Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Cam Newton Ruled Ineligible After Receiving Store Credit

This afternoon the NCAA ruled that Auburn QB, Cam Newton, is ineligible for the BCS National Championship Game on January 10th in Glendale, Arizona after an investigation revealed that he had received improper benefits. On December 27th, the Heisman award winner allegedly returned a Blu-ray copy of the Will Ferrel comedy,"The Other Guys", he had received as a gift on Christmas for a store credit.
"I had already gotten it for myself on the day it came out," Newton said in a tersely written statement to the press. "I know what I did was unethical and was against the rules. I just didn't understand what I would do with two discs of the same movie."
CORRECTION: Newton has now been declared eligible after it was revealed that his daddy returned the Blu-ray. Cecil was later seen driving his rocket car that was paid for by school boosters to get his son to play at Auburn, but that's OK. Everything is alright, everyone! False alarm.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Clink some glasses of eggnog, dream of sugarplums (whatever the hell those are), and spend the rest of the night puking up eggnog and sugarplums because THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE! WOOOOOOOO! PRESENTS! YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh........h!!!

The Zombies Can Dunk crew wishes you the very best of holiday wishes and thanks you for a fantastic year that has brought in a new website name (goodbye "The Howeva Files"), a new podcast, a new site design, a new twitter account, and a newfound respect for how friggin' hard it is to manage all the stuff I just wrote. Seriously I think I lost many years off my lifespan doing all that.

Next year we are going to be starting off with a bang that includes more posts, many with longer content. That's right, we are hoping to increase the length and girth, ahem, of the site.

In the meantime, we hope you have a wonderful, "mistletoe on your zipper" holiday, and just a reminder that no matter what you did to embarrass yourself during your company holiday party this year, in a very short amount of time it will be 2011 and the slate will be wiped clean. -Unless you slept with the boss. In that case you probably just got a raise. Cheers!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

ZCD Podcast Episode 002: "Happy Holidays!"

In episode 2, Ben Morse joins Jordan and Taylor to discuss all of the wacky aspects of the holidays! Also, the gang plays "HooAh or Hate" with decorating trees, Christmas music, and wish lists! Enjoyable commentary to talk you off the ledge if you discover your mommy kissing Santa Claus!!!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Transformers 3 Trailer Cometh Out: Sucketh

I am an enormous Transformers fan. I have many of the original damn things from 1984 scattered around my room in their original boxes. I am, if anyone, the target demographic for this movie. That said, I could not stop from burying my head in my hands while watching this trailer and think Michael Bay is pure evil.

Did Walter Cronkite's family okay the use of his image in this? Is it possible that they saw what was completed of this trailer, and said, "Well, Grandpa's memory has to live on in some meaningful way, so this HAS to be good. WAIT. OMG. THERE IS A TRANSFORMER WITH A MOUSTACHE AT THE END?!?!?! WHERE DO WE SIGN?!"

Ah but to be a fly in that board meeting, when the writers came in and said that the movie begins with what WASN'T broadcast during the historic moon landing. That Neil Armstrong and Buzz kept a secret like gigantic hulking robot transformer thingies on the moon under their hat for decades, even after retirement, for their own unexplained reasons. That the ancestor of the transformers was somewhere on the moon, idling, and it wasn't until they came to life that the whole series began in what would be a mind-bleep of Megan Fox in too-small outfits, the ruination of John Turturro's career, and dogs humping each other for cheap laughs. -Oh yeah, and the main character's mom wandering around a campus stoned. Surely THIS is how all of that was meant to have started.

As a transformers fan, this third one is going to be the hardest one to justify seeing yet. Gone is ZCD favorite lady Megan Fox, replaced with a skinny model that looks like a Tree Ent from Lord of the Rings. Gone are Jazz and Jetfire, two of the my favorite characters from my childhood that Michael Bay ruined by making one an old guy and the other an overtly racist character. Replacing those things are a promise, and this is straight from Bay's mouth, of "less characters, more focus on the story". That always works well for sequels, Mike.

It's just a shame that such a great franchise has been turned into something that has moviegoers saying in their seats, "Oh cool! A movie about the moon landing! Wait. Crap. Another poop vehicle for Michael Bay. When does this trailer end?"

If you need me, I'll be sulking in my decepticons hat.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Gary Neal Has Imaginary Friends

Ghosts give the best high fives.

Slim witted and alone is no excuse for not getting a high five or two.

Zombies Can Dunk Podcast Now Available In Itunes And Zune

This is a Munchkin Mayor Adult Costume, similar to the one mentioned in the podcast. I really, really want this costume for everyday use.

As the title would have you believe, the Zombies Can Dunk Podcast is now available in the Itunes Store and Zune Marketplace!

It's got voices! It's got a fancy image that pops up on your ipod when you subscribe! It's got...well the voices and image are pretty much it.

It is free to subscribe, as we somehow resisted the urge to charge millions to make your ears bleed.

Click on the handy dandy new subscribing link on the site (it is to the right of this message) to subscribe and listen to our very first podcast and the thousands that are sure to follow. We are going to try to get into an "every other week" groove for posting new podcasts, and only time will tell if we are unsuccessful or horribly unsuccessful at maintaining that.


Tuesday, November 30, 2010

ZCD Podcast Episode 001: "Costumes Aplenty!"

The Zombies Can Dunk Podcast is officially here! In episode 1: Jordan and Taylor discuss costumes, NBA Jerseys, and play "HooAh or Hate" with mall santas and Spiderman!!!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Nic Cage Is A Good Actor

This video of Nic Cage's freakouts in movies proves to me that he is the best actor of this or any era.

Zombies Can Dunk podcast coming soon! Get ready to hear our ugly voices in your ear!

Friday, October 29, 2010


Holy cow!!!! The San Francisco Giants are up on the Texas Rangers 2-0 in the World Series.

This is not what I am "Holy Cow"-ing about. Check out this clip taken in a San Fran-area McDonalds yesterday. It is mayhem the likes of which I have never seen. The most epic moment is when the gigantic towel-wearing guy starts throwing people around like they are store mannequins (at the 1:50 minute mark).

These Giants fans are obviously upset that I went with the Bengals as my "orange and black" HCW team yesterday. Sheesh. I WAS going to go to McDonalds today to get one of their Halloween McBoo pails today, but now I may steer clear. I am too finely-groomed and classy for such uncouth behavior.

Oh yeah, and Happy Halloween everyone!!!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

F This Town

I be pissed. Reading the article below, I had the opposite reaction to Ernie Hudson's "I love this town!" proclamation at the end of Ghostbusters (highlighted in this post title). What could get me so rankled on the happiest of weeks, my beloved Halloween week? What could grind the gears of a guy so blissfully covered from head to toe in orange and black apparel, including socks with little skulls on them ($5 at Target) as he writes this? How about some town outlawing anyone over 12 from trick or treating?

Mayor Mark Eckhert of Belleville, Ill., says he's heard a ton of complaints from frightened single mothers and senior citizens who are less than happy about the “6-foot-tall kids” that ring their doorbells on Halloween. His solution: To create an ordinance banning high-school teenagers—that is, anyone over the age of 12—from trick-or-treating.

"When I was a kid my father said to me, 'You're too damn big to be going trick or-treating. You're done,’" Eckhert told ABC News. "When that doesn't happen, then that's reason for the city governments to intervene."

Intervening, in this case, means putting an age limit on trick-or-treaters, and threatening the over-12 set with a $100 fine for those who ignore the law—though, according to ABC, that fine has rarely, if ever, been actually meted out. And while some residents of Belleville have complained about the ordinance, it seems that many more are relieved. Trick-or-treat age limits have also been popular in townships in South Carolina, Mississippi, Maryland, and Virginia.
This is infuriating, and akin to banning dancing in Footloose. This Ebenezer Scrooge with political power is telling residents that the moment they hit their teens they are no longer allowed to celebrate the holiday in its most pure form. Sure, we adults pretty much go nuts and drink ourselves silly on Halloween, but what is the 13-20 year old to do? That's right...they will be forced to hit the bottle early, something that will no doubt make their parties devolve into orgies of violence and, well, orgies.

As someone who trick or treated in the surrounding neighborhood before partying on Halloween in college (yes, I really did that...it was hilarious and majestic), I am calling for the residents of Belleville, Illinois to rise up and overtake Mayor Eckhert like the zombies he wishes to outlaw. -Not the adults, but rather an unholy army of 4-8 year olds, doing so after ringing his doorbell.

In my mind's eye the kids would try to tear him to pieces, only to have the Mayor saved by a passing adult in a ghost costume. This would surely cause him to see the error of his ways, and make it MANDATORY for all residents to trick or treat on Halloween.

How would this work if everyone is out trick or treating and no one is home to answer the doors? What would prevent burglaries? I have no idea...that's the Mayor's job to figure out. I'm an idea man, not a logistics man. Duh.

Let's get on this.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Walking Dead Premieres On TV This Week

It's Halloween week, the bestest week of them all! Yipeeeee!

I am loading up on candy, decorations, pumpkin-scented candles, Halloween-themed Pop Tarts, Ghost Dots, Frankenberry, Count Chocula, pumpkin beer, pumpkin coffee, Halloween-packaged Doritos and Cheetos, and last, but DEFINITELY not least, a Halloween Boglin named "Blobkin".

Punctuating this amazing week is the premiere of The Walking Dead on AMC this Sunday (Halloween night). If you are not aware, The Walking Dead is based off of a graphic novel about life within a post-apocalyptic Zombie world. Although that is an old concept, the graphic novel did a fantastic job of getting in the minds of how people would react in times of extreme duress. Think lots of people making that scrunched, terrified face, like you no doubt did when you first saw the internet Brett Favre penis photos.

Make sure you tune in and check back in to this site, as Zombies Can Dunk will no doubt be reviewing episodes with a special undead flair. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to figure out a way to get batteries in a 6 foot animatronic Crypt Keeper.

Happy Halloween week everyone!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Back To The Future II Stuff Is Coming

For some unknown reason I've been thinking about Back To The Future II lately.

As a movie, BTTF2 gave toy-obsessed kids such as myself a cornucopia of bright, shiny objects to lust over that didn't exist. It sucked that the novel products, concepts and ways of life featured in the movie weren't within the nation's grasp. The closest we've come is a sports team in Miami (coincidentally my favorite team?) and me pouring Coca-Cola into my car's gas tank with horrendous results.

But lo! What do we have here?

Shoes that tie themselves?! THAT is most definitely on the short list of things I wanted from the movie as a kid. It would have saved me hours of screaming at my shoes that they are good-for-nothing slackers when I was 7 years old. Want.

A conversation about coveted items in BTTF2 would be nothing without...(insert crescendo of music)...the holy grail itself, the hoverboard (cymbal crash). As a serious longboarder and half-assed surfer, determining if my life is a success is completely tied into someone inventing this damn thing. Screw UFOs, cures for sicknesses, and ways to feed the hungry...humanity needs a hoverboard.

Ignoring the ridiculous homemade hoverboards people have made that are about the size of a Buick, and focusing on something that LOOKS and PERFORMS somewhat like the real thing, I present the most forward-thinking artist I've seen in a while: Nils Guadagnin.

It's almost impossible to not watch that previous video while humming the opening bars of "I'm Walking On Sunshine". With so much of this great stuff from Marty McFly's future coming true, all we can do is look to the sky and pray that Jaws 19 is released soon.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Wow Those Afternoon Thunderstorms Look Interesting...

I have no idea what the correlation is between weather forecasts and the male anatomy. It's a legit phenomenon. You do a search on the internet and there are countless videos and photos of wangs and dongs and doodles appearing on the weather portions of news broadcasts.

Is it mother nature proclaiming her true sex? Maybe it's the atmosphere's admittance that even it is not above using the pun "watering the flowers"?

Whatever it is, I'm officially giving a sideways glance to people who say they "love the weather channel"...read between the lines with those folks from here on out.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Hey! A Commercial That Doesn't Suck!

Russians have always been inherently funny to me. They are just a funny people (when they aren't threatening to nuke us or supplying nukes to terrorists...but besides that...).


-I'm convinced Natasha on Rocky and Bullwinkle would have been a waste if not for that accent.

-Ivan Drago is easily the most memorable Rocky villain. Screw you, Apollo, I'm in a decade long training routine to one day be Drago for halloween.

-Just LOOK at this big-eyed guy during one of Vladamir Putin's press conferences. He has become an internet sensation, nicknamed Glazastik (literally "big-eyed guy" in Russian). Go to the 0:37 mark in this video:

Where am I going with this? I was watching television the other day and was fast-forwarding through the commercials, as usual, but saw something weird for a split second and rewound to see it. It turned out to be a DirectTV commercial, and I actually found it pretty darn entertaining. I don't normally enjoy commercials that others find funny (that "Yes I am" Budweiser guy was the worst...it made me question being an American), but this one was interesting enough and had some of that humorous Russian flavor.

See? Told you Russians were funny. If you're a Russian and reading this, don't be offended at me finding you funny. I'm Lithuanian, which used to be part of Russia, and laugh at my reflection every time I look at it.

-Primarily because I'm making this face at myself.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

This Image Made The Nerd In Me Smile

I try as much as possible to quell the inner nerd in me. I want to live my life acting as much as possible like Ogre from Revenge Of The Nerds, screaming and beating up anyone with glasses and a degree in information technology.

That said, sometimes I can't help myself. This image made me happy.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Video Of A Guy Dunking Over 7 People...WHOA IT'S MAC TONIGHT!

Watching this video of 6 foot 3 Pepperdine college player Keion Bell dunk over seven people made me giddy (even though he DID push off of that one guy for leverage). Not because it was an amazing feat...I literally yawned while watching him do it...but rather because of the mascot that jumps out afterward and captures my eyes and attention from then on:

It's some sort of smiling wave thingy with sunglasses, which I suppose is the official mascot of Pepperdine, named Willie The Wave:

"Oh, Pepperdine has an interesting mascot" was not what I blurted out. What I DID blurt out was "WHOA, IT'S MAC TONIGHT!" I almost leaped out of my seat. As the adrenaline slowly wore off I was able to take in more of the character and noticed subtle differences. The character was blue, not white. His hair had many points, not just one. Most apparently, he was dressed like a down-and-out stoner, and not a well-to-do businessman. Still, the likeness was there, and suddenly I find Pepperdine a lot more interesting.

Mac Tonight, in case you are under the age of 14 or have been living in a bunker, was an amazing short-lived mascot for McDonalds that advertised the fact that they were open late. His name was a bizarre collage of Big Macs, nighttime, and the swing-era song "Mack The Knife". This alone makes him glorious. The fact that he had an enormous crescent moon head with sunglasses and had toys designed after him is what TRULY had him win our hearts. I want to be in that board meeting where some marketing exec had the balls to say, "I have a way for us to sell more burgers: a creepy albino with a moon for a head that sings songs that were popular 50 years ago."

Honestly, while I am happy that Willie The Wave has kept alive the memory of the now deceased Mac Tonight (cause of death: end of advertising campaign/crushed to death under weight of his own head), all he really accomplishes is making us long for the original.

Mac Tonight, if you are reading this, I hope you are in heaven playing that piano on a cloud, still inexplicably catering to children with 8pm bedtimes and telling them that McDonalds is open until 2am.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Patience Is Spelled F-r-a-n-c-e-s-a

I applaud Mike Francesa of WFAN for this call. There is nothing I hate more than people who are slow story tellers. If I had an action figure, it would come with the ability to do that circular hand motion that tells people "let's get on with it" (and karate kicking motion for the resultant dirty looks I draw).

Topping it off is the customary "Hey, how's it going" from the caller, which most radio callers absentmindedly do. Let me let you in on a secret: they don't care how you are doing when they say that. It is obvious they are just using that time to organize their thoughts before speaking...something that could be done before the call or perhaps during the 80 hours they are on hold.

Look, it's not that I'm impatient, but rather that my time is just so much more important than everyone else's. The sooner the world can see this, the better off the world will be. Look for those two last sentences on my campaign poster when I run for President in 2012.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

My Favorite Image Of The Chilean Miners Rescue

Subway Surfing: Both Idiotic And Completely Awesome

After watching the video below I have an over/under of 3 people in the next 5 years trying this and getting killed. Morons. If I hear a person stomping around on the ceiling of my subway ride, I'm going to get out a bag of popcorn and wait for the geyser of blood and guts to rain from the windows. As a person with no children and thus no responsibility, I can only encourage this in order to provide entertainment for myself while I shuffle off to work:

Seriously one of the dumbest and most thrilling things I have seen someone do in a long time. If you see this guy punch him in the face and then shake his hand on a job well done.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Hot Cheerleader Wednesday: Texans Cheerleader Randi Brady

NFL parity is making it tough for any team to stand out above the others. Right now most of the teams in the league are 2-3 or 3-2, so any sort of competitive advantage is key. For this reason...we need cheerleaders to tell us who is really the best.

That's my logic. I see no flaws in it.

Based on cheerleaders alone, the Houston Texans would win the next 80 super bowls. Whenever their team is televised on the east coast, I get dozens of texts from friends saying things like, "Look how hot the Texans cheerleaders are" and "Wait...the Houston Texans have a football team? Are those the guys running around behind the beautiful dancing women?"

It's like the team looked elsewhere in the state, saw the Cowboys cheerleaders, and decided the only way they could top them was to genetically engineer women in a lab. It is a miracle of science and probably cost millions.

Kicking off this trend of Texan beauty is a lady by the name of Randi Brady (who has since left the team to go on to modeling...shocker). She is the original gangsta who made the collective eyes of America shift to the Texans, much like this fatty in the black shirt is doing here:

Randi was even named "Hottest Cheerleader in the NFL" by Maxim a while back, which seems a good barometer for attractiveness (Maxim also brought our attention to Miami Dolphin favorite Lilly Robbins). The fact that Texans fans were looking elsewhere in the stadium to take their eyes off of the piss-poor David Carr-led product on the field must have helped her exposure.

Anyways, here are some images of Randi Brady for your Wednesday enjoyment:

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

James Wisniewski Gives The International Sign For "I Love Popsicles!"

Ol' Small Hands Has Still Got It

Alex Smith, the QB who had the fun privilege of having his small hands pointed out to every NFL fan in America before he was drafted by the 49ers, continues to continue his upward climb to super stardom in the NFL.


Replace "continues to continue his upward climb to super stardom in the NFL" with "plummet to the depths of horrible QB play hell".

Fans booing is inherently hilarious, but them booing AND chanting that they want perennial loser David Carr is a masterpiece. While the 49ers are for the most part a horrifically boring team to watch this year, this clip makes this game look like one I'm sad to have missed.

Monday, October 11, 2010

This Guy Has My Vote

I try not to get involved with political discussions, which in my opinion always go hand-in-hand with anger, close-mindedness, and stupidity. I'd rather talk sports and entertainment, which involve all three of those same qualities but won't result in things like having abortions or segregating schools (See? Just writing that last sentence made me hate politics even more. Let's debate the coolness of the Jets logo).

Sometimes though, I find exceptions. Take this guy, for example: Jimmy McMillan. He is a member of the "Rent Is 2 Damn High Party", which is as amazing as it sounds and is something I can firmly get behind. I used to live in Manhattan until, guess what? That's right, the rent got 2 damn high (with an emphasis on "2").

I love his quotes, like "As I've always said, if you can stand the heat in the kitchen, COME ON!". He is a blend of Mr. T, Kenny Rogers, and animal from The Muppet Show...and for this reason alone he should be president one day.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Hot Cheerleader Wednesday: DALLAS COWBOYS EDITION

First off: Yes, I know it is Friday. This is besides the point.

With this site growing more popular, I decided to look at what the constituency was actively checking out on the website. Zombies Can Dunk is nothing if not a voice of the people.

Wouldn't you know it? Most seem to like Hot Cheerleader Wednesday as our most popular segment. Perverts.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist or a penis photo of Brett Favre to know that the public, especially the internet public, likes to see a little skin here and there. It is natural. It is part of our DNA. It is the only reason anyone even knows the name "Kelly Brook".

Thus, why wait until Wednesday to have some fun? Nay, I say that is is the right of the PEOPLE to get what they DESERVE! -and what they deserve is pictures of cheerleaders to help them get through the drudgery of another Friday and start the weekend out on a good note, dammit! This is America! Roar!

Nothing says America (for better and for worse) more than the Dallas Cowboys, so this HCW is devoted to the starred pom poms within the harem of creepy Jerry Jones.

Seeing these cheerleaders day in and day out, then abruptly NOT seeing them, would drive anyone to abuse heavy amounts of drugs. This is why Michael Irvin's behavior makes way more sense than anyone else on his team.


Zombies Can Dunk Copyright 2009