Thursday, July 31, 2008

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Celtics

"Brian Skinner to sign with the Clippers" is the top news story of the day.

You know what that means, right? CHEERLEADERS.

This week we take a look at the champs, the Boston Celtics. Specifically, we take a look at these two: Look at those smiles. Truly, being an NBA cheerleader is a profession you can brag to your high school friends about and bring up at thanksgiving dinner. In fact, you tell people, "Hey, google 'Boston Celtics Cheerleader' and you'll see me up there. I even have my rump turned suggestively to the camera lens! Isn't that funny, grandma?"

Well, imagine ol' granny's expression when she googles "Boston Celtics Cheerleader", your image comes up...and it happens to be in this golden nugget of photographic genius:
Someone give this guy an award. The fact that the cameraman/camerawoman had the insight to scoot the frame over ever-so-slightly to include him makes it even better. -For this, you see, isn't as much a great photo as it is a metaphoric representation of the Boston sports bar world, where amidst your "Yankees wicked SUCK!" and "Knock Eli's block off, Broooooski!" you can still have a good time.
You can almost imagine Sam Adams doing a similar gesture to this guy during the Boston Tea Party. God bless America.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

New Uniform Time! Huzzah!

Today three teams unveiled their new uniforms for the upcoming season. -Well, they didn't so much UNVEIL them as a ton of internet fanboys and fangirls found internet photos of rookie photo shoots in which the NBA made the players be in the uniforms they would be wearing this upcoming season. Only the Orlando Magic seemed to get away from it without revealing the full monty, saving it for later.

So let's take a look, shall we?

Sacramento Kings
Hmm...not really all that much different here. With the black collar and lack of anything near the shoulder area, this sorta looks like one of those cheap t-shirt jerseys that you can get at Sports Authority, Modells, and other sporting goods stores. This jersey is really more of a metaphor for how the Maloofs and those within the Kings organization are treating the team as of late: "We really don't give a crap about the just toss some generic product out there and call it 'New and Improved'". I maintain my sympathy for Kings fans who are watching their team once again plummet to the depths after a really successful run during the Divac days.
Minnesota Timberwolves
The team scored some points for the new logo they unveiled, even if it was a carbon copy of the Mavericks logo, but this...well THIS is just friggin' awful. Look at that name font. Look at that drab color. For heaven's sake, LOOK AT THAT COLLAR! If there was ever a mish-mash of Kevin McHale's insanity, this is it. I was hoping they would keep the pine trees, as it was a rather creative and original idea to have them on the jersey in the first place, but they are somehow partitioned off to the sides of the collar. The only thing that could possibly make this sillier is if the jersey was modelled by some out of shape guy who is staring down the camera like a creepy outtake from "Deliverance". Someone get Kevin Love on the phone, stat!
Orlando Magic
We're only getting a look at the tippy-top of this jersey since the team is keeping it a secret until a former unveiling, but already America can see into the future: These new Magic jerseys are going to look a bit weird. It looks like Magic rookie Courtney Lee had a zipper on the front of his jersey and pulled it down, as if to say, "Take a look at my manly chest hair." Now imagine an entire TEAM of people looking like they are showing off their chest hair (especially hairy folks like Turkoglu) and you have what will either be the ugliest collection of jerseys or the best retro disco-era jersey of all time. As a Magic fan, I'm hoping for the latter. If they replace the basketball in the Magic logo with a disco ball, consider me sold.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Who's That Person Rocketing Into The Stands?

Oh what a delightful title pun.

Yes, yes...Ron-Ron Artest looks headed off to Houston in exchange for a 1st round pick, Bobby Jackson, and promising rookie Donte Green. This makes both the Kings and Rockets happy, as the Rockets get a promising all-star defender and the Kings assurance that they will not be on ESPN for at least a year (their biggest "star" is either Kevin Martin or the Sacramento squawfish) Someone needs to call the Maloofs and tell them that something actually happened with the team they own while they sip on Appletinis with strippers in a jacuzzi.

This makes for quite an interesting roster for the Rockets:

PG: Streetball star Rafer Alston
SG: Tracy "Doctor Says I need a back-eotomy" McGrady
SF: Ron-Ron...nuff said.
PF: Antonio Banderas (Now going by the name "Luis Scola")
C: Yao, the filthiest mouth in the NBA

Not to mention our favorite player...I will use this random drunk guy in Vegas to remind us of his name:

If that roster doesn't sell some basketball tickets, it will DEFINITELY sell some circus tickets.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Bay Area Citizens Now Forced To Clutch Onto Their Laptops

When I moved to Brooklyn in the summer of 2006 I was a pessimistic and non-committal Celtics fan. I had already endured sometimes mediocre, but mostly laughable pro basketball for 10+ years from the only team on TV in Connecticut and once I had settled into my new digs, my allegiance was up for sale. BBJ was adamant that I make the switch over to the Nets, yet I was still intrigued by the possibility that the Celts would secure UConn star point, Marcus Williams, and the second-coming of Bill Russell in Greg Oden over the next two drafts.

On the evening of the '06 draft, Jor and Rantin' John were waiting for me as I raced up the stairs to Jor's apartment to find out the picks I had missed while stuck on the platform waiting for the L train (a rite of passage for all Brooklyn hipsters).

"You traded for Telfair" was all it took for me to collapse to the floor in anguish.

As the remaining picks unfolded (hilariously, might I remind you that this was the draft that included MJ's pick of Morrison, Jor's assurance to commit hari kari if the Magic picked JJ Redick, Rudy Gay's watch, Balkman- inspired riots, Saer Sene, and McHale getting congratulated for picking the can't-miss Brandon Roy THEN trading him away) I saw Marcus land on the doorstep of the Nets. All of pro ball's experts and ESPN's haircuts said this was a draft day steal and that Danny Ainge was an idiot. I agreed and the soon-to-be Brooklyn Nets had one new fan.

Flash forward to today, the Celtics are world champs and Marcus Williams is exiled from the Nets and is now trying to fill in the vacated point guard spot left by Baron Davis. Not that I'm bitter, but WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?! At this point, I'm confidant that I won't have to worry that my laptop will go missing whenever I go away for a long weekend, but am not in regards to the future of Williams' career. Maybe Nets coach, Lawrence Frank's disgust for Marcus was ill-founded and Williams will blossom out west under the legendary Don Nelson, but it seems more likely that all the GMs who passed on him, including Ainge, actually knew what they were doing back on June 28, 2006.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Kings

Not much of note going on today in the NBA, with the exception of the Monta Ellis resigning with the Warriors, which means it's cheerleader time again.

Today we pay homage to the Sacramento Kings cheerleaders, specificially the awesome ones who posed in these bezerk photos earlier this year. These ladies are intelligent enough to know that when you have to party and take questionable, widely circulated, borderline pornographic images, it is always a good idea to do so while wearing the name of your employer across your chest. Always.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Bobby Brown Gets NBA Contract...Who Will Give Whitney Drugs?

Sorry, sorry, sorry. The Bobby Brown that got an NBA guaranteed contract is actually a different Bobby Brown. That, kids, is what we writers call a "hook". It is somewhere in the writing thesaurus next to the word "shameless".

The OTHER Bobby Brown was signed today by the Kings after destroying other guards in the summer league like Mike Conley and DJ Augustin. The growing buzz surrounding his game even made the evil Europeans take notice, with both Maccabi Tel-Aviv and Barcelona (my honeymoon spot) trying to sign him. -Damn my greedy honeymoon spot.

The signing of Brown by the Kings, in my opinion, is further proof of the existence of God. Who else would be able to conceive of an NBA lineup that would be comprised of both Ron Artest and Bobby Brown? That's like a "meteoric fall from grace" hall of fame. Add Mike Tyson to that lineup and you have comedic gold. Yes...yes, once again it is not the same Bobby Brown...I know...but it's just so damn fun to SAY!

Congrats to Bobby Brown on getting a lucrative deal. I leave you with a fine selection from the other Bobby Brown's library. 'Tis a fine musical contemplation on the romance that surrounds us and binds us in the world...entitled "Humpin' Around". Enjoy:

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Barkley Plays God...Actually Pretty Nice About It

We all know that Charles Barkley loves to chuck his hard-earned money down the toilet, what with him losing comical amounts of money to a not-so-comical gambling addiction.

Well, now that Sir Charles has gone cold turkey from gambling, what incinerator-like apparatus will he throw his money into? Turns out it is a busboy.

Alright, I admit, that last sentence probably sounded a little suggestive, but America's favorite NBA analyst/Deodorant spokesman actually seems to be doing something really nice here by offering to pick up the college tuition of a busboy at a restaurant he frequents. -Granted, when Barkley gives an generous offer such as this one, apparently he still has to act like God when he does it:

Barkley didn't give him much time, telling Abate that he had the length of Barkley's meal to decide. Abate wisely accepted.

Ah who am I kidding? If I had money like Barkley does I would be way worse than that about it. People would dance, yes DANCE, for my money. Then I would do crazy things like force the Cleveland Browns to actually get a logo. If they failed to comply, I'm shipping them straight to Baltimore again!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Top Gamewinners Of The Season

This video from NBA TV has been making it around the internet as...well...people like game winning shots. I figured, "Hey, it's Monday. You have a long week ahead of ya, and you need some smiles." We all know nothing spells "smile" like the vision of a bearded Scot Pollard running onto the court to congratulate Ray Allen like some sort of neo-Grizzly Adams:

I'm amazed that Durant clip wasn't #1. That shot just made everyone in America shake their heads in confused admiration. Of all the clips, #5 has a special place in my heart simply for that sound of celebration that the announcer makes. It's like a half-shriek, half falling-to-his-death sound. I can only hope that I can inspire shrieks like that from the ladies when I show them my mad Scattegories skillz.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Oklahoma City Thunder? A City Sighs Apathetically

Rumors are swirling that the NBA Oklahoma City team is going to be named the "Thunder", leaving those with thunder-thighs to be consistently reminded of their condition.

There has been a long and proud long tradition of teams with the name "Thunder". These are including, but not limited to:

The Berlin Thunder European NFL Team

Claim To Fame: You can play as them in Madden when you are REALLY bored.

Logo Choice: A mallet rotating in space. USSR logo fans cry copycat!

Coolness Factor (out of 10): 5. The mallet scores points with Super Mario Hammer Bros. fans.

The Orlando Thunder World League Football Team

Claim To Fame: A team in one of the least successful football leagues...ever.

Logo Choice: Pretty clouds with a lightning bolt. Could be on a shirt at Gymboree.

Coolness Factor (out of 10): 3. Nothing scary about this football team. White facemasks?

Minnesota Thunder Soccer Team

Claim To Fame: Soccer team at some point before MLS started. Whoopee!

Logo Choice: A soccer ball. Was that really the best they could do?

Coolness Factor (out of 10): 1. I just threw up in my mouth.

About 8 Million Minor League Baseball/Softball Teams.

Claim To Fame: Baseball takes any boring team name and exploits it. This is no exception.

Logo Choice: Lightning bolts of various sizes. Just don't get the thunder/lightning distinction.

Coolness Factor (out of 10): 0. Just unbearable.

Wow, if this is any indication, the OKC Thunder are in great company and are sure to prosper for a number of years. Actually...they have been already, as a World League Football team. Wow! Who would have thunk that the Orlando Thunder moved and the NBA blatantly ripped off their name? Things are looking up, Mr. Stern!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Lakers

Nothing really to report in the world of the NBA today, so it's time to view some NBA cheerleaders again. For today's edition we go to La-La land, exactly where I will be mentally this weekend.

Happy viewing to all you Batman fans out there, and when you get a chance make sure you check out the coolest-est movie trailer around. Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: New Orleans

When the exploits of James Posey are seen as explosive, pulse-pounding news, you know it is a bit slow in the world of the NBA (incidentally, he signed for the career quagmire of the league, known as "The Bucks")

I figure on these slow news days, instead of boring you with half-assed reporting attempts at making James Posey-esque stories sound important, I'd just rather give you some eye candy.

Presenting something I like to call "Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day!"

Today, Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: New Orleans

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

O.J. Mayo 1 for 1 In Crazy NBA Halfcourt Shots

OJ Mayo, surely one to be on this site many times in the future with his "Ron Artest-like Bravado", and "Reggie Bush-like Collegiate Money Scandals" can now add "Gilbert Arenas-like Circus Shots" to his business card. -That's because of this shot that he drilled yesterday in the summer league.

I love full court shots, but have to admit about 99 percent of them are about luck with the player barely even looking at the hoop. On this shot, however, O.J. actually squares up his body and has somewhat good form letting it go...while in the air! I'd make a superhero joke here, but doing that would only make me want to see Batman: The Dark Knight more than I already do.

While you watch, please note the complete lack of a physical reaction from the audience while the shot goes in. Sorry to wake you, summer league fans.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Top 10 Shaq Quotes

Donte Green scored 40 points in his summer league debut and...yeah, that was about it. Slow news day in the NBA, but that means we get to waste more time looking at silly stuff.

An oldie but a goodie: Top 10 Shaq quotes through the years:

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Watch The Hands, Buddy

The NBA is a high-octane sport, and sometimes as a result there is a lot of...ahem...personal contact and awkward moments. Here are some of those moments, peppered with a few random silly images to help your Monday drag a little less:

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Redick: Coming To A Team Near You?

With shooting guard Mike "I bring-a da champ-ee-on-sheep to de Orlando" Pietrus signed, JJ Redick's days with the Magic seem to be done. Internet rumors have Redick cleaning out his locker pre-emptively a la Kobe, and telling newspaper folks that "the writing's been on the wall for a while" that he would be leaving Orlando. With his escalating number of snide comments, Redick, arguably the most hated college player of the modern era, appears ready to once again pick up his helm as that outspoken spoiled kid who is ready to make America's eyes roll all over again. The question is...will the overrated cocky white kid be on YOUR team next?

You may ponder, "How could he be played so LITTLE by the Magic? Surely Stan Van Gundy could find a spot for him SOMEWHERE, right?" Wellllllll...not so much. As a Magic fan, I've had some time to watch him play in between sessions of passing gatorade to James Augustine. The all time ACC college scoring champion just doesn't have a game that works in the pros. His soft, "I shoot baskets in between Abercrombie and Fitch shopping sprees!" mentality doesn't translate in the NBA...a league in which defense and silly stuff like taking it to the hole strong matter. Exhibit A, B, and C of the thunderous POWER of Redick scoring drives:

Redick will most likely wind up traded, and at best his fate appears to be sealed in the "Kyle Korver skinny white guy who just spots up at the three point line and plays in spot duty" role. Until then, chuck a striped shirt and glasses on him because like "Where's Waldo?" it will be a challenge to find him cracking playing time in the NBA anytime soon.

On a side note, does anyone even shop at Abercrombie and Fitch anymore? Perhaps their black and white images of nude men on the sides of buildings in New York somehow managed to backfire.

EDIT: Against all that is practical, Redick is now claiming he is fine in Orlando and he hasn't cleaned out his locker.  Sounds like someone's agent got wind of his clients pissy attitude and told him to bear with it to avoid a P.R. disaster. 

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Back With A Vengeance/Free Agency Move Grades

Back from the honeymoon and ready to talk NBA. I wanted to do a draft recap with grades and whatnot, but with players already showing their stuff in the summer league that would sort of be a cop-out. Plus, does anyone REALLY want to talk about Brook and Robin Lopez more than they have to? Nah, me neither.

Thus, instead let's take a look at what can only be described as a COMPLETELY CRAZY DAY OF NBA agency style. I will grade the moves that happened today, because in my opinion everything in life should be graded (Ants? B minus. Teal dress shirts? D plus).


Whyzzat? Everyone is saying how bad an idea it is that Brand is leaving a big market like Los Angeles and Baron Davis, who basically signed on just to be with him. I disagree. The Clips are the Kansas City Royals/Arizona Cardinals/...(hockey equivalent of this)... of the NBA, escape can only be described as a success. Also, the Sixers are a team seriously on the rise and Brand could be the vet that team needs to go somewhere in the playoffs. Yay for our favorite pornstar named coach Mo Cheeks!

Whyzzat? Corey spends allllll this time deciding betweenwhich contender to go to. Spurs? Celtics? Magic? -And then takes a tiny bit more money to go to a suddenly Baron Davis and Mickael Pietrus-less team that appears to be on a serious decline with how they've Hindenburg-ed this offseason. Golf clap for ending your career disgruntled, Corey.

Whyzzat? The Magic wanted Chris Duhon and wound up missing out on the Knicks who spent too much. The Magic then wanted Corey Maggette and realized they wouldn't get him. Their third option will probably wind up being the best of all three. Mickael Pietrus fits their bill of defensive-minded guards who can shoot the three, as well as making fohawk-wearer JJ Redick sit even further back on the bench. I was annoyed when the Magic drafted Redick, but am warming to it since at this point the team appears solely dedicated to keeping him on the roster to find new ways to piss him off.

The jetlag is killing me, so we'll leave it at that today, but there is much more to discuss in the first few days of the free agent signing period. Hopefully we see more craziness, like Josh Smith sign with Olympiakos for a pile of chocolate coins. Stay tuned!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Still In Spain Honeymoonin´ It Up...As The Kids Say

Writing using my hotel´s television while I´m on my honeymoon in Spain...That´s right! The friggin´TELEVISION. Technology is wonderful.

On the downside, I appear to have no "enter" key and it took me about 5 minutes just to locate the spacebar. On the plus side, I can easily do this: ÑÑÑÑÑÑ¡¡¡¡¡¡ I´ve been wanting to do that for years! Success!

Since beer is cheaper than bottled water here, I´m going to keep this short in between gulps of Estrella Cerveza: THF will be back in full swing next week upon my return and there will be lots of NBA madness to discuss.

The wedding was fantastic, and my hats off to G.L Rawx for keeping the site going during my break. Thanks as well to Anubis Taylor for fantastic best man duties...namely chasing a drunk naked guy off of the road while the bridal party was leaving the reception hall (long story).

Cheers from Spain and be back soon.

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