Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Coming To Grips With The "Life As We Know It" Poster

If you live on this planet in any sort of metropolitan setting, you've probably seen the "Life As We Know It" poster below:

It took me a long time to figure out what the hell was going on here, simply because Katherine Heigl's face is so close to Josh Duhamel's ass. Life as I know it does not normally involve ass sniffing.

I eventually figured out that it's some pukey way of saying that this guy in the movie is more like a baby than an adult, parading around in his underwear and drinking beer (grownup milk) out of a bottle. Realizing this made me hate this damn thing even more, and if you are a guy in New York City it is virtually impossible to escape these annoying posters that force you to stare at Josh Duhamel in his underwear and question things about yourself.

Anyhoo, I've stared at these damn "Life As We Know It" posters for so long that I have accepted my fate that I cannot avoid them. When this happens, it becomes my mission to somehow make them awesome so I can mentally deal with them while on my hellish morning commute. I looked at the poster for a long time today while waiting for the subway, and then the answer hit me. It was so obvious the entire time that I couldn't believe it didn't come to me sooner. The easiest way to make the poster fun to look at was to simply swap the position of the two main stars and kick that baby the hell out of there. It works so well that I am convinced the photographer had this in mind. The studio must made him swap their positions at the last second and go with some lame baby metaphor. Jerks.

See? If this was their original intent than life as we know it is pretty damn good.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Not All Kids Are Annoying Hoodlums I Want Off My Lawn

Although most kids do awful things like spray paint, destroy public property, and egg houses on mischief night (I will hide in the bushes with a hose this year), sometimes they are okay in my book. This is one of those times.

In this video, members of the Lake Stevens Football team handed the ball to a mentally handicapped kid on their squad, and the other team resisted the urge to tackle and let the kid have an amazing moment he'll never forget.

I have to say, the players around the kid sold it pretty well. I would give an Oscar to the kid who tries the diving tackle, as well as the blocker and blockee that come in at the end. It's one of those heart string-tugging moments that I don't find corny or annoying, but genuinely cool. The only letdown was a lack of a cool endzone celebration, but it makes sense since I remember all-too-serious referees penalizing my ass for stuff like that when I was younger. Who says that 4th grade isn't the right place to do that convoluted 10 minute Deion Sanders dance?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Rolando McClain Had My Favorite Play Of The Week

Now this is a tackle. Actually, it's a WWE move, but who am I to mince words. Extra points for how happy McClain was after getting hit with an unnecessary roughness penalty by the refs. Listen to the crowd react to the replay! I can't say enough good things about this. Genius.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Somehow I Survived

Yes, there was a crazy storm in New York.

Yes, everyone was afraid there was going to be a tornado (there wasn't).

Yes, it did blow power out across the city, including Penn Station where they completely shut down the LIRR and it looked like the apocalypse with the amount of people panicking inside as I was trying to get home.

And yet after a storm that lasted a grand total of around 12 minutes I still stand here, alive. It is a testament to my will and strength.

If you missed it, these idiots in the video below perfectly capture the way almost every person in New York reacted yesterday, complete with hooting, hollering, backwards Jets hats, and numerous "check it out, bro!"s. I am sad the storm did not suck these people into the cyclone.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

This Is Why I Love Soccer

Stories like this make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. How great is this?

A "fake" Togo national team played against Bahrain in an international friendly last week, prompting an investigation from the African nation's sports ministry and FIFA.

Bahrain's Ismail Abdulatif in action against Qatar

Bahrain's Ismail Abdulatif in action against Qatar days before the fake match

Bahrain beat who they thought was the Togo national team 3-0 in Bahrain last Tuesday, but Togo officials have claimed to have no knowledge of the match. It has emerged the players may not have been professional footballers or even Togolese nationals but mystery still surrounds their true identity.

So Bahrain beat another country's national team, only to find out they were IMPOSTERS and the real team claimed they still hadn't played yet?!?! I swear that soccer is 800 times more ridiculous than any other sport in the world and this only adds to its charm. I can't wait until the inevitable happens and a soccer team loses to another, and then learns that the winning team was really full of zoo animals. It is the logical next progression of the sport.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Let's Go To Texas!

When I was in college, I lived in one of the top 5 most sexually active dorms in the US of A. The list went like this:

5 - Bentley College, Massachusetts: Castle Hall
4 - Connecticut College: Harkness Hall
3 - Arizona State University: South Desert Village
2 - The George Washington University: Mabel Nelson Thurston Hall
1 - University of Rhode Island: Barlow Hall

God Bless, you URI Barlow Hall members. If all of you haven't succumbed to the JFK-level amount of STDs in your systems, I raise my glass to you. Number 4 was where I resided, and was coincidentally was also the number of moans and groans that could be heard throughout the halls on a given night. 'Twas a different time.

Being an avid researcher of who the sex crown is going to these days, I decided to open one of my favorite periodicals Men's Health. MH came out with a list of the top sex-happy U.S. Cities, and all I can say is that if you are a resident of Texas and are reading this, chances are naughty things are happening to you from the waist down as you read:

1. Austin, TX
2. Dallas, TX
3. Columbus, OH
4. Durham, NC
5. Denver, CO
6. Indianapolis, IN
7. Arlington, TX
8. Oklahoma City, OK
9. Bakersfield, CA
10. Houston, TX
11. Lubbock, TX
12. Fort Worth, TX
13. Charlotte, NC
14. Fresno, CA
15. San Antonio, TX

Alright, besides the obvious Texas shenanigans going on, a few observations:

-That Columbus, Ohio number is going to go WAYYYY down now that Lebron is Miami-bound and bringing his "three sex parties each night" average with him.

-Utah is always somewhere high on these lists of things that are decidedly un-Mormon. I find that funny.

-California and North Carolina have uncommonly good looking people. I have noticed this, and I am glad that they have too. Hollywood makes sense for good looking people, but North Carolina baffles me. Somehow, they manage.

Anyhoo, the moral of this story? Move to Texas if you want the nookie.

Fun video of the day: Here is a guy shopping with an attractive drunk girl in tow. I have no idea how this guy manages to completely get his shopping list done with this girl draped all over him, but kudos to him:

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Yay For NFL On-Field Microphones!

NFL Football is upon us, and no one is happier than me. -Well, me and Bernard Pollard of the Houston Texans, as this clip will show.

Despite the fact that I was traveling for most Sunday, I still was able to see a snippet of a football game on TV in a cafe. I was delighted when the game I was watching cut away live to the Texans-Colts game, and this was the play that I saw. How can you NOT love on-field microphones? There is a good 50/50 chance of something going horribly wrong.

Reggie Wayne will think twice before catching a pass on Bernard Pollard, and CBS will think twice before miking the players:

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

This Dog Is A Lazy Jerk

I love my dog very, very much. That said, my dog is a complete jackass when he gets his leash put on. He fights against it like he's trying to win some sort of tug of war for treats, which he is not for the record (I have explained this to him many times).

While he is much better now, the first two years of having my dog out in public resulted in the laughter of passers by, mostly with comments like, "Wow, he really doesn't want to follow you on that leash, huh?" and "Stubborn little rascal, ain't he?" and other things that added absolutely nothing to the situation except making me hate the population of New York City.

It's taken years, but I've finally found someone who has a dog worse on the leash than mine was. I even find myself finding it cute and stopping myself from adding my own asinine comments to the situation, like so many did to me. Anyhoo, enjoy:

EMBED-Cute Dog Doesn't Feel Like Walking - Watch more free videos

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