Monday, March 31, 2008

We Tell You What To Watch: Week of April 1 - 6

To recap the last week:
Baseball season is quickly upon us. I'm desperately trying to keep calm and not reach for the razor blades in the drawer at the sound of Karl Ravech's voice.

Here's some great games to help you forget that your framed Mister Mister album above your bed is telling you to do things.

3) Raptors at Nets (Saturday, April 5)

Last year, this was as interesting as an opening round Eastern Conference playoff series could be. A year later, Toronto has been sputtering and stalling, yet will fall ass-backwards into a playoff spot. Meanwhile, Philly of all teams is actually on a roll and will likely overtake the Raptors and maybe even the still-Gilbertless Wizards. New Jersey is trying to say that they're at least better than Atlanta. Oh man, but aren't we glad that we've got Vinsanity locked up for a billion years and that the new stadium is going to be so pretty!

2) Lakers at Kings (Sunday, April 6)

Things have mostly been quiet this season when it comes to the Tru Wariar, Ron Artest, since Sacramento has been out of the picture for the while. There's still some time left for him to make some noise by clotheslining Kobe, or at the very least, Sasha Vujacic.

1) Spurs at Jazz (Friday, April 4, ESPN)

Mehmet "Teen Wolf" Okur is back as the Jazz are fine tuning themselves for another post-season run and the defending champs have looked beatable all year despite currently sitting in the second seed slot. It's another one of those games that, depending upon how you look at it, means everything or absolutely nothing. It's not like there's any wrinkles both teams are trying to hide from the opposition at this point, so they might as well go all out. Just gotta cross your fingers that you don't blink when Manu's got the ball and that Boozer's thigh doesn't explode from too much HGH. All I know is that I have joygasms every time I watch Deron Williams play.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

The Triumphant Return Of The Stephon Marbury Interview Video

A while back Stephon Marbury was on the New York-area television program "Mike'D Up", and recorded one of the best interviews in television history. It was an interview that included:

-Stephon telling the interviewer to hold on while he checked who was calling his cell phone.
-A bizarre reference to predicting he will average "12-13 dimes...2-3 assists..."
-One of the creepier ways anyone has ever said, "If you believe it, you can achieve it."
-Stephon saying he shoots to win!...not to win the championship trophy (which he says he doesn't care about, and calls "shiny stuff")
-And much more! The end of the interview just devolves into Stephon dancing and yelling.

Well, this priceless interview (and many, many others) were yanked from the internet by Stephon's agent to help him save his image a while back. Since then Marbury was banned from Madison Square Garden amongst other crazy things, so his agent had his hands full to the point of not being able to police the internet. This all adds up to the return of this interview to the eagerly waiting eyes of the public.


Friday, March 28, 2008

Choose Your Own Adventure THF Style!

News that flew under the radar this week was that Sonics chairman, Clay Bennett, is willing to leave behind the team name, logo, colors and history after it's certain move to Oklahoma City in order to try and retain some shred of integrity. Logically, this means that the franchise will have to come up with an entirely new name, logo, and color set. Since I'm always a fan of cut-and-paste, I'm going to get the ball rolling a little early with 5 options Oklahomans/Oklahomaers (what is the proper word for someone from Oklahoma City btw?) might like.

1) Clay(s) - Taking a page from the Robert Johnson "How To Build A Middling Franchise" book, you could choose to name your team after your owner for no reason but vanity. You don't need to choose any crazy color schemes; just throw George Costanza-esque Body Suit Man unitards on the players and they're a shockingly revealing, yet aerodynamic troupe. You wouldn't even need a mascot, just a pile of mud...which would be used to female wrestling matches during halftime.

2) 5 Diamonds - In honor of this blog's favorite call girl to the governor, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, I present the Oklahoma City 5 Diamonds. They don't possess the gaudy highlight film athletic abilities of the 7 Diamonds, but they still push the ball hard, spread you out in the half court, and then pound it inside with the big man. They know how to have sex for money is what I'm saying. Naturally, all of the franchise history will be made up, but this will only help in assuring its fans that this is a classy operation. Also, tickets will cost in excess of $4,000 per quarter. Don't ask any questions, just leave the money on the night stand and relax.

3) 66'ers - *I'm actually being kind of serious here!* Oklahoma City grew to prominence partly because of having the famous Rte. 66 pass through it. That's all that's worth mentioning when it comes to Oklahoma City anyways. It would be in poor taste to bring up the bombing in '95 (but not hookers and men in flesh-colored unitards) so this is all that's left. That or you could embrace the blandness and homogeneity and name the team "The Oklahoma City Whole Lotta White Folk!"

4) Bible Thumpers - Oh yeah, I totally forgot Oklahoma is a red state! This is trendy considering that the election is coming up. Acknowledging that God is on this team's side will prove to be a difference maker when attracting big time stars to the Ninth Circle of Hell/adorable Midwest. No need to go far when looking for logos. Just choose the retired logo of the XFL's Memphis Maniax.

5) Funk - If the team from Utah can call itself the Jazz, then Oklahoma City can call itself something just as ludicrous.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Memphis Solidifies Itself As Some Sort Of NBA Bad Decision Fantasyland

When the Grizzlies traded Pau Gasol for a pile of dirty laundry and some pocket lint this season, most NBA fans smacked their forehead in anger (everyone except Lakers fans, who rubbed their hands together and hid their "dark period" Clippers jerseys). The Grizzlies had once again messed up royally, helping out other franchises and dooming their own.

Well, America's favorite bad decision team (not named the Bucks) is at it again! Word from the New York Post is that the Grizzlies are targeting Larry Brown to be their next head coach. Apparently highly-touted coach Marc Iavaroni isn't meshing well with the players, so they are already looking for a replacement.

Hmmm...their current coach isn't meshing well with the team's they are looking at bringing in Larry Brown. Brilliant! It's like trying to save a burning orphanage by throwing kegs of gasoline into it!

So how will Larry Brown work out with the Grizz, should they decide to go that route? Well, sometimes to see into the future, we need to look to the past. What were some of the other more important decisions the team has made in the past decade?

-They tried to establish an NBA franchise in Vancouver.

-Picked two of America's favorite colors for their expansion jerseys in "crap brown" and teal...It should be noted that the team officially calls this color "Naismith Blue". Can you hear him spinning in his grave, because I can!

-Drafted Bryant "Big Country" Reeves, possibly my favorite draft pick ever up to this point. It's like the organization threw out trying to find a face to market the franchise with and said, "Look, we ain't paying a franchise player AND a janitor. Let's consolidate here, people!"

-Signed Darko Milicic to a contract worth more than 5 dollars. Not. Smart.

-Drafted Shareef Abdur Rahim. Yep.

-Tried to establish an NBA franchise in Memphis.

Wow. I literally had to rip my hands from the keyboard to not continue with that list. If this move is anything like the team's past moves, this could be a trainwreck...and thus also be highly entertaining. Stay Tuned!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Wait Time Out... You Want to Retire?!?!

See what I did there with that title? This morning, Chris Webber is going to be calling a press conference to announce his retirement. As the picture to the right attests (w00t George Lynch!), Webber always knew how to capitalize on opportunities to make big plays. Oh let me stop!

Growing up in Orlando, I was very familiar with Chris Webber after my Magic took him first overall in 1993, subsequently trading him to Golden State for Penny Hardaway and 3 future first rounders. When he was a freshman in college, I was 11 years old, and completely caught up in the Fab Five; I started wearing the longest basketball shorts I could find, and decided that being Like Mike was no longer necessary, I could be a bruiser and control the paint, and that was way more fun than being THE GUY to me for some reason (maybe because I couldn't and still can't dribble, and I'm worthless on offense). I bought his Golden State jersey, and I thought he would be the future of the power forward position in the NBA. Ok maybe that didn't work out like I thought it would, but I was 13, Kurt Cobain was everywhere, my girlfriend had just gotten 2nd place on Nickelodeon's Guts, I mean it was a year that saw the release of Myst, Doom, Secret of Mana, and Star Fox, it was euphoria.

Today marks the end of a career that surprisingly puts him in the company of only 5 other guys who averaged at least 20 points, 9 rebounds, and 4 assists; a list that includes Wilt Chamberlain, Elgin Baylor, Larry Bird, Billy Cunningham, and Kevin Garnett. That is surprisingly impressive for a guy who came in to the league as a beast, and is leaving it a hobbled pass first big man. Don't get it twisted, he is nice with the passing, but I'm gonna miss the inappropriate time out calling, second degree assaulting, arrest resisting, marijuana possessing, gambling ring assisting, Tyra Banks dissing, 2 Much Drama recording, Mayce Edward Christopher Webber III.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Barkley Should Tour The Country With That Voice

Tonight the Mavericks, the only team anyone (including us) appears interested in down the playoff stretch this year, snapped a three game losing streak and showed they can actually win without Dirk. Of course, it was against the lowly Clippers, but a win is a win. -Yes, a win still does count against the Clippers.

Okay, let's be honest here...I just wanted an excuse to post Charles Barkley doing his best Avery Johnson impression from when they lost to the Lakers a week back. Enjoy:

Gotta love Chuck.

We Tell You What To Watch: Week of March 25 - April 1

To recap the last week:
My bracket is totally blown. I always forget that college basketball is such a cruel bitch that it even will make Derrick Coleman cry.

Here's some great games to help you get over your depression.

3) Wizards at Lakers (Sunday, March 30)

Gilbert Arenas was supposed to return to action this past Sunday, but that plan was nixed by the medical staff, thus only fueling my and Agent Zero's rage. I will not calm down until cocaine has entered my system and Gil is predicting 50 point games. I HAVE A DEMON INSIDE OF ME!

2) Clippers at Mavericks (Tuesday, March 25)

I'm pretty sure we've seen this movie before: A Texan team is battling for a playoff seeding when their best player (who is foreign and has weird facial hair) goes down with a devastating injury, which all but assures they'll miss the post-season. Heroically, the remaining members band together and go on a historically long winning streak. It could happen again, right? Jason Kidd still is on this team and it's his bread and butter to take garbage and get it through to the second round!

1) Cavaliers at 76ers (Sunday, March 30)

A possible preview of a first round playoff match-up! Is each team going to give its all to get the W or play it close to the vest to keep an advantage come playoff time? Will Samuel Dalembert eat anything? Does anyone else notice that Andre Miller is having a career year and Denver might not even make the playoffs? Is there anything more to Mike Brown other than his glasses? Too many story lines that will never be discussed.
*I'm so tired of LeBron pix that I'll just apologize now for putting up a photo of Black and Blue's old college roommate. Notice the Brady Quinn/caveman appearance, but know this: He can walk through walls, conduct the Gladiator soundtrack to exchange students, is a world-class swimmer with his floaties on and is the shit when watching Dragonball Z in the dark wearing a leather jacket and vampire sunglasses*

Monday, March 24, 2008

Dirk's Injury Is Not Serious/Incredibly Serious

The good news is that Dirk Nowitzki's horrific-looking injury is not serious and he'll only miss two weeks.

The bad news is that Dirk Nowitzki's horrific-looking injury will cause him to miss perhaps the most important two weeks of the season in a lot of people's eyes. This firmly establishes him as the second Dirk in recent memory to have a tragic fall from grace (the other being named "Diggler").

Doctors today gave the ol' Hasselhoff fan an MRI and determined that he only had a mild high-left ankle sprain and a mild left knee sprain. While this meant he would definitely be able to be available for the playoffs, suddenly the Mavs look like garbage and are in serious danger of not making the playoffs. Since the Jason Kidd trade, the Mavs have had trouble winning and "Mr. Triple Double" Kidd hasn't gotten one single triple double in a Mavericks uniform since he arrived. To make matters worse, the team and are only two games above the Nuggets, who currently own the 9th seed in the West (oops...make that margin 1.5 games). In Starbucks terms, that makes them "grande screw-achino-ed".

I feel bad for Dirk, who was out to really show he deserved the MVP he got last year with a solid stretch before the playoffs. I also feel bad for Mark Cuban and the Mavericks fans who had such high hopes after the Kidd trade. I even feel bad for myself, who twice predicted the Mavs would win the championship this year. -Still, there is no one I feel worse for than the poor fantasy basketball owner who just likely lost his top draft pick at the start of the fantasy basketball playoffs. You, sir or madam, are truly screwed. Have fun with that replacement Josh Boone pickup.
The weirdest part of this whole thing? There is a very solid chance that the Mavs, a team that is currently 18 games over .500, could be sitting on their couches watching the Hawks in this year's playoffs. The Hawks are currently a blazing 9 games under .500 and 14.5 games back in their own division. Even weirder, the could Nets somehow sneak into the playoffs if the Hawks falter. The NETS!
Somewhere Joumana Kidd is cackling to the heavens as she stirs her cauldron of Jason-Kidd-mojo-killing potions.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Celebrity Interview: Slamball Coach Brendan Kirsch

For our 200th post (has it only been that many?), we wanted to make sure we spoke to someone special. We already talk to God on a daily basis, doing his work here on earth with this site, but we figured we'd for this post we'd talk to someone fun in the world of basketball.

Enter Brendan Kirsch. Brendan is the head coach of The Mob, the 2007 championship team in Slamball. For those of you not familiar with the concept and league of "Slamball", check this out. It's everything you've ever wanted in life in one video clip:

Yowza. With such a fun, bezerk league, we knew this guy would be good conversation. Without any further ado, our interview with Brendan:
1) In 3 sentences or less, what made you want to be a part of Slamball?
A: I wanted to be part of a blue collar sport, not coaching guys that would sit out if they had a sprained pinky. And trust me. I coached guys that sat out with a sprained pinky.

2) What was the most spectacular Slamball dunk you've ever seen, if you had to pick one?
A: In a game, it was Sean Jackson's "mcnasty". It's sick. I couldn't believe he pulled it off. But the sickest dunk is at the end of the link to the teaser you have. Mason Gordon (creator) pulled off a dunk called "the revolution" in the season 2 slam dunk contest. It is RIDICULOUS. A front flip through the legs. He had practiced it, but never pulled it off until the dunk contest. We rushed the court when he did it.

3) Do you have a favorite NBA team (sorry, the fans really wanted to hear this one)?
A: Lol. The Indiana Pacers. But I'm biased because I worked for them.

4) We took a look at the Slamball team names: Bouncers, Steal, Riders, Rumble, Diablos, Slashers, Bandits...your team is named "The Mob". Admit it, you have the coolest team name.
A: Hahaha! Yeah, we do. We try to embrace that attitude on the court as well.

5) What does one look for in a good Slamball player? We have a mean set of calves.
A: It's a lot of things- heart, a willingness to put your body at tremendous risk to win, intelligence, the ability to read the floor within the different playing planes (court and air), athleticism, to be able to stay calm under pressure, but above all- fearlessness.

6) Obviously this is an incredibly high-contact sport. What is the worst injury you've seen?
A: During the final tryouts for Season two, they were shooting a documentary on the sport. The cameras were following a few players around and one of them happened to hit a tramp bed and come down improperly after a tramp jumper. (In basketball, we watch the ball all the way to the basket. In Slamball, you have to "un-learn" that and once you release the ball, look down for your landing point.) This young man was a talented kid, but he came down with one foot in the tramp and one foot on the island. (the red padded area in between the tramps.) He was bracing for the tramp to give, so the leg that landed on the island instantly broke and ripped through his ankle area... but the real disaster was that as this was happening, the right leg that landed in the tramp bed shot him back up akwardly and it forced his body into a rotation of sorts with his broken leg still planted in the island. That rotation cut his entire foot off. I was 10 feet away when it happened and I couldn't believe it. In a matter of 3 seconds the kid's foot was dangling by "dental floss" to his leg. He was a beast. The doctors re-attached his foot. He still wants to play.
(This might be the best response to a question in the history of sports interviews ever. The mental image of this will entertain/haunt me well into my elder years -Black and Blue Jor)

7) Is there a "Michael Jordan of Slamball", as in one guy who is known around the league as being the best?
A: I don't know if there's a guy who dominates Slamball the way Jordan did the NBA... But with time, I expect there will be. Right now we have a few superstars though. James Willis , Sean Jackson, Whitney White, and Stan Fletcher are among them.

8) We keep hearing Slamball being referred to as "The XFL of Basketball". We loved the XFL (coincidentally loving a team called "The Hitmen"), but how accurate would this assessment be in your opinion?
A: Not very accurate. I hope we are never compared to the XFL. That league was created by Vince McMahon and the WWF. I would never hate on professional wrestling, but anytime the WWF backs a league I think you're kind f setting yourself up for disaster. Unless you're going to choreograph all the games. We'd like to think of ourselves more along the lines of the Arena Football League. In much the same way the Arena Football League is to the NFL or the UFC is to boxing, we would like to be to the NBA.

9) Would you rather: Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston?
A: Great call... Love them both, but gotta go with Aniston.

10) The Mob are the same colors as The Howeva Files...Black and Red...This makes us brothers. Do you need us to take out any players on any of the other teams for you?
A: Hahahaha! Please. Maybe a couple guys on the Riders or the Rumble to make our division a little easier. Lol.

11) If we were interested in purchasing some Mob merchandise, what would you recommend we buy? Anything silly scores bonus points.
A: A LaMonica "the machine" Garrett man-kini. Lol. Hope that scored points. We are all just waiting for the jerseys to be released. Slamball jerseys are ridiculously nice.

12) A Man-kini? That definitely scored points.
We love that Slamball players have nicknames like "The Machine", "Inches", and "Ghetto Bird". What would your nickname be?
A: Hmmmmm, I guess "the professor". I'm kind of a nerd and am addicted to the x's and o's of Slamball. But I'm pretty good friends with Grayson Boucher from 'And One' and I don't think he'd wanna share the nickname.

13) Your team won the 2007 Powerade Slamball Challenge. What did you do to celebrate? If you "made it rain", like Titans player Pacman Jones, you are officially the best coach in any sport ever.
A: Hahaha! No. We try to stay away from club shootings as often as possible. But I think the guys did get a little crazy in Italy.

14) We imagine it's not all sunshine and gumdrops in the heat of battle. What is the meanest/funniest thing you can remember hearing yelled during game play?
A: Well, it's definitely not church out there. I can promise you that. I wouldn't be able to repeat the meanest things I've heard. (Or yelled.) The funniest thing I remember was during Season One, when a ref made a terrible call. I was going nuts and he walked over and asked me what my problem was. I told him he made a terrible call and he said "yeah, i forgot the rule for a second... sorry." It was such a funny moment because it was so honest. The refs (like the coaches) are hired because they have a high learning curve. (The slamball rule book is pretty thick.) It made me realize how tough a sport it was to officiate. And there are very few officials that actually admit to blowing a call.

15) Boxers or briefs?
A: Boxer-briefs. But I have one pair of Irish boxers I save for big games.

16) Have you, or any player you have known, ever used "I am a Slamball coach/I am a Slamball player" as a pickup line?
A: Hahahahaha! I don't think so. Do you think that would work? I'll give it a try the next time I'm out and let you know how it goes.

17) We learned, via wikipedia, that in the movie Back to the Future Part II, "Slamball" was listed as the favorite sport of Douglas J Needles while Marty McFly was speaking with him via videophone. Have you ever pointed this out to anyone?
A: You know, I was sent an e-mail the other day that said that. I love "Back to the Future" (I, II and III) but I didn't remember that part. I do remember that I was about 12 when Back to the Future II came out and I waited forever for them to invent a damn hover board. What a disappointment.

18) Agreed. Hoverboards not existing is the #1 source of stress in my life. As a coach, you have a high stress position. What is the hardest part of your job?
A: Not being able to sleep. But that's all coaching, not just Slamball. None of us can sleep. I was married during Slamball Season One and my wife used to get so mad because I'd wake up at all hours of the night with new ideas for offensive or defensive philosophies. I would get up four or five times a night and post my ideas on a wall in our condo. By the time the season was halfway done, we had a 30 foot long wall covered with Slamball courts diagrams... She divorced me a couple months later. It's a tough life. But it's worth it in the end.

19) When you are not working, what is your favorite way to relax?
A: I like to play XBOX 360. Madden, COD4, Halo and Tiger.

20) If a fan was just getting into Slamball, what would you tell them to do first?
A: Go to the website and get some info on our history.

21) How hands-on are you when in practice? Have you ever shown someone the proper way to dunk?
A: It's funny because the tramps take a lot of getting used to. We have tv personalities that always want to come and suit up to do a portion of their segment on the court. It always ends up in disaster. Jay Mohr was the funniest. He hit the tramps and did a nose dive into the island. It's probably on youtube somewhere. But I'm pretty good on the tramps, so I get out there a lot, especially to demonstrate timing on our sets. Am I out there taking face-offs? Nope. But I'd do it if it got our team fired up.

22) Sweet. We at The Howeva Files love crazy personalities. Who is the zaniest player you've ever been around and why?
A: We had a guy in the league who played for the Diablos during Season One. He was a samurai (no sh*t). And he was on a different planet. Even when he warmed up, it was like he was doing yoga with an invisible sword. Pretty funny.

23) We recently saw the movie "Rollerball" starring Chris Klein, and it was so bad that it was amazing. Have you ever seen a movie that was so awful that you wound up loving it?
A: Napoleon Dynamite. Lol. But the worst movie I've ever seen in my life was "Problem Child". Still the only movie I ever walked out of halfway through. I wanted to punch that kid.

24) Yes, and still somehow John Ritter's best movie. On an unrelated note, to wrap up, we read that Slamball has had you guys travelling around quite a bit. What is the coolest city you have been in during your travels?
A: We hit the normal big US markets. (LA, NYC, etc.) So I am really looking forward to training camp this year. We are at the IMG Complex in Bradenton, Florida, which is on the gulf coast. I've heard storied about the IMG facilities that are legendary, so I can't wait to get out there and try play a round of golf against a 13 year old prodigy.

A truly fantastic interview involves Back To The Future II, references to sex with Jennifer Aniston, and mentions of samurais. Our special thanks to Brendan "The Professor" Kirsch to answering all of our questions. He has made some Slamball fans for life.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Blog Roundup Time: March Madness The Ol' NBA Way

Thursday, Bloody Thursday.  With teams being dispatched at a quick pace in the NCAA tournament, the collective world has its eyes squarely on March Madness.  We, on the other hand, are primarily an NBA site so it's our job to sift through the mountains of bracketology sites and find ones that are still vaguely referring to the pros. Yes, today truly sucks to be reporting on NBA links, sports fans (thank god this isn't a hockey site).

That being said, for what it's worth: "UCLA 82 over Georgetown 72" in the championship.  I am not a huge college sports fan since I went to a relatively small school (Go Connecticut College Camels!), but I do really get into the bracket every year.  I'm sure you'll see many a reference to the games on this site during the tournament.  How can you NOT when there are people who suddenly become household names with names like "Pittsnoggle"?!

Anyhoo, here's this week's top 5:

-Analyzing what most people forget: Kobe wanted out of Charlotte! (We Rite Goode)

-Lebron James a Net?  It Jay-Z keeps wooing him, who knows? (True Hoop)

-Cavs cheerleader Amanda has MY vote. Hubba Hubba. (The Big Picture)

-Inside the consciousness of the new Phoenix Suns (Free Darko)

Mickael Pietrus and Scrabble make for an interesting video (Yahoo! Sports Blog)

Hey Chris Bosh is Back! Oh Yeah and Miami is AWFUL.

After a 10 game hiatus, Blane Harrington Chris Bosh made his return for the Toronto Raptors last night, with a safe and modest 8 points, 8 rebounds, and 1 block in 23 minutes on the floor. Why does this matter you ask?

That's why. The Canadasaurs thrashed the Miami Heat in a 96-54 rout, which was reminiscent of NES fisticuffs with Michael Tyson (I mean he could knock you down in one hit, how is it fair?). This was a basketball game that just dripped with amazing, as Rasho Nesterovic got 31 minutes (not a joke) and finished with 12 points. Double digits! The always fantastic shooting Canuckaeopteryxes had another retarded night from the floor, shooting 54%, and a bananas 53% from behind the arc. Jose Calderon continues to make his case for most improved player with 10 points, 10 assists, 5 rebounds, and 4 steals, only turning it over once.

But lets look at some better numbers shall we? Miami shot 25%. That's awesome. I'd like to give a round of applause to a team that managed to compile the third lowest game point total for any team in any game since THE SHOT CLOCK WAS INTRODUCED. That was 54 years ago. A team that couldn't come out to play, because they had already done that once this month.

"We left everything in Milwaukee," Miami Heat head coach Pat Riley said. "We just didn't have enough firepower, enough manpower."

Damn right you didn't have enough manpower, you had like 10 DNP's. Congratulations to a team that scored 10 points in the second quarter, and 9 points in the fourth. Mapleleafadon swingman Joey Graham tied Miami's point total in the fourth by himself, which is awesome because Joey Graham is average. Which even further cements the point that Miami is below average. The icing on the cake? Udonis Haslem is now shut down for the year; he'll have surgery to repair a bone spur in his ankle, which sounds like it feels really great. So to sum the whole thing up:

Joey Graham > Miami Heat

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Chris Paul Ain't Winning MVP With This One

I've seen a lot of crappy websites in my day...I'm looking right at you the new website the Hornets launched to help win Chris Paul MVP shares an ample spot in the pantheon of poop.

The site is "", a name that sounds more like a license plate than a website. Also, it's hard to look at the name and NOT think about Star Wars character C3PO. I showed the name to no less than 10 people and they responded in a similar fashion. Amazingly, "" still isn't taken...nor is "". Those would make too much sense. Best of all, regular ol' "" IS taken by some egotystical guy talking about his "Master of Fine Arts in Graphic Design from the Yale School of Art". Someone slap this guy if you know him.

This all detracts from the real point here: as a site "" stinks. It stinks primarily because it isn't much of a site at all. You get there and a Chris Paul graphic opens to show a smaller Chris Paul graphic. This excited me at first, hoping something humorous and/or entertaining was ahead, like the super fantastic Phoenix Suns Locker Room Site. 'Twas not to be, my friends. You click on the mini image of Chris Paul and all that follows is drab text on a black background. This text proclaims the following:

Hey Fans,

Here's your chance to tell the world why you think Chris Paul should be the NBA's Most Valuable Player.

Create a short video telling us why YOU think CP3 is the MVP and upload it to our myspace page. The best video will be selected as the winner and will be featured right here on!

Good Luck!

Wow. How can Chris Paul NOT win after incredible effort put forth like that?! I've been ordered, not even asked, to create a short video about an NBA player on a site that was little more than text on a black background. -AND THAT'S NOT ALL! If I am lucky enough to WIN, I get my video featured on "". The 4-6 people who accidentally stumbled across "", looking to get their fix of sweet, unbridled bumblebee porn will actually see my video.

Give me a moment to collect myself. I just drooled all over the place with excitement.

Get real, creators. If you want to win, do it in a creative way like Chris Bosh's All Star Campaign video. Watch how it's done:

Watching that video makes me feel good inside. Well played, Mr. Bosh.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Pat Riley Knows How To Turn This Team Around

Pat Riley's team sucks ass.

Let's just get that out of the way. The Heat are not only injured beyond belief at this point, but also are awful enough when they ARE healthy to make it look like they are tanking the rest of the season for that #1 draft pick (even though they aren't...I shudder at the purgatory Shawn Marion is in).

Do minor details like this bother a man like Pat Riley? You're joking right? This guy regularly smiles through firing coaches and players, not to mention castrating Stan Van Gundy and taking away his Heat championship a few years back. This is NOTHING to him.

This helps explain why Pat Riley is spending his somber losing streak days, in which he should be doing everything possible to turn around his fallen franchise, attending Bruce Springsteen concerts. Who needs to figure out silly things like rotations and who should stay with the team this offseason when you have the smooth grooves of "Born to Run" and "Born In The U.S.A." and other songs about birth? After all, even Steve Van Zandt certainly can do no worse than Smush Parker.

During a recent concert, Springsteen apparently even dedicated a song to Pat Riley. The thought of these two even possibly holding a conversation seems so alien to me. The rugged working class boy from New Jersey chatting with the slick-haired cosmopolitan "Al Pacino in the movie The Devil's Advocate" clone? I don't think so. Pat Riley most likely doesn't even listen to music. He just listens to the scream Dwayne Wade bellowed when his shoulder was dislocated on his ipod on loop.

Ah well, I guess everyone has their way of dealing with stress differently. At the very least, the next time I have a bad day at work I now will follow Pat Riley's advice. Will I attempt to solve the problem right away or throw myself into my work to discover the source of the problem? Nah. I'll just utter the words of Riles:

"Life is too short not to be able to enjoy it a little bit, even when things are going bad. You've got a choice of going home, curling up in your bed and put the covers over you, or you can go see the Boss. I'll go see the Boss."

Enjoy the season tickets, Heat fans!

Monday, March 17, 2008

We Tell You What To Watch: Week Of March 17-23

To recap last week's games of the week:
3) David West apparently means a lot to New Orleans since the Hornets were able to blow out the Spurs once he returned.
2) I'm still unsure why Shaq even suited up for this one, but the Suns pulled it out by hitting 50% of their threes against Golden State.
1) Houston is now everyone's darlings as they're still riding their winning streak after having beaten the Robert Johnsons and Lakers this weekend.

It would be foolish to overlook the NBA in favor of the NCAAs this week! Here's what's on tap:

3) Lakers at Jazz (Thursday, March 20, TNT)

Andrew Bynum was supposed to only be out 8 weeks, but now the tentative return date is in mid/late April. Now Gasol is out with a bum ankle. That's not good when you're in the hunt for a good playoff seed. Utah is getting healthier and is gearing up for another long playoff run. Give your girlfriends your lamest excuses to make it to the bar to see Kobe drop a billion.

2) Spurs at Mavericks (Sunday, March 23, ABC)

So what is Jason Kidd to Dallas after 14 games? Apparently, he's their three-point specialist, shooting at a 57.1% clip. That's not really his game, but Sunday is his 35th birthday and there would be no better time for him to have his coming out party than on national TV against the world champs. If that doesn't happen, you can at least be wowed by Ginobili.

1) Celtics at Rockets (Tuesday, March 18, TNT)

The Rockets have been kind of lucky during this streak due to injuries and suspensions to their opponents' best players and if Pierce and Garnett can't play, I expect a full investigation. Every game is a playoff game in the West and Boston better get their game in order if they want to compete after waltzing through the East all year. The Rockets are making the regular season as interesting as possible, so you better tune in.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Let's Go Streakin' With Houston

The Rockets won their 22nd game tonight, leaving the average joe to ask, "Wow, how long can they keep this up?"

The average joe then looked at the schedule, saw the Celtics were up next for the Rockets, and went, "Oh. I guess until then."

Still, ya never know. The Celtics will be playing that game the night after a possible finals preview against the Spurs on Monday night, so they could use up all of their mojo the night before. If the Rockets do win that game to make it 23 straight, they have to do the equivalent of the "drink a gallon of milk in an hour challenge" by playing the Hornets, Warriors, and Suns all in one week. Call it a hunch, but the spaceships ain't making it to the weekend unscathed.

Even more importantly, the only streak left for the Rockets to eclipse is the 33-game win streak set by the Los Angeles Lakers wayyy back in the day. 22 games is pretty darn impressive, especially without Yao Ming, but they have to do HALF of what they JUST ACCOMPLISHED just to TIE 33! You can tell how difficult that is by the amount of times I hit "Caps Lock" in that last sentence. Caps lock don't mess around.

Also, in keeping with the "Tracy McGrady only seems to suck when it actually matters" knowledge that every citizen of the United States of America has, it is only a matter of time before the rest of the team starts having to keep this streak alive. Tonight might have been the beginning of that phenomenon as Rafer Alston had to score 31 points for the Rockets to win, with McGrady barely getting into double digit scoring. Next thing you know, Mutombo might even have to score more than 0 points for the team to win!

Man, every good NBA discussion always comes back to Dikembe Mutombo. When he retires in a few years at the age of 75, I'll be one sad man.

Friday, March 14, 2008

DeShawn Is Tired of YOU!

As far as I can confirm, DeShawn Stevenson likes 3 things; money, hoes, and defense. In the last night's 101-99 victory over Cleveland, LeToya Luckett's fiance Farrah Franklin's boy toy Stevenson had 13 points, 5 assists, and 3 steals in 39 minutes of play; not too shabby.

The story of the night though is not the things he does like (the aforementioned money, hoes, and defense, as well as guns, statutory rape, and fights), but what he doesn't like, i.e. Lebron James. According to Washington Post blogger Ivan Carter, one guy with 2 capital letters in his first name is fed up with the better guy with 2 capital letters in his first name.

"At the end of the first quarter, after James missed a layup while he was defended closely by Stevenson, James starting barking in Stevenson's direction. I was sitting at the press table not all that far from James but couldn't make out his exact words because the crowd at the VC was actually loud for once but they weren't friendly.

Stevenson wasn't backing down.

Afterward, he talked about how the Cavs tried to punk the Wizards and how he's tired of it.

'I was just trying to get up under his skin and make him think about me playing, competing and talking trash. I played with Raja Bell in Utah and I take a lot of things from him. He's a great defender. Sometimes you gotta do that with those guys. Those guys play guys that are scared of them all day so sometimes, you gotta get under their skin and talk some trash and tonight, I tried to do that.'"

I learned all my best stuff from Raja Bell too. Afterward, Stevenson was heard saying to Post reporter Mike Lee about Cleveland's Messiah,

"He's overrated, And you can say I said that."

This is what happens when average role-players get their heads gassed after a decent performance. Not good, DECENT. It was a team effort; all of Washington's starters finished with at least 10 points, not to mention 15 and 10 coming from Darius Songaila and Nick Young respectively off the bench. On top of that, Caron Butler made his anticipated return to the squad, and played almost 42 minutes, which is a huge shot in the arm for that team. Even so, King James had 25 points, 7 boards, and 7 assists, which is much closer to a triple-double than Stevenson has ever seen. So really, if LBJ was overrated, he would've been shut down by you, because you are supposed to guard him. I mean isn't that fundamentally the goal of defense? Does that mean your defense is overrated? To me, you have to be better than average to start handing out overrated blasts, especially to someone who is the future of the game. You know who's overrated? Eddy Curry. Ben Wallace. Jermaine O'Neal. Let's put it into perspective here, I'm a good looking guy, but you don't see me throwing overrated blasts at Justin Timberlake; it's just not my place. I mean look at how fresh he dresses!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Blog Roundup Time: I Hope I Have A Kid One Day Who Sounds Like Dikembe

It's Thursday, which means it's time to see what the rest of our rather productive society is discussing.

-We somehow totally missed it (we blame it on our long sensual nights with Elliot Spitzer), but are in awe of "Kobe Bryant Day". (Hardwood Paroxysm)

-I enjoy watching Bruce Bowen maul people and get away scott-free...and you can too! (True Hoop)

-I had no idea that Dikembe Mutombo sounded like my elementary school gym teacher (who was a husky woman that sounded like Shane Battier's impression) (Deadspin)

-Easily the coolest photo of Shaq diving into the stands the other day. I say we launch him out of submarines to hit enemy ships. (The Sports Hernia)

-Oldie, but a goodie: who DOESN'T enjoy watching Damon Jones get posterized? Lebron sure does! (The Basketball Jones)

The Second Opinion: Eddy Curry

As has been reported the last few days, Knicks center, Eddie Curry, might need season-ending surgery on his injured right knee. This isn't much to cry about considering that the season is lost for New York and that he's been having one of the worst statistical seasons of his career, but it is worth it for him to get a second opinion before going under the knife. Who better to give medical advice than The Howeva Files?!?

Upon inspection, we find that the patient has discomfort bending his right knee due to a build-up of a unique mix of donut jelly and nacho cheese in the joint.

To repair damage, we suggest sucking down more trans fats hoping that one of two things happen:
  1. The fatty foods in his knee leave to join its brothers in his stomach, hips, thighs, face, neck, arms, fingers...etc.
  2. He ends the nationwide epidemic of obesity by hogging all of the Doritos.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Dwight Howard Is Going To Destroy Us All

Refs hate dirty players.  David Stern hates dirty players.  Basically the WHOLE LEAGUE hates dirty players, and will do everything to stop them before anything bad happens.

-So it made perfect sense when Orlando Magic GM Otis Smith proclaimed to the media today that he wants his team to "develop a nasty attitude".  When pushed on what exactly he meant by this, Otis alluded to how much Dwight Howard got fouled in his previous game and cryptically said:

"Dwight can take care of himself...he knows how to protect himself."

Damn.  After reading that, I expect nothing less than Dwight Howard full-on decapitating a guy and drinking his blood at midcourt.  Usually it's the GM trying to cool off malcontent players, not telling them to grow a pair and start watching old Stephen Jackson footage.  Howard, a devout Christian (who hangs out with porn stars...I love adding that in there), also appears to be getting more cajones with his speech lately too.  When asked how it felt to be the subject of fouls with his increased productivity, Dwight responded:

"Imagine getting punished on the body the whole game by a bunch of little midgets."

See, kids, it's creativity like that which won this guy the dunk title.  While I can't say I love the visual image of a bunch of midgets beating me senseless, the other visual image of Dwight Howard going Cloverfield on other players will be something I take out the popcorn for.

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