Thursday, October 30, 2008

All Hallows Eve....Uh, Eve...YAO STYLE

I'm a HUGE halloween dork, so I'm getting my outfit together for what should be a completely bezerk costume. I'm going to be an enormous toucan in a sailor outfit. The TV animation company I work for named a character after me that is a baby toucan, so it's not COMPLETELY random. Insert gay sailor/bird joke here.

Anyhoo, with me preparing like a madman, I sadly don't have much time to write tonight, so let's just take a look at my favorite play from the first full night of NBA action: Yao Ming showing the rest of the league that the Rockets may actually catch a lucky break or two this year

Happy soon-to-be-halloween, kiddies.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Poppovich Rocks

I wrote previously about Shaq badmouthing the Spurs and their Greek God-bearded coach for playing "Hack-A-Shaq" and hitting him throughout the game. Moments into the Spurs-Suns game, this happened. I LOVE Poppovich.

New Look Clippers Dazzle

I hate boring, annoying sports article titles like the one above, so that's why I chose to sarcastically use it to describe the Clippers' bitch-slapping by the Lakers tonight.

At the time of me writing this, it's 101-68 Lakers. By clicking on this link, you'll be able to see the final score, which will have the Lakers beating the Clips somewhere in the neighborhood of 200-70. I think it is fair to say, after watching this team tonight, that the Clippers are doomed for another season of mediocrity. Any team that hinges its success on the health of Baron Davis is pretty much screwed, and with Marcus Camby out another injury means them possibly scoring negative points.

I'm not one to talk, with my Magic losing to the Hawks tonight by 14, but having watched all of the teams closely thus far this season the Clippers win my "Craptacular start to the season award".

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Nothing Says "NBA Opening Night" Like Some HOT MILWAUKEE BUCKS ACTION!

The NBA began games tonight with the usual band of playoff and ratings-centric teams:

-The Celtics, America's "Hey you can bandwagon Boston basketball too!" team

-The Cavs, a team no one will care about once Lebron leaves...but everyone loves now. Jot down these fans' names now and see who they're rooting for in 7 years.

-The Bulls, a team with the #1 overall pick in Derrick "Poodini" Rose.

-The Blazers, otherwise known as the squad of players who should all be gelling and getting a championship together any day now...yup, any day now.

-The Lakers, everyone in the world's pick for 2008-2009 champion. It's all about the Radmanovic.
Somewhere lost in this bombastic group is the Milwaukee Bucks. They have Richard Jefferson now! Let's see what Luke Ridnour does!, I can't even continue. You know all you're going to do is stare at Charlie Villanueva's Young Frankenstein-esque brow and try to say "Luc Richard Mbah A Moute" three times fast. On the bright side, they are playing the Bulls, who might need some time to get used to Derrick Rose and...actually, wow, they already lost.

I envision David Stern shooting an angry look across a conference table, and an executive stammering out, "I-I thought the Bucks would be a good idea! Get some of that Packers fanbase into the NBA!" before getting dumped out of his chair into a pit of fire like in Austin Powers.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Every So Often Politics Interest Me

In choosing a presidential candidate, I look for a few things:

1) Which has the best set of teeth? (Advantage: Obama)

2) Who, if I were to ask, "Could you do me a favor? When you're at the supermarket, pick me up some beef jerky?"...would be a pal and do it? (Advantage: McCain)

3) Who doesn't smell like old cats? (Advantage: Obama)

4) Who wouldn't look at me smugly when I spoke with them, all the time thinking, "I have WAY more money than this guy". Note: They only think they do. (Advantage: Neither)

5) Who has lived a crazy life that was more like a chapter from Motley Crue's biography The Dirt than reality? (Advantage: McCain)

One thing I didn't take into account on previous elections was ability to ball on the court. In this case, Obama might be very well getting my vote. Before you start claiming I'm a New Yorker, so Obama is going to win my damn state so my vote doesn't matter (you are's actually rather pointless to vote this time around), let me tell you about the abilities of Obama on the court: Apparently he is so badass that he has no problem trash talking to NBA players. According to overpaid Knicks player (there is a phrase you hear every two seconds) Chris Duhon:

He would say " 'You can't guard me!' Just random talk," Duhon added. "He knows the game. He's like a point guard out there, and so he's always telling guys where to go, what to do, very vocal."
This is an awesome mental image. Not only the fact that we have a presidential candidate that can play basketball well, but also the fact that he appears to have the knowledge necessary to treat the Knicks like the joke they are. That might have sounded a little harsh, but these are harsh times, sister.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Nets

Slow news day. Cheerleader time.

I grew up in New Jersey (Flashes Hackettstown Gang Sign, which resembles a man tipping over a cow), so I have a soft spot in my heart for the Nets. That soft spot is held primarily by the pity I felt for them growing up as I would walk by their merchandise shops and see the jerseys of their "stars" belonged to Derrick Coleman and Yinka Dare. Eesh.

What they don't have in consistently entertaining basketball, the Nets make up for in dancers. Every dancer in the tri-state area that was unwilling to sleep with Isiah Thomas or scarf down philly cheesesteaks with Andy Reid-esque fat guys got booted to New Jersey, so many fans are treated to some great cheerleaders. Sure, they may be terrorized by an A.D.D. patient in Vince Carter, but that is a small price to pay to not have Stephon Marbury offering you tours of the inside of his car.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Yet Another Great Year Awaits You, Bobcats Fans!

Looking at the Charlotte Bobcats this season, one thing is evident: Sarah Palin will undoubtedly cost John McCain this election.

Crap, I have to stop watching CNN while I type. What I meant to say is that it is evident that this is going to be another looooooong season for the Bobcats and their fans. They are a whopping 0-7 in preseason play, and while I admit that preseason games don't matter that much, at least it is a good barometer for the all around abilities on a team.

This is odd, as the Bobcats have a good amount of talent on their team. You think of names like Okafor, Gerald Wallace, Jason Richardson, Raymond Felton and Sean May and it seems odd that this team can't pull it together. Then reality sets in. You realize that the team is run by Michael "Air/Drive your franchise into the ground" Jordan, has people like Nazr "19 pump fakes per shot" Mohammed in the starting lineup, drafted Adam Morrison (who isn't even LISTED on the team's depth chart on Yahoo!...thanks Larry Brown!), and considers Matt Carroll a KEY part of the team, and you see where it falls apart.

There is only one more shot for this Bobcats team to win this preseason: Thursday against the Lakers. We will be watching that game closely. I can't think of a more demoralizing thing than going winless in the preseason, short of talking nonstop of your children while you cost John McCain the damn election...CRAP! I have to change the channel.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

This "Rose" Kid Apparently Is Pretty Good...Wait, What's That On His Arm?

Tonight Derrick Rose played some substantial minutes, 37 to be exact, and put up some quality numbers: 30 points on 13-18 shooting and 7 assists. This helped the Bulls beat the Mavericks, a team that you just look at now and shake your head with pity. Seriously, I am not quite sure whether to have a sit-down meeting with every Mavericks fan reading this and say, "I'm had your shot. It's time to invest all of your effort into the Cowboys and Stars for a while until this roster is gutted. Now go to the bar and have some shots with JR Ewing."

This begs the question, what is the source of Derrick Rose's strength? Athletic ability? Steroids? Bud Light Lime? No, dear reader, I believe that Derrick Rose has made a deal with a powerful sorcerer named "Poodini". How else do you explain this tattoo he has?

While this is a bizarre tattoo, I firmly believe that "Poodini" is a FANTASTIC name for a plumber. If you are in the bathroom, your toilet clogs, and you look down at the mess and say to yourself, "Wow...I wish there was somebody who could come here and just make this whole mess disappear!" Now you know who you are going to call: Derrick Rose.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Women Fighting Kicks Ass

I'll be honest, there were some actual NBA news stories today...and I had no interest in writing about any of them. Call it getting back into the swing of actual "news" instead of the nonsensical drivel that I love...or perhaps just call it not wanting to report on Baron Davis' weekly injuries. Either way, I just wanted to report on something fun and found this.

This is a tad dated (from July of 2008), but if you are like me you have absolutely no knowledge or interest in the WNBA so this will be new to you. I was talking to one of my friends about how I want to write a "Best NBA Fights" story, and he told me that this one WNBA fight made the participants in NBA fights look like pansies. Apparently all hell broke loose in a game a while back and women were attacking each other with the savagery that can only come from repeated testosterone injections (seriously...LOOK at these "ladies". There is no genetic explanation for looking that muscular.)

Well, taking a look for myself, I have to agree with my friend. These she-devils are simply nuts. My only regret in watching this is that these females were not in any way feminine and were wearing jerseys instead of "I (heart) Black and Blue Jor" g-strings. I really have to get on the ball with mass-marketing those.

Anyhoo, enjoy:

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Suns

With the NBA season coming quick, it's rare lately that you look on the internet and there is zilch.
Today is such a day.

As regular readers of The Howeva Files know, this is not a bad thing as we use this time to take a look at some of the most interesting physics and quantum mathematics equations ever. -By this I mean that we stare at NBA team dancers.

For today's dancers we go to a place that spelling-wise should really be called "Fo-enix"...Phoenix. With Shaq talking a lot, it's been two straight Suns entries in a row for yours truly, something Dan Majerle would appreciate (HIS name sounds nothing like the way it is spelled too!) I have some in-law family that lives in Arizona, and all I keep hearing about is that it is "a dry heat" that permeates the land. I have absolutely no idea what that means, but I can only assume it sucks to be stuck next to a guy with no deoderant there.

Anyways, here are some cheerleaders for you, you silly geese.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Shaq Talks Like A Movie Trailer

Seriously, what are we going to do when Shaq decides to retire? What are we going to do for hilarious, well-crafted quotes in an NBA landscape that is increasingly filled with generic post-game "We did our best against a good team" bullcrap? I have a feeling that it won't be until Shaq retires that we all look at what is left and say, "Wow...where did all of the entertainment go?"

Hold on a sec, let me step down from my soapbox.

Ah, much better.

The reason I'm writing about Shaq today stems from his awesome, Chuck-Norris-esque quotes in regards to the San Antonio Spurs playing "Hack-A-Shaq":

You can almost picture Shaq saying this, silently walking out of the room, and putting on sunglasses as the building explodes behind him in an orgy of fire. Real people don't talk like this, which makes it all the more rare and fun. I keep waiting for the movie trailer narrator with a deep voice to hop in and say, "Rated R, now playing in select cities". I'd like to think that at some point I too will get the chance to drop badass quotes like Shaq, but instead I will likely continue to make due with my roundhouse kicks to the faces of evildoers.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Byron Scott Rules With An Iron Fist

Taking a break from watching this video, I stumbled across this on Youtube today. It's a videotaped practice of the New Orleans Hornets, if you could actually call it a "practice". Byron Scott watches Peja, Morris Peterson, and James Posey try to make 40/50 three pointers while he laughs and makes fun of them. Byron makes bets with the players and trash talks like a guy playing Halo against his friends.

In my mind, practices for NBA teams were like the basketball practices at my regimented catholic high school: Sprints, running plays, sprints, full-court layup drills, sprints, and then resultant death. Not so much here, as the tone seems to be more like a bunch of guys laughing in a bar. I half expected Chris Paul to pull out a highball glass and a cigar.

I'm not saying any of this is a bad thing. If anything, it makes me want to kick my high school basketball coach in the nuts.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Let The Game Glitches Begin!

Wow, it's been barely a week since NBA 2k9, NBA Live 09, and NBA 09: The Inside were released and already the hilarious problems are popping up with all three. There are few things in this world that I love as much as seeing a bunch basketball players defying the laws of physics in video game form (Note: I love boobies).

Each game specializes in its own breed of crap. Without any further ado, let's take a look at the awards they have each won in their short lifespans.

Best jump ball: NBA 2k7

Best free throws: NBA 09: The Inside

For my favorite, you have to go with the ol' glitch standby, NBA Live.

Best use of GHOSTS! DAMN, DIRTY GHOSTS!: NBA Live 09

On a side note, what kind of name is "NBA 09: The Inside" anyway? Colons in game titles: For Jackasses.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

A Friendly Preseason Reminder That Kobe Is A Dick

Watching the Lakers the other night, I almost forgot that Kobe Bryant attempts to insert himself into every situation to satisfy his ego. In between the nonstop "Kobe is great" and "This is Kobe's team" sideline reports, America actually got a breather in the form of a friendly Luke Walton interview.

Ohhhh hey, Kobe. Totally forgot about you for a second. Thanks for reminding us that you are in the same venue as someone being interviewed. You can tell how much Luke Walton just wants to kick Kobe in the nuts with how quickly he dismisses him in the video. It's somewhat comforting to know that you can always depend on things in life, like the sun setting, the sun rising, and Kobe Bryant basically being a jackass to anyone within arms length of him.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Mayyyyyyyybe This Wasn't Such A Good Idea

Alright! First preseason game! A great chance to check out my draft pick Danilo Gallinari!

He can't play because he has a sore back? Oh...Well, alrighty then.

At least I'll get a chance to see if my attempts to whip Eddy Curry into shape will come to fluition!

What? He has a mysterious bacterial infection? What does that even mean? Does he have a cold? Is it lupus?

Well, to hell with them. I'll get to check out some of role players and figure out how to shape the bench on this squad. HERE! WE! GO!

Is this the injury report you're handing to me? Let's see....okay what the HELL. Allan Houston, Jerome James AND Jared Jeffries can't dress tonight? Who do I have to give a rub down to get some personal trainer help around here? I mean sheeeeeeyit!

Mustn't...get...down. This town will swallow you alive if you show that you are upset. Stay strong, D'Antoni. Stay strong. (Looks in a pocket mirror, strokes moustache, and kisses at the reflection). There, all better.

Let's go team! Game time! ...God help us all.

(The Knicks lose to the Raptors. Chris Duhon, the Knicks' highly paid free agent acquisition shoots 1-7, and has 7 turnovers. Chris Bosh goes off for 20 points in 25 minutes. Mike D'Antoni spends the night of his first preseason game as Knicks coach with his wife, staring at the ceiling and wondering if he can somehow gracefully bow out of this job and enter the world of high-stakes popcorn sales)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Game Informer Says: NBA Live 09 Better Than NBA 09: The Inside

Wow...that might be the most boring title I've ever used. I have a bad taste in my mouth after that. For shame, Jordan...for shame.

Anyhoo, both NBA 09: The Inside and NBA Live 09 were released today amid almost no fanfare. We have our first real look into a side by side comparison, coming from game informer. How'd they stack up? Read below, you misfit!

Game Informer Sez:

NBA Live 09
Score: 78
"NBA Live 09’s gameplay improvements make this the best game in the series. If more care would have been taken to the new modes, it might have unseated the 2K franchise."

NBA 09: The Inside
Score: 65
"With gliding players prone to stepping out of bounds, animations that lock you out of reactionary movement, and lackluster commentary, the on-court action offers a similar dose of mediocrity as years past. The low post game is a mess, the strategy suffers from simplicity, and the defensive system lacks the sophistication (and usefulness) of its competition."

Wow. If I were an NBA 09: The Inside programmer I would either be putting a hit on Game Informer writers or jumping out of a window (and NOT using the bodies of Wall Street employees that have already jumped out as a spongy pillow). Round 1 goes to NBA Live.
Alright, we'll take a break from this until some more reviews come in so this doesn't become misconstrued as a video game site. There is nothing I hate more than nerds, except maybe self-righteous video game nerds.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Previewing...The Preview Of NBA Live 09 VS NBA 09 The Inside

Tomorrow is the day that this upcoming year's NBA video game titles drop. As I've mentioned in previous columns, I'm an avid PSP player so this unfortunately leaves me unable to get the superior 2K franchise games.

So what are they saying so far?
NBA Live 09

Play UK
"It's a real step-up from last year's version of NBA Live, which felt stilted and robotic by comparison." (Translation: Gameplay seems better)

Playstation: The Official Magazine (US)
"But small gripes aside, NBA Live 09 delivers some great basketball and will please most PS3-owning basketball fans." (Translation: I don't own a does that mean all I am left with is the small gripes?)

PSM3 Magazine UK
The actual gameplay is still awkward and slow next to the flowing brilliance of "2K." (Translation: Well, I knew this. Still, sucks to see it year after year).

Playstation Official Magazine UK
Measured against the rest of EA's high quality pro sports line-up, NBA 09 looks and plays a distinctly amateur game of B-Ball. (Translation: You're playing something the interns whipped up while the rest of the company literally killed chickens in ritualistic sacrifice to ensure Madden 09 would be good).

NBA 09 The Inside

Hardcore Gamer Magazine
Where NBA 09: The Inside shines is in its library of mini-games, more than making up for the lackluster core gameplay. (Translation: This is last year's game repackaged, but with better random mini-games and probably crappier actual basketball)

Where does that leave me? No idea yet, but I'll make my decision soon. The replay-ability of The Inside calls to me for the second straight year, but I am tempted to go with NBA Live simply because it represents the great unknown which I have never experienced. Either way, I'll probably regret my purchase and still spend 80+ hours on the subway for Hedo Turkoglu to make a damn 3 pointer. Stay tuned!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Bobcats

It's Friday! It's Friday! It's Friday! It's...well, it's about 11:12 on a Thursday as I write this...but, screw it! It's Friday!

The only news today is that Rip Hamilton said sleepy dwarf did a bad job at coaching, and spending longer than a sentence writing about that would have driven me into a sleepy dwarf-esque coma. Thus, 'tis time to check out some cheerleaders.

This week we go to North Carolina, home of the Bobcats. I have some friends in the Carolinas, and they all say the same thing: "We love the Panthers! The, uh, Bobcats haven't really caught on so much..." This is quite odd given the fact that they wear the commercially friendly 'highway construction worker orange' and have some sort of bizarre Fraggle Rock character as a logo. Ah, enough beating up on the poor Bobcats. Their cheerleaders demand your attention! Have a good weekend everybody.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Kevin Love Weight Watch: He Be Fat Again

Kevin Love, the Oprah of weight fluctuation, is in the hunt for a personal you smell potential reality tv show gold here as much as I do?

Yes, Love has gained an undisclosed amount of weight, which usually means something horrific. No one has a problem with admitting someone gained 15 yeah it has to be above that. I have to also say that it's always a good sign when:

A) Kevin McHale acquires you. This almost certainly means you suck.


B) You need to hire a chef to keep your weight down, despite the fact that it is your JOB to EXCERCISE and you spend around 10-15 hours a day in the weight room and doing intense cardio.

This leads me to one conclusion: Kevin Love either has a bad glandular problem (in which case he has my sympathies) or is eating scoops of cookie dough on alternating minutes in the day in a bizarre "power hour" display. The real truth is probably much grimmer, with him injecting gravy into his veins like Motley Crue.

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