Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I Like Joey Dorsey

Rockets rookie Joey Dorsey comes across like a incredibly entertaining guy in every interview he is in. He is refusing to pay for dinners as a rookie, and he may give Brent Barry cornrows. Why are we stuck with analysts like Magic "I say things so obvious that even John Madden would shake his head" Johnson when you have people like this out there?

Hopefully we get a few good years out of him before he descends into the quagmire of "both teams played hard" professionalism. Boo.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Raptors

Okay, I'll admit it: I know nothing about Toronto. They have maple leafs, Mike Myers is from somewhere close to there I think, they might have blue jays...yeah, that's all I got.

Ah well, they do have cheerleaders and it IS a slow news day, so let's take a glance at some Toronto Raptors dancers.

This video is much more enjoyable if you imagine the Raptors mascot, who is creepily hanging out in the back of the camera frame, is actually the devil saying to you, "I know what you're thinking while you look at these young, attractive women. I have your soul now sinner, hahaha!"

I'm going to spend the rest of my night looking up interesting facts about the great city of Toronto. -Or spend it eating fruit mentos while I lie on the couch and watch television. Tough choice there.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Happy Birthday, Black And Blue Jor's Wife

This weekend is my wife's birthday, so I will be busy planning a crapload of exciting activities for her. Unlike most of you scalawags out there, I actually enjoy planning parties and getting gifts for others...most likely because I try to only surround myself with people I care about (the other people I shove directly into moving traffic. They can befriend car bumpers).

All of this wife-worship led me to think of what my favorite NBA wife-related moment was. It would have been easy to go with the whole Karl Malone hitting on Kobe's wife situation, and would have just been stupid to show a bunch of those clips of people getting married at the stadium. Thus, I went with this, perhaps the best combo "wife mention/way to end an interview" ever. Congrats to Chris Webber:

"Who did your wife just bone?" might be the best slogan not used by a major retail outlet. I think Burger King would do well with it, especially if they had a shirt with that King mascot on it pointing at himself.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Clippers

Hey, it may be a slow news day in the NBA, but there's always something to report.

Similarly, it may be a crap franchise that can't string together consistency, but there's always the good looking models in Hollywood that cheerlead for them. Go Clippers.

On a related note, I'm going to visit Hollywood this December...(looks at newly acquired wedding ring)...Nooooooooooooooo!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Here's To Celebrations

Since there is little to nothing news-wise in the NBA today, I figured we'd take a look at an 'oldie-but-a-goodie'. I will now immediately apologize as that is such an irritatingly overused phrase.

Next time you get a raise at work, find some cash in between your sofa cushions, or perhaps even realize that the newest episode of How I Met Your Mother recorded on your DVR, I encourage you to celebrate. Life is short, and we have too little to actually get overly happy about these days. -And I don't just mean celebrate as in "Yay...that's great." I mean really get your ass up and do a little dance.

If you need it, here is Charles Oakley to inspire you. Enjoy:

I should also mention that should you be the Larry Johnson figure in someone else's celebration, I give you complete freedom to kick that person in the nuts.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

New Orlando Magic Jerseys: A Review From A Hard To Please Fan

Well, the long wait finally paid off: The Magic unveiled their new look today. Specifically, Dwight Howard unveiled it in his usual Dwight Howard subtle fashion

I want to punch that guy who chants "Dwight Howard! Dwight Howard! Number 12! Number 12!" You know you thought the same thing.

It isn't as much an overhaul as it is an improvement. It takes their over-the-top silly "stars and Disney look" of the 90s, then takes their over-the-top "we are so disgusted by how fruity our outfits used to look that we're going to make our jerseys as boring and bland as possible" look of 2000 on and finds a happy middle ground.

How does it stand up to my expectations is the REAL question:

- Does it have pinstripes, something I loved on the old Magic jerseys?

Check. It not only has stripes, it has wacked out pinstripes that do this weird thing that has them going over the shoulder. It's like the way the Yankees jerseys would look in Back To The Future II!

-Is one of the jerseys black?

Double check. I wanted a return to the black jerseys the Magic wore during the Shaq era, but they did one better and put black on BOTH home and away jerseys by putting them on the sides. Slick.

-Did they do something about that piss poor writing on the chest?

Check. No longer are we bored by the font, with them instead going with some sort of futuristic font thingy.

-Did they lose some of those ridiculous stars they had all over their jerseys/logo?

Check. No longer looking like the ceiling of a 8th graders bedroom (what with those glow in the dark stars they put everywhere...okay it wasn't a perfect analogy) the Magic have cut back on the silly stars all over the place. Thank the lord.

-Did they do something to spruce up their logo?

Hmm...not as far as I can see. Their logo isn't all that bad, so this isn't the end of the world, but it still would have been fun to see something a little different to accompany their new jerseys. Perhaps an image of a person eating cheddar flavored Sun Chips, or watching that slow motion scene in Fast Times At Ridgemont High, or something else you find magical. Man, I'm tough to please.

-Did they not irrevocably screw up their image when they are starting to get more popular?

Check. This was the biggest one for me. They could have trotted out something like the shitstorm that was the new Timberwolves jersey, but they successfully blended a futuristic looking jersey that was somehow traditional in its execution.

Jolly good show, Magic folk. Jolly good. I look forward to seeing JJ Redick decaying on the bench with these on. Overall review: A

Monday, September 22, 2008

New Orlando Magic Image Eve

I'm going to keep it short tonight because I will be writing up a storm in regards to what the Orlando Magic unveil as their new look tomorrow night. My favorite team in my favorite sport in my favorite...um...country...getting a new look is exciting as a Megan Fox peepshow, so I'll be sleeping tonight with gumdrops and candy canes in my head in anticipation of what David Stern-Claus drops down my chimney tomorrow.

Should the Magic get a cool new look that doesn't have silly stars all over the place AND my lowly Miami Dolphins actually win a game all in the same week? Be still my beating heart.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Let The NBA Games BEGIN!...Ya Know...For Gamers

Last season I spent much time debating which NBA game I would get for my handy dandy PSP console. After reading about a million reports of the prevalent and oft-hilarious glitches in NBA Live 08, I went with the lesser known NBA 08. You can read about the two of em' here. In the end, I was quite pleased and gave myself a big pat on the back (this looked odd to the others in the subway).

Well, the first of the previews are coming out for the 2009 incarnations of these games. I've been in love with the NBA 2K franchise, but as usual God has thrown his head back and laughed at my attempts to play this while in transit, and thus the PSP has not carried it. That leaves me with NBA Live and NBA 09...yet again.

First we have NBA Live 09, and I have to say...it looks pretty darn good. The gameplay looks good and fluid, and the graphics are realistic.

Then you have NBA 09, which is going to be called "NBA 09: The Inside". I like this as it is incredibly vague, leaving every friend you mention it to saying, "Inside of what?" This of course leaves you to say, "Inside YO MOMMA!" Make sure you have good running shoes as you attempt this joke.

Taking a look at the series, it once again looks like the lesser of the two games in terms of gameplay and graphics, but seems to be notching up its role as "The game that you get for the random silly stuff that's elsewhere on the cartridge, like pinball and random guys yelling at each other...like in the video below..."On this..BLACK- TOP!"

I look forward to checking these games out and making my decision for you, the informed NBA viewer. More to come soon, including future pats on the back.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Shaq Nominated For The New Jersey Hall Of Fame

I usually try to come up with a silly title for these posts, but this one was silly enough. I've lived in New Jersey almost all of my life, and had no idea that there was such a thing as the "New Jersey Hall Of Fame". In there are such people as Frank Sinatra, Bruce Springsteen, and Yogi Berra. This year's crop includes Jerry Lewis, Bud Abbot, and Carl Lewis. I personally believe that Carl Lewis' music video is what got him nominated:

Anyways, now Shaq is nominated. I remember Shaq thanking the state of New Jersey when his Lakers beat the Nets in the NBA Championship a few weeks back. Shaq getting in the hall would be fantastic as the entry of such a giant opens up the floodgates for someone of my height (6 foot 5 inches) to one day enter the NJ Hall Of Fame. Once I get in, I will celebrate in an over the top fashion during my acceptance speech, like so:

"I have so many people to thank. My parents, my wife, my friends...ah screw it. Let's all get drunk and blow our money in Atlantic City."

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Somehow, Some Way, Someone Will Blame Iverson And Obama For This

Nothing but bad NBA news today. Gilbert went under the knife again and now there's been much hoopla over this Josh Howard YouTube video. Maybe I'm in a good mood after seeing Megan Fox pictures in GQ yesterday, but I'm not all that offended. He was like the 20th guy to mug to the camera and there was basically nothing else left to say! Does anyone actually care what a overhyped player on a choke job team says at a flag football game says anyway? You should hear the things to come out of Jor's and my mouth during our flag football days! Unspeakable things about people's mothers, country's flags, and Knight Rider that's what! I'm more worried that at some point some talking head on radio or TV will call for an apology from Iverson and that Obama is going to have to once again fight off the support of dumb ass celebs and athletes.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Rockets

First off, apologies for no entry yesterday. Had a family emergency, but all worked out well and I'm back and better than ever.


That's right, there is very little of note to report in the NBA today, and especially very little that is funny/entertaining. That means it is time for cheerleaders...this time from Houston. Houston is the land of quarterback Matt Shaub, baseball player Lance Berkman, um...the Houston Oilers used to play there...uhhhhh....crap, I need to visit Houston just to find out what kind of cool stuff is there. While I look up what is in Houston on wikipedia, please check out these dancers.
Thank you and goodnight.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Dirk Hates Bugs

Just surfing around and found this video. Dirk has a killer eye when it comes to bug killing. He also apparently enjoys smearing the smashed bug on his face immediately afterwards. This is the key to his NBA skills, kids. Smear away!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Wednesday And NBA Fights...FUN, FUN, FUN!

It's Wednesday, a day that is neither here nor there. It's not the beginning of the week or the end. It doesn't suck like a Monday, but also doesn't make you want to scream out of a window in happiness like a Friday (To my neighbors: That was not me screaming in happiness the other day. That was some other guy). All in all, it's just an apathetic vanilla day.

I say we take back Wednesday. I say we make it the most kickass day of the week. I say we run straight at the folks who make the calendars, hold up one of their 2008 puppy calendars, and say, "Put Wednesday somewhere better or we're going to set fire to March: Poodle Puppy Month".

It won't be easy, a lot of people will resist Wednesday being a better day. For this reason we will likely need force. By "we" I of course mean you, as I will be sipping Caprisun from my lofty New York Penthouse apartment, where I have a good view of things burning.

If you need a fight training video, I can think of none better than this. WARNING: There is foul language in this video clip, so if you have youngsters around you I strongly suggest you cover their ears with a bike helmet of some sort:

If this video clip doesn't work, you can check it out here:

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Darko To Knicks: I Am Ready To Be Your Victory Cigar

Wow...upon further inspection that title sounds really dirty.

Darko wants to be a Knick, going as far as to say that he is 99% sure that he will be dealt there. Must be a incredibly strong 1% chance for the trade to not happen yet, but I digress.

As a person who was able to watch their team (the Magic) get their hopes up with the arrival of the big galoot, I will say this: Do not get your hopes up with the arrival of this big galoot. He sucks. It's not for lack of trying........well........yeah, actually it IS for lack of trying. Darko has all of the physical skills necessary to become a premier center in the NBA, but he doesn't seem to want to put forth any of the work needed to become one. He lazily goes up for rebounds, does not hustle up and down the court, and as a result often gets lost in games. Olowokandi and Darko would have fantastic gym workout sessions, punctuated by looking at the ceiling and trips to the water fountain and back.

Wow, to be a Knicks fan in this day and age. It's like a nonstop donkey punch to the nuts. Just envisioning Walt Frazier trying to sound interested as he says, "Danilo to Darko" is enough to make anyone wearing blue and orange hurl themselves off a bridge.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Heat

I am simply shocked that there is no NBA news after a full weekend. Even on the slowest of weeks, there is something that happens over the span of two days to report on in pro basketball. I'm sure that it has much to do with the first week of the NFL season engulfing EVERYTHING sports news-related, but still...

Speaking of which, my Miami Dolphins lost to the Jets and Brett Favre, who has become one of the most loathsome players to watch in sports. Dolphins QB Chad Pennington's arm strength resembles that of a 3 year-old girl. I felt bad for 3 year-old girls for that comparison as I wrote that.

With talk of the Dolphins, and the NBA having no exciting headlines whatsoever, that can only mean a seamless segueway into Miami Cheerleaders! -Specifically Heat cheerleaders.

I am normally quite reserved in critiquing things such as team dancers...but my goodness gracious whatever they have in the drinking water in Miami has to be bottled and sold everywhere. The Heat might take the cake for "cheerleader the average guy would stare at even if a nuclear warhead was shooting straight towards him". Maybe slow news days in the NBA aren't so bad after all...

Friday, September 5, 2008

Team USA Loves Them Some Burgers

If I were a Wendy's exec, I would make this my new commercial STAT!:

Man, will the fun with these Team USA candid videos ever end? God bless Chris Bosh and his ridiculous filming. I feel like I learn something every time I watch these, with me learning three key lessons while watching this:

A) You can get Penzoil at Wendy's in China.

B) Lebron wears cheap-looking watches.

C) Dwight Howard cannot communicate while eating.

D) If this is their idea of a fun time, I would probably have absolutely no fun hanging out with Team USA (Considers the team probably spent their free time laying down in a blanket of groupies and money and reconsiders this).

Have a good weekend, folks!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

New Magic Jerseys Leaked? Me Likey?

Taking a break from the crapfest known as the Oklahoma City Thunder's new image, we take a look at what might possibly be the new Orlando Magic jerseys. As a diehard Magic fan, when the franchise told the fans the team's new look would be unveiled September 23rd, I was counting down the days until...well, not the 23rd (we live in an information age)...but rather the moment when someone would get some leaked footage of the new jerseys. Too many jackasses have cameraphones these days for it not to happen (God bless 'em).

It appears that day has come. This is either the new Magic jersey, some mock-up that the team did just for this photo shoot, or one of the many ways that the world is messing with my mind:

Oh yeah, I should have probably mentioned that these leaked photos are from a future Dwight Howard get milk ad. Most of you probably thought Dwight had dyed his moustache in one of those images, which I'm at least 36% sure he has not done. One of the many reasons Dwight Howard is currently my favorite player is the sheer fact that many of his photos show him grinning widely, almost as we would if we were suddenly given a billion dollars and NBA skills. These photos are no exception as he is grinning enough to mimic a sex-ed Mutombo.

Earlier images and leaked gossip about the new Magic jersey had it with pinstripes, which are not in these. I am hoping they have pinstripes, something teams like the Pittsburgh Pirates and Indiana Pacers have essentially ruined. Mobsters need something to wear with their pinstriped suit pants, dammit!

More news on the Magic jerseys as it's leaked. Stay tuned, gang.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The Thunder Suck Officially Now!

Well, gang, the OKC Thunder are officially a franchise. -A boring, yellow, blue and orange franchise. The "guitar pick of apathy" was officially unveiled today to a smattering of claps and yawns, and somewhere a Knicks fan said, "Hey...they just took the Knicks' colors. They just changed the white to a yellowish-white" Unfortunately no one heard said man because they were still booing the pick of Danilo Gallinari.

Who wants some completely generic apparel?! I DO!

Serial killers are rejoicing looking at this. Now they officially have something they can murder people in and then seamlessly blend into society. This shirt could be any shirt bought from Walmart or Target, and the bland font screams "I made this on cafepress.com for about 2 dollars". Even the Adidas logo under it looks like a mirror image of the logo. The only positive? Now I can officially start referring to him as Kevin (Thun)-Durant. Whoopie.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

A Thunderclap Of Crap...A "ThunderCrap"

We are close to the unveiling of the Oklahoma City Thunder logo...wait a tick...what's this?

Oh, my bad. Someone took the old Pistons logo, got rid of that weird horse with the mufflers poking out of it, and slapped a completely uninteresting triangle on it. For a second there I thought it was the new Thunder logo. Oops. I stumbled upon a generic pile of poop.

Okay, seriously...what is the boring nothingness on this ball? They didn't even have the decency to put a cloud on the darn thing? A lightning bolt? A damn weathervane? Fans of both Thunder and logos hang their head in shame at this one. Fans of WNBA-esque logos and staring at paint dry are overjoyed. Anyone that knows me knows that I take my logos seriously and this one is a slap in the face to everything I hold sacred.

I know, I know, it could be worse. -But it could be SO much better. The apathy is truly exemplified by the "Thunder" writing on the ball, which isn't even a font as much as its just the most basic thing they could think of. I can only hope that they didn't pick a font yet.

The saddest part of the whole thing? The real kick in the junk? I actually had hopes of learning something about Oklahoma City. Maybe they'd put an image of a famous Oklahoma City landmark, or maybe a creature from Oklahoma City folklore. They might put something that symbolized the working man, or the proud tradition of a city that so many lives reside in.

Instead we have this crummy non-logo, something I heretofore refer to as "the guitar pick of apathy". For shame, Oklahoma...for shame.*

*The door is not yet closed on this team actually looking cool. They still have colors, jerseys, and mascots which could help to redeem the travesty that is this logo. -This could even be the secondary logo, with something much cooler in store. Ah, who are we kidding. Let's all drink to this team's early relocation.

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