Friday, November 28, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving Hangover Day!

We here at THF hope that you and your family had a very Happy Thanksgiving.  We, obviously, took the day off to focus on giblets and why they are so damn horrendous looking.  Most people had the day off, including (to no one's surprise) this guy, so if you worked over the holiday our hearts go out to you.  You are probably breaking into your boss' car to fill it with giblets right now.

Alright, enough of pilgrims, turkeys, and hats with buckles on them (still waiting for this puritan fashion statement to come back).  Let's all take a deep breath and get ready for the real holiday season to begin:

Three thoughts: 1) I don't know what "Jingle Bell Swings" are, but I want at least two of them. 2) Mutombo's voice appears to have actually just been dubbed with the sound of a coffee bean grinder on "high" setting. 3) You can tell they chucked Luis Scola out there, had him speak, and then ran him back to his trailer while saying, "He said a sentence or two, now get him offscreen! He'll scare the children!"

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Lebron James Will Make Sweet Love To You

Below is Lebron's newest Nike commercial, which is approximately 3 minutes too long for a commercial.  Still, it's pretty funny to see a superstar acting like something Billy Dee Williams would hang out with.  Note to self: Get one of those fireplaces that switches on that quickly...bringing lumber in from a shed ruins the mood.

I am a happily married man, but WOW what a wise casting choice for the "hot girl" in this video.  You can tell even Lebron is shocked and awed by how good looking she is.  If I were the Knicks, to get Lebron I would tell him "We can get you 10 lookalikes of the girl in that video you were in.  We can also make everything else in that commercial you were in come true, including creating a time machine to put you in the 70's."

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Scott Brooks: Your New Skipper Of The Titanic!

The mulleted piece of man-meat pictured above is Scott Brooks, and he has just been named the new interim coach of the Oklahoma City Thunder (Kapowww). I honestly had no knowledge of Scott Brooks coming into today, which is somewhat odd as I pride myself on being a veritable encyclopedia of mulleted sports players past and present. Looking at Scott Brooks' wikipedia page doesn't reveal much either, other than the fact that in addition to the NBA he played in the CBA and the WBL (two little-known basketball leagues that nevertheless completely trump the WNBA in terms of legitimacy).

One thing that does stand out is that the CBA team he played for was named "The Albany Patroons". A "patroon" is defined as "A landholder in New Netherland who, under Dutch colonial rule, was granted proprietary and manorial rights to a large tract of land in". -The other definition is "A ship captain" yeah...take from that what you will. (Walks away as "The More You Know" jingle plays)

Thursday, November 20, 2008

No Gimmick Is Too Crappy For The Suns

Last year, the Suns treated us to a completely ridiculous multimedia website, which I've detailed here. If completely crazy computer effects are any indication, Steve Kerr and company have not let the 08-09 season go by without flushing tons of money down the toilet in self-promotion.

This year the Suns are going with a "Planet Orange" campaign, which doesn't really make much sense to me and sorta sounds like a new Mountain Dew flavor. This comes complete with a completely silly, but nontheless entertaining video

This begs the question: How was this video pitched to Grant Hill? I can only hope it sounded like this:

Suns executive: "So just to recap, Barbosa will be made to look like the roadrunner, Shaq will do a Godzilla yell, and Nash will play with the basketball like a soccer ball. We'll even give useless Diaw some fire or something."

Hill: "What am I going to do?"

Suns executive: "You're going to run up a mountain, dressed like a dragon with a flamethrower attached to your face. We'll then need you to flex at the camera and do pelvic thrusts."

Hill: "Bullshit. I'll dunk for you and that's it." (Walks out of the room, shoving Steve Kerr as he does so.)

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Stephen Jackson Is The Best

Stephen Jackson is one of my favorite players in the NBA. I don't find it particularly interesting to watch him play, and it isn't like he can lift a team with his spirit like Lebron or Chris Paul. I like Stephen Jackson because anytime you hear his name it is usually followed by something completely crazy and memorable.

Take his latest diatribe about how Rip Hamilton is weak. He doesn't necessarily attack Hamilton's game or his personality, but strikes him where it hurts most: His mask!

When Jackson was asked if he would wear anything protective after getting poked in the eye recently, he responded in typical amazing Stephen Jackson-esque fashion:

"No goggles. No, no, no. Never. I'm not going to be like Rip Hamilton, where my nose is broken eight years ago and I still wear a mask," said Jackson. "The only way I'll wear a patch is if my eye's closed. I'd rather stay with Captain Jack, not Pirate Jack."

Amazing. I want the last sentence on a corporate-style motivational poster. I give it a week or less before Captain Morgan finds a way to capitalize on this.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Colin Cowherd: THF Superfriend #2

This is Anubis Taylor and ESPN Radio's Colin Cowherd after what looks like a hard night of drinking, for Taylor especially (which it was). Whether or not his show is entertaining (it is) or you need a lobotomy to remove the part of your brain that repeats Cowherd saying Vizio over and over again in your head (I do), he is awesome for one thing above all else:
(Quote) Stephen A is a cool guy.
Nothing more needs to be said (Drop mic and exit stage right).

Monday, November 17, 2008

You Shouldn't Brag When Your Mascot Is The FTD Florist Guy

A Golden State Warrior boasting is a recipe for disaster.

People did indeed say these things, Monta Ellis, but how many of these things are now true? You aren't exactly a leader when someone can look at your Yahoo! profile and read, "Ellis is serving a 30-game suspension after sustaining a left ankle injury in an offseason moped accident." Leaders drive Harleys...followers use Segways and Mopeds.

Plus, the Warriors have come back to earth this year. They are 4-6 and already 4 games back in in their own division despite the fact that teams have only played 4 games. Honestly, there is nothing I like more than hearing a person boast egomaniacally in an ad and then watch as they fall from grace in a most spectacular fashion. Having a Golden State Warrior boast after one good year is like watching Gargamel celebrate after catching a know it's just going to get away from them in the end.

Now that I've said my piece, please enjoy the smooth listening sounds of someone who took the NBA on NBC song and made it sound like a video game. I love technology.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Ray Allen Is A Cheater, And Other Warm Sentiments From The Celtics

I stumbled across this video on Youtube while looking for the newest Watchmen trailer (how amazing does THAT movie look?), and have to say that it brightened my day. After seeing how completely laid back and ridiculous Hornets practices are, it came as no surprise to me that the Celtics don't seem to take themselves that seriously either (well...the non-KG members, that is). A little one-on-one with Gollum and Jesus Shuttlesworth is just what the doctor ordered. Have a good weekend, folks.

This Story Has Been Getting John Rogers Laid Every Night For 5 Years

That rumored video of a CEO beating Jordan in a 1-on-1 game at Jordan's Flight School has finally made it to the web thanks to the Wall Street Journal. CEO or not, this guy has carte blanche anywhere he goes now and if anyone ever gives him crap he can just say, "I beat MJ so F you!"

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Donte Greene Thinks He Sees a Nipple

I'm not too sure what was going down at the opposite end of the court, but its obviously pleasing to Donte Greene's eyes. Maybe it's Megan Fox, Adrienne Bailon's tattooed ass, or maybe he is simply the last man on earth besides A-Rod that thinks Madonna's hot.

THF Welcomes New Sponsor: OnlineSeats.Com!

The Howeva Files is extremely proud to welcome sponsor OnlineSeats.Com!

We have been holding out a while now for a sponsor that worked well with our sports-related nature, and now you dear readers have a place to purchase game tickets from the site.  Just click on their link on our sidebar.  OnlineSeats.Com also sells a good number of Broadway show tickets, so if you are perusing our site and forget that it's your wife's anniversary/wife's birthday/wife's mother's birthday/forgot to pick your wife up from the bus station, you can remedy that with a swift click of your mouse.

We at THF are fiercely loyal to sponsors and fans, so we will get to work on those "Using Ticketmaster and StubHub depletes the O-Zone layer t-shirts".  In the meantime, feel free to peruse OnlineSeats.Com. 

Monday, November 10, 2008

Chris Kaman Calls Out The Mavs

It's rough to be an NBA team in this "win now" culture. -It's even tougher when you have some beastly creature calling you out.
That's right, your and my favorite supermodel Chris Kaman just told the Mavericks that their team isn't among the elite. To further stir the pot, Kaman claims that Dirk Nowitzki said he doesn't believe in the Mavs either. I am quite shocked at this whole development. -Not because the Mavs are being labelled an also-ran, but because this means that Kaman speaks. I always assumed him a quiet destructive force, like Frankenstein.
Normally, I would feign disinterest in this whole matter, but the Mavs are friend of the site Rick Carlisle's now. This throws any open mind I would have on a matter completely out of the window and almost makes me offended that anyone would question Rick's coaching. I would run into a burning building if Rick were inside and in trouble, for crissakes! (Note: I would not do this.) He's my BOY!
Eh, to tell the truth, I won't even have to do anything. Rick Carlisle is like Chuck Norris and the Bounty Paper Towel Guy all rolled into one, but with more firepower. Once you besmirch his name, you just open yourself a world of hurt. Nice knowing you, Kaman.


Sunday, November 9, 2008

Wow...What A Completely Unscripted Youtube Moment.

By now a lot of you have seen the video with Carmelo Anthony cutting his hair because he lost a video game.  For those of you that haven't, here ya go:

I work in television, so I'm used to getting a lot of crap put in front of my face on a daily basis, and I can say that this is easily one of the most contrived and premeditated videos I've seen in a long time.  Carmelo has his hair out of its dreds while playing, seemingly ready for a haircut JUST IN CASE.  Also, and I suppose this is a smidgeon obvious, they had someone filming the damn thing with what looks like a pretty quality camera...just, you know, IN CASE he lost.  Furthermore, with female guest appearances and an amazingly clean apartment for a "Don't Snitch" young guy, this thing may as well have been shot on a sound stage.  I kept waiting for a boom mike to fall in from the top of the screen.

This, my dear friends, is one of the few shortcomings of Youtube.  Along with that annoying "Kobe jumping over a car" clip, people are starting to use the site as a means to put up "candid" videos that really just are put out by their PR people.  For the most part this sucks, so I call upon the NBA PR folks and agents to start putting out some FUNNY contrived Youtube clips.

My idea: Andrei Kirilenko doing a "complete spontaneous" lumberjack competition with fireworks and supermodels.  -And that idea is pro-bono, folks.  The rest will cost ya.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Happy 1000th Win, Gramps!

Jerry Sloan, the guy I REPEATEDLY pick to win coach of the year (and never does), just got his 1,000th win tonight. This makes me very happy as Jerry Sloan acts a lot like a kind grandfather-type guy to the press, and you almost want to give him a hug, a cardigan, and a bag of Werther's Original Butterscotch Candies.

I'm sure to his players he is a foul-mouthed, tempermental coach who is great at Xs and Os and doesn't really have much patience when it comes to mistakes, but who cares? At least on camera he sounds like something grandma would pat affectionately on the shoulder:

Listen to those good-natured chuckles. Someone get this guy a "my grandchildren love me" t-shirt, because dammit...we do.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Chicago Advances to Second Round of NBA Hair Championship

Overshadowing the individual efforts of Amare Stoudamire and Tony Parker last night was the Showdown of Chevelure between the Chicago Bulls and Cleveland Cavaliers. After both Joakim Noah and Anderson Varejao were carried off in a stretcher early in the third quarter when their locks got tangled together, Drew Gooden's mutton chops and wormy goatee took over and closed out the squad from the Mistake By The Lake.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The Knicks Have Won Their Second Game...Before January!

Yes, Knicks fans, your team is 2-2 with a win against the Bobcats tonight. I know there have been a decent amount of Knicks-centric posts around here lately, but when a team seems to actually be playing better and they happen to be something in ol' Isiah's wake, it is a MAJOR accomplishment.

The win came despite what can only be a "Quentin Richardson-esque" night from Quentin Richardson, with him shooting 1-9 with 6 turnovers. In my minds eye Q-Rich spent this game attempting to shoot with only his left hand, one eye closed, and Michelle Obama's dress on (ooh a political joke! I'm so topical!)

There are many potential reasons behind this turnaround, but as loyal reader Carrie points out, it all always comes back to Q-Tip:

You can imagine D'Antoni bobbing his head to this as he ignores Stephon Marbury's attempts to bribe him into a game with a pair of his shoes.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Knicks Sign God Shamgod Just To Screw With Marbury Some More

The ongoing soap opera that is the New York Knicks just got steamier as the franchise has doubled its efforts to make their head-tattooing, hometown hero and former all-star point guard, Stephon Marbury, bat-shit crazy by signing God Shamgod.
COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HOOOAH, Knicks president Donnie Walsh explained at a press conference while spitting out a tobacco-ravaged lung on the podium.
Marbury's agent later read a statement explaining that his client despite this latest setback continues to stand by his claim on Mike'd Up that he'll average "like 10 points. Like 12-13 dimes. Like 2-3 assists but he shoots to win because he shoots to win. Kudos to Isiah Thomas!"

Monday, November 3, 2008

How To Crapify Your Teams 101

Unless you are hiding under a rock (my apologies to Malcolm X, whom plymouth rock landed upon), you've heard that the Pistons and Nuggets struck a deal today. Yeppers, Allen Iverson is going to Detroit in exchange for Chauncey Billups, Antonio McDyess, and prospect Cheikh Samb. On a side note, Cheikh Samb is totally what I'm naming my first born child.

A lot of people are scratching their heads at this trade, wondering exactly how it will benefit either squad. Tonight, The Howeva Files proudly grades this trade by explaining precisely how it will help both teams: It won't.

Denver Nuggets grade: D

Despite getting some depth here in McDyess, the Nuggets just gave away their top scorer. Billups is great for assists, but who will Melo look to to bail his ass out points-wise when he decides to start clunking bricks off of the backboard? Better start lifting some weights, Anthony Carter.

To make matters worse, Denver fans are really losing faith in this Nuggets team and taking away the star power of Iverson in exchange for two lesser knowns will hit the ticket office. -Not at first, but eventually. Cue George Karl wearing a midriff with a blonde wig to get some publicity.

Detroit Pistons grade: F

I reeeeeeeally have to apologize in advance for this easy analogy, but like a car the Pistons have operated the past few years as a fine oiled machine. Every player fills his niche, which powers the engine to keep pounding out wins. Now they have disrupted the whole thing by chucking a big scorer on a team that spreads the wealth and prides itself on playing turnover-free basketball. You can almost see Flip Saunders laughing and blowing cigar smoke rings in the air between shifts of cleaning the aisles in a movie theater.

To make matters worse, McDyess is one of those guys who quietly contributes when you need him to. You can't have too many bench guys like that, and that will be felt when Rasheed decides to start bashing skulls when his adrenaline runs wild in the playoffs. You could tell that Joe Dumars was feeling some pressure to shake things up, and this was his best option. He should just thank his lucky stars no one had Stephon Marbury in any sort of deal or we'd have Skip Bayless trying to defend the poop end of THAT deal.

Both teams will make the playoffs, and like most teams that shake things up they both will experience success early, but over time this deal will find a way to make solid (or in the case of Denver- shaky) formulas worse. I just hope I'm there when Sheed realizes this and tears Iverson's head from his body. -If for nothing else to hear Marv Albert wax nostalgic about his bedroom proclivities.

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