Thursday, January 31, 2008

R.I.P. Shaq Shoe

The NBA All-Star reserves were announced today, which inevitably lead to numerous rants about who got snubbed and how "the NBA never gets it right." Some good points were made, like the exclusions of Baron Davis, Manu Ginobili, and Marcus Camby, but I'm certainly disapointed to not see one VERY important name on anyone's list: Shaquille O'Neal.

Shaq's sub-par performance this season certainly doesn't earn him a spot on this year's Eastern squad, which sadly likely spells the end of the...(sob)... Shaq Shoe.

What good is an All-Star Weekend without Shaq? He's brought spontaneous break dancing competitions, crazy suits, center-lead fast breaks, free-throw dunk attempts, synchronized player introductions and other such shenanigans that brings us back year after year and keeps us glued to the set in anticipation. Who do we turn to now for excitement? David West?

Considering that this year's All-Star Game is in New Orleans, I have been trying to guess what kind of shoe Shaq would debut. Would it mix Pat O'Briens hurricanes, strip off its top, toss beads, or projectile vomit? Damn you, Eastern Conference coaches! We'll never find out now!

Charlotte's Touring Circus Adds Another Act

I ask you this as one human being to another: How can you NOT like the Charlotte Bobcats?

They are such a ridiculous team that they almost lack believability. They resemble that football team on ESPN's short lived tv show "Playmakers" that was a overtly fake group of stereotypes whose sole purpose was to expose the seedy underbelly of sports. That playmakers team that had the over-the-top drug addict, the sex-addict womanizer, the gay guy afraid to come out, the guy cheating with HGH and steroids, the guy with severe mental know, the average team you play with on your YMCA rec league team.

Well, the Bobcats are that unbelievable, but in real life. Their colors are primarily highway worker neon orange. Their mascot looks like those waving cats you find in the windows of Chinatown shops. They have Michael Jordan as a GM despite him making a complete joke of his previous franchise (the Wizards). Their team was ultimately named "the Bobcats" after a nickname owner Bob L. Johnson had. If you had told me any of these things would be possible before they were established in 2004, I would smacked you and called you a liar shortly after I was done giggling.

Where am I going with all of this? Today the Bobcats announced the signing of Lilliputian Earl Boykins. Instead of wondering why Charlotte would sign a 5 foot 5 guard who is 31 years old, hasn't played all year, and seemed disgruntled enough to opt out of his last deal with no direction in place, I simply smiled and said, "Of course the Bobcats got him." THAT'S WHY I LOVE THE BOBCATS.

You see, dear reader, the Bobcats already had this incredible string of oddball characters on their "Playmakers"-esque roster:

-Adam Morrison, a Steve Prefontaine-lookalike who is all elbows, cries in huge games (see our logo for reference), and "always eats steak and baked potatoes 2 hours and 15 minutes before a game".

-Jeff McInnis, a player who was told by the Nets during the 2006 playoffs that he was such a nutjob that they were better off without him and paid him to be inactive.

-Nazr Mohammed, a guy who not only is the butt of numerous jokes amongst my friends for his penchant for 8 rapid-fire pump fakes before each shot, but also somehow got this far in life despite having a name that is pronounced "Nazi".

-Derek Anderson, not as much a man as a god. Derek Anderson (pictured right) is known throughout the fantasy basketball community as the guy who somehow puts up insane numbers in random spot duty. It is a rare occurance, like seeing a unicorn, but it happens at least once a year. He used to do it all the time, but the achilles heel of this lord of the layup turned out to be when teeth injuries made him miss several games one season (no joke). He was never the same since, and as a result his only known weakness is his teeth.

Raymond Felton, whose profile photo proves that ODB is still alive, he just shaves now:

Shimmy shimmy yaw shimmy yam shimmy yay!

Matt Carroll, a guy whose profile photo looks like every single tennis-playing douche villain in 80s movies.

I could go on and on, discussing Mr. Eyebrows Okafor, the Stay-Puff Sean May-Mello Man, and amazingly funny former club members such as Fabio, but then we would be here all night and I know you need a good night's sleep. Just take it from me, the next time this travelling circus comes to town, I will be right up front to get my ticket and "SEE THE AMAZING 5 FOOT 5 MAN!"

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Threesome Fun: Hey, Hey, Hey...It's Deeeeevin Harris!

When I think of a post title, I try my best to throw integrity out of the window and drum up site traffic. Presto!

What I am referring to in the title is the proposed three-team deal between the Nets, Mavs, and Blazers that is the talk of the rumor mill. The deal would net the...Nets...Jerry Stackhouse, Devean George, Travis Outlaw, Jarrett Jack, Channing Frye, cash and first round pick. The Mavs would get Jason Kidd, Malik Allen, and Jamaal Magliore. Not much has been said about who the Blazers would get other than Devin Harris.

My first impression as I look at the whole thing? What is in it for the Blazers? Obviously the Nets suck ass and just want to scrap their whole operation. Obviously the Mavs feel like they need to make a big move to spark themselves to the top of the pecking order in the west. Both of those teams are getting major help in those areas. -But why do the Blazers, a team that has enjoyed much success this season and appear to be gelling wonderfully, want to give away the best of their bench depth and possibly a first rounder for Harris?

Our bud Henry at True Hoop has numerous reasons for this, going in depth as to how Harris could actually be a great fit for them. He makes a convincing argument, but I have another reason altogether:

Blazers GM Kevin Pritchard likes the show Fat Albert.

I have long been under the impression that Devin Harris is actually the living embodiment of the character "Bucky" from the 80s tv show Fat Albert. See for yourself:

I even yelled it out the moment the Wizards drafted him in 2004 (marking only the second time I have yelled during an NBA draft, the other time being me screaming and falling to my knees in pain when my Magic drafted overrated collar popper and fohawk spokesmodel JJ Redick). I envision the Wizards GM Ernie Grunfeld looking at photos of Devin Harris and Josh Childress side to side and saying, "Who do I trust to help my team more...Bucky or Weird Harold? Hmmm...Whatever, let's just draft someone and ship them off for Antawn Jamison."

This brings to mind the obvious question: If Devin Harris is Bucky, Weird Harold is Josh Childress, who would be the other people in the gang? Tyronne Lue is OBVIOUSLY Mushmouth, but beyond that I'll leave it up to you folks.

Return of the Meerkat, Who Cares?

Daniel Plainview certainly doesn't, he's way too busy drilling for oil. And last time I checked, neither does anyone else, but Jameer Nelson is set to make his return for the Magic tonight against Miami.

From Brian Schmitz of the Orlando Sentinel:

Nelson has missed the past five games after straining a tendon in his right foot.
He practiced Tuesday at RDV Sportsplex and said afterward his playing status would be determined "how it feels tomorrow morning.
"That will determined whether I've given it enough rest. But we're going to try Wednesday."
Nelson said the foot has been bothering him for a while and he re-aggravated the injury Jan. 16 in Charlotte, N.C. when the Magic played against the Bobcats. He has not played since then.
Carlos Arroyo has started in Nelson's place --- and the Magic have gone 4-1 with Arroyo as the starting point guard.

Now maybe it's just me, but I can't stand Jameer Nelson. It's not personal, and it's not like he's that bad of a player, he's just not good enough. I understand he got his extension, so really he's not going anywhere anytime soon, but is this the guy that we're stuck with? Seriously? According to the Orlando Sentinel's Tim Povtak, maybe not...

The Orlando Magic missed the opportunity to grab Jason Williams at the start of his NBA career. They will have the chance to get him at the end.

Williams, 32, is the Miami Heat point guard who becomes a free agent this sum
mer, already telling friends that he would love to finish his career in Orlando, where he has made his home since leaving the University of Florida 10 years ago.

That's what the hell I'm talking about. Freaking White Chocolate. Flashy passes, ridiculous tattoos, and THE ABILITY TO RUN AN OFFENSIVE SET WITHOUT TURNING THE BALL OVER. And really, do we ask anything else of a point guard? If Cleveland can make it to the finals without one, we could kill it with J-Will! I mean this could possibly get done; Arroyo and Dooling's deals are up, and Otis Smith has made it clear that there is no validity to the rumors that Damon Stoudamire is an option, so why not!

Seriously though the guy's a vet, and he could bring some valuable experience to the table at the point guard position, something we haven't seen since Stevie Franchise was here. He's also a pretty competent basketball player who was quite good in his prime, and has shown that he can be quite good when he needs to be.

I'm starting my campaign now, please Otis, for the love of all things holy, bring this man in. Gortat needs a mentor, and I need to know that there is a possibility that I could possibly be in a position where I may be getting drinks with freaking Jason Williams and Marcin Gortat. I mean my wedding day was pretty good, but drinking with GORTAT?!?!?! I think I could die happy.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

We're Playing The Heat? Tell KG and Ray Ray To Take The Night Off

Some games you go into with the feeling that the game will be a tight, back and forth grudge match, where the best team will be decided with a shot at the buzzer.

Yeah, soooooo...this was not one of those games.

Tuesday night the Boston Celtics "played" the Miami Heat, a game that most people figured they knew the outcome of before it even began. To counteract this, Boston decided to at least make it HALFWAY interesting by telling a sick Ray Allen he had the night off and giving KG another night to recover from some strained abs. Surely Miami, with Wade, Haslem and Jason Williams, would be able to make it halfway interesting against a team featuring Brian Scalabrine and Tony Allen?

Not a chance. These days if you pitted Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Miami Heat jersey against a pile of dog shit in a Celtics Jersey, the dog excrement would kick him in the groin like that kid did in Kingergarten Cop.

The Celtics SPANKED the Heat by 30 points, even with Paul Pierce being held scoreless for much of the first half. Miami was owned by the likes of Leon Powe (25 points) , Rajon Rondo (23), Tony Allen (20), and Eddie House (20). The only guy who even seemed to make an effort on Miami was former Celtic Mark Blount, who had 20 points. I envision Blount using every opportunity between each of his game-high free throws to whisper, "Hey, so can I come back? You don't even have to pay me. Just get me the hell out of here."

I'd call this the low point in the Heat's season, but there's just SO much time left and SO much further to fall. This isn't going to be like the John Travolta E! True Hollywood Story, where the main character finds a revival in his career and things end peachy despite the dip in production. This is going to be more like the Leif Garrett Behind The Music, where the Miami Heat wind up crying to some old guy in a wheelchair, apologizing for getting in that car wreck that left him paralyzed. Who knows what the basketball equivalent of this is. My guess: Udonis Haslem found dead in his apartment with a nude Pat Riley shivering in the corner and mumbling something about, "It being the only way to get another ring."

I say next game just toss the Miami Heat dancers out there and at least give the fans something entertaining to watch.


The inevitable trade demand by Jason Kidd and waiving of Damon Stoudamire finally occurred yesterday. As has long been ranted by me, Kidd has watched his perennial finals team disintegrate into a mess involving numerous dropped no look passes and Vince Carter instinctively clutching his leg whenever he fucks up. Stoudamire has been playing behind Mike Conley and Kyle Lowry all year.

I personally beg the trigger happy Isiah Thomas this one thing: ignore this first piece of news, but reunite with your very first star pupil, Stoudamire.

Regardless of my man-crush on J Kidd, last season's brilliance ought to have been more widely reported and earnestly discussed. By all accounts the Nets should not have even made the playoffs, but Kidd on gimpy old-man knees willed them into not only a berth, but into the second round. Plans for the new stadium in Brooklyn have been pushed back, so although it may be hard to trade him now at his age, the team ought to just pack it in a bit and give the man what he's due.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Breaking News: Golden State To Regret This

Yes, boys and girls, Chris Webber is joining the Golden State Warriors.

The deal is for the veteran minimum, which may not sound like a high risk, but you have to remember that with NBA personalities there rarely is such a thing as a "low-risk acquisition". Keep in mind that Webber, a guy with shot knees, a diminishing shooting stroke, aged 34 years, who takes the occasional night off or three, had a huge enough ego that he had a list of requirements that a team had to fulfill before he deemed them worthy of his presence. I am not joking. They are as follows:

1) Play for a contender.

2) Play in a big market city.

3) Amongst a team of stars, still be guarenteed to play a certain amount of minutes every night (this held up his talks with the Lakers, Pistons, and Magic, who would have used him for sweat-mopping duty).

The cajones to demand such things while your knees are composed of the same substance that Han Solo was entombed in is madness. Why stop there? I say just keep demanding stuff, Chris!

4) Privelage to command team henchmen to carry out the immediate demise of anyone (fan or player) who mocks him with a timeout motion like the one he made in that NCAA championship game.

5) Once a month can take a dump in the mascot head before the person puts it on.

6) Force everyone in America to follow that clip of Tyra on her talk show yelling, "Kiss my fat ass!" with "...which Chris Webber tapped."

7) More commercials with Vlade.

On a related note, reasons number 1 through 100 why you might suspect your team is in the shitter? Your coach actually talking about Chris Webber like so:

"I'm afraid if we don't get him here [that] our team is not strong enough to be a playoff team," Nelson said. "That's my biggest fear. I think if he comes it can benefit our team, it can benefit his and my relationship, it can benefit players on this team."

Well, as much as I loved watching the Warriors with their amazing run last year, at least we can cross one contender off of the list a little earlier to focus on the others. I look forward to the future article "Golden State to America: " didn't exactly work out".

Gratuitous Turkoglu Post Number 2

Since my friend Jor so eloquently gave the Magic recap, I'll give you guys a little bit more, since I was at the game with my good friend and oft-site commenter Magic Man. The place really was bananas, and the game was highly entertaining; Hedo got an All Star chant, it was FANTASTIC! Ray Allen was ice cold from jumpstreet, which made it very surprising that he finished with 17. Rondo kept doing the same go to move, he would drive the lane, fake it up, and then try some turn around jumper, all while cementing the idea that Damon Stoudamire will soon have his job. Pierce was Pierce, pretty dominant. Quote from Magic Man,

"Looks like Pierce is nervous, he's saying Uh oh, this is a last year game. Me playing with 4 other random dudes again."

And that was exactly what it looked like. Pierce, Kendrick Perkins (trash), Ray Allen (Shuttlesworth), Rondo (Stripe), and Brian Scalabrine (Michael Rappaport). Altogether, they looked pretty bad, and with no Garnett, it was a pretty unfortunate position they were in. However, they almost found a way to win, and without the play of Hedo, chances are we wouldn't have made it out. But we did, and many Boston fans walked out with their heads down, traversing our fine city looking for a fight, because that's what they do, and not finding it, then going back to the Travelodge and waiting for their flight home so they can talk about the Patriots again. It was fairly awesome, although I've never seen more McHale jerseys in my life... Some sort of ok decent pics for you guys to peruse.

The Tip

Maurice Evans' Throwdown


Sunday, January 27, 2008

The Force Is With Hedo


ABC, actually making a correct decision for once (That show "Cavemen"...not such a good one), decided to drop the surefire blowout matchup of the Bulls vs. Suns in favor of the Magic-Celtics game on Sunday.

All I can say is this: whomever made that decision at ABC, give them a raise (or their job back if they were caught making love to their secretary).

The Celts hopped off to a large lead, then the Magic used the 3rd quarter to surge forward by 16 points, only to have the Celtics shoot to a 11-0 run and take the lead down the stretch. After the game went back and forth, Ray Allen made a three pointer to tie it with 14 seconds left...and then came this:

The best part of the video is Hubie Brown dismissing the play early with a "too late...too late". You can practically see him throwing his hands into the air, shaking his head at these cocky youngsters, and turning to see what old movie is on AMC.

Hubie obviously hasn't been following Hedo Turkoglu this season, who appears to have the ghost of Obi Wan Kenobi guiding his every move. Replays on the play above showed that not only was Paul Pierce fouling Hedo on the shot, but Hedo's body wasn't even completely facing the hoop. This is just the latest in a string of game winners for Mr. Turkey, who is having an All-Star year and has sucked all of the luck out of the universe.

Whomever is friends with Hedo, drop what you are doing, IMMEDIATELY take him to Vegas, and do whatever he says. Something tells me you will come out quite all right.

Friday, January 25, 2008

A Few Things Here And There

Mums the word for now, but we're looking into some interesting opportunities being presented to the site. THF might soon be on your radio airwaves, some magazine interviews are set up, and other pooptacular events are planned to help us fulfill our dream of one day acquiring Google.

As it stands, we're about 47 billion dollars short of that goal and about as many years off, but we've got our eye on acquiring you soon,!

For now, let's take a gander briefly at some news stories before we hop into our weekend stupor!

-Next time you need a designated driver and are lost in a black abyss that normal headlights cannot penetrate, call Hornets guard Morris Peterson. He continued the time-honored trend of NBA players spending their money wisely by buying a $142,000 car that comes equipped with night vision. On a related note, Paris Hilton sex tapes will now be filmed in front of cars apparently.

-Our logo member and father of the phrase "Howeva", Steven A. Smith, now apparently has his own blog. Just when you thought you couldn't get enough of his Kobe praise on all of the 48 ESPN television and radio channels, you now can read gems like this on his blog site:

And as usual, I've got several thoughts on my mind. One would be that Kobe is the league-MVP right now, hands down. It's so obvious, it isn't even worth discussing, although I'll have to tomorrow night on NBA Shootaround.

We're tingling with excitement.

-Partner site Deadspin took a page out of our field trip book by taking a trek to MSG. Unlike us, they actually got to shoot around on the floor and didn't get heckled by belligerant Nets fans, but we still consider their trip rather successful.

-The biggest news story of the day was Shaq telling everyone he refuses to retire. Cue groans from Miami Heat fans and Pat Riley finding another Van Gundy to clean up his mess.

That should be it for now, but we'll keep you updated on anything else. Weekends are short so start enjoying this one right......NOW!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

You've Got 10 More Days To Not Fuck This Up

Running and maintaining a website/blog/rant-o-rama like The Howeva Files is certainly a labor of love. Those who even glance at the site have noticed my affinity for three distinct things outside of the realm of basketball:
  1. Booze
  2. Las chicas
  3. Las chicas who like booze
It's hard to write a coherent sentence, much less an entire post,when you're double-fisting your drinks while a naturally stacked chick is straddling you.

But that's the beauty of my journey.

My vague point is this: I like basketball. Actually, we all do. We love it. That's why we're scared shitless at the moment. For the next 10 days, there is NOTHING going on in sports besides basketball. Don't kid yourselves fanatics, 2-week long super bowl coverage, tennis, steroids in baseball talk and hockey do not count.

So why are we scared that we are no longer distracted by anything else and are totally free to soak in as much NBA as we please? The looming shadows of football and baseball allow basketball to oftentimes float just below the radar of the average fan. From afar the average fan can feel good that they have something to watch between Tuesday and Saturday. Now briefly exposed to the unadulterated bright lights of the world, the pimples and scars of a sport constantly battling an image problem are on full display. Why did TJ Ford's injury not garner as much attention as it should have? It was on the eve of a rare Thursday night NFL game, so there was much pre-game analysis to get to. Analysis of an entire basketball game is considered to be simple division when compared to the calculus-like intricacies of Derek Jeter turning a double play or Matt Hasselbeck making the right read against a cloud coverage. (By the way this is exactly why Jaws is invaluable to the NFL's fanaticism and why Bill Walton is killing the NBA's).

Since this is a sport that does not compare to the other big time ones when it comes to hometown fanaticism and analytic breakdowns by Sean Salisbury, the NBA has relied upon it's stars and their up-front personalities. Now that these personalities don't have to share the stage for the next ten days, they're totally free to fuck up and wreck the good karma they've been building up so far.

That is why David Stern and all those as invested in the NBA must do the following:
  • Tie up Ron Artest to a steel girder in the bowels of Arco before he snaps again.
  • Cut off the tongue of Isiah Thomas before he can put "New York Knicks" and "championship" in the same sentence again.
  • Make sure Darius Miles is still rehabbing his knee at Baskin-Robbins.
  • Keep Jerry Sloan away from any gay pride parades.
  • Give Stephen Jackson his very own three-fingered dwarf to beat down.
  • Slip Scottie Pippen a 20.
  • Release the Will Ferrel's 'Semi-Pro' ASAP.
  • Have Chuck Norris follow JR Smith and savagely beat him whenever Smith reaches for the car keys.
  • Replace Nelly's post-game Bud with O'Douls.
  • Award the Heat 10 wins for being such good sports.
  • Suggest Kevin McHale go into a 2-week light-to-no coma.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I've Got A Fever, And The Only Prescription, Is More Jawai

What do you get when you cross Beatlemania with a pile of Koala droppings?

Nathan Jawai, a 21 year old Australian player who has NBA scouts using their frequent flier miles to go to the land down under in droves. Every year there is some crazy and kooky international player that takes the NBA by storm, be it Yao, Yi, Bargnani, Nowitzki, or Fettucini. This year the hype is starting to build around Jawai, a guy from Cairns, Australia.

I lived in Australia for about half a year and stayed in Cairns for a while. It is the equivalent of Miami times a bajillion, as it is a fairly built up area that happens to be surrounded by amazingly beautiful natural resources. I don't mean "Hey, we got the everglades and shit", I mean, "We have the great barrier reef, tropical rainforests, and a ton of tanned gorgeous nude people bathing in waterfalls"*

*This part might have existed only in my mind.

Despite the fact that he originally comes from an area around New Guinea, him playing in Cairns leads me to believe this Jawai guy probably is something of a surfer dude, as everyone I met in Northern Australia was either a beach bum or a rainforest guide (Those guys just sorta smelled like B.O. and always had short shorts. Hey moron, you're in the rainforest with a million bugs. How about some slacks?)

I also kept getting stung by jellyfish when I was surfing in Cairns, and was repeatedly told that it was the "good season" if I only got stung a few times. Apparently during the "bad season", there are so many jellyfish in the water that you face certain death if you go in the water. How delightful! Someone sign this guy to a multi-year deal now so we can see the NBA toss in stuff about jellyfish into their contracts!

So what makes this guy better than the rest of the international players out there? I have no idea, but it says he is 208 centimetres (they spelled it with an "re" adorable!) and he obviously means something if the Toronto Raptors are checking him out. The Raptors and Spurs seem to be the only teams who actually evaluate overseas talent correctly, so when they go somewhere I pay attention. I was one of the few people who actually paid attention when the Spurs drafted Tiago Splitter recently while the rest of America was talking about foos like Acie Law. Splitter was a top 10 pick option the year before, and the Spurs nabbed him on the last pick in the first round. It's like the Patriots getting a high first rounder in this upcoming NFL draft: you just have to look to the heavens and ask God to not make it so obvious who his/her/its favorite teams are.

For now, we will wait and see what happens, but whenever you finally hear the name Nathan Jawai get drafted remember where you heard his name first.

-And then give that source lots of money for the knowledge, preferably in crisp $100 bills.

The Name's Thomas...Isiah Thomas

Last night I saw Cloverfield.  As a New Yorker, I will say that it rocked my socks off and had me walking around Manhattan after the movie half expecting buildings to blow up and fall over. I'm not sure how it will play in rural areas like Montana, with people who have never even been to the city, but for anyone who has been here it's very, very much recommended. 

Okee dokey. After an intro in which I told America to see a movie about a monster attacking the city, the only thing that could be in any way more far-fetched would be a story about the New York Knicks.

Latest team news has Larry Brown accusing the team of having spies in the stands. Larry doesn't seem to go into greater detail than that, but he says that it happened during his tenure as Knicks coach. 

I may be alone here, but it's tough to imagine a busload of James Bonds sitting in the crowd (although it WOULD help explain who the hell is actually attending a Knicks game at this point). Also, what exactly would they be spying on? The TV cameras already show everything the coaches draw on their cute little clipboards, the coaches are miked, and when point guards call plays they do so in open sight of anyone in the crowd that cares to look. Adding to the confusion is the fact that the Knicks are no Patriots. Whomever they have employed as spies don't seem to be doing all that great a job.

This leads me to the conclusion that these spies were hired by Isiah Thomas in the same way roadies are hired by rock stars: to pick out hot chicks in the crowd and give them Isiah's number. There is no woman alive who could withstand the temptation of being told by someone, "See this team that is losing by 25? How would you like to meet and "get with" the mastermind behind it all?"

If you guys have a better explanation, I'd love to hear it.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

All Star Voting Makes Me Want to Punch Random People

You know what really grinds my gears? For the past couple of years, the NBA All Star voting has been a joke, and it's one of those things where people don't care all that much, so it just goes on like it is, not being changed, not being noticed. Well you know what? I say screw that. But since I have more important things to do (playing Rock Band) than marching on David Stern's home, so I'm gonna blog about it.

Have any of you seen the actual vote tabulations for the All Star squads yet? Of course you haven't. Well the fans think that the Houston Rockets are the Harlem Globetrotters of the West. Which is fine, because I love antics, and those Generals always took it in the shorts, and there's something very relieving about that, it means all is right in the world. Wait what do you mean staged exhibition games?!?!

Anyway, apparently besides Yao and T-Mac, which are sanctioned votes, because they're actually doing things like scoring points and getting rebounds, fundamental type stuff you know, unlike their other counterparts who are getting votes right now, Luis Scola and Shane Battier. Don't get me wrong, these guys are not bad players. Battier is a nice player, he's a glue guy, but he gets it done. I stand by drafting him every year in Fantasy Basketball, and he doesn't disappoint. Scola has done very well for himself also, through week 11 he's 5th in Rookie rankings and is a young Antonio Banderas. However, you mean to tell me that they're better than Kevin Durant or Josh Howard? Cause according to the votes, they are. Battier finished with 3779 less votes than Shawn Marion. Freaking Shawn Marion. That my friends, is too close for comfort. Now I don't want to be racist guy, I'll leave that to LSU fan (warning, that video has retard tigers in the wild), but if Yao wasn't a Rocket (and Chinese), this wouldn't be happening.

Now this is no surprise to any of us that actually know the NBA, but those who are sort of casual fans aren't aware of the effect that Yao has brought on a national scale, and the wave of Chinese fans that are voting based on Yao has sort of been the impetus that got this whole thing going.

That's just one example though. There are guys getting votes that have played very little basketball; Gilbert Arenas is 5th among Eastern Conference guards, and T.J. Ford is 10th, while his replacement Jose Calderon (11.8 PPG, 8.4 APG) is playing absolutely lights out basketball and are nowhere to be found. The Calderon thing infuriates me because those numbers are crazy, with turning the ball over 1.5 times a game, that boys and girls, is outstanding.

I have a few solutions for this redickulousness so please follow along, it's a blues riff in B, watch me for the changes, and try to keep up. I think that we need to go to a more specific positional voting system. Right now it's just guard/forward/center, which was fine from the 50's to the late 80's but there is a resounding number of combo guys in the league and that's making it pretty hard for people to get noticed at their position, and no one is being rewarded for being "a pure point guard/shooting guard/small forward/power forward", which is a dying breed (see Jose Calderon). Right now, Paul Pierce is 4th in Eastern Conference forwards, which seems odd to me personally; in my opinion the guy's not a forward. In that situation, if you specialize the positions and separate the voting, that puts Pierce second in the votes behind LeBron, which makes considerably more sense. Following that, guys like Hedo Turkoglu and Josh Smith, who are playing out of their minds right now get bumped up, and get noticed for their game.

Other than that, it would probably be a good idea to make the stat ranking rule that the NBA uses (guys have to play 85% of games in order to be ranked) follow suit for the All Star game. This way, you don't see Arenas and T.J. Ford getting voted for, and those guys are going to get replaced by reserve selections anyway, which get chosen by the head coaches in those respective conferences in the first place. So why even go through the motions of voting for those guys? It's a win win, the fans still get to vote, and it's fairer because injuries don't come into play.

With those options out there, the NBA gets their fan friendly image, and we get to see a better represented game, so everyone's happy. What do you guys think?

The Howeva Files? What Kind Of Blog IS This?!?

Rick Carlisle is now a convert to The Howeva Files, although he's not entirely in love with the name.
The Howeva Files? What kind of blog IS this?!?!?!

Considering our shared colorful histories with Ron Artest, it's a surprise no one threw a beer. We know this ball coach is without a team right now, so we're offering him the highly coveted combo position of rec league player/coach and designated driver. He's seriously considering the offer....

Monday, January 21, 2008

Last Second Shot Theme Night!

Apparently it was "last second shot" theme night in the NBA tonight. Three of the games ended in most dramatic fashion.

The Magic beat the Pistons on a last second jumper from "that overpaid guy" Rashard Lewis, snapping a 9 game losing streak against them. Both teams have been struggling lately, losing to teams like the Bobcats and Knicks, so something had to give. Coincidentally, both of these teams are also the ones competing in the "We don't want Webbe
r, you take him" sweepstakes.

On the other side of the luck coin, Al Harrington was unable to tip in a ball as time expired, costing the game for the Warriors. This was significant as it was against the Timberwolves, a team who appears to have their heart set on being as awful as possible this season. I could have swore I saw Kevin McHale in the stands frowning after the win and thinking, "Damn, I need that first overall draft pick so I can trade it to Boston!"

And finally, in Portland Travis Outlaw made a 20 foot jumper with 1 second left to propel the infant Blazers over the Atlanta Hawks. The Blazers are surprisingly deep on their team as the points, assists, and rebound leaders were of the unheralded variety: Travis Outlaw, Steve Blake, and Channing Frye. When Greg Oden comes back, this team will be the early years of the Spurs all over again (Cue high and squeaky-voiced Avery Johnson soundbyte).

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take some last second shots of my own (grabs a Jack Daniels bottle)...

Happy MLK Day!

No, I didn't leave the "I" out of "Milk". 

It's Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. day, and we would like to remember the man who helped shape our nation in countless positive ways. More than anything, I really admire the guy for his public speaking skills. One day I plan on talking as passionately as him and hoping it gets me somewhere (probably just thrown out of the deli during my "I have been to the salami mountaintop" speech).

On a crummy note, as Chris Rock pointed out in his standup routine, for some reason MLK's name is used on the worst street in every city in the nation. I'd like to change this. I say just change it so the nicest street is "MLK Boulevard" and the worst is "Carrot Top Place". City planners, get on this.

Thanks MLK for everything and all the best to everyone affected by this wonderful figure in our nation's history.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

The Joys Of Reporting On The NBA After A Weekend Of NFL Playoff Games

Let's face it, this past weekend was all about the NFL. I watched it, you watched it, and even yo momma watched it (I'd rather not go into detail about how I know this, but let's just say it involved a whistle and a ref uniform). The NBA only had one game yesterday, which involved the Nets getting slaughtered by the Suns, so even the NBA itself knew that there really wasn't much to talk about in its own league.

That leaves us with the sobering reality of today. What do you talk about when barely anything happened in the NBA? Do you lay down and give up? Do you take the day off and spend time with family? Do you defer to the NFL websites promising news and humor in one convenient package (Perhaps "The Turducken Files")?

Hell no.

You reach down and find the most exciting news story happening in the NBA at that moment and you report the SHIT out of it. There is ALWAYS something happening in the best sports league in the world and it is our job to dig it up and present it to you, our loving readers.

...with that in mind we'd like to wish Portland Trailblazer Dancer "Mary Ellen" a very happy birthday this upcoming Tuesday. Her favorite style of dance is "Lyrical Jazz", she doesn't have any pets, and her guilty pleasure is "Anything Sweet!"
Happy birthday, Mary Ellen. Enjoy your moment in the sun for now, because to be honest I am worried about you. Why? Well, on your team bio you also happened to mention that your favorite all-time Trailblazer is Sebastian Telfair. This makes me believe that you are either unfamiliar with anyone who ever played with the team or some sort of meth addict.

In my opinion, listing Mr. Telfair as a "favorite player" is one of the things the government and high school guidance counselors should flag as a warning sign of dangerous things to come.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Welcome To The Club JamesOn!

*I love how news networks rush so fast to report filth, that they stumble over simple stuff like how to spell a name!*

So apparently Jameson Curry, a Bulls rookie on the D-League team, suffers from what my buddy Andre Andreas calls, "bitch bladder." For the bitches out there that have yet to realize the uniqueness of your bladders, that means that Jameson pissed in an alley next to a Hampton Inn in Boise and got nabbed by the police for it.

What's even more awesome is that he tried to nonchalantly walk away and slip through a locked door even though it was totally obvious he was caught by a police officer. Ultimately, he was arrested for misdemeanor charges of resisting and obstructing an officer, and urinating in public. He's since made the $600 bond, allowing him to possibly participate in the NBA Development League's Showcase at Qwest Arena. The good news? The Bulls still like him more than Joakim Noah.

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