Friday, May 30, 2008

Chicago Hires A Different Coach Collins

Rumors that the Chicago Bulls had completed their search for a new coach were proven correct. After a terrifying week of submitting himself and the entire staff of the franchise to Scarface-levels of blow and murder clips from American Psycho...

...owner, Jerry Reinsdorf, settled on which late 1980's pop star to lead team to championship contention: Phil Collins.

"Of course we would have preferred bringing back Phil Jackson, but he's a little busy actually winning. As I was hacking one of our video scouts to pieces with an ax to the accompaniment of U2, it dawned on me that we were sitting on a land mine of untapped coaching talent! We interviewed Huey Lewis, Whitney Houston, and Corey Hart as well. Lewis was at one point our first choice, but after we were informed that The News would not join him on the sideline we quickly moved on."

Players' reactions to the news were mixed. "I heard he's got a weed bus and a non-weed bus just like Outkast!" Joakim Noah explained. Brit, Ben Gordon, was happy to have another countryman leading the team, but explained, "Guys like Tyrus Thomas are going to have a tough time fitting in because he sucks at playing the the electric drums."

Collins, when reached for comment said, "What the fuck?!?!?!?!"

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Lakers Win The West/Kobe Holds 2008 Hypocrite Trophy Aloft

Tonight the Lakers beat the Spurs 100-92, which means the Lakers await the winner of the Pistons-Celtics in the 2008 NBA Finals.

Kobe Bryant had 39 points and approximately 39 mentions of how his Laker teammates were "his brothers" in postgame interviews. This comes despite using much of the preseason this year to make it known he would love to play for ANYONE other than Los Angeles. If karma actually exists, Andrew Bynum will be filmed in a parking lot in 5 years demanding Kobe be traded for Jason Kidd.

For the insightful Kobe Bryant commentary, we go to THF correspondent Nicole Richie:

Looks like someone is about to get a splooge-covered t-shirt in their direction!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Looking More And More Like A Lakers-Celtics Finals

David Stern is nervously beginning to crack a smile: With Boston's win tonight, both the ratings-killing Pistons and Spurs are one win away from the mass-market Lakers and Celtics no less! While the image of either Bill Simmons or Ashton Kutcher celebrating their team winning it all is like a donkey punch to the nuts, the matchup should actually be pretty fun to watch.

Most exciting matchup in the potential series in my book? KG vs. Gasol. Let's take a quick outdated gander at said matchup:

The matchup is even more fun if you know how to do that bizarre sound by vibrating your lips.

These are two incredibly talented teams, but a part of me wonders if they were somehow helped along the way by Stern longing for a return to the NBA's golden age...ESPECIALLY with the Bird-Magic co-written book on the way. Lord knows that Stern knows how to pull the strings.

On a side note, that Genesis game "Lakers vs Celtics And the NBA Playoffs" was a fantastic game. I used to love to play with Larry Bird because he was completely and utterly unstoppable in the game. To win and piss off your friends, the challenge you really was find him on the court and get the ball into his hands.

Hmmmm....can YOU find him?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Hanes Commercials: Michael Jordan's True Legacy

Over the Memorial Day holiday, I was talking with friend of the site Rantin' John about how my neighbor in New York City is Kevin Bacon. He wisely remarked that although he is revered, Kevin Bacon's career has had a pretty meteoric fall. He described it well:

"Your neighbor Mr. Bacon has gone from having a trendy board game named after him and starring in blockbuster movies to looking like a goof while he shoots paper into a garbage bin in Hanes underwear commercials with Michael Jordan. I give it 5 years at most before he tries to revive his career with an ill-fated NBC sitcom."

Cuba Gooding Jr., who currently stars in the latest "I'M WEARING YOUR UNDERWEAR!" debacle, is even more of a step down on the fame ladder for Michael Jordan to act with. Can't get much worse than that, right? Right?!

Every time you ask yourself that, the answer is inevitably Charlie Sheen. Yes, kiddies, Michael Jordan's newest Hanes costar will be none other than the hooker-frequenting Estevez-brothered Hot-Shots-Part-Deux-starring man about town. At what point does Jordan look into his own reflection in the roulette wheel and think to himself, "What am I DOING? I'm the biggest star the NBA ever HAD!" Maybe the script was good?

No. It wasn't.

The leaked script for this commercial reads as follows:

One spot, called "Phone Toss," shows Sheen running up to Jordan's car as he is exiting a hotel and telling Jordan that someone turned him on to the new Hanes Lay Flat Collar Undershirt. He suggests Jordan do the same, not realizing that he's already wearing one. As Jordan starts to drive away, Sheen keeps talking, inviting Jordan to dinner and asking for his phone number. Jordan is finally forced to drive away, prompting Sheen to throw his phone in the back seat of Jordan's convertible and asking to call him.

Wow. Shakespeare just rolled over in his grave, along with the inventor of television, the inventor of the written word, and the inventor of undershirts (who I would like to think is named 'Baron Von Oondresherrt" or something). At least Fruit Of The Loom had those guys in the fruit costumes...a sizable step up in the class department.

MJ, for our sakes, end this charade before you wind up acting next to that alien that was in that movie "Mac And Me". That thing just freaked me out.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Josh Howard Has A New Friend

How could this have happened? Oh the humanity!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Three Day Memorial Day Weekend?...TIME TO DANCE!

Three days off from work?! Let's boogie down!!!

Congrats to the Pistons on beating the Celtics tonight to steal their home court advantage, evening the series 1-1. I have a feeling more "Stuff to watch if there's a Spurs-Pistons final" posts are in the future...

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Stuff To Watch If There's A Spurs-Pistons Finals: Part I

At this point all of America knows that David Stern will probably kill himself if we are yet again subjected to a Spurs-Pistons NBA Finals series. The ratings will tank and the NBA will once again take a backseat to the other major sports (no, not hockey, silly!) Right now the Celtics are up 1-0 on the Pistons, but the Spurs currently are beating the Lakers and their fancy traingle is it possible Stern hasn't paid these refs off to help the Lakers win this one yet?!

Since there is still a strong chance of a boring ol' Pistons-Spurs NBA Finals, it is THF's job to help you figure out things to watch should this happen. Today's selection:

Fantastic choice scenes from the Nicholas Cage crapfest "Wicker Man"! Enjoy:

This all may seem silly, but you'll thank us in the Finals.
UPDATE: The Lakers just erased a 20 point defecit to win. While I'm rooting against a Spurs championship, I'd be lying if I didn't say it was quite silly near the end how the refs weren't calling any fouls on Lakers players. David Stern and his ref minions strike again!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Jay-Z Finally Comes Out From Behind The Curtain

First off, congrats to the Chicago Bulls for defying the odds (the 1.7 percent chance odds) to win the 2008 NBA lottery. This team, who already appears to be better than their 33-49 record with Hinrich, Hughes, Gordon, Deng, Noah, Tyrus Thomas, and Drew Gooden, can now officially add Derrick Rose or Michael Beasley. It's like a great fantasy basketball team, minus any actual field goal percentage or assist stats. Meanwhile, somewhere Pat Riley is smoking a cigar and cackling about how he got out at just the right time while Miami sits at spot #2.

-But more important than the Bulls winning was today, May 20th 2008, marked the day that the Nets officially became cool. They've always been sorta fun, with their mascot Sly the Fox and Vince Carter taking ill-advised halfcourt three pointers for no reason whatsoever, but Jay-Z finally came out of hiding and embraced his role as team owner.

Tonight Jay-Z appeared at the lottery and smiled awkwardly amongst the people who were simply amazed to see him. Half looked at him and said, "That's the legendary Jay-Z. This is quite bizarre. I guess he is stepping up as the Nets owner." The other half thought, "Beyonce is engaged to THAT guy? Man, he MUST be talented and rich." Regardless, one thing that was assured with his coming out party? That reporters will slowly but surely kill off the entire Jay-Z catalog of songs with smarmy references to them:

You can see the reporter's mind turning, thinking "I'm going to make a reference to his song '99 problems'...this is going to be COMIC GOLD!" Thus is life as Jay-Z, seeing morons butcher your lyrics and having to grin and bear it. It's only a matter of time before a dorky Steve Berthume-type sports anchor says, "With a win tonight, the Nets were truly 'Big Pimpin'". Whomever says this must be immediately executed.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Barkley To Retire From Gambling To Focus On Donuts

The Chuckster proclaimed he's gone on a sabbatical from gambling on tonight's TNT pre-game show after having just been publicly embarrassed by his staggering losses at The Wynn. Luckily, he's now got extra time to pursue his true love: donuts.

"Between my commitments to TNT, the ponies, the slots, rollin' dem bones, and throwing jackasses in striped shirts through windows I have let my deep fried dough-stuffing performance deteriorate far below the Guinness-worthy levels I set right after I retired in 2000. Once D-Wade gets me those socks, my fists will be too full of glazed crullers, Berliners, beignets, and bear claws to split my sevens on the strip."

To emphasize his dedication, The Round Mound Of Rebound uttered his once famous phrase, "Anything less...would be uncivilized!"

Crap...NOW Who Do You Root For, America?

As I write this, the Spurs are currently beating the Hornets late in the 3rd Quarter by 13 points, and are looking like shoe-ins to return to their zillionth consecutive conference championship. I blame Morris Peterson's ice cubes:

This is rough news for the many NBA fans hoping that a cinderella-esque team would win the championship this year. Yes, yes, the Hornets had the best record during the regular season this past year, but no one can deny that they were truly the underdogs in their series with the former champs.

This leaves us with a dubious list of remaining teams (my apologies in advance if you are a fan of one of them):

The San Antonio Spurs: This team winning yet another championship would likely make David Stern put a gun in his mouth. The NBA Championship has had some of its lowest numbers with this rather boring-yet-spectacular team, and them winning yet another would help keep the collective eyes of the public away from the NBA in an exciting sports year in which the Giants upset the Patriots and the Rockies made a cinderella World Series appearance. After such an exciting NBA season, seeing this team winning it all would be like getting a brand new state-of-the-art television only to realize that the only thing that can play on it are reruns of The View. You can squint all you want, but it's still Barbara Walters creepily talking about having an affair with a congressman (shivers uncontrollably).

The Los Angeles Lakers: I don't deny that the idea of groupies flocking to an ogre like Pau Gasol is a fun image, but to see this team win would make most NBA fans' stomachs turn. Why? After an offseason filled with whining about his team, calling Andrew Bynum names, demanding a trade, firing at Mitch Kupchak, and then completely acting like a hypocrite by embracing the team once they got good, Kobe Bryant would be one of the least likable Finals MVPs in the history of sports. He could only be less likable if he were to kill babies at midcourt and agree to star in a romantic comedy with Ashton Kutcher. Toss in the fact that Jordan Farmar would have exactly one more NBA championship than you and you can officially start believing that life isn't fair.

The Detroit Pistons: Many could argue that this team is actually the most boring team instead of San Antonio. -At least the Spurs have Manu Ginobili crashing into people a few times a game in a theatric fashion. Sheed has calmed down, Billups' trash talking is less than ever, and the have Antonio McDyess for chrissakes...a guy who I am convinced is a stone statue come to life (barely). The only person who make this team in any way exciting to watch is 55 lb Tayshaun Prince, who blocks shots like crazy. I firmly believe he does this by allowing the wind to carry his thin frame around the room like a shipmast. On the plus side: Flip Saunders might completely open his eyes if this team wins it all.

The Boston Celtics: I got such crap for liking the Florida Marlins when they bought a championship in 1997. -At least the Marlins had about half of their team come from their farm system. Enter the team that purchased the best record in the league, making every Boston fan suddenly remember they liked the Celtics so fast that they got bandwagon splinters. Hoping this team wins it all goes hand in hand with hoping for nonstop "my team is the greatest ever" columns from Bill Simmons, something only a person who hasn't been subjected to Simmons' "all-New-England sports columns"could ask for. They say every time a bell rings, Bill Simmons writes an anecdote about his father and him talking about Boston teams. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with a Boston fan next to you saying, "The Pats get bam-BOO-zelled by tha refs, but Kay-Gee and my boys brought tha title to BEAN-TOWN!" Neither do I. The Patriots losing that Super Bowl was all that me and other non-Boston fans who went to college in New England had. where does that leave us? Who in the world do we root for? Looking at that list, it's like deciding which type of rare disease you want to catch from a mosquito while traveling overseas (Lakers = elephantitis). Right now, the wounds from the likable Magic, Hornets, Jazz, and Cavs are too fresh to make a choice, but hopefully someone emerges soon.*

*The Pistons officially become my choice the moment "old Sheed" comes back and starts clawing at refs faces and screaming when doused with holy water. Sadly, those days are likely a thing of the past.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

If You Were Wondering Why There's Naked People In Your Living Room...

We're smack dab in the middle of Dennis "The Worm" Rodman's week-long birthday! Let's celebrate the commissioner of the Lingerie Football League and only man who has won Celebrity Mole and inspired me to wear his shoe and head butt a ref. So far no one in sports been even remotely close to matching the excitement and mayhem Rodman created during his professional career and he made it an art to get into the opposition's head. Seriously, how many owners offer up their guest house to entice a player to join their team?

Monday, May 12, 2008

Whoa..It's 2-2 All Of A Sudden, Boston Fans!

Uh oh. The Boston-Cleveland series is tied 2-2 all of a sudden after the Cavs beat the Celtics tonight. The big three, who looked downright cocky after taking a 2-0 lead, now have a different facial expression:

To top it off, even Lebron's MOM appeared more fired up than the Celtics tonight. It's sort of fun to see a big star like Lebron reduced to that kid on the playground yelling at his mom "Sit down! You're embarrassing me mom!"

Man, what a wacky NBA playoffs it has been thus far. I can't wait to see what KG's mom had to say.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Happy Mother's Day From The Howeva Files

THF would like to wish a Happy Mother's Day to all you mothas out there. These proud women gave birth to you and (in some special cases) raised you, so show them that you care for a day. While flowers and candies are a decent option for that special older woman in your life, they also stink to high hell of a last second gift idea. For this reason, we suggest clothing or kitchen stuff...y'know...feminine junk. -Anything to show you made an attempt to go somewhere else in the mall to shop other than "Modells".

Also, take your mom out for the day. Just tell me when you want to hang out with her and I'll be sure to nudge her on the bed next to me in the morning. She really is such a sound sleeper. (For those of you who didn't see the subtlety, I was just calling yo' momma promiscuous. "Yo momma" disses are perhaps one of the best and most underappreciated aspects of Mother's Day).

Now, one of our favorite moms, Grand-ma-ma:

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Brian Scalabrine Doesn't Play Around

You thought your life was complete...and then one shining moment proves that things can always get better.

Ladies and Gents...I give you Boston Celtics redhead Brian Scalabrine rapping. The track is called "Scal Says". Lebron, good luck recovering from this one:

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Chicago? New York? Really?

Mark Stein has been all over this ride that Mike D'Antoni has taken on the coaching carousel. Given how the window of opportunity for a championship closed last year, a move out of Phoenix makes sense, but really? Chicago? New York? Does he realize that he's getting essentially the same general manager in John Paxon that he had in Phoenix and that Donnie Walsh looks like Paul Bearer (Endless thanks to The Sports Hernia for the pic)? Did he notice that he'll be giving up his ultimate tempo pusher, Steve Nash, and only getting Starbury or Kirk Hinrich in return?

Given that Don Nelson completely gave up on his team this year and that he's wavering on coming back, couldn't D'Antoni step in and provide a more consistent (aka reasonably sane/sober) presence on the Golden State bench? Baron Davis, when healthy, is a top 5 point guard and they've got a deep young bench that was left under-utilized by Nellie.

There's been no offer yet by either team since he's looking for Skiles-money, so there's still time for Chris Mullin to make up Nellie's mind for him.
(Actually, Hinrich does come complete with his hot wife [on the right], so maybe it's a lateral move after all...)

Birthday Day Off

As if I didn't have enough partying killing my liver with it being my bachelor party on Saturday, today is my birthday so I'm taking a day off the basketball writing. Thanks to everyone who sent birthday wishes over the email. In fitting birthday wish fashion, my favorite team the Magic won tonight over Detroit.

Happy May 7th birthday also to my seperated-at-birth brother Shawn Marion. You may have gotten the athletic ability in the family, but I got the looks.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Stan Van Gundy Takes The High Road

Yesterday Stan Van Gundy graciously said that his Magic team lost the game for themselves with turnovers, and that (despite tons and tons of evidence to the contrary) the refs did not win the game for the Pistons. Not even the refs adding more time onto the clock to help the Pistons score a three pointer could make him say any disparaging words.

Very classy indeed, Stan.

Well...that's what he told the media. I think he is more interested in not getting fined, frankly. Taking a look at him as the final buzzer sounded last night, he had some different words for the ref closest to him:

Lipreaders of the world unite!

In other news, tonight the Celtics beat the Cavs as Lebron had a cold shooting night. In math terms, 3 stars > 1, so the Cavs might have some trouble. When in doubt, consult math, kids.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Here's To Hoping For A Finals We Can Actually Watch!

'Twas a bittersweet night for NBA fans hoping for a non-boring finals this year as the Pistons won (crap) and the Spurs lost (yay). If these two teams somehow make it to the finals, David Stern officially goes on suicide watch.

With Dwight Howard's injured hand making it look like he was handling a greased turkey instead of a basketball, the Magic made it about as close as they could. Top it off with many questionable calls that went the Pistons way, as well as a bunch of late-game turnovers, and the Stan Van Gundy lucky moustache can only go so far. Flip "Sleepy Dwarf" Saunders looks poised to celebrate amid yawns.

Conversely, Chris Paul is making the Hornets the feel-good story in the league right now. I correctly predicted that his piss-poor website would ruin his MVP chances, but I'll be damned if he doesn't look like the best player in the NBA nowadays. When you have two first names, there is little you can't do.

This is all just a silly precursor to what you all want to see: Zaza Pachulia giving the best speech ever!

I'm still so sad the Hawks are out. I'll get over it...I'll get over it.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Goodnight, Atlanta Hawks

A successful bachelor party (thanks Anubis Taylor) in the rear view mirror, now is as good a time as any to sniff a rose and toss it on the grave of the Atlanta Hawks. They came close to actually doing something unexpected and wonderful in this year's NBA playoffs, but fell just short...well, by 34 points, but you get the idea.

This whittles the NBA teams left down to the "elite eight" of Boston, Detroit, Orlando, Cleveland, New Orleans, San Antonio, Los Angeles, and Utah. There is no Davidson-esque longshot left, but there is still a good amount of teams that it would be fun to see win a championship (San Antonio, Detroit, and Los Angeles...don't ruin this for us).

I'd write more, but at this point my hangover is making the computer screen light an instrument of torture. Hope you all had as good a weekend as me and my liver did.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Bachelor Party Weekend Preview

I normally would write something here about Atlanta's HUGE win over the Celtics tonight to push it to the most unlikely 7th game in recent memory, but there is actually something more important to discuss:

Tomorrow night is my bachelor party...being thrown by none other than Anubis Taylor. I do not know much of what is going to happen other than:

1) The drinking will begin at appoximately 11am Saturday and end roughtly 11pm Sunday. Two days worth of liquid goodness with a slew of my best friends in the world (who hopefully won't shave my head as I sleep).

2) There will be scantily-clad women involved. When asked what profession of stripper I would prefer, I immediately said with a straight face, "no clowns."

3) The festivities will be in Atlantic City, which (from what I have picked up from going there since I was a wee child) is a land of elegance and beauty where nothing seedy takes place.

4) One of my friends, Doug, has been texting me every single day of this past week. Each text has detailed how difficult it will be for my liver and soul to recover from this upcoming weekend, likening it to the moment "when Lucifer fell from heaven".

5) Just in case the weekend isn't crazy enough, we will be bringing along a copy of the Motley Crue biography "The Dirt" for ideas. If I start snorting ants with Ozzy Osbourne, I will know where the idea came from.

6) I already know Anubis Taylor has purchased at least one "adult entertainment feature". The name of this masterpiece is "Rack In Demand".

-And that's just what I KNOW. If I survive all of this, I am sure I will be a better man for it. -Not because I will have sowed all of my wild oats and can begin my life as a married man. Rather, I like to think of it as a weekend where I just kill all of the evil brain cells in my head in one fell swoop.

Details to come. Viva Atlantic City!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

The Only Logical Way To Act After Getting Your Shot Blocked

There is no worse feeling in the world than getting your shot blocked in basketball. You can get dunked on, you can get your ankles broken on a drive...heck you can even get "the clap" from a team cheerleader...but it is hard to stomach watching your ball get swatted into the stands. The only thing that comes close is an airball, and even then you can sorta giggle it off and take solace in the fact that Antoine Walker shot about 37 a game during his prime. With a blocked shot, it's like someone took a look at your shot and said, "No soup for you!" through the art of interpretive dance.

Up until now, no one could really think of any rational reaction to getting their shot blocked other than to just stare as it went out of bounds and have a tear roll down their cheek like that highway indian from those old commercials. This is why Rajon Rondo is truly a pioneer in coming up with what may be the only possible face-saving reaction to a blocked shot:


Jolly good show, Rajon.

On a sidenote: With Detroit's slamdown of Philly tonight in game 6 (Called this series to a T!) it looks like we have another Pistons-Magic series on our hands. The Pistons always seem to get the best of the Magic, but this year I actually like the Magic to emerge victorious. I call Magic in 7 in a surprisingly tough, well fought series. Somewhere Darko is on the beach right now smoking a blunt and vaguely remembering being on these two teams.

Zombies Can Dunk Copyright 2009