Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Hot Cheerleader Wednesday - Lilly Robbins, Miami Dolphins

I still remember the first time I saw Lilly Robbins in an issue of Maxim. I had just come back inside from a long day of chopping wood, saving woodland creatures, and planting trees (for future chopping down). As I sifted through my enormous pile of fan mail, I came across the magazine with her image and stared at it for a solid 5 seconds before my heaving, muscled forearms disintegrated the pages.

It was a good day.

Update: Just in case you didn't love life enough...

HOLY SH**!!!!

This mascot has a death wish.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Having A Rough Day? Watch This

Sure to make you feel happier

Saturday, April 24, 2010


I watched Berman flip out during the draft and laughed hysterically, making my wife watch it no less than 3 times. The wonder of Youtube has captured this moment. Enjoy!

Friday, April 23, 2010


Two egos, one TV screen. Ready? FIGHT!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

An Insider's Look At The Raiders and Browns' Draft Boards

Since there has been, from what I can tell, an embarrassing lack of NFL draft coverage on TV, we here have graciously decided to make this your home for all things football. The average person is 62% water. We are unquestionably made of 100% smash-mouth, stopwatch toting, HGH injected football. To prove it, we did our best Mission Impossible impression to infiltrate the complexes of the Raiders and Browns to bring you a look at their top secret draft boards.

1. "Captain" Oliver Blackrock - What Al Davis and the Raiders have been lacking since 1960 has been a flesh and blood pirate that can play in a run and shoot offense and can sack the quaterback['s hometown]. In Blackrock, the Raiders believe they will have both. Strength: Paid in doubloons. Weakness: Peg leg.

2. Jimmy Wheeler - Last year's pick of Darrius Heyward-Bey demonstrates how much Oakland values speed. Wheeler is high on their board after a strong season as a paraplegic wheelchair sprinter. Oakland brass believe that his blazing speed outweighs concerns about rough turf, jump balls and flats. Strength: Baseball cards in the spokes. Weakness: I feel bad after writing this...

3. General Tso - This cousin of Yao Ming is a raw special teams player that Al Davis hopes slips to them in the 3rd or 4th round. Although probably better suited for basketball or reaching for that dish on the top shelf, Davis thinks that his 7'6" wingspan will help with blocking kicks and could possibly make him the only person alive to make Jamarcus Russell look accurate. Strength: Sweet and spicy. Weakness: You get hungry again an hour later.

1. Gerald "Dumpy" McCoy - This 339 lbs monster nose tackle gives both offensive lineman and the team laundry guy nightmares. Doctors have been unable to properly treat his rare form of irritable bowel syndrome, resulting in McCoy having to miss every other defensive series to change his pants. Strength: Can fart the alphabet. Weakness: No one wants to be his roommate during camp.

2. Dakota Canis - Dakota is the Dawg Pound's dream. He's a 330 pound English Mastiff that is impossible to move, but has trouble trying ignore stray cats in the stadiums, opposing coaches with treats, and chasing the ball. Strength: What a good boy he is! He's a very good boy! Weakness: Pees on the rug.

3. Craig "Glasshead" Heyward - This running back prospect is the nephew of the famed Saint, "Ironhead" Heyward. Like his uncle, he's got nimble feet but looks to plow over any would-be defenders. Unlike his uncle, he's prone to concussions. A lot of concussions. Seriously, he's already forgotten math. Strength: Does a good impression of that Zest commercial. Weakness: Forgets plays...and how to eat.

4. Reverend Brother Cyrus Luther Solomon - Mike Holmgren would prefer that no one know of his super sleeper pick, but you can't fool us. The good reverend is considered the best athlete on the offensive side of the ball, but because of his religion he cannot play on Sundays. Oh, but watch out when/if Cleveland makes it onto MNF! Strength: On his deathbed, he'll receive total consciousness. So he's got that goin' for him, which is nice. Weakness: Leaves activator residue everywhere.

2010 NFL Mock Draft! Tebow-less, As It Should Be!

There are few things in this world that I love more than the NFL draft. -Perhaps Buffalo Wings, Landshark beer, and watching drunk New Yorkers make fools of themselves would be the only things to top it.

Wait a second...those three things are ALL things I can enjoy DURING the NFL Draft!

Toss in the fact that the draft is an event that is virtually all glitz and no substance, Mel Kiper is talking passionately about how well another guys' hips swivel, and Al Davis' mental deficiencies are showcased for the world and you have me hooked.

Last year I spent the event at the ESPNZone in Times Square and I remember it all as a haze beer, wings, Jets fans cheering for the Mark Sanchez selection, and everyone wondering exactly how Darrius Heyward-Bey went 5th overall. It was such a magical day that my aim this year is to recreate that day in every way possible, minus the undying Ted Ginn talk (he is off the Dolphins roster, my soul can now ascend to heaven).

Anyhoo, what would a good NFL draft be without a mock to go along with it? After the draft I'll be sure to post grades for how the teams did and how many correct picks I get right (hint: I will be happy with 1 correct). Away we go:

1) Rams - Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma
Comment: Least surprising pick of the draft. Rams get their nerdy-looking QB of the future. I will go on record as saying this skinny kid will "turbo suck" in the NFL. Somewhere QB Jake Locker is counting all of the invisible #1 pick money he would have gotten had he not stayed in college.

2) Lions - NDamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska
Comment: Amazing Pick for the Lions. In a perfect world, Suh would have been a #1 pick in this draft. Unfortunately, the world is a cold, dark place where people like Jamarcus Russell are picked this high. Somewhere Jamarcus is not exercising as I write this.

3) Bucs - Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma
Comment: First moron on ESPN who calls this guy "The Real McCoy" will set the world record for eye rolls in a single televised event. Safe money is on Berman.

4) Redskins - Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State
Comment: Safe, smart pick for the Redskins, a team that has been long averse to safe, smart picks. If there is any chance that Okung will play against Suh in a game this upcoming season, I will manufacture "Kong vs. Kung" t-shirts and make millions.

5) "Chefs" (Great Goggley Moggley) - Brian Bulaga, OT, Iowa
Comment: Which fat man has more girth within the organization, Crennel or Weis? I will go Weis and gamble that they will spend this pick to surround their pretty boy QB with help.

6) Seahawks - Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma
Comment: Hey NFL, you know what the worst possible thing is to happen to you with your pretty, new Thursday-Saturday draft schedule? That's right, a draft of ALMOST ALL OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE TACKLES IN THE TOP 10 PICKS! Suck on that, Goodell.

7) Cleveland - Eric Berry, DB, Tennessee
Comment: The player every team drafting in the teens hoped would drop gets scooped up here. Berman is almost certain to annoy with a name pun here. I can only pray the pun involves a reference to Mangini's love of Berries (note: Mangini is approximately 450 pounds these days).

8) Raiders - Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame
Comment: As previously mentioned, Crypt-keeper Al Davis is certifiably insane and it has become the best part of the draft to see who his team will pick. Everyone has a wildcard name out there, and mine is Jimmy Clausen.

9) Bills - CJ Spiller, RB, Clemson
Comment: The Bills need fans, and need something pretty and shiny to keep the team from going up to Canada. If Tebow were anything close to a QB, he would be the pick, but they have to settle for Reggie Bush version 2.0.

10) Jaguars - Derrick Morgan, DE/OLB, Georgia Tech
Comment: The speed of the Jags' pass rush unit last year resembled the Golden Girls, so look for them to get the safest, most proven rusher in this draft.

11) Broncos - Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama
Comment: The Broncos have been mocked with this guy since the week before the Super Bowl. The mighty Nick Satan somehow swindles another team into making one of his flawed players a top 15 pick.

12) Dolphins - Earl Thomas, S, Texas
Comment: The Dolphins will try to trade down like no team has ever tried to trade down before. If they are unsuccessful, they will look to fill huge needs at OLB, S, and NT. With Morgan off the board, Thomas appears to represent the only clear cut top 15 talent at this spot. He also fits the team's growing "we like skill position players with dreadlocks" draft strategy.

13) 49ers - Joe Haden, CB, Florida
Comment: The Niners have an abysmal secondary and would be overjoyed if Haden lasted until their lucky number 13 pick. This is such a good pick for them, roughly 107% of all mocks have Haden to the Niners at this spot.

14) Seahawks - Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State
Comment: Following a rather blah first pick, Pete Carroll will look for something to dazzle and excite Seahawks fans. He can't run Bryant's name up to the podium quick enough after Seahawks fans missed out on Brandon Marshall.

15) Giants - Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers
Comment: Giants fans love nothing more than a flashy pick. -Scratch that. Giants fans love nothing more than a draft pick from Rutgers. There will be many happy faces in NJ/NYC on draft day.

16) Titans - Brandon Graham, DE/OLB, Michigan
Comment: Every fan's favorite OLB prospect in this draft, it is finally Jeff Fischer's moustache that pulls the trigger on this. I would love if there is a twin Jeff Fischer without a mustache living somewhere. -The "good" Jeff Fischer.

17) 49ers - Taylor Mays, S, USC
Comment: A surprisingly high pick here for Mays, who has been getting bashed lately despite a combine that anyone would kill for. Singletary likes athletic, and Mays fits that bill. Singletary also likes showing people his bare ass, so a bare ass could be drafted here.

18) Steelers - Maurkice Pouncey, C, Florida
Comment: The Steelers have been vocal about being in love with this guy, and something tells me they wouldn't look kindly upon lying. They want to seem as squeaky clean as possible lately.

19) Falcons - Jason Pierre Paul, DE/OLB, USF
Comment: Ever since I saw JPP, I saw him in Falcons uniform. I don't know what it is. Maybe I have been sent from the future to tell you all this. I do know they'd like pass rush help, so that only solidifies it.

20) Texans - Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State
Comment: Houston needs a RB after Steve Slaton killed them...and my fantasy football team...last year. Screw you, Slaton.

21) Bengals - Sergio Kindle, OLB/DE, Texas
Comment: The Bengals are a bit of a wild card in this year's draft in that there are a bunch of spots they could use help, including the WR spot. I look for them to stick with the orange and call Kindle's name.

22) Patriots - Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma
Comment: It's unfathomable that Oklahoma was such a bad team last year with all of the first round talent on their squad. Gresham definitely fits the bill for that, and Tom Brady gets one more person to throw to while he waits for jackass Wes Welker to nurse his boo boo.

23) Packers - Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State
Comment: Wilson is flying up draft boards and some are saying he is the best CB in this draft. I have to agree that his skills are intriguing, and would make an already terrifying Packers D that much more terrifying-er.

24) Eagles - Sean Weatherspoon, OLB/DE, Mizzou
Comment: The Eagles are eager to add some firepower on D and Weatherspoon is the perfect fit for them. Mark my words, I WILL sing "Spoonman" by Soundgarden at full volume when he is picked, whether my friends like it or not.

25) Ravens - Dan Williams, NT, Tennessee
Comment: Trevor Pryce is 35, and the Ravens would be amazed to find Williams here this late. If he is swept up beforehand, I think Odrick is the pick. Either way, I think they'll be less inclined to go WR than all these other mock drafts seem to think.

26) Cardinals - Patrick Robinson, CB, Florida State
Comment: If the Cardinals go anything but defense here, they are complete morons. They allowed about 1 million points in the playoffs last year and lost two of their best players in Dansby and Rolle. This helps calm the sobbing from their D coordinator.

27) Cowboys - Mike Iupati, G, Idaho
Comment: Drunk Jerry Jones will be amazed to see the #1 guard in the draft last until the 27th pick. Look for this to be the Dolphins pick if they trade down with the Cowboys, as some are speculating. Either way, I see Iupati going at this later-than-expected spot.

28) Chargers - Jared Odrick, NT, Penn State
Comment: The Chargers, having seen both RBs gone already, go NT here with the best option left on the board. I think Odrick is a highly undervalued player, and will eventually be better than Dan Williams. Chargers get a find here.

29) Jets - Jerry Hughes, OLB/DE, Texas Christian
Comment: The Jets winding up with such a good pass rusher this the words of Bill O'Reilly during his rant on Inside Edition, "This thing Suckkkssssssss". Bravo, fat man. Bravo.

30) Vikings - Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers
Comment: Cedric Griffen, the team's stellar defensive back, tore his ACL badly in the playoffs last year and Antoine Winfield is 33. You don't just hope that the player bounces back from age and injury. Look for a CB here.

31) Colts - Charles Brown, OT, USC
Comment: Somehow, SOMEHOW, the Colts always make these super late picks count. They'd be wise never to have an early pick in a draft again. Here they find a fantastic tackle that will help anchor Manning's front line for years. Insane.

32) Saints - Terrence Cody, NT, Alabama
Comment: The Saints are said to be in the market for a nose tackle, and fatso was the one of the best options until he actually got weighed. A boom-or-bust pick for the Saints, but nevertheless one that will be really, really fun to make fun of.

That's it! Phew that took forever. I need a shower.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Scott Stapp Begins His Long, Long, Long Journey Back to the Top with "Marlins Will Soar"

This took me about an hour to post because I was laughing so hard imagining this being played for the tens of Marlins fans in the stands wearing ponchos during a rain delayed game against the Nationals.

And why are the Marlins soaring? Isn't the marlin a fish? Here's the Miami local sports station's Marlins-specific version.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Brandon Marshall To Miami

Brandon Marshall has been traded to my Miami Dolphins. This makes my soul smile. -Not because he is going to break up the boring that is this Miami team, but also because we can be treated to more videos like this:

Now it that's not explosive, I don't know what is. Congrats fellow Dolphins fans! We'll be in the news more than once a year now!

Friday, April 9, 2010

Old Spice Commercials Suddenly Rule All

Following the "I'm on a horse" guy, Old Spice appears to have read somewhere that I loved the Terry Tate and Craig "Ironhead" Heyward ads and created some sort of perfect blend of the two. I've never felt like I had an ad campaign designed specifically for me. It's got randomness, it's got angry athlete types, it's got talking body parts. I hate giving free shoutouts to advertisers, but seriously, I have never been so proud to be an Old Spice wearer.


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