...yep.

C) The Thunder are named THE THUNDER - KAPOW! - Little else is really important here. Desmond Mason is alright, I guess. With a new logo, new colors, and a new city at least we'll recognize Durant as the roster gets messed with.

That is all. Good DAY, sir.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Iggy Gets The Bucks...Time To Build A Building!

Today the Sixers gave a very nice contract to Andre Iguodala, locking him up with 80 mill and ensuring that his team will indeed be one of the more interesting ones come next season with Brand and Iggy. Furthermore, Andre Iguodala actually seems to be a really smart, likeable fellow...something that is a rarity these days of Artests, Kobes and Steven Jacksons (formerly referred to as "the Sprewell days"). He's like the opposite of Iverson...the No-verson.

Not to continue to gush here, but what I like most about Iggy most is that you can tell that he has the wherewithal mentally to be a success. Just listening to him talk, you can tell he would be good at his job even if he was a janitor (my apologies to the enormous janitor contingent that reads this. You keep our latrines clean). See for yourself:

An architect? A builder of skyscrapers? The sheer fact that Andre Iguodala shares the same fake occupation as George Costanza makes him aces in my book. Toss in the "A squared plus B squared equals C squared...or something like that" comment and you have me sold. Casual triginometry always wins over the ladies.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Kobe Might Go To Italy! Monkeys Might Fly Out Of My Butt!

Kobe Bryant is now saying that 50 million is one spicy-a meat-a-ball, and he would consider playing in Italy for that much. Since Bryant spent some time in Italy already, people are starting to think that his words have more creedance than Lebron's European interests.

Well, that, and this clip. -Easily my favorite clip of Kobe because I don't speak Italian and thus can't get annoyed at how cocky his words are:

I'm just going to put this out there: I just flat out don't believe any of this Euro junk. All it takes is Nike, Reebok, or another corporate sponsor to say, " aren't going anywhere. You make more money for us in America. In addition...sign our shoes" and the talk is done. Kobe is like Brett Favre in that he likes to pop his name into whatever news story is hot at the moment. People are demanding trades? Ooo, I want one of those too! Europe is the hot place? I MIGHT go there! I was actually a bit amazed to not see him stepping out of a limo, showing his cesarian scar around the time those Britney photos came out.

-Ah well, there's still time. Ciao!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day:

The Hawks matched the Grizzlies offer for Josh Smith, and when the top headline of the NBA reads "Grizzlies to continue to suck", you know it's a slow day. Time for cheerleaders.

Goodness, we've had a lot of slow days/cheerleaders lately, haven't we?

Today we travel to the land of cowboy hats, tumbleweeds, southern accents, and...Ginobili. The Spurs dancers frequently enjoy running around in schoolgirl outfits, a male fantasy that continues to elude me. I went to a catholic high school, so I saw those outfits every day. When you see something that often, especially with people who are not shaped like cheerleaders (more like the bus they travel in), the costume loses some of its panache.

Ah, who am I kidding? It's a fun way to go into the weekend. See you Monday!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

White Chocolate Is A Clipper

Want to feel old?

Remember when Jason Williams was the cool new rookie in the league, dazzling NBA audiences with no-look passes and an invisible third eye for pinpoint alley-oop passes?

That was 10 years ago.

Cut to the present day: Jason Williams is a veteran, completely devoid of his fun antics (thanks a LOT, Hubie Brown), has a championship ring, and no longer has that funny parted haircut. He also is the latest person to be brought to the new-look Clippers, a team whose roster already everyone has lost track of.

Ah well, we can always look back, can't we? Jason Williams tops my list of "players who I totally thought were going to be entertaining to watch forever...and weren't" with Tracy McGrady a close second. Ron Artest is on that list somewhere for different reasons.

Top 10 Jason Williams plays (Warning: Turn the volume off of your computer, lest Michelle Branch music ruin your evening)

-And what would a young Jason Williams retrospective be without the best pass I have ever seen (or will ever see) over an NBA All Star Weekend:

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Pistons

Just got back from seeing Stone Temple Pilots at Jones Beach in New York (amazing concert), and to my wondering eyes I see very little has happened in the NBA today. The NFL is another story altogether with Brett Favre entering my hallowed town of New York City...well...technically they play in East Rutherford, New Jersey...but you get the point.

With little news and it being quite late (or early, for those of you who choose to wake up to read this site at 2am everyday), it's time for a quick Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day. Today we head to the land of Matt Millen and riots. Lots and lots of riots. Pistons fans, you may not have a football or baseball team that do silly things like "try", but I'll be damned if you don't have two of the more successful basketball and hockey teams in history.
Some would use this as an opportunity to make a joke about pom-poms...but I won't. You stay classy...planet earth.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Jazz

What, citizens? You say wee little Earl Boykins signing a deal to play in Europe is your big news story of the day? Have no fear! -For you are about to be saved by...

The Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day!

This week we travel to beautiful Utah, the home of...Utahians. The Utah Jazz dancers are apparently called the "Nu Skin Dancers", a name which I don't really understand. Since Utah is chock full o' mormons, I can only imagine that "Nu Skin Dancers" must be some sort of Biblical reference. I vaguely remember learning in my catholic high school (Pope John XXIII, hoo-rah) that God commanded Noah to build an ark, housing two of each animal and a vast array of "Nu Skin Dancers."

Fun Fact: You can only achieve this pose if you accept Jesus as your one true savior. Try it!

Monday, August 4, 2008

The Way TRUE Friends Greet Each Other

This is the new way I will say hello to people I know. It has a certain subtle, understated class about it:

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Paul Pierce And His Multiple Field Sobriety Tests

TMZ had an interesting report that didn't involve Lindsay Lohan or Madonna (hence the reason it was interesting). I'll let the text do the talking for me on this one:

"Paul Pierce of Boston Celtic fame was pulled over for erratic driving at around 3:30 this morning in Vegas, and apparently cops suspected he was driving wasted. Law enforcement sources tell us Pierce was stopped in front of the Tropicana Hotel and Casino and given not one but two field sobriety tests, plus a breathalyzer for good measure. He passed all three! Now here's the interesting part. After cops let him go, Paul left his car at the valet and took a cab home. He was not cited or charged."

Very interesting that Pierce took took a cab home after actually passing both of these tests. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see what happened. be honest, rocket scientists are a bad example since they are so incredibly involved with their rocket science. I'll rephrase it by saying "it doesn't take a moron to see what happened". There, much better:

Paul Pierce was pulled over and was "drunk as a skunk" as the kids say. The cops made him do a field test, and then made him RE-do it, thoroughly scaring the living hell out of him while they laughed. After having their yuks, adequately showing that a 40-something moustached, balding cop could have something over a millionaire NBA champion, they let him go. The only thing they said was that he had to take a cab home.

And there you have it, an explanation to the whole thing. -At least that's MY guess. It's Monday and that's the best I could do after a weekend of making NBA stars do field sobriety tests for my own enjoyment.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Video of the Day: Chinese Basketball Interviewees Have Robot Voices

The thing you have to love about extremely tall asian basketball dudes: They appear to have the market on monotone, low baritone voices completely monopolized.

Seriously, listening to Yi and Yao sounds like two varying recordings of that macintosh computer voice. I actually expected Yi in this clip to start of his response by saying, "Uhhhhh....(thoughtful pause)...does not compute...does not compute...does not compute..." (various sparks shoot out of his neck as his eyes glow red).

In related news, apparently Yao bragged that China would come in 6th place in the Olympics in basketball this year. This is considered foolhardy, as most don't expect them to do any better than 8th place. I will reserve judgement in light of Yao and Yi's voices proving they are in fact robots. -Mostly because I haven't yet seen the end of The Terminator so I do not have an idea of the best way to vanquish them.

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