Monday, March 31, 2008
Baseball season is quickly upon us. I'm desperately trying to keep calm and not reach for the razor blades in the drawer at the sound of Karl Ravech's voice.
Here's some great games to help you forget that your framed Mister Mister album above your bed is telling you to do things.
3) Raptors at Nets (Saturday, April 5)
Last year, this was as interesting as an opening round Eastern Conference playoff series could be. A year later, Toronto has been sputtering and stalling, yet will fall ass-backwards into a playoff spot. Meanwhile, Philly of all teams is actually on a roll and will likely overtake the Raptors and maybe even the still-Gilbertless Wizards. New Jersey is trying to say that they're at least better than Atlanta. Oh man, but aren't we glad that we've got Vinsanity locked up for a billion years and that the new stadium is going to be so pretty!
2) Lakers at Kings (Sunday, April 6)
Things have mostly been quiet this season when it comes to the Tru Wariar, Ron Artest, since Sacramento has been out of the picture for the while. There's still some time left for him to make some noise by clotheslining Kobe, or at the very least, Sasha Vujacic.
1) Spurs at Jazz (Friday, April 4, ESPN)
Mehmet "Teen Wolf" Okur is back as the Jazz are fine tuning themselves for another post-season run and the defending champs have looked beatable all year despite currently sitting in the second seed slot. It's another one of those games that, depending upon how you look at it, means everything or absolutely nothing. It's not like there's any wrinkles both teams are trying to hide from the opposition at this point, so they might as well go all out. Just gotta cross your fingers that you don't blink when Manu's got the ball and that Boozer's thigh doesn't explode from too much HGH. All I know is that I have joygasms every time I watch Deron Williams play.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
-Stephon telling the interviewer to hold on while he checked who was calling his cell phone.
-A bizarre reference to predicting he will average "12-13 dimes...2-3 assists..."
-One of the creepier ways anyone has ever said, "If you believe it, you can achieve it."
-Stephon saying he shoots to win!...not to win the championship trophy (which he says he doesn't care about, and calls "shiny stuff")
-And much more! The end of the interview just devolves into Stephon dancing and yelling.
Well, this priceless interview (and many, many others) were yanked from the internet by Stephon's agent to help him save his image a while back. Since then Marbury was banned from Madison Square Garden amongst other crazy things, so his agent had his hands full to the point of not being able to police the internet. This all adds up to the return of this interview to the eagerly waiting eyes of the public.
Friday, March 28, 2008
1) Clay(s) - Taking a page from the Robert Johnson "How To Build A Middling Franchise" book, you could choose to name your team after your owner for no reason but vanity. You don't need to choose any crazy color schemes; just throw George Costanza-esque Body Suit Man unitards on the players and they're a shockingly revealing, yet aerodynamic troupe. You wouldn't even need a mascot, just a pile of mud...which would be used to female wrestling matches during halftime.
2) 5 Diamonds - In honor of this blog's favorite call girl to the governor, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, I present the Oklahoma City 5 Diamonds. They don't possess the gaudy highlight film athletic abilities of the 7 Diamonds, but they still push the ball hard, spread you out in the half court, and then pound it inside with the big man. They know how to have sex for money is what I'm saying. Naturally, all of the franchise history will be made up, but this will only help in assuring its fans that this is a classy operation. Also, tickets will cost in excess of $4,000 per quarter. Don't ask any questions, just leave the money on the night stand and relax.
3) 66'ers - *I'm actually being kind of serious here!* Oklahoma City grew to prominence partly because of having the famous Rte. 66 pass through it. That's all that's worth mentioning when it comes to Oklahoma City anyways. It would be in poor taste to bring up the bombing in '95 (but not hookers and men in flesh-colored unitards) so this is all that's left. That or you could embrace the blandness and homogeneity and name the team "The Oklahoma City Whole Lotta White Folk!"
4) Bible Thumpers - Oh yeah, I totally forgot Oklahoma is a red state! This is trendy considering that the election is coming up. Acknowledging that God is on this team's side will prove to be a difference maker when attracting big time stars to the Ninth Circle of Hell/adorable Midwest. No need to go far when looking for logos. Just choose the retired logo of the XFL's Memphis Maniax.
5) Funk - If the team from Utah can call itself the Jazz, then Oklahoma City can call itself something just as ludicrous.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
See what I did there with that title? This morning, Chris Webber is going to be calling a press conference to announce his retirement. As the picture to the right attests (w00t George Lynch!), Webber always knew how to capitalize on opportunities to make big plays. Oh let me stop!
Growing up in Orlando, I was very familiar with
Today marks the end of a career that surprisingly puts him in the company of only 5 other guys who averaged at least 20 points, 9 rebounds, and 4 assists; a list that includes Wilt Chamberlain, Elgin Baylor, Larry Bird, Billy Cunningham, and Kevin Garnett. That is surprisingly impressive for a guy who came in to the league as a beast, and is leaving it a hobbled pass first big man. Don't get it twisted, he is nice with the passing, but I'm gonna miss the inappropriate time out calling, second degree assaulting, arrest resisting, marijuana possessing, gambling ring assisting, Tyra Banks dissing, 2 Much Drama recording, Mayce Edward Christopher Webber III.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Okay, let's be honest here...I just wanted an excuse to post Charles Barkley doing his best Avery Johnson impression from when they lost to the Lakers a week back. Enjoy:
Gotta love Chuck.
My bracket is totally blown. I always forget that college basketball is such a cruel bitch that it even will make Derrick Coleman cry.
Here's some great games to help you get over your depression.
3) Wizards at Lakers (Sunday, March 30)
Gilbert Arenas was supposed to return to action this past Sunday, but that plan was nixed by the medical staff, thus only fueling my and Agent Zero's rage. I will not calm down until cocaine has entered my system and Gil is predicting 50 point games. I HAVE A DEMON INSIDE OF ME!
2) Clippers at Mavericks (Tuesday, March 25)
I'm pretty sure we've seen this movie before: A Texan team is battling for a playoff seeding when their best player (who is foreign and has weird facial hair) goes down with a devastating injury, which all but assures they'll miss the post-season. Heroically, the remaining members band together and go on a historically long winning streak. It could happen again, right? Jason Kidd still is on this team and it's his bread and butter to take garbage and get it through to the second round!
1) Cavaliers at 76ers (Sunday, March 30)
A possible preview of a first round playoff match-up! Is each team going to give its all to get the W or play it close to the vest to keep an advantage come playoff time? Will Samuel Dalembert eat anything? Does anyone else notice that Andre Miller is having a career year and Denver might not even make the playoffs? Is there anything more to Mike Brown other than his glasses? Too many story lines that will never be discussed.
*I'm so tired of LeBron pix that I'll just apologize now for putting up a photo of Black and Blue's old college roommate. Notice the Brady Quinn/caveman appearance, but know this: He can walk through walls, conduct the Gladiator soundtrack to exchange students, is a world-class swimmer with his floaties on and is the shit when watching Dragonball Z in the dark wearing a leather jacket and vampire sunglasses*
Monday, March 24, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
1) In 3 sentences or less, what made you want to be a part of Slamball?
A: I wanted to be part of a blue collar sport, not coaching guys that would sit out if they had a sprained pinky. And trust me. I coached guys that sat out with a sprained pinky.
2) What was the most spectacular Slamball dunk you've ever seen, if you had to pick one?
A: In a game, it was Sean Jackson's "mcnasty". It's sick. I couldn't believe he pulled it off. But the sickest dunk is at the end of the link to the teaser you have. Mason Gordon (creator) pulled off a dunk called "the revolution" in the season 2 slam dunk contest. It is RIDICULOUS. A front flip through the legs. He had practiced it, but never pulled it off until the dunk contest. We rushed the court when he did it.
3) Do you have a favorite NBA team (sorry, the fans really wanted to hear this one)?
A: Lol. The Indiana Pacers. But I'm biased because I worked for them.
4) We took a look at the Slamball team names: Bouncers, Steal, Riders, Rumble, Diablos, Slashers, Bandits...your team is named "The Mob". Admit it, you have the coolest team name.
A: Hahaha! Yeah, we do. We try to embrace that attitude on the court as well.
5) What does one look for in a good Slamball player? We have a mean set of calves.
A: It's a lot of things- heart, a willingness to put your body at tremendous risk to win, intelligence, the ability to read the floor within the different playing planes (court and air), athleticism, to be able to stay calm under pressure, but above all- fearlessness.
6) Obviously this is an incredibly high-contact sport. What is the worst injury you've seen?
A: During the final tryouts for Season two, they were shooting a documentary on the sport. The cameras were following a few players around and one of them happened to hit a tramp bed and come down improperly after a tramp jumper. (In basketball, we watch the ball all the way to the basket. In Slamball, you have to "un-learn" that and once you release the ball, look down for your landing point.) This young man was a talented kid, but he came down with one foot in the tramp and one foot on the island. (the red padded area in between the tramps.) He was bracing for the tramp to give, so the leg that landed on the island instantly broke and ripped through his ankle area... but the real disaster was that as this was happening, the right leg that landed in the tramp bed shot him back up akwardly and it forced his body into a rotation of sorts with his broken leg still planted in the island. That rotation cut his entire foot off. I was 10 feet away when it happened and I couldn't believe it. In a matter of 3 seconds the kid's foot was dangling by "dental floss" to his leg. He was a beast. The doctors re-attached his foot. He still wants to play.
7) Is there a "Michael Jordan of Slamball", as in one guy who is known around the league as being the best?
A: I don't know if there's a guy who dominates Slamball the way Jordan did the NBA... But with time, I expect there will be. Right now we have a few superstars though. James Willis , Sean Jackson, Whitney White, and Stan Fletcher are among them.
8) We keep hearing Slamball being referred to as "The XFL of Basketball". We loved the XFL (coincidentally loving a team called "The Hitmen"), but how accurate would this assessment be in your opinion?
A: Not very accurate. I hope we are never compared to the XFL. That league was created by Vince McMahon and the WWF. I would never hate on professional wrestling, but anytime the WWF backs a league I think you're kind f setting yourself up for disaster. Unless you're going to choreograph all the games. We'd like to think of ourselves more along the lines of the Arena Football League. In much the same way the Arena Football League is to the NFL or the UFC is to boxing, we would like to be to the NBA.
9) Would you rather: Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston?
A: Great call... Love them both, but gotta go with Aniston.
10) The Mob are the same colors as The Howeva Files...Black and Red...This makes us brothers. Do you need us to take out any players on any of the other teams for you?
A: Hahahaha! Please. Maybe a couple guys on the Riders or the Rumble to make our division a little easier. Lol.
11) If we were interested in purchasing some Mob merchandise, what would you recommend we buy? Anything silly scores bonus points.
A: A LaMonica "the machine" Garrett man-kini. Lol. Hope that scored points. We are all just waiting for the jerseys to be released. Slamball jerseys are ridiculously nice.
12) A Man-kini? That definitely scored points.
A: Hmmmmm, I guess "the professor". I'm kind of a nerd and am addicted to the x's and o's of Slamball. But I'm pretty good friends with Grayson Boucher from 'And One' and I don't think he'd wanna share the nickname.
13) Your team won the 2007 Powerade Slamball Challenge. What did you do to celebrate? If you "made it rain", like Titans player Pacman Jones, you are officially the best coach in any sport ever.
A: Hahaha! No. We try to stay away from club shootings as often as possible. But I think the guys did get a little crazy in Italy.
14) We imagine it's not all sunshine and gumdrops in the heat of battle. What is the meanest/funniest thing you can remember hearing yelled during game play?
A: Well, it's definitely not church out there. I can promise you that. I wouldn't be able to repeat the meanest things I've heard. (Or yelled.) The funniest thing I remember was during Season One, when a ref made a terrible call. I was going nuts and he walked over and asked me what my problem was. I told him he made a terrible call and he said "yeah, i forgot the rule for a second... sorry." It was such a funny moment because it was so honest. The refs (like the coaches) are hired because they have a high learning curve. (The slamball rule book is pretty thick.) It made me realize how tough a sport it was to officiate. And there are very few officials that actually admit to blowing a call.
15) Boxers or briefs?
A: Boxer-briefs. But I have one pair of Irish boxers I save for big games.
16) Have you, or any player you have known, ever used "I am a Slamball coach/I am a Slamball player" as a pickup line?
A: Hahahahaha! I don't think so. Do you think that would work? I'll give it a try the next time I'm out and let you know how it goes.
17) We learned, via wikipedia, that in the movie Back to the Future Part II, "Slamball" was listed as the favorite sport of Douglas J Needles while Marty McFly was speaking with him via videophone. Have you ever pointed this out to anyone?
A: You know, I was sent an e-mail the other day that said that. I love "Back to the Future" (I, II and III) but I didn't remember that part. I do remember that I was about 12 when Back to the Future II came out and I waited forever for them to invent a damn hover board. What a disappointment.
18) Agreed. Hoverboards not existing is the #1 source of stress in my life. As a coach, you have a high stress position. What is the hardest part of your job?
A: Not being able to sleep. But that's all coaching, not just Slamball. None of us can sleep. I was married during Slamball Season One and my wife used to get so mad because I'd wake up at all hours of the night with new ideas for offensive or defensive philosophies. I would get up four or five times a night and post my ideas on a wall in our condo. By the time the season was halfway done, we had a 30 foot long wall covered with Slamball courts diagrams... She divorced me a couple months later. It's a tough life. But it's worth it in the end.
19) When you are not working, what is your favorite way to relax?
A: I like to play XBOX 360. Madden, COD4, Halo and Tiger.
20) If a fan was just getting into Slamball, what would you tell them to do first?
A: Go to the website and get some info on our history. http://www.slamball.net/
21) How hands-on are you when in practice? Have you ever shown someone the proper way to dunk?
A: It's funny because the tramps take a lot of getting used to. We have tv personalities that always want to come and suit up to do a portion of their segment on the court. It always ends up in disaster. Jay Mohr was the funniest. He hit the tramps and did a nose dive into the island. It's probably on youtube somewhere. But I'm pretty good on the tramps, so I get out there a lot, especially to demonstrate timing on our sets. Am I out there taking face-offs? Nope. But I'd do it if it got our team fired up.
22) Sweet. We at The Howeva Files love crazy personalities. Who is the zaniest player you've ever been around and why?
A: We had a guy in the league who played for the Diablos during Season One. He was a samurai (no sh*t). And he was on a different planet. Even when he warmed up, it was like he was doing yoga with an invisible sword. Pretty funny.
23) We recently saw the movie "Rollerball" starring Chris Klein, and it was so bad that it was amazing. Have you ever seen a movie that was so awful that you wound up loving it?
A: Napoleon Dynamite. Lol. But the worst movie I've ever seen in my life was "Problem Child". Still the only movie I ever walked out of halfway through. I wanted to punch that kid.
24) Yes, and still somehow John Ritter's best movie. On an unrelated note, to wrap up, we read that Slamball has had you guys travelling around quite a bit. What is the coolest city you have been in during your travels?
A: We hit the normal big US markets. (LA, NYC, etc.) So I am really looking forward to training camp this year. We are at the IMG Complex in Bradenton, Florida, which is on the gulf coast. I've heard storied about the IMG facilities that are legendary, so I can't wait to get out there and try play a round of golf against a 13 year old prodigy.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
That's why. The Canadasaurs thrashed the Miami Heat in a 96-54 rout, which was reminiscent of NES fisticuffs with Michael Tyson (I mean he could knock you down in one hit, how is it fair?). This was a basketball game that just dripped with amazing, as Rasho Nesterovic got 31 minutes (not a joke) and finished with 12 points. Double digits! The always fantastic shooting Canuckaeopteryxes had another retarded night from the floor, shooting 54%, and a bananas 53% from behind the arc. Jose Calderon continues to make his case for most improved player with 10 points, 10 assists, 5 rebounds, and 4 steals, only turning it over once.
But lets look at some better numbers shall we? Miami shot 25%. That's awesome. I'd like to give a round of applause to a team that managed to compile the third lowest game point total for any team in any game since THE SHOT CLOCK WAS INTRODUCED. That was 54 years ago. A team that couldn't come out to play, because they had already done that once this month.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
The site is "CP3MVP.com", a name that sounds more like a license plate than a website. Also, it's hard to look at the name and NOT think about Star Wars character C3PO. I showed the name to no less than 10 people and they responded in a similar fashion. Amazingly, "ChrisPaulMVP.com" still isn't taken...nor is "ChrisPaul4MVP.com". Those would make too much sense. Best of all, regular ol' "ChrisPaul.com" IS taken by some egotystical guy talking about his "Master of Fine Arts in Graphic Design from the Yale School of Art". Someone slap this guy if you know him.
This all detracts from the real point here: as a site "Cp3MVP.com" stinks. It stinks primarily because it isn't much of a site at all. You get there and a Chris Paul graphic opens to show a smaller Chris Paul graphic. This excited me at first, hoping something humorous and/or entertaining was ahead, like the super fantastic Phoenix Suns Locker Room Site. 'Twas not to be, my friends. You click on the mini image of Chris Paul and all that follows is drab text on a black background. This text proclaims the following:
Here's your chance to tell the world why you think Chris Paul should be the NBA's Most Valuable Player.
Create a short video telling us why YOU think CP3 is the MVP and upload it to our myspace page. The best video will be selected as the winner and will be featured right here on Hornets.com!
Wow. How can Chris Paul NOT win after incredible effort put forth like that?! I've been ordered, not even asked, to create a short video about an NBA player on a site that was little more than text on a black background. -AND THAT'S NOT ALL! If I am lucky enough to WIN, I get my video featured on "Hornets.com". The 4-6 people who accidentally stumbled across "Hornets.com", looking to get their fix of sweet, unbridled bumblebee porn will actually see my video.
Give me a moment to collect myself. I just drooled all over the place with excitement.
Get real, CP3MVP.com creators. If you want to win, do it in a creative way like Chris Bosh's All Star Campaign video. Watch how it's done:
Watching that video makes me feel good inside. Well played, Mr. Bosh.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
"Life is too short not to be able to enjoy it a little bit, even when things are going bad. You've got a choice of going home, curling up in your bed and put the covers over you, or you can go see the Boss. I'll go see the Boss."
Monday, March 17, 2008
3) David West apparently means a lot to New Orleans since the Hornets were able to blow out the Spurs once he returned.
2) I'm still unsure why Shaq even suited up for this one, but the Suns pulled it out by hitting 50% of their threes against Golden State.
1) Houston is now everyone's darlings as they're still riding their winning streak after having beaten the Robert Johnsons and Lakers this weekend.
It would be foolish to overlook the NBA in favor of the NCAAs this week! Here's what's on tap:
3) Lakers at Jazz (Thursday, March 20, TNT)
Andrew Bynum was supposed to only be out 8 weeks, but now the tentative return date is in mid/late April. Now Gasol is out with a bum ankle. That's not good when you're in the hunt for a good playoff seed. Utah is getting healthier and is gearing up for another long playoff run. Give your girlfriends your lamest excuses to make it to the bar to see Kobe drop a billion.
2) Spurs at Mavericks (Sunday, March 23, ABC)
So what is Jason Kidd to Dallas after 14 games? Apparently, he's their three-point specialist, shooting at a 57.1% clip. That's not really his game, but Sunday is his 35th birthday and there would be no better time for him to have his coming out party than on national TV against the world champs. If that doesn't happen, you can at least be wowed by Ginobili.
1) Celtics at Rockets (Tuesday, March 18, TNT)
The Rockets have been kind of lucky during this streak due to injuries and suspensions to their opponents' best players and if Pierce and Garnett can't play, I expect a full investigation. Every game is a playoff game in the West and Boston better get their game in order if they want to compete after waltzing through the East all year. The Rockets are making the regular season as interesting as possible, so you better tune in.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
As far as I can confirm, DeShawn Stevenson likes 3 things; money, hoes, and defense. In the last night's 101-99 victory over Cleveland,
The story of the night though is not the things he does like (the aforementioned money, hoes, and defense, as well as guns, statutory rape, and fights), but what he doesn't like, i.e. Lebron James. According to Washington Post blogger Ivan Carter, one guy with 2 capital letters in his first name is fed up with the better guy with 2 capital letters in his first name.
Afterward, he talked about how the Cavs tried to punk the Wizards and how he's tired of it.
'I was just trying to get up under his skin and make him think about me playing, competing and talking trash. I played with Raja Bell in Utah and I take a lot of things from him. He's a great defender. Sometimes you gotta do that with those guys. Those guys play guys that are scared of them all day so sometimes, you gotta get under their skin and talk some trash and tonight, I tried to do that.'"
"He's overrated, And you can say I said that."
This is what happens when average role-players get their heads gassed after a decent performance. Not good, DECENT. It was a team effort; all of Washington's starters finished with at least 10 points, not to mention 15 and 10 coming from Darius Songaila and Nick Young respectively off the bench. On top of that, Caron Butler made his anticipated return to the squad, and played almost 42 minutes, which is a huge shot in the arm for that team. Even so, King James had 25 points, 7 boards, and 7 assists, which is much closer to a triple-double than Stevenson has ever seen. So really, if LBJ was overrated, he would've been shut down by you, because you are supposed to guard him. I mean isn't that fundamentally the goal of defense? Does that mean your defense is overrated? To me, you have to be better than average to start handing out overrated blasts, especially to someone who is the future of the game. You know who's overrated? Eddy Curry. Ben Wallace. Jermaine O'Neal. Let's put it into perspective here, I'm a good looking guy, but you don't see me throwing overrated blasts at Justin Timberlake; it's just not my place. I mean look at how fresh he dresses!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
-We somehow totally missed it (we blame it on our long sensual nights with Elliot Spitzer), but are in awe of "Kobe Bryant Day". (Hardwood Paroxysm)
-I enjoy watching Bruce Bowen maul people and get away scott-free...and you can too! (True Hoop)
-I had no idea that Dikembe Mutombo sounded like my elementary school gym teacher (who was a husky woman that sounded like Shane Battier's impression) (Deadspin)
-Easily the coolest photo of Shaq diving into the stands the other day. I say we launch him out of submarines to hit enemy ships. (The Sports Hernia)
-Oldie, but a goodie: who DOESN'T enjoy watching Damon Jones get posterized? Lebron sure does! (The Basketball Jones)
Upon inspection, we find that the patient has discomfort bending his right knee due to a build-up of a unique mix of donut jelly and nacho cheese in the joint.
To repair damage, we suggest sucking down more trans fats hoping that one of two things happen:
- The fatty foods in his knee leave to join its brothers in his stomach, hips, thighs, face, neck, arms, fingers...etc.
- He ends the nationwide epidemic of obesity by hogging all of the Doritos.