Thursday, June 26, 2008

Who Else Likes Trades?!?!

This guy does, cause he got out of Milwaukee. However, in bat$**t crazy news, the New Jersey Nets have decided to trade Richard Jefferson to Milwaukee for Yi Jianlian and Busty Busterson Bobby Simmons. If you ask Milwaukee right now, they love trades. They got RJ for 300 million Chinese fans basically. If Yi really and truly hated it there (like he said he was going to and his agent said he was going to and everyone else besides Bucks ownership said he was going to), then I'll be pretty excited to see what he will do in New Jersey.

I think New Jersey will give Yi a chance to be on the receiving end of better team basketball, which will help him grow considerably more than he would watching Michael Redd shoot. Personally, I don't think Yi is a bust. If he was going in that direction, he would look more like Wang Zhi Zhi by now. As far as Most Improved Player '05 Bobby Simmons goes, I don't know what he brings to the table for New Jersey. They have such a glaring need for 6'6" combo guards I guess.

As far as Milwaukee goes, they stole an All-Star. Does this get them closer to contending in the East? No it sure doesn't. Does this give them an out in the Get-Rid-of-Yi-Amicably game? Yes it does. So happy trails RJ, good luck with that franchise, and I'll have fun playing Association mode in NBA 2K9 with your squad; I'll have you contending by 2011, and I'll bring you more superstars. You can take solace in that.

Who Likes Trades?!?!

This guy does. Finally the reality show we all know as the National Basketball Association ends it's go to challenge Point Guard Wars as the Toronto Raptors have completed a trade (in principal) which sends point guard (questionable title) T.J. Ford, center Rasho Nesterovic, a player to be named, and the #17 pick to the Indiana Pacers for forward/center Jermaine O'Neal.

It seems like everyone's loving this deal so far, but I'm wondering when we went back to 1997 because that sounds like an awful lot of chips to deal for 2 degenerative knees. Regardless of what anyone thinks O'Neal's value is, the deal is still fairly good for Toronto. Great for Indiana, they're getting another pick to rebuild with and they don't have to worry too too much about the point guard situation (although I would never deal for a point guard if I had Travis Diener on the books). Jermaine O'Neal healthy gives you about 15/7. Next to Chris Bosh, that might become 15/9. I almost compare it to the deal that went down for that other O'Neal a while ago, because you're not necessarily getting him for the stats he brings, but the presence. Just having the 2 of them down there makes other teams have to consider more when they go up against them for the 40 games that he's healthy. Plus there is a lot of piece of mind involved in knowing who your franchise point guard is (well deserved) instead of having a weird tandem that has never really worked out for you in the first place. Good show Pacers and Raptors, you've started Draft Day out very nicely. Now excuse me, I have to hang up my Jose Calderon FatHead.

Update: Apparently the deal isn't a DONE deal until July 1st; T.J. Ford's deal has a compensation tag that has to come off the books, and dudes need physicals.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Getting Married...MOCK DRAFT TIME!

So this Saturday, to much fanfare and blaring of trumpets, I am getting married.

I am very excited, and not just for the food and the ability to not invite people to the wedding that I've been meaning to distance myself from. As a married man I will be able to punch people and leave a ring-shaped indentation on their forehead. I also will be able to grow that 8 inch handlebar moustache I've been meaning to grow with little to no fear of having no contact with a woman again. More than anything, when I have lost all of my money and car in a high stakes poker game, I can take my wedding ring off and put it on the table in a dramatic move that makes everyone in the room gasp.

Despite my very happy and exciting happenings, I would be a poor host if I didn't talk about the event that stands as the last sports-related thing I will care about this summer (sorry baseball) THE NBA DRAFT!

Here is The Howeva Files' 2008 Mock Draft. All of these will be right. Oh, you don't think so? Care to make it interesting? (Tosses wedding ring on the table as he twiddles last poker chip in trembling hands)

1) Bulls - PG Derrick Rose Surprised? Then you are a moron.
2) Heat - PF Michael Beasley Sleazy Riley will be back when he revives the Heat.

3) Wolves - G OJ Mayo McHale brings the nutjob home. This should be fun!

4) Sonics - G Jerryd Bayless Oklahoma City gets its point guard. Seattle shrugs.

5) Grizz - C Kevin Love Too similar to Big Country Reeves to NOT be a Grizzly.

6) Knicks - SF Danilo Gallinari A good pick for D'Antoni. Score one for Little Italy.

7) Clippers - SF Joe Alexander Why not? He'll be out of here if he's good anyways.

8) Bucks - SG Anthony Randolph A reach here. Bucks drafts are comedy genius.

9) Bobcats - C Brook Lopez Twins part I. The lone Bobcats fan cheers.

10) Nets - G Russell Westbrook Could work out well in NJ.
11) Pacers - D.J. Augustin Short guards make the world go 'round.

12) Kings - G Eric Gordon Good guard for the Maloofs to waste away.

13) Blazers - SG Brandon Rush This guy's stock is flying up. Blazers trying to trade pick.

14) Warriors - SF Mareese Speights Work ethic of a slug, but talented as hell

15) Suns - SF Donte Greene Extremely athletic and could go much higher.

16) Sixers - PF Darrell Arthur With Dalembert, this team would be "team rebound".

17) Raptors - C Kosta Koufos Raptors want a center, and this is one they can develop.

18) Wizards - C DeAndre Jordan A "Jordan" is back on the Wiz! Like old times!

19) Cavs - C Alexis Ajinca A steal this late. Lebron nods "yes" while on a throne of gold.

20) Nuggets - SG Courtney Lee This guy's draft stock flew over the cookoo's nest.

21) Nets - PF J.J. Hickson The complete lack of a low post in NJ gets some help.

22) Magic - C Robin Lopez Wanted Lee. No one likes a crummier twin. The Magic do.

23) Jazz - C Roy Hibbert Stone hands finds a home in Sloanville.

24) Sonics - C JaVale McGee Center whose stock dropped like Enron. Good pick here tho.

25) Rockets - SG Chris Douglas-Roberts CDR and TMAC: Abbreviations are D.U.M.B.

26) Spurs - SF Nicolas Batum Spurs are the safety net for talent that slips through.

27) Hornets - G Mario Chalmers Solid depth for a playoff team.

28) Grizzlies - SG J.R. Giddens Wanted CDR or Lee with this pick. Gasol > Giddens.

29) Pistons - SF Bill Walker Dumars likes the injury-plagued forward. Ow!

30) Celts - PF Jason Thompson Because PJ Brown should leave any day now.

And there you have it. I'll think of you all fondly as I step down the aisle. Toodles.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Praying For A Less "Disney" Orlando Magic Logo

As I mentioned briefly in yesterday's entry, the Orlando Magic are going to get a new logo and jerseys at some point this summer. As a diehard Magic fan, the suspense is killing me. Making me wait on what the complete image overhaul for my favorite team will look like is like telling me, " may or may not have genital warts. Later this summer you can find out!"

One thing we do know, there will be a "blast from the past" theme for the jerseys. This can only mean one thing: Everyone will be nude except for selectively placed images of Rony Seikaly on their crotch.

-If it's not that, chances are it means PINSTRIPES, PINSTRIPES, PINSTRIPES! For those of you dyslexic folks out there, it means STRIPE-PINS!

As for the logo, it my firm belief the Magic were initially going for that whole "Hey, if we name our team after the Magic Kingdom and make our logo look like something Mickey Mouse would make sweet love to, maybe we can have Disney as a future partner!" This, of course, did not happen as Disney turned their noses up at the local squad (to be fair, they had little use for Scott Skiles with his lookalike Dopey Dwarf already under Disney ownership).

Now, the Magic have their big chance to completely erase the silly kiddiness of their logo and get something that'll sell some damn jerseys. I strongly suggest they go with this:

What is it? It's a friggin' clock tied to a tree. Why should it be the logo? I'll be damned if I know, but it's the first thing that pops up when you type in "Magic" on Google Images Search. Obviously it's a magic clock of some sort, and those are not to be messed with. Look a little closer and you'll see that there is a little door in the tree. If all else fails, the team can still go for that E.L. Fudge sponsorship to bolster the team.

More logo news as it comes. This will easily be the most important thing of the summer for know...except for the fact I'm getting married Saturday. Besides that, I guess.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

New Timberwolves Logo...How Long Until Mark Cuban Sues?

With the draft coming up soon, it's time for crap teams to start looking to the future to avoid the hell that is their present. No team is in need of more of a diversion from the baggy-eyed present that is Kevin McHale than the Minnesota Timberwolves. They are chucking a new logo out there and seeing how it does. Early word is that this is a secondary logo, but I don't think that is a definite yet.

And here you are, dear readers:

I know what you are thinking and NO I didn't just photoshop a wolf on the Dallas Mavericks logo. Boy, how much of a ripoff of the Dallas logo is that? Sure, the old "monster wolf in front of green trees" logo smacked of days past when Garnett actually had the boys in contention, but it did at least stand out. This chucks the team into that netherworld that is Clippers-Nuggets-Atlanta Hawks-esque logo and color abiguity. I am going to reserve complete judgement until I see the primary logo (if there is a different one), but so far this just smacks of copycat work. For shame, Minnesotans.

As you can ask any of my friends, I take logos and colors of teams WAY too seriously, so I will be following this story closely. A recent rumor that my favorite team, the Magic, might be getting a new logo is enough to keep me up at night. The moment Minnesota's new primary logo is leaked, you will find it here.*

*Unless I am on vacation, asleep, or generally unmotivated. There is approximately a 13% I will not be one of those things, so stay tuned!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

NBA Still Hungover From The Finals

After a wonderful playoffs, the NBA is still in relative slumber mode. Sure, there is plenty of trade and draft talk, but that's all it really is at this point. It's still too early to see any of the million and one rumored trade ideas floating around the league actually going down, and despite what you might hear, the Bulls and Heat will end up staying in their draft positions and draft Rose and Beasley.

Rather than spend any useless effort on foolish rumor discussions that won't come to fluition, let's turn our attention to more pressing matters...namely...


After watching that a few times I think I need to read something before I go to sleep, lest that woman's "sticking her tongue out" face haunt my dreams.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

This Jail Cell Is Wicked Ah-Some!

Boston police arrested 22 Celtics fans for getting a little too carried away with their celebrations last night. These folks bashed in store windows, tried (but failed) at overturning cars, and staged what Detroit residents can only be described as a "poor man's riot". I don't know exactly how poor men riot, but my guess is it involves throwing feces.

The city of Boston threw these guys in jail, and then the mayor came out and (in true mayorly fashion) called them "punks". He also encouraged tough penalties to be brought down upon them once they were brought to trial.

The thought of a bunch of Celtics fans in jail, getting stared at by 300+ pound prisoners is quite an interesting one. The conversations must go like this:

Boston fan: "Um...sir. Why are you looking at me and licking your lips?"

Prisoner: "You look like you need some lovin'."

Boston fan: "No. No I really, really don't."

Prisoner: "Then why's that fancy man on your shirt winkin' at me?"

Boston fan: "You mean my Celtics logo?" (Fan is knocked unconscious and dragged to a corner of the cell for lovemaking sessions with Bubba)

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

CELTICS WIN! Eli Manning The Only Thing Standing Between Boston Championship Trifecta

The Celtics demolished the Lakers tonight, winning their 17th NBA title and thus concluding what has been a very fun NBA season.

Congrats to Boston sports fans out there. For tonight America will momentarily suspend its complete hatred of you, as your city seems to win everything lately. It's only amount of time before the Bruins win an unprecidented 18 Stanley Cups in a row (they're filming the other team's defensive signals).

Suddenly that dream I had about Brian Scalabrine and Big Baby riding a victory parade float all makes sense.

With the conclusion of the NBA season, we usher in arguably the most funny and ridiculous part of the NBA...the offseason! I can't wait to see who JR Smith accidentally kills!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Turiaf Knows How To Win This Series

The Lakers hopped back into making it a respectable series with a win last night.  The series is now 3-2 as it heads back to Boston, by no means over but still likely to be a Celtics championship.
How did the Lakers finally win, suppressing what was almost another comeback (this time down 18) by the Celtics?  Was it heart?  Was it brains?  Was it splooge-covered towels, Kobe?

Well...not sure if they were splooge-covered...BUT IT WAS INDEED TOWELS!

Specifically, Lakers player Ronny Turiaf throwing them to an assistant during the Celtics free throws in order to distract them.  Everyone knows that towel throwing is the key to knocking Paul Pierce's game off, since he almost had suffocated as a child under a big towel (Note: I have no factual evidence to back this up).

Anyhoo, here's the video clip.  Enjoy:

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Pat Riley Announces Return To Coaching/Poaching Championships

After less than two months into what many thought was a final retirement from coaching, Hall of Famer Pat Riley announced his return to the sideline Saturday to relieve Boston Celtics coach, Doc Rivers, of his duties.

"Doc's done a terrific job on this journey to a championship, but it's time that a true legend 'roll the station wagon into the driveway' so to speak" Riley stated to a packed room in downtown Los Angeles.

Rivers was not present at the press conference, but had a written statement read aloud by Riley. "This season has had it's rewards. I'll remember fondly getting within one game of my first championship, but it just feels right that I take time off to spend some more time with my darling family. Maybe I'll return to coaching as soon as Riley is done poaching, but until then I'll be happy not winning championships."

Friday, June 13, 2008

Sasha No Like Touchy

The Lakers are one loss away from their season ending, and with this knowledge in mind there is a good chance the team is in a bit of a bitter mood tonight.

My suggestion for comforting them? Put a sympathetic hand on their shoulder and tell them it's going to be okay. Sasha Vujacic, for instance, appears to find much comfort in this:

To be fair, I do the same thing when anyone touches my shoulder. I'm no piece of meat, ladies.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Lakers On The Brink Of Oblivion

With the Celtics win tonight, overcoming a 26 point defecit, the Lakers are one win away from NBA Finals death. This means we are also one win away from actually uttering the phrase, "Big Baby...NBA Champion."

In case Kobe and company need some suggestions on the best possible way to die, here are some good ones:

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Entire Game 3 Played Within World's Largest Shower Curtain

In a stunning move in hopes of deflecting the negative press from the new Tim Donaghy allegations, David Stern ordered that the entirety of Game 3 be played in the world's largest shower curtain. Since this Celtics-Lakers match-up has stirred up pleasant memories of finals past, the league concluded that it would just be better if a three hour montage was projected onto massive sheets of mildew-resistant artificial fabrics.

"We banked this entirely on the hypotheses that the die-hard fans would get caught up in the montage and that the fair-weather fans would get distracted by all the celebs in the audience so no one would think that a fixed game was being played," NBA deputy commissioner Adam Silver explained.

Donaghy, the disgraced former referee who has admitted to passing along inside information, betting on NBA games, and made calls to affect the point spread, claimed that an NBA official instructed referees to call fouls tighter, on who's been deduced as Yao Ming in his 2005 playoff match-up against the Dallas Mavericks. At the time, Houston coach Jeff Van Gundy was fined $100K for claiming that an NBA official told him that the NBA would more closely monitor Yao's moving screens.

After being supported by Donaghy's allegations, the bald Van Gundy allegedly reached a deal with the league that he would receive Andy Garcia's hair in lieu of being repaid the hundred grand.

Oh, and apparently the Lakers won 87-81 behind Kobe Bryant's 36 points, which no one saw.

Monday, June 9, 2008

The World Wants More Sasha

Of all of the players in the Celtics-Lakers Finals, the guy who I am constantly looking at and wishing I knew more about is Sasha Vujacic. With his bizarre feminine headband, plastered down hair, and sweet 3 point shooting streak, he seems like quite a character. My favorite aspect of him is that he seems to shoot whenever the ball touches his hands, which is high comedy for the sheer amount of times cameras pan to Kobe sneering and shaking his head. There's only room for ONE selfish player on this team, says King Kobe-ra!

Speaking of Sasha shooting a lot, kudos to for this Sasha "The Machine" video blog goodness. Way too much effort went into making this, but it was worth every drop of sweat and hair grease:

Friday, June 6, 2008

Paul Pierce Used to Be Sad; Signs Now Point to Glad

So this happened last night. Apparently Paul Pierce blew his knee out. Sprained meniscus was the word. But suddenly, taking a page out of Penny Marshall's book (insert Awakenings joke here), Paul Pierce wasn't hurt anymore. Did he realize that he looked like a sissy on national television (insert Dwayne Wade cry pic here)? Was it Brian "Mix-Tape Assassin" Scalabrine's breath? No, it was neither of these. The answer is, Christ loves Boston sports and saved Paul Pierce.

I know I know, I sound ridiculous, but I think it's true. I've read enough Bill Simmons to have seen this apocalypse coming. I don't know about you guys, but this Finals has been tough to sink my teeth into; sure I predicted this outcome, but do I like either of these teams? Sure don't. Are any of my NBA man-crushes participating? Sure aren't. So after simultaneously celebrating my wedding anniversary and Jor's foray into matrimonial bliss on Florida's gulf coast,
I wasn't particularly psyched about going back to everyday life, which included this seven game series. Either way, it's still going on and Boston still won last night, and Paul Pierce may be the reason for that.

After getting smashed by his own teammate (Kendrick don't!!!), collapsing to the ground, and hearing something pop, Pierce had to be carried off the floor by Brian Scalabrine (G.O.A.T.) and Tony Allen and taken out back for a Derby Salute, when Jesus touched his face and said,

"It's ok Paul, go back out there and win it for me."

Then Up Where We Belong started playing and Pierce scored 11 of his 22 points while running the Boston Marathon, and ghost writing fresh rhymes for B-Scala. And then he did it; He won it for Jesus. Seriously though, the Big Three made their presence known by scoring 65 of Boston's total 98 points (Garnett 24, Pierce 22, Allen 19). Rajon Rondo put together a nice game as well, finishing with 15 points, 5 rebounds, and 7 assists. On the Lakers' side, the usual suspects played some basketball as Kobe finished with 24 points and 6 assists, D-Fish had 15 points and 6 assists, Lamar Odom had 14 points and 6 rebounds, and Pau Gasol had 15 points, 8 rebounds, and 4 assists. The Lakeshow definitely suffered from their lack of dance, as Ronny Turiaf was depressed.

So in summary, Round 1 goes to the Celts. I still stand behind my dish and say L.A.'s going to get on Kobe's shoulders and take this series. Don't be surprised next holiday season when you're looking at a nativity scene, and you notice one of the three wise men is wearing a green headband, a number 34 jersey, and throwing gang signs; Jesus loves Paul Pierce. Oh and congratulations NBA, I care now.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Celtics-Lakers To-NITE!/Remembering Larry

The Lakers take on their arch rivals tonight in a slobberknocker of epic proportions. Growing up an enormous Larry Bird fan, I have to side with the Celtics here. This will no doubt screw me in the future when I inevitably move to Los Angeles to continue my work in television, upon which I am immediately pelted with purple and yellow painted rocks.

To the credit of David Stern and the refs who did everything possible to ensure this series would happen, I have been very nostalgic of the Lakers-Celts games of old lately and it has been making me excited. Specifically, I took a look back at "Larry Legend's" highlights over the past few days, and remember why I spent many a late night in grade school reading "Drive".

Take a look at this guy at work...he's not mortal:

We American-born white guys need another Larry Bird/John Stockton figure to remind our youths that they actually might have a chance to play in the NBA one day. For now, when I have a son I will be sure to sit him in front of these highlights to remind him that dorky white guys with blonde moustaches and short shorts actually CAN rock everyone's socks off.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Kobe Speaks-a like-a Mario!

We all know Kobe is a man of the world, but who knew he was so fluent in the language of love?


Italian Interviewer: Kobe, you speak the language of love...what says "romance" for you?

Kobe: A splooge-covered t-shirt, delivered by way of 'toss to the face'.

Italian Interviewer: Any resolutions for if you win the title this year?

Kobe: Curtail parking lot rants against Andrew Bynum. Do more about Jordan Farmar.

Italian Interviewer: What is the best thing you ever did in your travels through Italy?

Kobe: Jumping over a "Smart Car".

We may play this backwards and and realize he was saying "Paul is dead" over and over again like a Beatles record, but for now he sounds pretty damn worldly. It takes a lot for me to admit Kobe is anything other than an egomaniac, but speaking in Italian to a reporter? Pretty pimp.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Surprise Central! Grizzlies Owner Admits That Whole "Gasol For Kwame" Thing Might Have Been A Mistake!

With the Lakers about to do battle with the Celts in the finals, one can't help but look back at this past season and the most important player on the Lakers.

Kobe Bryant? No, not him.

I'm actually talking about the Memphis Grizzlies. The doof that was presiding over the mess was owner Michael Heisley, but I prefer to him as "that owner who had to be drinking on the job".

The Grizzlies, of course, were the moronic team responsible for sending Pau Gasol to the Lakers for the pile of gold known as Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittenden, two LAAAATE first round picks, a ball of pocket lint, and a 1987 edition of TV Guide. Everyone in the NBA was up in arms, especially one particular Spurs head coach who wound up losing in the playoffs because of that same ridiculous trade. It was highway robbery that made Bonnie and Clyde shake their heads (well...they would have if they were get the point).

Well, I guess the "denial" stage is over for Heisley and with the Lakers OBVIOUSLY becoming a potential dynasty out of the deal, he has moved on to "acceptance". Heisley has recently admitted, and I quote:

“I don’t know if I got the most value,” Heisley confessed. “Maybe our people should’ve shopped (Gasol) more and maybe we would’ve gotten more, done a better deal. Maybe Chris did call every team in the league. I don’t think he did, but maybe he should’ve…”

Doesn't a quote like this inspire you, Grizzly fans? You have the owner of your team saying that the trade that sent the most important and gifted player in your team's history (if you don't count Big Country Reeves) most likely wasn't really all that thought out. He also confesses in that beautiful quote to not really knowing if they did all of their homework. Ahem...shouldn't that be the ONE question you ask before your team does the deal? "Did you guys check with everyone and this is the absolute BEST we could do? Kwame friggin Brown?"

The best part of all of this is that the team turned DOWN the Bulls' trade offer, which included a comparable cornucopia of talent in Andres Nocioni, Tyrus Thoms, Joakim Noah, Thabo Sefalosha, Adrian Griffin, and draft picks. Yes, ladies and gents...they looked at that offer and said, "Nahhhhh...I think we really want to roll the dice with Kwame Brown on this one. Thanks anyways, guys."

I have to stop typing here before I get to emotionally drained from analyzing this whole thing, and I'm not even a Grizzly or Spurs fan. (soaks head in a bucket of ice)

Monday, June 2, 2008

Killing Time Before The Championship Begins

The collective world of the NBA is twiddling its fingers tonight, with players and teams not wanting to make any important announcements lest they be forgotten the moment the NBA Finals begin. It's time like these, with a great rivalry like the Lakers and Celtics about to take shape once again, that we look back and take stock of the great NBA rivalries from years past.

-Magic Johnson vs. Larry Bird

-Rudy Tomjanovich vs. Kermit Washington's Fist

-Rick Mahorn vs. Manute Bol.......

Sigh...watching that video makes me really miss the 80s. Everything was so blissfully contrived. Not only do they tell Bol to act surprised (great acting job, Manute), they cut to a second, closer camera to show the expression on Rick Mahorn's face. Throw in the shticky music after the surprise and the fact that this so obviously filmed on a television set (notice the incredibly believable "club room" sign on the door when they show Manute Bol) and you have sheer nostalgic bliss.

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