Thursday, April 30, 2009

Josh Smith FAIL

Some guys don't reeeeeally get that they are in the playoffs. Sure, they get that they are stuck playing more games, there are more cameras, and suddenly people give a crap about their bobblehead dolls...but besides that it's still all fun and games.

Josh Smith is one said creature. Whenever you watch him in the playoffs, he lacks that stare of anger and intensity that people like Kobe and KG have in knowing they will ultimately be remembered for their championships. Instead, you get this, an EPIC DUNK FAIL:

Don't get me wrong...had he made that dunk the world would be singing his praises. Instead, he is caught with his junk in his hands and the better part of the press saying that he has no idea how important each point in these games are. My solution? Do the same ridiculous dunks while wearing a teal-colored "I am taking this game seriously" shirt. It will clear up any confusion, while still appealing to groundlings like me.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Portland Overcomes Celebrity Sighting In Pivotal Win

As if having to contend with a 7'-6" genetically manufactured basketball machine and the one Tru Warrier of Queens wasn't enough for the young and easily distracted Portland Trailblazers, they have had to compete against their instinctual reaction to fawn all over the British comedic phenom, Russell Brand.

While simultaneously quoting some of his famous lines from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Brand lead the Rockets to a 11 point lead in the fourth quarter. But minor celebrity sightings failed to keep LaMarcus Aldridge and Brandon Roy down as they single-handedly mounted a comeback all the while mouthing "Inside of You" in Brand's direction.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

David Lee Is Available Ladies, Er...I Mean Teams

Restricted free agent power forward (lord, that is a long title) David Lee came out today and said he will gladly play for any team that will pay him...Wanting, really different than the other players in the NBA, David. Definitely headline-worthy.

I really like David Lee. Not only because I feel bad that he had to endure the crap Larry Brown years AND the crap Isiah years, but also because he seems to genuinely be a nice, entertaining guy to be around. With an introduction like that, tell me I wouldn't be a good wingman.

Here is David Lee being his usual fun self:

I find it very funny the way he almost yells at the camera "I like the way you THINK." This makes the image of David Lee hitting on women akin to him walking up to a bunch of women, them looking at how tall he is, and him blurting out, "I'm very tall and proportionate everywhere. Yes, everwhere. You may now fight over me."

Update: How amazing is this Bulls-Celtics series? Really, KG's inclusion would have only ruined this thing. Celtics win in OT again.

Update #2: Magic beat the Sixers to take a 3-2 lead. I can now sleep soundly.

Monday, April 27, 2009

The BEST Play Of The NBA Weekend

I was extremely happy the Magic won to tie the series with the Sixers 2-2, but for me the highlight of the NBA games this weekend was Ben Gordon's amazing clutch 3-pointer to send the game into double overtime against the Celtics (a game the Bulls later won as a result).

Scratch that.

The highlight for me followed immediately afterward. It was Ben Gordon celebrating by grabbing his groin in a profane way after the shot. I nearly shot beer out of my nose as I laughed out loud. Anubis Taylor was beside me, dodging Samuel Adams spittle.

Mark my words, the next time I get a promotion or raise at work, I am doing this:

Thus, if you see a tall guy with a tie and a suit with his hand on his crotch, skipping down the streets of New York and yelling in the air, it's most likely me.

If it's not me, then chances are you are a female and it's this guy. You should then find a place to hide.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

One Last Video Game Glitch For The Road

The Bulls are getting their asses handed to them right now at halftime (losing by 22 to the Celtics), as are the Spurs (losing by 19 to the Mavs), so let's take a break from the playoffs momentarily to say goodnight to one standby that has been there throughout this NBA season: Fun NBA video glitches.

It's fitting that we end the year with perhaps my favorite video game glitch of the year, in NBA 2k9:

Really, this one is so good that the fact that Nene has a white man's upper body at times is just icing on the cake. Very good find, 9-year-old-sounding-kid-in-the-video. I'm going to have beers tonight until the blowout games on TV start having glitches of their own.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Poodini Is Roodini Of The Year

Derrick "Poodini" Rose has been announced NBA Rookie Of The Year. I am very happy about this because after that game 1 win against the Celtics he deserved to win 5 Rookie Of The Year awards. On top of this, he is a really nice guy, calling every middle-aged female sideline reporter "missus" or "ma'am" (much to every cougar who still feels like she's young at heart).

Here is a snippet from his press conference today:

Two things will immediately leap out at you: 1) Wow, Derrick Rose IS a nice guy. You're right as always, Black and Blue Jor (of course I am). 2) Derrick Rose always speaks with absolutely no inflection in his voice whatsoever. His play and speaking voice make him simultaneously the most and least marketable guy out there right now.

Can you imagine him pitching a McDonalds burger with that monotone drawl?


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

NBA Brass "Reviewing" Dampier Comments WhileTrying Not To Laugh

Dallas Mavericks center Erica Dampier guaranteed to reporters to put French rap sensation, Tony Parker, "on his back" in the next game Thursday night, presumably to do one of two things: intimidate the Spurs guard...or make sweet love to him. For those not familiar Dampier- the beast man known as carnage and brutality personified- he successfully used this same tactic on Dwyane Wade during the 2006 NBA Finals, limiting the Heat guard to the highest PER in a finals series since the NBA-ABA merger.

When asked to comment, NBA spokesman Tim Frank repeatedly rolled his eyes and said between snickering that the league was "looking into it." When pressed to elaborate on who exactly was going to speak with Dampier, Frank responded "Ummm, I dunno....a security corps comprised of ninjas, vikings, and Chewbacca that's who." He then broke into unstoppable laughter and walked away holding his sides.

No word yet if any other disciplinary action was taken against Dampier.

(Oh yeah, I've got a computer again! Glad to be back!)

America Curses Under Its Breath Over Boston's Narrow Victory Over The Bulls, All ESPN Analysts Orgasm Collectively

After a pair of threes by Ben Gordon, the Bulls looked like they were on their way to win number 2 in Boston. Then Ray Allen looked at the collective NBA fandom rooting against the Celtics in this year's playoffs and did this to them:

With Allen's three with two seconds left, the Bulls only had one option: Advance the ball with a quick timeout and take a well-thought-out shot. Oops, I mistyped. I meant to write that Vinny Del Negro uses up timeouts like Michael Jackson uses up Gi Joes-on-a-string and nets, so the Bulls were forced for the second straight game to chuck the ball downcourt. This was pretty deflating to watch, and KG's bizarre pursed-lip celebration only made it worse.

I don't know the exact moment that I started rooting against the Celts this year, but I am quite positive it started as a result of the massive amount of hype ESPN panelists have put on them this season. When someone hears, "Oh they're UNSTOPPABLE! The BIG THREE will cruise to another championship! I want to have BIG BABY'S CHILDREN" enough times, it just makes you hate a team. Now that the Celtics lost KG and Leon Powe for the playoffs, the sports foos are making the Celtics (A team deep and talented enough that it got Mikki Moore and Stephon Marbury for peanuts in exchange for the chance to win a championship) into some sort of "underdog". Balderdash, I say. They're also now all over Kobe and the Lakers' junk, making any analysis of that team equally tough to listen to. Screw AFLAC, my new motto that I am going to bark out for these playoffs is "ABTLAC" (Anybody But The Lakers And Celtics).

As if in response to my anti-purple and green rant, my sportsticker just let me know that the Cavs went up by 22 on the Pistons. Save us,'re our only hope.

Monday, April 20, 2009

It's Playoff MADNESS!!!!!!

Blahblahblah Lakers blahblahblah Nuggets blahblah Cavs blah blah. We knew how many of the games involving the teams would end this week, so let's just gloss over those and say it was nice to see those teams play. Two of the games this past weekend were incredible and completely blew my socks off: The Bulls overtime win against the Celtics, and the Sixers last second comeback against the Magic.

Let's start with the Celtics game. Watching Derrick "Poodini" Rose was like watching a beautiful flower blossom if said flower was a Memphis graduate with a weird wizard tattoo. Rose was slashing and dashing all over the place, while the Celtics managed the game slow and steady with their talent. In the first game, it was heart versus talent and heart won (much to the delight of that useless chick from Captain Planet). You take one look at Joakim Noah and Tyrus Thomas and...yeah, heart won this game.

Speaking of Tyrus Thomas, WHERE the hell did he come from at the end of that game? He was hitting clutch jumpshots all over the place, and you could see the life slowly draining from Vinny Del Negro's face each time he put a shot up. The fact that his shots went in at all was proof that there actually is a wizard named Poodini somewhere altering the fate our planet, and he is a Bulls fan.

For me, the games this weekend went from pure elation in the Bulls win to tragic, smash-your-head-against-a-wall defeat with the Magic. I watched as Orlando's 18 point lead flew through their legs like Bill Buckner...and knew they would lose the game. That's right, I knew wayyyy ahead of time that this one was lost. Why? Because the number one rule of being a Magic fan is knowing which games you just need to toss Hedo Turkoglu's ass on the bench. You know from the first 10 minutes whether he will hit most of the shots he takes in a game or miss every single one. He didn't make a shot UNTIL THE END OF THE FOURTH QUARTER, which would send off warning bells that it was time to yank him and call in the many other reserves. Such was not the case, and as Hedo was passed the ball for the final shot with 2 seconds left, I actually looked up at the ceiling of my apartment and asked, "Why? Why did they have him in the game in this juncture." I didn't even have to look back down to know the Sixers had won and Hedo Turkoglu had not even hit the rim (the ball bounced off of the backboard with a sick thud that echoed the thud in my stomach).

Ugh, enough ranting. For every victory, there is a defeat, and in the mirror of life there is most like some other amazingly handsome, muscular writer posting about how happy he was that the Sixers won and pissed that the Celtics lost. That's just the way it is, methinks.

Stay tuned for more daily playoff coverage as the week progresses. I'll need an outlet for the Turkoglu hate.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Me Likey Blocks's "block of the night" segment is quickly becoming one of my favorite things ever and I strongly suggest you all check it out. Since the dunk and the three-point shot have both become somewhat ordinary, a monster blocked shot is the one play that will still lift people out of their seats and shake their booties. It is the streetball equivalent of sleeping with someone's wife.

To see the sheer force and excitement in a good block, here is a choice selection from Solomon Jones of the Hawks the other night:

After getting your shot blocked that badly, there is really not very much you can do except change your name, get a new set of friends, and move to a remote location somewhere near the island on Lost. The shame would just be too much.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Iverson Shows Barkley What Gambling Problems Should Look Like

Today a report came out that Allen Iverson has been banned from not one, but two Detroit-area casinos. This was followed by most of America saying the same thing: "Detroit has casinos?"

This news continues the month-long rain of crap upon the head of Allen Iverson. His team doesn't even want him in their games, and now his casinos don't even want to take his money. As with Barry Bonds and Pete Rose, when age catches up with you in sports, and you happen to be a jackass, the ride out of the spotlight is a really painful one. You just know Terrell Owens will experience a record number of people hating him when his legs wear down and he is spit out of Buffalo in two years. It's rough when the one thing that kept the douchiness in check (freakish athletic ability) is gone and karma is free to run rampant in the form of a cranky Bob Ryan yelling at the screen, "Get the bum off my TV screen!".

On a side note, I bumped into a drunk Bob Ryan on Bourbon Street in New Orleans when I was younger, and it only added to how much of how trippy drinking in Louisiana is. Bob Ryan had that creepy white moustache back then (shivers remembering it).
Oh, I should mention that Iverson apparently got banned from the casinos for "being a bad loser". This includes throwing cards in the face of the dealer when he lost. One can only hope that all of this bad press someday inspires a little kid to throw his basketball trading cards in the face of Iverson for how he depreciated their value with his antics. That would be karmic GOLD!

Monday, April 13, 2009

David Stern Reminds The NFL Sports Are Supposed To Be Fun

While it is a sport I absolutely love, I have been increasingly annoyed at the NFL with its "no celebration" rules. It's getting to the point where ANY touchdown celebration is getting a flag, and players are scared to do anything. Santonio Holmes made one of the best plays in super bowl history, and you still had idiotic sports writers yelling that he didn't get a penalty for holding the football while he did a little dance (they argued that it was a prop).

Contrast that with this:

If that video seems excessive and very, very entertaining, that is because David Stern has come out and said that he welcomes celebrations. This is news to me, since I've seen Davey-boy fine Richard Jefferson and others for very small post-dunk celebrations. The economy and attendance shortages seem to be forcing the NBA to resort to appeasing the groundlings (thank goodness).

In addition to encouraging more Cavs goodness, this means more of one of my favorite celebrations: The Ron Artest Beast celebration. This is captured perfectly in NBA 2k9:

Note: I do this celebration after I win at checkers. I also drink a pair of beer cans, smash them together, throw them at the child or relative I am playing against and give the two-finger salute like Stone Cold Steve Austin. You DON'T come to my black and red checkered house without a whoopin'.

Thursday, April 9, 2009


I don't write about the Denver Nuggets nearly enough. Whenever I do write about them, I find myself having fun (evidenced by one of my favorite videos ever).

-The team is led by George Karl, who might be completely crazy.

-They are having one of its best seasons ever despite having a starting lineup that should be nicknamed "The Outsiders" for how little respect they get.

-Rocky, the mascot-type thing pictured above, is a completely under-appreciated gangsta (his wikipedia page...yes he has one...states "Rocky once made his patented backwards half court shot in 9 consecutive games.")

-They are named after a popular McDonalds happy meal food.

Toss all of these things into a cauldron, stir, and you have a great team to root for.

The only thing that could make it better is if they had a crazy, heroin-addicted big man who was the laughingstock of the 2005 slam dunk contest and somehow has come back despite all that to be a solid player in the NBA...


Chris Andersen, or "Birdman"/"Birdzilla", is a fantastic player to watch because you can cheer for him and laugh at his antics all in one sitting. The play above elicited this reaction from me:

"WHOA! THAT WAS AMAZING! Who was that? BIRDMAN?! Hahahaha! I love that guy."

I went from shock, to awe, to confusion, to surprise, to amusement, to admiration...all in 10 seconds. It takes a special player on a special team to do that to a guy. Chris Andersen and the Denver Nuggets, I salute you.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Yesterday Was Pretty Awesome

Yesterday the weather completely sucked, I had to wait a whole 24 hours for the Wednesday night Lost episode, and I had an exhausting day at work...and it still rocked.  Why?  The NBA games, especially how a few of them finished yesterday, were incredible.

Take a look at the top 10 plays from yesterday and you'll see some of the many plays that had me jumping up out of my seat.  Especially plays #2 and #1:

Good golly Miss Molly.  If I were Rasual Butler, I would have just retired right after that shot.  It's all downhill after that.

Ugh, this post was pretty mushy with all the NBA love, and I have to say that in retrospect I honestly hated reading it.  But alas!  Every so often even the most Grinchy of writers has a soft day.  I promise to be back to my pissy, sarcastic, laugh-at-the-ugly-cheerleaders self tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

These Celtics Take Themselves Seriously

I've posted a lot of team hijinks on this site, and somehow the Celtics keep popping up as one of the silliest championship teams in history. Here is Eddie House and the rookies impersonating Ray Allen and singing various tunes:

Tune in next week for the Celtics dance-off and nude slip-n-slide with Glen "Big Baby" Davis!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Goodnight, Spurs!

Today the Spurs came out and said Manu Ginobili is officially done for the season. Anyone with any knowledge of the Spurs, which are essentially a three-headed monster (Duncan, Ginobili, and Parker), knows this means their hopes of winning a title this season are toast. -Or at least as good as Michigan State's chances of winning the championship this year (too soon? The game has been only going on for a while now and already it's ugly).

This leaves only a few teams with legit chances of winning an NBA title this season:


I know, putting the Nuggets on there is not a popular pick, but they might be able to sneak in the championship game if the Lakers stumble somehow (although I doubt it).

With this in mind, look for an emphasis on the Eastern conference playoff games on television come playoff time. It's a little too obvious the Lakers will steamroll their way to the finals this season against the rest of the West, but with an unproven Cavs roster, a gimpy Garnett-led Celtics team, and a depth-less Magic squad, the East appears wide open. I look for the Hawks to actually scare a few people with a strong first round against the Heat.

Anyhow, enough about the future. I ain't no tarot card reader, dag nabbit! Here are some Ginobili highlights from last year to remind you Spurs fans what you'll be missing:

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Checking Out The Latest Leon Powe Twitter? FRAUD I SAY!

For those of you hoping to catch up on the latest hot Leon Powe-related action via Twitter, I have some news for you: Leon Powe has no idea how to use for the (according to accounts) 300 or so of you subscribed to his Twitter feed, you've been had.

For good measure, Powe added:

“I don’t even mess with the computers like that. If I did, it would be cool, but nobody has come to me and talked to me about anything like that,” he said, adding, “I think being an athlete, it could be a positive but sometimes it could be a negative, too. Being an athlete, you’re always out there and people are always going to find stories and find what you did eight years ago. So it’s basically the same thing.”

This begs the obvious question: Who in the heck are these people subscribing to Twitter feeds from Leon Powe? Are they friends? High class prostitutes (Hey there, Sham-wow guy!)? Maybe just really misinformed fans of Edgar Allen Poe.  I have no idea, but I'm going to spend the rest of my night Twittering as Emmanuel Lewis as a result.  Yay for identity theft!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Greg Oden Is Pretty Crappy At Basketball

April Fools.

Goodness gracious. How anyone could make that shot and NOT win a car is beyond me.

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