Thursday, July 30, 2009

NBA Live 10 Preview

Update:  THF reader Rhymenocerous (I spelled that completely wrong) just informed me that 2K10 is coming out for the PSP this year.  In short, that means f*** NBA Live.  

-Oh poor NBA were so, so close to being purchased.  This means more ridicule and fun on this site for your franchise.  Woot.


Well, the unthinkable has happened: I've decided to get an NBA Live game. -Specifically, this year's upcoming edition. For you new readers, this is surprising given how many hilarious glitches I've shown on the site the past few years. The combination of Orlando Magic promotion and me not buying a video game for nearly a year (I'm due) did me in.

Here's a first look:

You can tell Vince Carter NEVER expected to be featured again in a video game commercial. There is still time before this title comes out, but unless EA sports finally answers my prayers and comes out with a game called "Run From The Altar: The Richard Jefferson Game", looks like I'm getting NBA Live this year. Reviews to follow.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Analysis: Chanandeler Bong For Okay-For

Today the Bobcats and Hornets swapped big bodies, sending Emeka Okafor to Nawlins and Tyson Chandler to the neon orange "place where careers die" entitled "Charlotte". I read about it on the coolest designed team site in the league, and immediately thought what all of you thought:

"The Bobcats are not going to take this whole "we're the worst-run organization in sports thing" from the Grizzlies lying down"

The Bobcats get an oft-injured center who the Hornets pretty much tried to toss into the garbage last year, and all they had to give up was their most promising big man who would certainly garner All Star attention if he didn't have that whole "I was drafted with Dwight Howard" thing hanging over his head. -Oh, and the neon orange mark of death on his jersey.

Seriously, at what point do fans just throw their hands up and say, "Screw this shit. They're not even trying to be competitive anymore." As a Marlins fan, I've seen the team unload its stars several times, but at least they did it intelligently and have fielded competitive teams every 6 years or so (if you go by the rule of 6, the Marlins should win the World Series again this season). The Bobcats, meanwhile, have made it obvious with this move that while the team is looking for new ownership they are bound to be in a quagmire of feces talent-wise.

So, here are some grades:

Hornets: B

The Hornets acquire a worthy big man to supplement the underrated (except for Chris Paul) talent on their team. All they had to give up was a player who was only on their team for failing a physical last season with another team.

Bobcats: W-

Chandler must be holding a gun to his head as I write this, looking at the prospect of being coached by Larry Brown and playing alongside such immense talent as Boris Diaw. Tough luck, kid.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Hedo For The Win

Hedo rapping and doing a silly little dance?  Glorious.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Matt Barnes With The No-Look!

Matt Barnes has signed a two-year deal with the comically stacked Orlando Magic. It is his 800th team in 5 years. Matt Barnes is a guy who rarely is seen off the court in interviews, so despite his decent production he is not anywhere near a household name. It's a shame he isn't interviewed more, because he seems like an interesting personality. He is super kind, but has the insane tattoos of a brawler.

Maybe the reason he isn't interviewed more is his COMPLETE INABILITY TO LOOK AT THE PERSON INTERVIEWING HIM!

Come ON, Matt. I'm sure you saw somewhere that it looked cool to look off while you got interviewed, but this is just silly. It would have been great for the cameraman and interviewer to walk away after a question and just leave Matt talking to himself and looking off.

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Sporting News: Realistic NBA Rankings Go!

I love The Sporting News Magazine. It's one of the few pleasures I enjoy on the subway to work whilst a homeless guy pees on my shoes. I especially love Sean Deveney, who typically hits the nail on the head with his NBA analysis.

So, to my surprise, I was shocked to find something that was a bit off in Deveney's latest NBA article. I flicked the pee off of my shoes and examined closer. The article was about looking forward to next season, and ranking the teams from top to bottom ridiculously early.

I've attached the top 4 teams. See if there is something that looks a bit off to you:

Sporting News Early 2009-2010 NBA Rankings:

1) Lakers
2) Cavaliers
3) Wizards
4) Magic

The Wizards? Surely this had to be a misprint. I went online to and checked. The online power rankings from indeed told a different story:

1) Lakers
2) Cavaliers
3) Trailblazers
4) Magic

This isn't AS batshit insane as the previous ranking, but still is solidly under the "batshit insane" monicker. The #3 spot in this article had to be some sort of fan write-in promotion. Add the fact that spelled Sean's name wrong (Shawn...what were they THINKING?!) and you have what can only be described as "the complete and utter destruction of credibility". Feel free to disagree with me. I can only assume the homeless guy peeing on my shoes is a Wizards fan. He does sorta look like Flip Saunders.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Welcome To A Love Life With RJ, Ladies

I keep hearing from people that Richard Jefferson is a jerk in nice guy clothing.  There have been more than a few articles over the year saying the guy is a prima donna whiner who pisses off everyone in his locker room.  RJ has mastered the art of politics though, often appearing on talk shows with an "aw shucks" demeanor.  F that.

The New York Post is reporting that Spurs signee Richard Jefferson is now an officially documented jackass.  Apparently he left his girlfriend at the altar, ONE HOUR before the wedding, leaving his friends and family there waiting...not to mention the poor girl.  

The worst part?  The guy is such an ass that the girlfriend isn't even that shocked:

The would-be bride was stunned, but "not entirely caught off-guard" by Jefferson's unsportsmanlike conduct, according to a family friend.

Wow.  Now, THAT is pretty bad.  The guy must kill puppies in his spare time to have no one be surprised he would do such a thing.

Here's a fun little video of fellow Nets players hating RJ.  Enjoy!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Examining The Four Team Marion Dilly

I love how stoned-looking Marion is in that picture.

According to ESPN, a mind-bending four-team deal is on the verge of completion.  The deal would send Shawn Marion to Dallas, allow Toronto more money for Turk by pulling off a sign and trade, give the Grizzlies yet more money and cash to throw in the gutter, and give the Magic a 7 million dollar trade exception to go shopping in free agency.

So what do we think about it?  Hmmm...

Mavericks:  The Mavs, obviously, got the big name in the deal in Marion.  With resigning J-Kidd, their lineup suddenly looks pretty damn good with Kidd, Terry, Josh Howard, Marion, Nowitzki, and Nowitzki's crazy-ass girlfriend (notice I didn't mention Dampier.  -I'm trying to make a point that this team is GOOD).  Frankly, as much talk as there is of Marion being a "team cancer" and having a bad attitude, his abilities lift the Mavs up exponentially.  I have long wanted Marion on the Magic, and being part of this bizarre 4-way deal is as close as I'll likely ever get.

Raptors:  The Raptors were wise to be part of this trade because not only did they get Antoine Wright and Devean George, but they keep their $5.9 million trade exception.  Having this trade exception means that the Raptors have a valuable trading chip in free agency moves moving forward, or free up money to sign up Carlos Delfino.  With them sending out Marion and bringing in Turk, it also allows them to be more European and whiter, two things the Raptors and Jazz covet more than anything.

Grizzlies:  Honestly, any attempt for anyone to explain the reasons behind ANY Grizzlies moves is futile.  Here, it seems that the overwhelming thing that they get is the chance to buy out Jerry Stackhouse's contract and create cap space for the future.  -You know, to sign all of those free agents that can't wait to move to Memphis Tennessee and watch OJ Mayo throw up circus shots.

Magic:  The Magic were apparently the last second team that hopped in and allowed this trade to work, and looking at what they get it's shocking they were not involved from the start.  For, well...just letting Turk leave, they get a (reported) 7 million dollar trade exception.  They can use this money to add depth to their team or go after one more big name (David Lee?  Paul Milsap?  Dirk Nowitzki's girlfriend?).

At the end of the day, the trade helped everyone with the possible exception being the Grizzlies.  -Just the way every good trade should.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Boston Ups Its Jackass Quotient

Sheed, perhaps the least likeable player in the NBA since Kobe matured, is off to the team that many can argue is the least likeable team at the moment.  Yes, "Sir White Hair Spot" is off to Boston, giving them this ridiculous starting 5:

K. Garnett
R. Wallace
P. Pierce
R. Allen
R. Rondo

I'm curious when the vegas odds for favorites to win the NBA finals come out, because I will bet the house on that team.  Add in Kendrick Perkins and Eddie House, who both seriously matured in extended minutes during last year's playoffs, and this team is terrifying.

Ron-Ron to the Lakers and now this?  The talent in the NBA pool seems to be completely out of sorts lately.  Do you even watch this upcoming season if you are a fan of a team like the Bucks?  Okay, bad example.  -But even good teams like the Nuggets and Mavs suddenly look like they shouldn't even try against powerhouses like the Celtics, Lakers, Cavs and (should they get another quality free agent) the Magic.

Ah, who gives a crap.  It's the offseason.  Let's worry about that in three months time.  TIME FOR NUDE BEACH VOLLEYBALL!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Quick, Gimme Something That Rhymes With Grizzly...

...because Zach Randolph is on his way to Memphis in exchange for the guy who was once engaged to Brandy! Still don't get it? Let's revisit this famous quote from Randolph when he was a co-chairman of the Jail Blazers:
I'm not a Blazer, I'm a gangsta.


PS: I think both players would be happy with their new homes. Q was going to be on a bad team anyway, but now he can lounge on the beach and bring back the double-fisted head bump to LA. And for Z-Bo? Well, Memphis will have all the ribs that he can shove down his fat face!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Houstonians, Hold Onto Your McGriddles

As Houston scrambles to figure out how they are going to survive next season without their franchise players Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming, trade rumors are swirling. One of the biggest ones thrown out there will bring Eddy Curry to Houston, the 6th fattest city in the country. If this happens, what will be the over/under that we will see the first 400 lbs. NBA center?

Zombies Can Dunk Copyright 2009