Monday, December 28, 2009

Del Negro: The Easter Bunny Is Real and I Won't Be Fired

And I don't look like Luke Wilson.

Yes You Do

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Happy Holidays From THF!

Happy Holidays to you and yours from us at THF!

Happy Holidays From Zombies Can Dunk!

Zombies Can Dunk wants to wish you and your family a very happy holiday this year. Stop reading this site and go drink some damn eggnog!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Once-Obsessed NFL Analysts Now Ready To Ignore Saints

BRISTOL, Connecticut - NFL analysts at ESPN headquarters received a memo from ESPN management today calling for a cease and desist of all Saints talk now that they have lost a single game. The New Orleans team that were once labelled nationwide as "The Best Team In NFL History" will now be only spoken about in hushed tones or, according to the words in the memo, by cocky analysts such as Merril Hoge with the words, "Hey, everybody, just because they lost a game don't sleep this team!" The words will also be then echoed by Merril Hoge's increasingly obvious toupee (pictured, left).

The memo said not one analyst should in any way reference how they supported the Saints in irritating fashion until now, nor should they in any way reference predictions they all made that the Saints would be the NFL's first team since the 1972 Dolphins to have a perfect season. Workers in the Bristol offices are feverishly erasing any such taped speeches.

The memo ended by calling for analysts to start overwhelming "The Colts Are The Best Team In NFL History" talk. Such talk will be started today, with analyst Mark Schlereth complimenting the girth of Colts QB Peyton Manning's penis.

Friday, December 18, 2009

NBA Lookalikes = Fun

I have an addiction. Some could argue that I am obsessed with NBA trade rumors, sometimes liking them even more than the game itself, but that isn't it. I could have an addiction like gambling (well...I do plan on taking a look at some nba basketball betting lines over the holidays...perhaps doing some online sports book wagering too...) but nay.

My addiction is celebrity lookalikes.

Coming across this on Youtube, I couldn't help but giggle and watch it roughly 50 times. Enjoy.

Mike Shanahan To Change Logo If Named Redskins Coach

WASHINGTON D.C., District of Colombia - Mike Shanahan, formerly coach of the Denver Broncos, reportedly is entertaining talks with the Redskins for their head coaching position. Much of his interest has come from a kinship he has felt with the Redskins logo, which he will alter slightly to the revised logo (seen above) if he is named coach.
"One day I took a close look at the Redskins logo and saw a stern, annoyed-looking, wrinkled, sunburnt man on those helmets. It was like looking in a mirror. That ponytail thing even looks like that obnoxious microphone I wear that makes me look like a Nascar pit-crew member." Shanahan said. "If I take over as Redskins coach, I will remake this team in my image and that starts with the logo."
If named coach, Shanahan's next order of business is rumored to be trading for former Broncos QB Jay Cutler. "Sure, I'd love to work with Jay once again, but only if a deal can come cheaply and efficiently. -And if the Bears throw in those sweet smallpox-covered blankets."

Thursday, December 17, 2009

If Wu Tang Members Were NBA Players

Much respect to the for the morphs...simply amazing. Follow the link if you want to see more of "if Wu Tang Clan members were cast, personality and looks-wise, by NBA players"

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Chris Dudley To Run For Governor Of Oregon On Platform Of Chest Hair, Fouling Out and Poor Free Throw Shooting

Because we all can relate to a 6'11" Yale alum with a 16 year NBA career.

No One Gives A Crap About Halladay-Lee Deal

BRISTOL, Connecticut - At the offices of ESPN, talking heads have been droning nonstop about the Halladay for Lee deal in baseball. Words have been tossed around like "historic", "breath-taking" and "explosive" to describe the trade that would exchange Cy Young Award winners. Peter Gammons ripped his own face off to show how something even as big as an old man ripping his own face off would pale in comparison to how incredible a trade this was.

A recent man-on-the-street poll has roughly 96% of Americans not even sure who the hell Cliff Lee and Roy Halladay are and don't watch baseball anymore. The remaining percentage constitutes 2% who are baseball fans for teams not involved in the trade, 2% who are fans of the teams but see the trade as a wash, and 1% who are actually Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee.

ESPN writer Rob Neyer wrote for the Mariners "This is, quite frankly, a heist." Yahoo Sports writer Jeff Passan wrote, "The biggest baseball trade in almost 2 years is a few dots, crosses and passport stamps from completion."

In a related note, ESPN and Yahoo have seen a drop in viewers during the Halladay-Lee coverage, down 999% from the Tiger Woods coverage. The remaining 1% were people wondering if Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee were the names of people who slept with Tiger Woods.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Wade Is Great At Imitations

Gotta love a good Shaq imitation:

Chicago White Sox Acquire Talented Rap Star

CHICAGO, Illinois - The Chicago White Sox have traded with the Dodgers to acquire rapper Juan Pierre. No Illinois tour dates have been scheduled as of the announcement. The move is viewed as a major blow to the West Coast rap scene.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Our First Hockey Post!

I know NOTHING about hockey since the Whalers left when I was too young to notice, so this is what you get from me for our first hockey post: Randy Moller goal calls. He's the radio announcer for the Florida Panthers, which is not something that one should brag about, but he immediately follows the amazing Dan LeBatard Show With Stugotz from which he takes suggestions on what to scream during goal calls to excite an otherwise bored fan base in Miami. I'm going to shut up now and let you enjoy...

After Loss, Raiders Coach Tom Cable Beats Crap Out Of Self, Others

OAKLAND, California - After the Raiders 34-13 loss to the Redskins yesterday, Tom Cable, noted already under investigation by the league for alleged physical abuse against former Raiders assistant Randy Hanson and mistreatment of his wives, beat the living crap out of himself.

The pudgy, bulldog-looking coach showed up for Monday practice with a swollen lip and multiple black and blues on his face. He was still foaming at the mouth, and hit a number of inanimate objects (including, but not limited to, Raiders WR bust Darrius Heyward-Bey).

"I think coach might have an anger management problem", said RB Justin Fargas, shortly before his head was separated from his body by Cable. Immediately following the decapitation by Cable, a booming voice filled the practice facility. It was believed to be crazy Radiers owner Al Davis, who had seen the crime and had said over a microphone the word, "Fatality!"

Friday, December 11, 2009

Ward To Media: "Despite Loss, I Will Remain Obnoxious"

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania - The Steelers suffered a crushing blow to their playoff chances from the Cleveland Browns last evening, losing by the baseball score of 13-6.

Despite this loss, and likely end to playoff talk in Pittsburgh, Hines Ward has courageously maintained he will remain an obnoxious jackass.

"This team thrives on my ability to call out our QB who has won two Super Bowls, give the opposing team bulletin board material, and produce illegal hits that shifts negative media attention to us. Just because we are likely eliminated from the playoffs, who am I to stop producing in that way for our team?", said Ward on Friday. "Being an asshole is in my DNA. It has been since that first kid on the playground made that asian chopstick joke at me and I kicked his ass. I don't plan to stop now." Ward then spit on a 7-year old girl that happened to be wearing the color brown.

Tomlin praised Ward's resilience: "Speaking as someone that simply inherited a Super Bowl team that Bill Cowher built, and have subsequently crashed into the rocks, I feel a kinship with others that talk with a sense of entitlement and cockiness. Ward's ability to be a dick cannot be replaced on this team." Tomlin then punched the 10th person who had asked for his autograph as actor Omar Epps during the Q & A session.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

76ers Out Of Ideas On How To Win, To Attempt Only Full-Court Shots

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania - After losing several games in a row, and acquiring aged star Allen Iverson, Andre Iguodala and the 76ers have taken the bold step of saying that they will only attempt full-court shots for the rest of the season.

The plan went into action during last night's game against the Nuggets:

The hope is that after making enough of these shots, David Stern and the league will eventually make the full-court shot a 10-point shot...which the 76ers will already be masters of.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Patriots Honor Crappy Teams From Patriots Past With Loss

MIAMI, Florida - Tom Brady and the New England Patriots lost to the Miami Dolphins by the narrowest of margins yesterday, keeping the "throwback" theme of this year's team on track.

"We're really happy that in keeping with the old uniforms, the team could embrace its history by losing in gut-churning fashion. They really knocked this one out of the park. It's so great to have players honoring previous Patriots teams this way", said team owner Robert Kraft.

Tom Brady, the "Golden Boy" who is coupled with a Victoria Secret model, had a horrible 4th quarter collapse. "I was just doing my part to remind people that many of the previous QBs for this team had horrible fortunes. Heck, even I have children with some broad that I was dating and ran away from when I found out she was pregnant. It's my way of reminding people how awful the history of this team is, and hopefully I was successful in that."

When reached for comment, Miami Dolphins LB Joey Porter yelled something unintelligible and punched out a security guard. Many believe this was an homage to "thugs of Miami Dolphins past", including Brian Cox and Cecil Collins.

Friday, December 4, 2009

College Photo Of QB Chad Henne To Star In Dumb & Dumber Sequel

HOLLYWOOD, California - The Farrelly brothers, looking for a star to replace holdout Jim Carrey in a planned Dumb & Dumber sequel, have apparently found their man.

Searching the internet idly for photos of Kyle Orton downing bottles of Jack in college, Peter Farrelly came across a photo of Miami Dolphins quarterback Chad Henne with two ladies on each arm. The photo said "ladies man". The photo said "stud".

The photo also said, "The name's Christmas...Lloyd Christmas".

Negotiations with the soft-spoken quarterback are already underway, and with Jeff Daniels and Lauren Holly already locked up the directing duo plans to begin shooting as early as January 2010.

Reached for comment about the role, Henne spoke to reporters with excitement. "The chance to play a character loved by millions is a dream come true. I've got the mannerisms down, and I'm working on on Carrey's trademark delivery of the line "I like it a-lot" in the first movie. All I need at this point is a chipped tooth...we play the Patriots this week and my offensive line is banged up, so I've got that covered."

New Line Cinema has already released a promotional image for sequel:

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Tiger: I Bang Busty Brunettes Like It's My Job

Now bring me Katy Perry.

Artest Clarifies Remarks on Drinking: "I Was Actually Smoking Opium During Halftime"

New Stuff Happened!

Hey hey hey readers,

Lots of new stuff to discuss!

First and foremost, we created a brand new site entitled "ZOMBIES CAN DUNK. COM"!
ZCD is related to all sports, not just basketball, and is more for our goofy sides regarding sports writing. It also will have live Twitter updates, reader contests, and be updated extremely often. Yippee!

The Howeva Files also got a revamp, with a new logo, new text fonts, and new sponsors. We will still be bringing you that irreverent and pointless basketball news humor that you have grown to know and love. We will also get Ron Artest drunk and writing for us sometime soon we hope.

Thus, now you poor bastards have twice the drivel to sift through. Your welcome!

Woods: Thank Goodness My Wife Courageously Bashed My Face In

ORLANDO, Florida - Tiger Woods spoke at length to reporters today, saying that despite his past transgressions, things have been going well in his family. He also reiterated his wife was not the cause of his car accident, but rather the hero of the moment.

"I would be in bad shape today if I didn't have my loyal wife there that day. Thanks to her taking a 7-iron and repeatedly swinging it into my skull, I was able to get into my car and hit a tree instead of swerving and crashing directly into a house, potentially killing up to 20 people (if they were having a party)", Woods said.

"You all are thinking that because I banged a few luscious brunettes that there is trouble in the Woods household. This could not be further from the truth. I wish everyone had a strong woman in their life, who was capable of taking in their husband during a moment of weakness, cradling him in her arms, and then hammering a blunt metal stick of death into his face. It's nothing short of beautiful."

Woods then saw a passerby with long blonde hair, screamed, and hid in the bushes.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Brook Lopez Falls in Empty Izod Center, Does Not Make a Sound

EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey - Interim New Jersey Nets coach and part-time Metro-North conductor, Tom Barrise, was required to phone in the box score to the local papers this evening after the franchise lost its NBA-record 18th straight game to start its season since no one besides the participants actually witnessed the game.

"We're hoping that adding the blinding star power of Kiki Vandeweghe to our bench and a new line of flashy suits for Eduardo Najera will bring the fans out on Friday night," sighed Barrise. " was so empty tonight that Brook Lopez took a charge in the 2nd quarter and he didn't even make a noise. Hopefully I'll be here next year when our new owner will shower us with Russian hookers."

Mel Kiper Waiting Patiently To Be That Douchebag On Your TV Again

BALTIMORE, Maryland - Mel Kiper, useful to the general public for a few days in April during the NFL draft, is currently at the height of his uselessness.

"I honestly can't wait to infect people's television screens with my holier-than-thou conclusions involving boom-or-bust college players. It's been rough to not pass judgement on anyone in a loud, opinionated, staccato voice. Still, I remain patient and will wait with honor and grace for my chance to be on every screen in America."

Kiper was oblivious to how this statement was full of douchebagginess.

To continue the period, described by many as "Asshole Hibernation", Kiper has taken to adding his insights to everyday topics.

"Today I had a salami sandwich. It was a thin, robust salami, red in complexion and lean in fat and high on taste. It is made in a province in Italy, sliced by the finest craftsmen, and made specifically for consumption by those with discerning tastes. Figuratively, this salami runs a 4.4 40 down my throat and into my belly. Don't give me any of that "bologna" should go #1 on the list of deli meats. Mark my words: Salami will produce. It will produce great taste, and firm stool."

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Tool Academy Contestant Banged Some Golfer

Since the typical extent of my research is getting celebrity gossip from my roommate, I've got the big scoop: Jaimee Grubbs, who is famous for having dated the uber-tool Shawn from Tool Academy until his other girlfriend walked into group therapy (gasp), has also had an affair with some sort of golfer. Or maybe not. I stopped paying attention when I heard the word "golf" and it's hard to hear when you're jumping around and laughing as you continue to celebrate the Saints' win last night.

Said roommate confirmed that the person in the picture below is the lucky athlete (HAHAHAHA...sorry couldn't keep a straight face while calling a golfer an athlete). Tiger Woods? Never heard of him. I bet he's a better Atari player than golfer since every other picture on Google has him wearing a hat with the ship from Yars' Revenge. You can find the whole VD-covered story here. Time to go back to celebrating...WHO DAT?!?!?! WHO DAT?!?!?!?!

Weis Considers Bell-Ringing Job At Original Notre Dame

PARIS, France - In the wake of his firing from the University of Notre Dame, who finished this past season 6-6, several sources are reporting that Charlie Weis will board a private jet to France to sign a lucrative deal with clergy officials to be their bell-ringer through 2013.

"Ever since the death of Quasimodo in the 1830's, our esteemed chapel has been without a tubby, ineffective man to ring our bells. We believe that Charlie Weis, with his immense size, unfortunate countenance, and knowledge of pro-style offensive formations can help us greatly in this area", said Cardinal Emmanuel Delacroix.

Weis has already received much interest in resuming an offensive coordinator post in the NFL, from such teams as the Bills and Chiefs. Weis is unlikely to take them up on their offer. "As one of the biggest geniuses of the NFL, I would like my career to continue its upward trajectory. Taking an offensive coordinator position would be a step backward. At Notre Dame in Paris, I would have control of all recruiting and personnel decisions within the bell tower, and would have ultimate say on play calls regarding how often the big bells get hit over the little ones. Shit, I am even SHAPED like a bell. It's quite an attractive situation."

As Weis left for the airport, his limo was pelted with rotting vegetables from Indiana townsfolk. Weis could be seen pointing at the highway, yelling at his limo driver, "Sanctuary! Sanctuary!"

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