Friday, November 30, 2007

J.R. Smith Is A Delight

First off, a quick shout out to our friends at Deadspin for putting our site on their page for the Knicks broadcasting article. Gotta love those guys.
Few NBA players are interesting enough to check in on them on a regular basis. Some players on the other hand make people excited to click on their "player news" on fantasy basketball teams.

One of those interesting guys for me is JR Smith (not that I would ever have him on my fantasy basketball team, but you get the point).

JR is a member of a select breed of NBA stars I like to call "The Super Crazies". This group also includes Qyntel Woods, Rasheed Wallace, Stephon Marbury, Chris Anderson, Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson, and a few others. I call them The Super Crazies because their bizarre antics almost make their lives seem like something out of a comic book. I also like to think that on weekends they fight crimes using their superpowers, but in reality they probably just commit crimes.

Today the Rocky Mountain News reported that J.R. Smith is nicknamed "YoungRich" by his friends. To unlock the cryptic, enigmatic puzzle of why he is nicknamed this, J.R. responded:

"Because I'm young and I'm rich. My homeboys gave it to me."

Apparently he loves this nickname, even writing it on his shoes. Nevermind the fact that he makes less than half of the league's average salary or that his first name already IS a nickname.

To make the story even better, apparently the Nuggets showed J.R. on a segment called "This or That," during a home game. He was asked if he preferred "love" or "money."

J.R. of course answered "money." His sage answer would have made Socrates look like a dumbass:

"Because love can hurt you. Money never hurts you."
Well said, my friend, well said.

I'm sure there was more to be said, but J.R. probably saw The Super Crazies signal in the sky and had to do his thing. You can tell when that happens because in the newspaper the next day you can see "J.R. Smith suspended by the Nuggets due to 'conduct detrimental to the team'".

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Oh Dear Lord



There's losing and then there is this.

I'd write more, but what can I write? The punchline is on the scoreboard.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

This One Might Be Worth Watching

Thursday night the Knicks play the Celtics, a game that should be very, very entertaining.

No, silly, it's not because the Knicks actually will do anything against America's best NBA team. They might lose by 60 points and Eddy Curry's heart might explode on the floor.

It's because the masterminds at TNT have put together what will amount to a "Knicks Haters Throughout History" broadcasting team.

One of the broadcasters is Reggie Miller, villain numero uno amongst Knicks fans. Today he had some less than glowing comments about how the Knicks are being run this year:

"Right now, they are a league-wide joke. It's sad because they are an historic and iconic franchise. But people think they are late night comedy jokes."

Doesn't he realize the late night comedy writers are on the writer's guild strike? Way to stay topical in your two sentences, Reggie.

Joining Reggie is Marv Albert, who was kicked out of the gig of being Knicks broadcaster when he criticized the Knicks in 2004(amazingly they kept him on when he had that sex scandal a ways back.) I went to a Knicks gala event at MSG when I was younger and part of the event had Marv Albert as a waiter at my table (I'm not joking). I spent most of the time talking to him and he seemed like a nice guy, albeit a bit boring. Al Trautwig was much cooler and very entertaining. Anyhoo, less than a week later, that sex scandal story broke and he was fired quickly. I still get shivers thinking about the timing of my meeting him.

Rounding out the crew is Mike Fratello, who had a handshake agreement with Isiah to coach the Knicks before he got toupee-blocked by the surpise hiring of Lenny Wilkins. Just hearing "Lenny Wilkins, Knicks coach" makes even the most casual sports fan smack their forehead and say "Shit...Isiah has been there a LONG time! How is he still employed?" For the answer, see Reggie's quote above.

Needless to say, I'm going to call it a hunch that the Celtics will jump out to a quick lead and the night will descend into an evening-long Knicks roast. Comedy Central might want to broadcast this one later.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Drew Gooden Is A Bit Underdressed

It looks like Drew Gooden replaced his left arm with some kind of robotic attachment. Who needs Anderson Varejao when you've got a cyborg patrolling the middle?

Boston Loses Again: America Rejoices

Tonight the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Boston Celtics 109-104, after Sasha Pavlovic hit a key three pointer to send the game into overtime. Lebron had 38 points and 13 assists, essentially matching in one game what will take players like Joel Przybilla a full season to amass. This loss makes the Celtics a (paltry) 11-2 and actually makes the Cavs look respectable for a day or so until they lose at Detroit tomorrow night...I'd say "you heard it here first" but you probably already knew that would be the outcome.

Somewhere Anderson Varejao just read that, nodded along, and went back to stuffing his mouth with turkey legs and lard.

It is a shame most people are wishing for the utter demise of everything involved with the Celtics, especially since they were bad for a while and Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett seem like really nice guys. The fact remains that SOMEONE must be the nation's punching bag while we watch Red Sox victory parades and Patriots undefeated seasons. Plus, with the Lakers' press dying down and the Pistons avoiding any sort of news, someone had to take the mantle of "that perennially successful team who suddenly gets good and all of the fans from 10 years ago hop on the bandwagon again". Those types of fans need to be hunted for sport (not even for the vital meat they provide hunters).

Percentage-wise, after this game the Celtics should still be the top team in the league.

On top of this, the Celts play New York and Miami yeah...make that 13-2.

DAMN YOU CELTICS! (Shakes fist at the heavens)

Ah well, at least tonight America can celebrate, as the sports landscape has made us appreciate the small victories in life.

Hey, on a side note, is Bill Simmons still readable anymore? I haven't read him in about 6 months simply because I fear how smug he is by this point. My guess is his site has turned into one gigantic image of him fellating the Patriots mascot. At this point it might be legal in some states (definitely in New York) to push Bill Simmons down an elevator shaft as long as you casually say "Sorry, Dude" and notify his family.

Monday, November 26, 2007

The OJ Report

So USC coach, Tim Floyd, is running his program like a rec league team where everyone gets a chance to start. Or that's his excuse anyway for not starting our man OJ against the No. 18 Souther Illinois Salukis in the title game of the Anaheim Classic on Sunday night. Well that little experiment didn't last long as Mayo played a total of 28 minutes, leading the Trojans to a blowout win and racking up the Most Outstanding Player award.

So what really happened that lead to Mayo's benching? Did he break another teammate's jaw 'accidentally' or just show up late to practice? Did he stick up a McDonalds a la Marcus Vick, or did he just not run hard in his sprints in practice? I'm drooling in anticipation for the answers.

And since many of you were probably watching the Patriots on Monday, I'll let you in on a secret: The Nets may be decent. Over the past few years, whenever a team from the east would travel west, they'd come back with their tail between their legs. Not this time. They won three out of the four during their west coast swing, cemented by a thrilling win over the Lakers. This brings them back into the thick of the competitive Atlantic Division. So what do we actually learn from this trip? Coming off the bench, Sean Williams is becoming an anchor on defense, much like Kenyon "Bad Ass Yellow Boy" Martin was back in the day. His shot blocking ability is allowing Kidd and Jefferson to play the passing lanes and get out on the fast break. And speaking of Jefferson, this also may be the season that when it's over, we all look back and recognize that this was when RJ finally vaulted ahead of Vince Carter to become the dependable go-to scorer on the team.

The way it's looking right now, there's no way that they'll be able to compete with the Celtics for the division crown, but it is exciting to see J-Kidd have a supporting cast that will at least run with the man.


When the top story in the NBA is that a backup forward averaging 1.1 points will miss three weeks due to injury, you know you it's been a quiet day in the news.
Thank GOD for Dennis Rodman.

Dennis Rodman is getting sued by a woman, claiming he "smacked her ass so hard it left a mark". Apparently Rodman walked into the Hard Rock Casino and gave her a love tap on the butt to show his affection, one of his many staple moves.

So did Rodman deny it? Did he claim he was trying to swat a fly on her butt? Did he blame it on someone else or say it was a clone?

Of course not! In true Rodman-esque fashion, his defense as of now is, "Let's just have a good time!"

Only three people in this world can get away with such a defense: Isiah Thomas, 1970's-era Burt Reynolds and Dennis Rodman. Since Isiah Thomas recently lost a sexual harrassment case and Burt Reynolds' career is completely in the shitter, this leaves only Dennis to carry on the ass-slapping in America.

Fear not. While I am firmly against ANY non-consentual touching, I think Rodman will win this case.

Apparently at the time the woman in question bragged about Rodman touching her bottom, and decided to wait OVER A YEAR AND A HALF after the incident to press any sort of charges. Most analysts believe the case will be thrown out because it is very obvious the woman is attempting to cash in (from Dennis Rodman? Does he even have any money anymore or is it all in wedding dresses at this point? This woman must only read newspapers from the 1990s).

Time will tell if Rodman can avoid any legal action to live to smack another day, but we'll stay on top of this case. If that woman's bottom hasn't healed after a year and a half, I might actually have nightmares of Rodman's hand tonight.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Agent Zero Might Be On His Butt Playing Video Games For Longer Than Expected

The Wizards say Gilbert Arenas will return to action in 3 months after reinjuring his left knee, but it sounds like he wants to take a tad longer.

How much longer? How about the whole year:

"I need to start thinking about longevity in my career instead of just this injury right now. Every great player has missed at least one year. I'm going to go in, do my rehab and take my time this time. I have to be right for the next six, seven years of my career."

Zounds! If you close your eyes immediately after reading that, you can get a clear mental picture of Wizard's management knocking Eddie Jordan out of the Wizard's coaching spot in the future. In my personal vision, the Wizards hire Zidane and he headbutts Jordan out of a 10-story window.

Agent Zero's apparent decision to ignore team doctors sounds eerily similar to Dwayne Wade's decision to come back on his own schedule. It kinda makes me wish I had decided to enter the world of sports medicine, as I would have gotten a shitload of money to have the organization pressure me into decisions and have the players ignore them anyways. Low risk, high reward sounds good to me!

Still, very sad news that one of the most entertaining players in the NBA could be be out for a very long time. Almost makes you want to cry.

-You, not me. I have Caron Butler in most of my fantasy basketball teams! (helloooo at least 20 shots a game!)

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Happy Turkey Day!!!

THF wants to wish you all a Happy Turkey Day!

Eat your food, segregate into groups of men watching football and women complaining, and roll your eyes when that crazy uncle of yours begins drinking just a bit too much and calling everyone "Fuckwad".

We leave you with these images of Mehmet Okur and Hedo Turkoglu. It is our gift to you. When you carve into them, make sure to do something with the giblets.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Now You've Done It! You've Pissed Off Tommy Hilfiger!

With the the Knicks playing their last home game before the holiday, coach and team president, Isiah Thomas, inserted his malcontent point guard, Starbury, back into the starting lineup. Result: A blowout loss to the previously 2-win Golden State Warriors accompanied by numerous chants of "Fire Isiah" throughout the night. In attendance were Tommy Hilfiger (who hasn't been relevant since the ODB was alive and not fat), UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, owner James Dolan, and not to mention Commish David Stern.

I'm sure if you'll listen to Max Kellerman this morning you'll hear how this is actually just part of Thomas' master vision for the team, but you KNOW my man Stephen A will bring his Hammer of Cheese Doodles down afterwards. On who's head though?

He's got to be worn out from being drunk promoting his piece of shit shoes and banging interns in the back of trucks. I'd know, cuz that's what I do every day.

Eddie Curry and Zach Randolph?
Is there any possible way that NBC and MSG got mixed up and made the contestants for The Biggest Loser the starting front court?

The Ladies?
No way. Stephen A loves the ladies, no matter their size, shape, color, or creed. He's the Love Doctor baby!

God I hope so. Amongst things he's ruined besides the Knicks are popcorn and the CBA, which was the only sport I enjoyed while I was a middle school twerp growing up in Hartford (besides of course, trying to get at the expanding bust lines of my female classmates). Remember how people thought it couldn't get worse when Don Nelson left? Wow, we were all WAY off.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Uh Oh. Lakers Just Got Better

Today the Los Angeles Lakers and Orlando Magic agreed on a deal that sent Trevor Ariza and Orlando's injury exception (acquired when Tony Battie got hurt) to the Lakers for Brian Cook and Maurice Evans.

On paper, this trade makes it look like the Magic just got slashed with a ginsu knife.

Ariza, while not a fantastic shooter, is incredibly athletic and plays like an uncaged beast. He rebounds, blocks shots, plays good defense, and flies all over the court. He is also approximately 20 feet tall, and has sired over 800 children all over the midwest while traveling with his blue ox, Babe.

On the flipside, Lakers fans use Brian Cook trading cards to wipe their nose. He is a tall outside shooter who can't play defense and can't rebound...always a good thing! Maurice Evans, while great in spurts, is inconsistent and gives the Magic a glut of shooting guards.

You never know, Stan Van Gundy has found a way to actually make shitstains Keith Bogans, Pat Garrity, and Adonal Foyle into good, respectable pieces on a championship calibur team. These two guys could experience similar resurgences in their careers.

For now, though, Lakers fans should be dancing in the streets like their town just lifted the ban on dancing (real men give "Footloose" shout-outs).

Monday, November 19, 2007

Orlando and Chicago: A Tale Of Two Cities

The way the Magic are eating through opponents, you know Stan Van Gundy is going to let out an enormous stinky belch of contentment any moment now.

That aforementioned belch stink? If that belch stink had sex with Britney Spears it would smell vaguely like the way the Chicago Bulls have been playing this season.

While the Magic beat both The Squad Bill Simmons Would Blow With A Smile On His Face and the surprising (and surprisingly fun to watch) Hornets on back to back nights, the Bulls have found a way to lose to the 76ers, Bucks and a slew of other teams this year. Not only that, the Bulls have been getting completely blown out in many of their games. Last night they lost to the Lakers 106-78, losing by the largest margin in the history of Lakers-Bulls matchups (the previous record Bulls loss was 27 points).

Coming into this season these two teams could not have been more different. The Bulls were viewed as the solid, coldly efficient, well-run organization whose players everyone wanted. The Magic were the unstable, wildly inconsistent, absolutely horrifically-run organization, whose players people wouldn't even take for free (Pat Garrity's contract was probably thrown out there in exchange for a good back rub).

So what happened? How did the fates of these two teams swap like the spit between yo momma and me?

Most sportswriters favor the notion that the Bulls were horribly affected by the Kobe trade talk. These same guys have pointed to the acquisition of Rashard Lewis as the turnaround for the Magic.

Foolish sportswriters. I will crush them like bugs.

The truth of the matter is that Chicago has lost confidence in Scott Skiles (or as I like to call him, the Transporter) and are resting their hopes on some really inconsistent guys. Skiles' "I'm an asshole and that's the way I coach" attitude is alienating everyone around him. Everyone knows about his shitfit over Ben Wallace's headband, but most don't know about just how intense he acts all the time. Here is a fun snippet about his recruitment of potential rookies:

LaMarcus Aldridge got a taste of what it's like to be coached by Scott Skiles on Tuesday night when Skiles and Bulls general manager John Paxson took him to dinner downtown. "Scott Skiles came across as a very focused and determined man," Aldridge said after a solo workout for the Bulls on Wednesday. "At the table, he stared at me for five or 10 minutes and didn't say anything. I was kind of wondering, 'Did I do something wrong?' "After a while, he started to open up and we had a great time. I had thought he was going to be quiet the whole time."

Wow. Sign me up to play for that guy.

Also, despite the fact that every person in America was in unison that Luol Deng and Tyrus Thomas were the future of Chicago basketball, this year you have crappy and overrated Ben Gordon shooting anything that touches his hands and Tyrus Thomas getting about 8 minutes of playing time off of the bench. To be fair, Thomas has had growing pains this season but part of bringing a young key player up is not punishing him in such a merciless way as he learns.

As for the Magic, the key for them isn't Rashard Lewis (although he definitely has helped). They are doing this well because of the tutlage of Dwight Howard under Patrick Ewing and the coaching of Stan Van Gundy.

Last year, Howard was regarded by the Waltons of the world as a "superstar who is simply unstoppable!" Anyone who watched him longer than 5 minutes realized the guy really had no idea how to do anything but dunk, rebound, and smile. He had no jumpshot, he couldn't pass, he would freak out if he was double teamed, and had yet to learn his free throw percentage was not supposed to mimic a good golf score. Under Patrick Ewing, an extremely unlikely hero as he was widely regarded as a moron who couldn't teach Yao anything in Houston, Howard has blossomed. Ewing got him shooting jump hooks, passing like a pro, cutting through people with a mean streak, and (thanks in part to the free throw coach) actually making free throws. The free throws are worth about 10 extra points a game right there. -Yes, they do matter Shaq.

On top of this, you have Stan Van Gundy and his amazing Ron Jeremy moustache giving the team a whole new slew of report card grades entering the year:

JJ Redick? F. You SUCK at defense, whiteboy. Get on the bench and shut the fuck up.
Keith Bogans? B+ Damn, you actually can shoot threes! And your defense is nice too!
Trevor Ariza? C. You are freakishly athletic, but can't hit the side of the barn with your shot.
Pat Garrity? B- You may suck at life, but you hustle and still can hit the trey.

Before Stan's arrival, the team was planning on starting either Redick or Ariza and was almost too eager to part ways with Garrity and Bogans. Now the roles are almost reversed, and you have to pat Stan on his hairy back for having the testicular fortitude to buck convention and go with guys he liked. The team believes in him, and it's not only because they saw a lookalike of him produce a money shot on Chasey Lain's face.

The Bulls and Magic will almost certainly even their records out a bit, but the bottom line remains that Scott Skiles is looking like a "douche of the year" award winner while Stan is proving himself to be the best available coach of this past offseason.

This year they play each other on New Years Eve.

-Fitting as these two teams are having completely new years from last season.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

NBA Live, The EA Sports "We Don't Give A Shit" Franchise

Sorry Gilbert, although we all know you are the coverman for NBA Live 08, even you have to admit that EA Sports isn't exactly lighting it up on the basketball front.

Last year, nearly everyone I knew that owned a PS2, XBOX, or suped-up toaster opted for NBA 2k7 instead of NBA Live 07. I followed suit after a wave of bad reviews of NBA Live 07 convinced me to do so. I wasn't disappointed and had a blast with NBA 2k7.

This year, reviews once again seem to state that you are likely better off to go with NBA 2k8 instead of NBA Live 08 across the board, but I was not lucky enough to make this easy choice. You see, dear reader, I own a PSP portable thingamajig.

The only NBA games for the PSP this year are NBA Live 08, and NBA 08. While NBA 2k8 features a sleek looking Chris Paul on the cover, and NBA Live 08 has a determined Gilbert Arenas, NBA 08 has a somewhat confused Amare Stoudamire, looking sideways like he just smelled a Rosie O'Donnell fart.

NBA o8 is the red-headed stepchild of the three titles. While it has NBA play like the other two, it ALSO promises (and I'm not making this up) a mode in which you play as Amare Stoudamire...playing carnival games like Whack-A-Mole, Skee-ball, and Pinball. They also have something called "Conquest Mode" in which you play other cities and take over their best players like Risk.

Since usually gimmicks = garbage, I opted to go with NBA Live 08 for the PSP. The unknown of NBA 08 was just too terrifying and I wussed out.

Usually when I buy a game I feel great, but this time I felt kinda crappy. I felt like I had settled for the sister of the hot girl...the one with a unibrow and teeth sticking out of her forehead. I wanted to feel better, so before I opened the package I looked online for some videos past and present of various NBA Live games.

This video is what I watched to see what I would get to look forward to with NBA Live franchise. Enjoy:

I promptly ran out of my apartment, hopped on a bus, and returned NBA Live 08 for NBA 08 and felt great about it. You know you made the right choice when you feel good about yourself after spending close to an hour and a half on a trip to exchange a video game.

Time to play some Amare Whack-A-Mole.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

THF Field Trip Time! Magic vs. Nets at The Izod Center

Last night I left the beautiful lights of New York City with some friends to travel to New Jersey to watch the Nets take on the Orlando Magic. Why not just see the Knicks play the Magic in New York?

Um...have you been to MSG anytime in the past 10 years? It's an expensive port-o-john (except in a port-o-john you can actually see what's happening in front of you with no blind spots).

Entering the game, the teams had been headed in different directions. While the Magic were 7-2 and looking like a powerhouse in the East, the Nets had just lost Vince Carter to an injury for a few weeks and were looking a bit beaten up at 4-4.

Needless to say, it was a game I had to see.

Here's how it went down:
We showed up at the Nets Arena, newly christened "The Izod Center" (formerly Continental Airlines Arena). I immediately had the concrete reason the Nets were starting slowly this season: The Izod Center is the most flamboyant looking stadium in the world, down to the point of being laughable.

This actually upset me as I grew up in New Jersey and have a special place in my heart for the Nets. The outside of the stadium was red and yellow stripes, and all throughout the stadium (and I mean EVERYWHERE) there were Izod catalog photos of metrosexual white skiiers.

This was the enormous banner over the section I was sitting. Obviously this is extremely menacing and something that has struck fear into the heart of every Nets opponent:

We found our seats, which were $20 specials (THF spares no expense), but this wasn't a problem as the seats at Continenta- er - Izod are really good and there isn't a bad seat in the house.

Before I sat down, I was immediately booed by a Nets loyalist. He booed me the entire time I ascended the steps to my seat, laughing and smiling. I smiled back and gave him the finger. It might have had something to do with what I was wearing:

The Asshole Nets Loyalist fan quieted down, and resumed watching the game (it was the middle of the first quarter when we showed up. Damn subways). I vaguely remembered this guy from a game I went to last year. He was yelling the whole game that the Nets were the greatest team on the planet because they were winning the entire time by a range of 2 to 5 points. He obviously would need to be shut up (foreshadowing!)

We took our seats and were quickly absorbed in the mayhem. Yelling and downing overcooked chicken tenders.

This is as good a time as any to mention perhaps the most important feature in Nets games: Sly the Fox. Sly is the Nets mascot, and I don't give a SHIT what anyone says, he is the creepiest looking- and thus the best- mascot in the NBA. Last year they actually had a "Mini-Sly" at the games, a midget version that would follow Sly around. Sadly, Mini-Sly was not back for this season, which was a shame as seeing that midget shoot t-shirts into the crowd with his t-shirt cannon was one of the best images of my (or anyone's) life.

Here is Sly rallying up the crowd. Those are probably unpaid slave Nets interns running around him with "Nets" flags:

I'd love to say that this game was close and going back and forth, but that simply was not the case. As I said earlier, the teams were going in different directions when they came in, so the Magic promptly jumped out to a 15 point lead that they held all game. Besides a few minor comebacks, the Nets looked gassed and seemed to admit defeat somewhere around the beginning of the 2nd quarter.

On the bright side, the fans were thus blessed the entire game with a terrifyingly funny graphic of Sly gesticulating wildly with "Defense" on the screen. I'm sure it gave at least 20 kids in the stadiums nightmares that night, much to my delight:

With the game quickly out of hand, it was time to look around the crowd and see what was going on. In my opinion, this is easily the best part of going to a basketball game as the stadium will inevitably be filled with a ton of crazies and borderline illegal activities. The security at Nets games has always been something for ridicule amongst my friends and I.

One quick scan revealed this guy. He was filming the entire game in front of a security guard. -And by the entire game...I mean the ENTIRE GAME. After 2 quarters of laughing that he never moved, never even dropped his arms to get blood back into his hands, his girlfriend came out of her seat about 10 rows up and asked him if he was returning to his seat to be with her. Like a true fan, he glanced at her, muttered something like, "Bitch, sit down and enjoy those seats I bought" and went back to filming. Right on.

Next, it was time for t-shirts to be shot into the crowd. Before I even had a chance to shed a single tear over the dearly departed Mini-Sly, I was treated to a grand spectacle. They were dropping t-shirts in little mini parachutes from the ceiling, causing people to claw and maim each other to get under them to catch them.

One father was sitting right below a t-shirt that was dropped and had his hands up to catch it. His two 5 year old kids were jumping up and down excitedly because they were about to get a present. Juuuuuust as the t shirt is about to land in his hands, one guy (dressed in what looked like a camo jacket) took a running start and launched himself onto the guys back and snatched the shirt. He almost knocked the father unconscious, probably kicked the kids in the head, and made off with the prize. This made the entire section erupt in laughter until we realized those kids were screwed, and probably decapitated. Luckily, the camo guy gave the father the tshirt...saying loudly that all he wanted was the parachute it was attached to (I'm not making this up...gotta love Nets fans). This is the parachute in question, moments before the bloody spectacle that was to befall it below:

The best was still to come though.

With the Magic winning handily, the Nets fans began to get restless. Our section, in particular, started a giant chant of "COLLINS SUCKS!", astutely pointing out that Nets center Jason Collins is slightly better than a chunk of driftwood. If there was a ringleader of the "COLLINS SUCKS!" chants, it was this guy, who at one point yelled, "GET ON YOUR KNEES, REFS, BECAUSE YOU'RE BLOWING THE GAME!". We'll call him "Loud Nets Fan" from here on out:

I watched in gleeful delight as the inevitable happened. The Asshole Nets Loyalist, who booed me earlier in the night, turned and looked up. He cockily said to Loud Nets Fan, "Shut the FUCK up. Jason Collins is one of the best centers in the league. Shut the FUCK up!". Uh oh. Game on.

Here is the Asshole Nets Loyalist in the act of saying this. Damn, I'm a good photographer:

The Loud Nets Fan, flanked on either side by 2 girls (who WAS this guy?), said, "Are you JOKING? Jason Collins sucks dick for a living. He doesn't play basketball. Name one other center in the league that is better than him."

Challenged, Asshole Nets Loyalist exhibited his amazing NBA knowledge and spurted forth a name that would haunt him the rest of the game:

"He's better than Chris Bosh, jackass!"

I still have a mark on my forehead this morning, I slapped it that hard. The entire section, Loud Nets Fan especially, broke out laughing. "Chris BOSH? Like, THE Chris Bosh? He is an incredible player that the Nets would trade anyone for right now. Are you JOKING?" Asshole Nets Loyalist, actually offended, went on a tirade about how Jason Collins was underrated and could shut anyone down. The two yelled at each other for, no joke, about 45 minutes. It was glorious.

While this whole conversation was happening, Jason Collins was on the bench, probably picking out hot girls in the audience absentmindedly. Finally, the announcer called out, "Replacing Sean Williams is Jason Collins" as Collins trotted out onto the floor. It was time to prove who was right.

Well, you know what happens here. Jason Collins gets dunked on savagely by Dwight Howard, gets outrebounded by Howard something like 7-1, and gets send back to the bench after 3 fouls in about 3 minutes of work.

Loud Nets Fan, the entire time, just keeps yelling, "COLLINS FOR BOSH! COLLINS FOR BOSH! LET'S DO THIS DEAL!"

Here is perhaps my favorite image of the night. Asshole Nets Loyalist...owned:

With about 3 minutes left in the game, the Nets down 18, Asshole Nets Loyalist gets up to leave and Loud Nets Fan yells, "Real fans don't leave a game until it's over!" Asshole Nets Loyalist smiles, leaves and the entire crowd laughs at him.

In a twist of wonderful irony, Loud Nets Fan leaves about 1 minute afterward, his 4 girls in tow.
The buzzer blares, game over, Magic win by 25.

Overall, it was a great game simply because most of the fun wasn't even on the court. I'm not even mentioning the halftime show which was arguably one of the best parts: A 10 year old boys vs. girls basketball game. One fat kid on the boys team looked like Bryant Reeves, prompting us to yell "Big Country!" whenever he scored.

As we left to take the shuttle back to the city, we walked past the "Slymobile", the Nets promotional van. I leave you with this image, the back of the van, and bid you a goodnight.

Let Sly the Fox haunt your dreams.

Thursday, November 15, 2007


Kobe Bryant waived the Pistons into negotiations like George Costanza into a soup kitchen. He let them order, allowed them to slide down to the cashier, and just as they went to pay, he yelled, "NO TRADE FOR YOU!"

The trade the Lakers and Pistons agreed upon today would have sent Tayshaun Prince, Rip Hamilton, Amir Johnson and a first round pick to the Lakers for Kobe Bryant. This would have paired Kobe with Rasheed Wallace, beginning what can only be seen as preliminary groundwork for some sort of "All-Unlikable" team in the NBA.

'Twas not to be, howeva, as Kobe used his No Trade Clause to veto the trade. Dontcha just hate those?

To many, this vetoing on Kobe's part makes little sense. Kobe would have fulfilled his wish of getting talented teammates in Chauncey Billups, Jason Maxiell, and Rasheed Wallace. Plus he gets to play in the easier Eastern Conference. The Lakers also would have gotten some quality playmakers in Tayshaun and Rip, and would have had a draft pick to boot. Makes no sense why it would be turned down by Kobe, right?

To me, this makes complete sense. A lot of people hopped all over Kobe's trade talk and acted like it was going to happen any day. We at THF sat back and said, "Nah. Kobe's a bitch. He's just posturing because he needs spotlight and really has no intention of leaving Los Angeles. It probably makes him super upset that the Lakers called his bluff this time actually." We then lit cigars with crisp $1000 dollar bills (or "Grovers" as we like to call them).

The fact that such a perfect trade for everyone was vetoed should clue society to the obvious notion that Kobe's primary motive is, and has always been, self-publicity. Think about it. He turned down what would have been great trades with the Bulls and Mavericks in favor of what? The amazing privilege to play with Vlad Radmanovic?

One of the many reasons that I can't stand Kobe as a person (he is a great player), is that unlike other publicity hogs like Chad Johnson and Roger Clemens, Kobe demands the spotlight at the expense of other people. He screws over teammates (See ya, Shaq), his organization, his hometown fans, and now other teams garnering his services, all so that he can be the guy on the front of the papers. It's childish, it's extremely detrimental to his relationship with those around him, and the bottom line is that Kobe couldn't give two shits about how it affects anyone. It's his life and he will lead it the way he wants to lead it.

As a fan of an Eastern Conference team (I'd get the Magic logo tattooed on my forehead if it didn't mess with my monumental modeling career), I am happy to see Kobe is staying West for now. Unlike Ray Allen and KG on the Celtics, who are 7-0 as I write this, The Black Mamba simply doesn't have the humility to play with anyone who is near his level and be happy. It's masochistic and selfish. It's Self-o-chistic!

To those Pistons fans hoping for Kobe, and those Lakers fans hoping to be rid of him, I feel your pain. It's like someone just gave you a christmas present and ripped it out of your hands.

Maybe he'll make up for it with some jewelry! You can cure any misdeed with jewelry right?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Hold The Stephone! THF's Continuing Coverage Of "Knick Implosion 07-08"

We rarely write about the same team consecutively, but hey- this is the Knicks we're talking about. Our grandchildren will be talking about this trainwreck.

The news that came out today was nothing short of awesome (complete with The Howeva Files Stephon Photo!)

The new developments (i.e. gossip) were of course a follow up to that whole "Stephon missing practice thing". Apparently Eddy Curry told Marbury he was getting yanked out of the starting lineup, Marbury got pissed, and proceeded to go AWOL and miss practice.

To this, I have these choice words: Eddy Curry, stop bein' a snitch!

The most exciting/Knicks-esque thing to come out of the story is much more juicy. According to Knicks players, Stephon was on the back of the team plane and was loudly yelling, and I quote:

"Isiah has to start me! I've got so much shit on Isiah and he knows it! He thinks he can fuck me! But I'll fuck him first!You have no idea what I know!"

A few players said this might have actually been yelled AT Isiah, but they weren't sure. Ah, the sweet poetry dealings of a madman.

This is enough fun to make me giggle like a schoolgirl. Just think of how ridiculous this all is. Stephon Marbury, a person who prides himself on zany and borderline illegal dealings, is saying that he has so much dirt on Isiah Thomas, a person who was just convicted of sexual harassment and loudly boasts that he doesn't care about white people, that we won't be able to even fathom it. That is such a grand boast about this "knowledge" that he has, that anything short of info that instantaneously blows your head clean off upon hearing it will be a major disappointment.

Sadly, we will likely have to wait until the next inevitable blow up to hear what that info is. Marbury has rejoined the Knicks, hopping on a plane after basically giving the team a cheap house to the tune of 180 thousand dollars.

After this, there is no way Isiah Thomas gives up that "worst GM in the history of mankind title" to McHale. He completely ripped it right out of McHale's cold, dead hands with this news story.

How did Isiah do this?

Well, you know who Isiah's first acquisition was when he became GM of the Knicks, don't you?


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