Lebron's Relationship With Cleveland

This is pretty accurate:

Dan Gilbert = Jilted Lover

WOW. I think he wrote this while trashing James' car or throwing his clothes out of the apartment window! Or...was he talking about Shaq?

I'm sold. Who else wants to put money down that Cleveland will win a championship before LeBron?

Lebron Has His Own Rules, And Travelling Ain't One Of Em'

It was magical watching this play live, and somehow the Youtube clip of it doesn't do it justice. In real time, it looked like Lebron walked with the ball and then played a game of hopscotch before going up with the shot.

Doc Rivers' reaction is fantastic.

Having A Rough Day? Watch This

Sure to make you feel happier

Looking Back At Lil' Lebron

Nowadays everyone knows Lebron is NBA royalty, but so soon we forget the insane amounts of pressure heaped upon this guy when he entered the league.  I still remember watching his first game and thinking to myself, "Whoa...this guy is having a good game.  Way to respond to all the hype!"  Little did I know just how good he would become.  I could only imagine how insanely good this "Darko" guy drafted after him could be.  

Lest we forget, here is a highlight clip of Lebron's first game in the NBA.  Joe Dumars is somewhere watching this and saying, "Thank GOD I won that championship.  How else would I have a job after that draft?"

Where Would We Be Without Shaq?

Honestly, when the sports world enters a lull, you can always count on Shaq to liven it up. There is NOTHING happening in the world of sport today outside of baseball players pretending to act like they are badasses while they wear skin-tight pants and run approximately 4 times a game. Enter the Big Aristotle to read all of our minds and challenge the best of the aforementioned quasi-sport:



Seeing Shaq call out Beckham at the end was just icing on the cake. The guy just does not give a crap about who likes him and who doesn't. We could all learn a thing or two about life from the star of "Kazaam".

America Must Band Together Despite This Cavs Loss

It is officially the week leading up to the NBA Finals. For now the media, instead of talking about the Magic and the Lakers, appear to be stuck on the incomprehensible fact that the Cavaliers somehow fell short. The world will have to wait for a Kobe-Lebron Championship series. Woe is us. Media folks, it is time to move on, and there is no better way to do that than...CAVALIERS FALLING SHORT FUNNY PICTURE ROUNDUP!

SHAZAAAM!

And my personal favorite....


Note the attention to detail with the Lil' Penny, the Lebron doll, and even the name of the boat and it's captain. Simply brilliant.

Many thanks to everyone at the Orlando Magiczone forums for your pics. Time to root for the Orlando Magic the only way I know how: With the 20 year old theme song!

http://www.nba.com/media/magic/25_Orlando_Magic_Theme_Song.mp3

That song is simply the silliest theme song I have ever heard.

Barkley Rolling With The Magic

I haven't been this excited since, oh, let's say 1994.

The Orlando Magic are in the Finals. I feel almost confused on how to react to one of my favorite teams doing this well. Do I flip over a car? Should I throw fireworks off of my balcony at people wearing Cavs jerseys? I have no idea. What I do know is that the Magic will take on Kobe, Pau "Acne Arms" Gasol, and my former Magic boy Trevor Ariza in the NBA Finals.

Once again, out of the four TNT broadcasters, the only person to pick the Magic to win is Charles Barkley. This pleases me immensely because not only has he been right thus far, but he also works with none of the media hype that influences so many people's predictions. One could say he is the most honest-to-a-fault guy on TV. Don't believe me? Here he is from last night's broadcast, willing to say what must be said even at the expense of the censors:



Game 1 is Thursday. Until then, we'll be bathing in the championship game hype. Tonight, however, I bathe in champagne (is THAT what you do when your team does well? Oh I am so very confused.)

You Can't Keep The Clothes On Mo

When I get done with a meeting at work, I like to start stripping on my way back to my desk. First, I take off my shirt and then my pants. It's just what I do, okay? It's been a long day, I had a rough meeting, and it's time for a little naked time.

Mo's with me on this one.

Refs (heart) Lebron

I'm excited for the Magic-Cavs game tonight, but also not excited at all. Why? The refs have been AWFUL in this series, and tonight is poised to be the crappiest Cavs-loving reffed game of the series. If the Cavs go down 1-3 to the Magic tonight, David Stern will shoot lasers out of his eyes and kill all of the families of the refs.

Don't believe me? Let's check out a delightful video from the previous game in the series, where I watched the refs call multiple fouls on the Magic WITH THEIR BACK TURNED TO THE PLAYER THEY WERE FOULING! In this clip, the Magic fans watch another crummy call and at the 0:45 mark, start an overwhelming chant of "Refs You Suck".



That's a rather complicated chant for a crowd so you knew they all were thinking it.

As I typed that last sentence, a whistle blew on Mickael Pietrus. Must be game time. Sigh...

Semi-Final Prediction Recap Time!

Unlike ESPN, I am not a fan of throwing predictions out there and then not doing any following up whatsoever. It's only fair to see how THF fared with the previous round of the playoffs, with forecasts both boneheaded AND moronic:

Semi-Final Predictions:

Prediction: Cavs in 5
Prediction: Cavs in 4
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: Lebron and the Cavs came out and made the Hawks look even worse than they did against the Heat in round 1. Honestly, did any team look worse in the playoffs this year than Atlanta? Pee-ew. It's 50/50 on whether the Cavs have actually been practicing the past week, or just coming up with new dance moves and intros.


Prediction: Magic in 6
Prediction: Magic in 7
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Magic looked like the better team all series, but made REALLY stupid decisions on the court and did not shoot well from the 3 point line. Dwight and company were super close to self-destructing, as was my heart after watching them give up 80 point leads at the ends of nearly all of their games. This series took at least 2 years off my life. On a side note, I realized that Stan Van Gundy looks like every cartoon I've seen on the front of a pizza box.


Prediction: Lakers in 5
Prediction: Lakers in 7
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Lakers lost two more than I predicted by half-assing it. There really is no other way to put it, ESPECIALLY with TMac and Yao not playing. The Lakers have become the team no one wants to see win it, while Houston and ooogly Luis Scola have become America's darlings. -Well, until Ron-Ron starts tomahawk-chopping people during the regular season next year. You know that playoff intensity will take a while to wear off.


Prediction: Nuggets in 6
Prediction: Nuggets in 5
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: I am very happy to say that I wrote this before the Nuggets played the Mavs: "The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs." Now that everyone and their mother is picking them to possibly upset the Lakers, I can sit back with a shit-eating grin on my face. Still, there seems to be something cosmically off with the idea of a person like George Karl EVER beating a coach like Phil Jackson in anything meaningful. I'm going to have to mull over that one.


And there you have it. I am rather proud of how well the predictions came out with going 4-0. Tomorrow I get back to completely crapping the bed with my idiotic Conference Final Predictions! Until then, keep sucking on those throat losenges, Doc Rivers. Eventually your voice will come back from that gutteral, hoarsey sound it's been the past few weeks.

Attention Dwight Howard: The Nickname "Big Baby" Is Already Taken

For once, I'll actually be semi-serious in this post. It's been an incredibly crummy time to be an Orlando Magic fan.

I was heartbroken by the Magic loss last night. Actually, that is a huge understatement. I was devastated. It wasn't just a loss. For me the loss was accompanied by a few horrific realizations:
1) The Celtics have figured out how to beat the Magic, along with the rest of America: Make them take jumpshots the whole game. This is a flaw the Magic seem to be too wussy to overcome.

2) With the Celtics figuring out how to beat the Magic, this series stands a good chance of being over. The Magic squandered a 2-1 lead and now sit on the brink of elimination.

3) Hedo Turkoglu and Marcin Gortat likely won't be with the Magic next year. Right now might be the best shot the team has for a title with contract hell binding the team's future.

4) Dwight Howard's intensity level, and leadership abilities have been zilch. The guy has come as close to being invisible this playoffs as anyone could imagine, and has shown ZERO heart.

As my head was in my hands, Dwight Howard said this:



I could not believe what I was hearing. Did he not HEAR my #4 point? Dwight Howard, the same guy who was COMPLETELY shut down by Kendrick Perkins to the point of having to take crazy Ewing hook shots (and missing them BADLY), and has been a virtual mute on the court, is calling out his COACHES and his TEAM for not giving him the ball MORE?!

I nearly pooped myself.

It was as I was staring, wide-eyed at the television that the commercial with Dwight Howard came on. You know the one. He's standing by the sea, talking with Charles Barkley on a cell phone, and is pissing on Sir Charles for injuring the video game likeness of himself. It dawned on me then that this press conference evidenced what we all feared: Dwight Howard has completely lost track of reality. His hype has officially eclipsed his intered in improving his post game and his free throws. The same guy we cheered on as he used the Superman dunk to stardom had taken that cape and flown too close to the sun.

Realizing that my team had a coach that it's players hated, had a core that was about to be shredded with the departure of Turkoglu, had a self-centered superstar who looked past his failing team and only saw his pretty reflection, and a future that was locked into a ton of big contracts, I turned off the television.

At this point, I realized who was going to win the championship this year: The Cleveland Cavaliers. I know you Lakers fans are cocky as hell, but the Cavs have everything the Magic don't right now:

-A coach who the players love and believe in.

-A superstar who makes those around him better.

-A team that is filled with selfless players, including Joe Smith who is playing for the team despite not earning or playing much.

-A team that doesn't let up when they see the finish line approaching.

-A team that supports each other, like when the team rallied around Mo Williams not getting an initial All Star invite.

The Lakers are lacking in the last three categories, which is why I think they'll ultimately fall either in the Finals, or (you heard it here first) I could easily see them losing in 6 to the Nuggets.

Anyhoo, my apologies for the drawn out seriousness of this post. I'll be back to normal tomorrow, after my Orlando Magic grieving subsides.

Nostradamus, Move Your Ass Over

So far, my semi picks are completely on track, including my "Rockets stealing a game in L.A." one. I'm feeling good...damn good. So, good, in fact, I'll make a few more predictions:

-Big Baby will get at LEAST 1 technical foul in this series, possibly even getting ejected from a game.

-Kobe Bryant will have an injury scare, which will be milked in the media on a slow news day. Kobe will be completely fine. Again, stay the hell away from Lakers press this playoffs. It will only hurt you.

-Birdman will be on a huge number of talk shows after the Nuggets advance to the West Finals. Every single interviewer will talk incessantly about his drug use, forgetting he even plays basketball.

-The Cavs series will have low television ratings due to blowouts. David Stern will whisper to others, "The Hawks will never make the playoffs again under my watch".

-The record will be set for most times a valley girl looks at a TV screen in a crowded bar and says, "Ewwww. Who is THAT guy?" It will be your job to inform her with a short biography of Stan Van Gundy.

Speaking of Magic, I nearly had a heart attack watching Orlando almost blow a 28 point lead last night. The Magic played awful, but good lord those refs want every single game to go into overtime and they'll be DAMNED if they don't.

My blood pressure is rising so I'd prefer to focus on happier times, such as this monster dunk by Dwight. Enjoy*




I apologize to Celtics fans reading this. I have nothing against you, but the playoffs brings a beast from within that makes me root for the Magic like nothing else. I promise I'll love you again if the Magic beat your brains out. Promise!

We Predict Things: Conference Semi-Fiesta!

Despite what ESPN might have you believe, there actually were other games going on in the first round of the NBA playoffs besides the Celtics and Bulls. I will even dare say that the games have been pretty great to watch for teams that weren't named the Heat or Hawks.

So with the games being so much fun so far, let's take a quick gander into the crystal ball at who will win the conference semifinal matchups:

Who: Cavs vs Hawks

Winner: Cavs in 5

Why: After watching the Hawks this past series, I have made the conclusion that Josh Smith is the next coming of Zach Randolph. -An insanely gifted athlete with a head full of rocks. That being said, the Cavs are scary good this year, and seem like they are genuinely having a blast playing. When you're playing a team that is smiling in high pressure games, you know you're screwed. It almost makes you wonder where would this team be without Wally Szczerbiak. Oh, that's right, exactly where they are right now.

Who: Celtics vs. Magic

Winner: Magic in 6

Why: I'm picking the Magic not only am I a retardedly optimistic homer, but the Celtics are playing against Howard with Kendrick Perkins and Mikki Moore. Sure, there will be that game that Howard gets no calls and the refs make it close, but I see many Big Baby-Howard matchups on the horizon and that spells doom for the Celtics. If the rest of the playoffs are any indication, Rajon Rondo might rip off someone's nose in this series only to have the NBA say it isn't a flagrant foul (Rondo was going after the nose-shaped-basketball, silly goose).

Who: Lakers vs. Rockets

Winner: Lakers in 5

Why: Take a look at that photo of a clean-cut Pau Gasol. You almost want to tell that young lad, "In your future, you will resemble an ogre. Invest in beard combs NOW." Going back to the series, mark my words: The Rockets will steal a game in L.A., prompting the talking heads on TV to talk incessantly about it for a few days. The Rockets will then promptly lose from then on out, and the talk will turn to "who will stop the Lakers" talk. My message here: If you hear the word "Lakers" on the radio, quickly throw it out of the window. You'll save yourself a lot of aggrevation.

Who: Nuggets vs. Mavs

Winner: Nuggets in 6

Why: The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs. Half the country is still seeing them for the first time and saying, "Wow...Carmelo Anthony cut his hair? When did THAT happen?" It's sad the Nuggets aren't getting more credit as they really are the only team that can push the Lakers in the West in my opinion. They also crushed the titan known as "Dumars", with a trade so good that it made Denver a contender and crushed the Pistons core for good. This series will also be fun to watch simply for the massive amount of camera cut-aways to a pissed-off-looking Mark Cuban in the stands. If you play a drinking game with it, you will have a good time.

Time to watch the Magic-Celtics game. Post your picks to win in the comments section or shoot us an email. Toodles!

America Curses Under Its Breath Over Boston's Narrow Victory Over The Bulls, All ESPN Analysts Orgasm Collectively

After a pair of threes by Ben Gordon, the Bulls looked like they were on their way to win number 2 in Boston. Then Ray Allen looked at the collective NBA fandom rooting against the Celtics in this year's playoffs and did this to them:



With Allen's three with two seconds left, the Bulls only had one option: Advance the ball with a quick timeout and take a well-thought-out shot. Oops, I mistyped. I meant to write that Vinny Del Negro uses up timeouts like Michael Jackson uses up Gi Joes-on-a-string and nets, so the Bulls were forced for the second straight game to chuck the ball downcourt. This was pretty deflating to watch, and KG's bizarre pursed-lip celebration only made it worse.

I don't know the exact moment that I started rooting against the Celts this year, but I am quite positive it started as a result of the massive amount of hype ESPN panelists have put on them this season. When someone hears, "Oh they're UNSTOPPABLE! The BIG THREE will cruise to another championship! I want to have BIG BABY'S CHILDREN" enough times, it just makes you hate a team. Now that the Celtics lost KG and Leon Powe for the playoffs, the sports foos are making the Celtics (A team deep and talented enough that it got Mikki Moore and Stephon Marbury for peanuts in exchange for the chance to win a championship) into some sort of "underdog". Balderdash, I say. They're also now all over Kobe and the Lakers' junk, making any analysis of that team equally tough to listen to. Screw AFLAC, my new motto that I am going to bark out for these playoffs is "ABTLAC" (Anybody But The Lakers And Celtics).

As if in response to my anti-purple and green rant, my sportsticker just let me know that the Cavs went up by 22 on the Pistons. Save us, Lebron...you're our only hope.

David Stern Reminds The NFL Sports Are Supposed To Be Fun

While it is a sport I absolutely love, I have been increasingly annoyed at the NFL with its "no celebration" rules. It's getting to the point where ANY touchdown celebration is getting a flag, and players are scared to do anything. Santonio Holmes made one of the best plays in super bowl history, and you still had idiotic sports writers yelling that he didn't get a penalty for holding the football while he did a little dance (they argued that it was a prop).

Contrast that with this:



If that video seems excessive and very, very entertaining, that is because David Stern has come out and said that he welcomes celebrations. This is news to me, since I've seen Davey-boy fine Richard Jefferson and others for very small post-dunk celebrations. The economy and attendance shortages seem to be forcing the NBA to resort to appeasing the groundlings (thank goodness).

In addition to encouraging more Cavs goodness, this means more of one of my favorite celebrations: The Ron Artest Beast celebration. This is captured perfectly in NBA 2k9:



Note: I do this celebration after I win at checkers. I also drink a pair of beer cans, smash them together, throw them at the child or relative I am playing against and give the two-finger salute like Stone Cold Steve Austin. You DON'T come to my black and red checkered house without a whoopin'.

As We Approach The XMas Break...

- Summer 2010 is still the biggest story. We could very well have flying cars, the cure for cancer and an Oscar award-winning Kevin Federline, but I'm pretty sure what we'll still be talking about in 2010 is who will LeBron sign with. Considering his posturing as a native New Yorker despite his team's legitimate chance for a championship, it's understandable if LeBron James doesn't have his mind made up, but shut up and stop giving false hope to Cavs fans.

- Yi is a geezer. I'm not one to say he's old, but Yi talks about what was wrong with the Ford administration, has it written in his contract that he should be in bed by 8, starts conversations about friends who just died, and needs his oatmeal pre-chewed.

Lebron James Will Make Sweet Love To You

Below is Lebron's newest Nike commercial, which is approximately 3 minutes too long for a commercial.  Still, it's pretty funny to see a superstar acting like something Billy Dee Williams would hang out with.  Note to self: Get one of those fireplaces that switches on that quickly...bringing lumber in from a shed ruins the mood.

I am a happily married man, but WOW what a wise casting choice for the "hot girl" in this video.  You can tell even Lebron is shocked and awed by how good looking she is.  If I were the Knicks, to get Lebron I would tell him "We can get you 10 lookalikes of the girl in that video you were in.  We can also make everything else in that commercial you were in come true, including creating a time machine to put you in the 70's."

Chicago Advances to Second Round of NBA Hair Championship

Overshadowing the individual efforts of Amare Stoudamire and Tony Parker last night was the Showdown of Chevelure between the Chicago Bulls and Cleveland Cavaliers. After both Joakim Noah and Anderson Varejao were carried off in a stretcher early in the third quarter when their locks got tangled together, Drew Gooden's mutton chops and wormy goatee took over and closed out the squad from the Mistake By The Lake.

Lebron Likes To Shake It.

When I'm not saving kids from burning orphanages in a most heroic fashion, or setting fire to orphanages, I'm usually patrolling Youtube.com for various ridiculous videos. I maintain that Youtube is the best website ever created (which is saying something given the other fine sites out there, such as Unicorn Dreams). I think this for no other reason that at any given hour I can see up to 80 ugly folks playing video game soundtracks on their keyboards.

Today I stumbled upon some offscreen footage of Lebron James between takes while filming commercials. Apparently he likes to dance. The best part is how the other players try awkwardly to look the other way (exhibit A is Chris Paul near the end of the clip) because...well...what do you say when a guy is dancing and looking at you? "Oh...hey...nice, uh...moves, Lebron...Oh...you're still dancing? Well...um...I'm going to grab a Coke. See you in a bit." (runs quickly away while Lebron continues to bob up and down with a creepy grin on his face).