Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Happy Holidays, everyone!
The most interesting thing is the long, looooooooooong pauses when the reporter asks them what they'd like for Christmas this year...followed by both of them saying they have purchased anything they already wanted for themselves. If I were a criminal, I would have stopped whatever I was doing (probably making explosive ships-in-a-bottle to go along with my "The Sailor" archvillain name) and would immediately rob these guys. There has to be SOMETHING you don't have Luol and Derrick! This year, for instance, I am asking for a private jet, Megan Fox, and Spencer Pratt's head on a platter.
Monday, December 22, 2008
- Yi is a geezer. I'm not one to say he's old, but Yi talks about what was wrong with the Ford administration, has it written in his contract that he should be in bed by 8, starts conversations about friends who just died, and needs his oatmeal pre-chewed.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
That being said, the TNT show with Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith, and Charles Barkley stands out like a beautiful mirage in the middle of a desert of Shannon Sharpe-led retardation*. The show is funny, and they all actually talk like a bunch of guys sitting around a bar (i.e. they actual are entertaining). Staying topical, here is how they talk about what's going on with President Bush lately:
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Coach Mike D'Antoni: "That's fine. About 19,000 people are going to be there tonight, so if he wants to see a good game, that's great."
TRANSLATION: WTF!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! F**K THIS MOTHERF**KER AND HIS F**KING STUPID TATTOOED HEAD!
Knicks Forward Quentin Richardson: "My thing is, we were here playing the Lakers. I guess he was a face in the crowd. I didn't know he was there."
TRANSLATION: He kept heckling me about Brandy.
Richardson: "I hope he enjoyed it. It was a good game."
TRANSLATION: When can I start making that kind of money without playing?
Marbury: "All I've got to do is get free. Once I get free, the team I'm going to go to, I think a lot of people will be shocked."
TRANSLATION: I am going to form a barnstorming team of exiled players including Darius Miles and JR Rider. If that doesn't work, I think I'm still eligible to get some run at Lincoln High!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Here is a typical moment when the ball winds up in his teammate's hands while his teammate is accidentally out of bounds.
After the F Bomb, you could practically see the director in the booth saying, "Oh No!. We had the mikes near KG again! Quick! Go to something completely boring. Carlos Boozer on the sidelines in a suit! Stat!"
I kinda want to make a talking KG action figure that is all curse words and him saying, "You all KNOW Lebron took that chalk dust introduction thing from me, right?"
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
That being said, we still need an explaination for this:
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Check out his reaction to the trade with Phoenix below. Between saddened tone and mentioning TWICE that unlike his team at least the Suns have a chance at doing something this season, you can see just how happy he is. My favorite is that he actually says that it will be a shock to Boris and Raja when they come to the Bobcats and see just how far they've fallen.
Just inspires you to play some great basketball for him, doesn't it Bobcats?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
- Black and Blue Jor
Yes Bobcat fans, your team can get worse. You've traded away an athletic scorer for a guy with a track record for clotheslines and a pear-shaped frog who once said, "I don't date American women. I have them." But hey, Bell is a Coach Brown type of guy and so is...oh wait, Diaw will be suicidal come New Year's.
As for Phoenix, this will likely accomplish nothing, but now they can argue that they have three (and when Shaq plays, three and a half) stars. At this point Bell is no longer the defender he's touted as, but after watching last night's game versus the Lakers I'm ready to bury all of Terry Porter's defensive philosophies.
THIS JUST IN!
Hall of Fame coach, fitness buff and known steroid abuser, Chuck Daly, smashed a fan's camera on a golf course. Pray to God that you never cross paths with this mentally unbalanced lunatic!
- Anubis Taylor
Monday, December 8, 2008
Kevin McHale Goes Isiah On The T-Wolves...Local Papers Begin Preparing Their Sexual Harrassment and Drug Overdose Stories
That's right, he's pulling an Isiah Thomas.
I can't wait until Sebastian Telfair gives his best Starbury impression on the Minneapolis version of Mike'd Up!
While this was all fancy and whatnot, the biggest thing for me was loading up on Miami Dolphins gear since I've been a Dolphins fan forever and can't score any aqua and/or orange swag above the Mason-Dixon line. I also just wanted to see how much Miami Heat stuff I could find since they won the championship not too long ago. As you can see, when it comes to worthwhile ways to spend money I am the equivalent of a drunk Charles Barkely in a casino.
Anyhoo, the big surprise to me was that I couldn't find any Heat or Dolphins stuff in the city of Miami!
I thought it was just that I wasn't looking in the right place, but then I went to the huge Lincoln Mall and also combed around several shopping areas in Miami Beach and Miami proper and came up with nothing but Camo-colored Marlins baseball caps. This is a shame of epic proportions to me as a Dolphins fan and those people who like the Heat. I went home to New York City with a cheap-looking Miami Dolphins hat, which was the only thing I could find at the airport in the "clearance" aisle...oh, yeah and I also purchased a very expensive piece of art from a gallery (this is less important on many levels).
While in the end I found a single Dolphins hat, I found NO Heat stuff whatsoever. -Not even an indication that they played in the city. I know they were bad last year, but this was still surprising.
Maybe this video below has something to do with it. Barak Obama does the unthinkable and becomes the first African-American president, uniting much of the country and bringing the prospect of hope in rather scary economic times. What does that result in? You guessed it, Dwayne Wade saying that if Obama gives some little kid an interview, that Wade would actually let Obama play against him.
My new opinion is that it's stuff like this that caused Obama to make his first secret act in office to be finding and burning all Miami Heat merchandise. I know, I know that the video is supposed to be cute, but if I were Obama I would watch this and say, "What a completely cocky piece of poop. I killed myself to get elected. One I get those secret service guys, I'm using them to force Dwayne Wade to lick my boot."
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Apparently there is basketball being played too, but ah who cares. Bonus points to the Kings for that incredibly crude outline of a girl next to a hot dog. It's almost as if Vegas tycoons with loose moral fiber own this team or something!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
So the much-talked about meeting to settle the Stephon Marbury drama ended up being a complete dud, lasting only 15 minutes until Marbury left. My inside source (my imagination) report it went down like this:
Walsh: Steph, I've thought long and hard about your circumstance on this team and we're willing to make you a buy-out offer. Would you care to hear it?Also according to my source, Megan Fox wants to ride shotgun on my Pegasus to my fortress on the moon to be my moon-slave. He's always on target that source!
Marbury: (fingers in ears) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
Gotta love it. The amazing thing is that although Devin Harris has rather large teeth and ears that would allow him to fly away were you to put a feather in his trunk, you KNOW he is such a pimp inside that he could probably pick up any one of those lovely ladies. That is the very definition of badass.
After this comedic display, it matters not that the Lakers outscored the Nets by 27 points. 'Twas Devin Harris that won this game.
Friday, November 28, 2008
We here at THF hope that you and your family had a very Happy Thanksgiving. We, obviously, took the day off to focus on giblets and why they are so damn horrendous looking. Most people had the day off, including (to no one's surprise) this guy, so if you worked over the holiday our hearts go out to you. You are probably breaking into your boss' car to fill it with giblets right now.
Three thoughts: 1) I don't know what "Jingle Bell Swings" are, but I want at least two of them. 2) Mutombo's voice appears to have actually just been dubbed with the sound of a coffee bean grinder on "high" setting. 3) You can tell they chucked Luis Scola out there, had him speak, and then ran him back to his trailer while saying, "He said a sentence or two, now get him offscreen! He'll scare the children!"
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
The mulleted piece of man-meat pictured above is Scott Brooks, and he has just been named the new interim coach of the Oklahoma City Thunder (Kapowww). I honestly had no knowledge of Scott Brooks coming into today, which is somewhat odd as I pride myself on being a veritable encyclopedia of mulleted sports players past and present. Looking at Scott Brooks' wikipedia page doesn't reveal much either, other than the fact that in addition to the NBA he played in the CBA and the WBL (two little-known basketball leagues that nevertheless completely trump the WNBA in terms of legitimacy).
One thing that does stand out is that the CBA team he played for was named "The Albany Patroons". A "patroon" is defined as "A landholder in New Netherland who, under Dutch colonial rule, was granted proprietary and manorial rights to a large tract of land in". -The other definition is "A ship captain"...so yeah...take from that what you will. (Walks away as "The More You Know" jingle plays)
Thursday, November 20, 2008
This year the Suns are going with a "Planet Orange" campaign, which doesn't really make much sense to me and sorta sounds like a new Mountain Dew flavor. This comes complete with a completely silly, but nontheless entertaining video
This begs the question: How was this video pitched to Grant Hill? I can only hope it sounded like this:
Suns executive: "So just to recap, Barbosa will be made to look like the roadrunner, Shaq will do a Godzilla yell, and Nash will play with the basketball like a soccer ball. We'll even give useless Diaw some fire or something."
Hill: "What am I going to do?"
Suns executive: "You're going to run up a mountain, dressed like a dragon with a flamethrower attached to your face. We'll then need you to flex at the camera and do pelvic thrusts."
Hill: "Bullshit. I'll dunk for you and that's it." (Walks out of the room, shoving Steve Kerr as he does so.)
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Take his latest diatribe about how Rip Hamilton is weak. He doesn't necessarily attack Hamilton's game or his personality, but strikes him where it hurts most: His mask!
When Jackson was asked if he would wear anything protective after getting poked in the eye recently, he responded in typical amazing Stephen Jackson-esque fashion:
"No goggles. No, no, no. Never. I'm not going to be like Rip Hamilton, where my nose is broken eight years ago and I still wear a mask," said Jackson. "The only way I'll wear a patch is if my eye's closed. I'd rather stay with Captain Jack, not Pirate Jack."
Amazing. I want the last sentence on a corporate-style motivational poster. I give it a week or less before Captain Morgan finds a way to capitalize on this.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
(Quote) Stephen A is a cool guy.
Monday, November 17, 2008
A Golden State Warrior boasting is a recipe for disaster.
People did indeed say these things, Monta Ellis, but how many of these things are now true? You aren't exactly a leader when someone can look at your Yahoo! profile and read, "Ellis is serving a 30-game suspension after sustaining a left ankle injury in an offseason moped accident." Leaders drive Harleys...followers use Segways and Mopeds.
Plus, the Warriors have come back to earth this year. They are 4-6 and already 4 games back in in their own division despite the fact that teams have only played 4 games. Honestly, there is nothing I like more than hearing a person boast egomaniacally in an ad and then watch as they fall from grace in a most spectacular fashion. Having a Golden State Warrior boast after one good year is like watching Gargamel celebrate after catching a Smurf...you know it's just going to get away from them in the end.
Now that I've said my piece, please enjoy the smooth listening sounds of someone who took the NBA on NBC song and made it sound like a video game. I love technology.
Friday, November 14, 2008
That rumored video of a CEO beating Jordan in a 1-on-1 game at Jordan's Flight School has finally made it to the web thanks to the Wall Street Journal. CEO or not, this guy has carte blanche anywhere he goes now and if anyone ever gives him crap he can just say, "I beat MJ so F you!"
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
I'm sure to his players he is a foul-mouthed, tempermental coach who is great at Xs and Os and doesn't really have much patience when it comes to mistakes, but who cares? At least on camera he sounds like something grandma would pat affectionately on the shoulder:
Listen to those good-natured chuckles. Someone get this guy a "my grandchildren love me" t-shirt, because dammit...we do.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
The win came despite what can only be a "Quentin Richardson-esque" night from Quentin Richardson, with him shooting 1-9 with 6 turnovers. In my minds eye Q-Rich spent this game attempting to shoot with only his left hand, one eye closed, and Michelle Obama's dress on (ooh a political joke! I'm so topical!)
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HOOOAH, Knicks president Donnie Walsh explained at a press conference while spitting out a tobacco-ravaged lung on the podium.Marbury's agent later read a statement explaining that his client despite this latest setback continues to stand by his claim on Mike'd Up that he'll average "like 10 points. Like 12-13 dimes. Like 2-3 assists but he shoots to win because he shoots to win. Kudos to Isiah Thomas!"
Monday, November 3, 2008
Denver Nuggets grade: D
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Anyhoo, with me preparing like a madman, I sadly don't have much time to write tonight, so let's just take a look at my favorite play from the first full night of NBA action: Yao Ming showing the rest of the league that the Rockets may actually catch a lucky break or two this year
Happy soon-to-be-halloween, kiddies.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
He would say " 'You can't guard me!' Just random talk," Duhon added. "He knows the game. He's like a point guard out there, and so he's always telling guys where to go, what to do, very vocal."
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I grew up in New Jersey (Flashes Hackettstown Gang Sign, which resembles a man tipping over a cow), so I have a soft spot in my heart for the Nets. That soft spot is held primarily by the pity I felt for them growing up as I would walk by their merchandise shops and see the jerseys of their "stars" belonged to Derrick Coleman and Yinka Dare. Eesh.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
This is a tad dated (from July of 2008), but if you are like me you have absolutely no knowledge or interest in the WNBA so this will be new to you. I was talking to one of my friends about how I want to write a "Best NBA Fights" story, and he told me that this one WNBA fight made the participants in NBA fights look like pansies. Apparently all hell broke loose in a game a while back and women were attacking each other with the savagery that can only come from repeated testosterone injections (seriously...LOOK at these "ladies". There is no genetic explanation for looking that muscular.)
Well, taking a look for myself, I have to agree with my friend. These she-devils are simply nuts. My only regret in watching this is that these females were not in any way feminine and were wearing jerseys instead of "I (heart) Black and Blue Jor" g-strings. I really have to get on the ball with mass-marketing those.