Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Clippers Broadcasters: Hamed Hadaddi Planned 9/11

LOS ANGELES, California - Longtime Clippers broadcasters Ralph Lawler and Michael Smith, fresh from a one-game suspension for insensitive comments made about the Iranian born Memphis Grizzlies center Hamed Hadaddi, made sure that all 7 Clippers fans watching on TV knew that they have no regrets by accusing Hadaddi for being the mastermind behind the attacks on American soil on 9/11/2001.

"Our time off the air gave both Ralph and I some time to reflect upon why we were suspended and we realized that we were not being honest enough during our telecasts," explained Smith. "We are 100% convinced that Hamed Hadaddi is a freedom-hating terrorist who single-handedly planned 9/11."

Upping the ante, Lawler added, "He also rapes kittens, didn't like The Dark Knight and finds Kirsten Dunst attractive. We will not stop until the world knows the truth!"

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Megan Fox....Just Because

Have a great weekend...

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Your 2009 NL Cy Young Winner: That Kid From Dazed and Confused

Before Lincecum/Wiley Wiggins could accept his award, Ben Affleck paddled his ass red.

Meaning Of Life Found, Withheld By ESPN Insider Membership

NEW YORK CITY, New York - Today scientists and bible scholars found the long awaited meaning of life, sought after by millions and millions over the history of mankind. Upon finding the Meaning Of Life, a window popped up telling all that they could read half of the first sentence of the Meaning Of Life, but to continue they must become an "ESPN Insider".

The half of the first sentence that was revealed consisted of, "The Meaning Of Life is-"

Spending billions of dollars in search of the Meaning Of Life, the scientists and bible scholars abandoned their search when it was revealed that access to the meaning of life would coincide with a subscription to ESPN The Magazine.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Ronnie Brown Placed On IR, Then Placed Into Sparano's Smock

I heard it's equally good at keeping your shirt from getting stained by finger paint or marinara sauce!

Marlins Coghlan Excited To Find Out Which Team He'll Be Traded To

MIAMI, Florida - Yesterday Florida Marlins left fielder Chris Coghlan was named NL Rookie Of The Year. Today, he wakes with a smile on his face, wondering where he will inevitably be traded to.

"Everyone knows that any sort of accolades within the Marlins organization include an express ticket to a contender and a bloated contract", Coghlan said, winking as he piled his possessions into a moving van. "Kevin Brown, Gary Sheffield, Miguel Cabrera, Dontrelle Willis, Mike Lowell, Josh Beckett...hell, even crappy-ass Carl Pavano were immediately shipped to great organizations at the top of their divisions. I've already sold my house in Florida and plan to wait for the call."

Coghlan's hand smacked the side of the moving truck as he added, "Yippee Kiyay Mother-(expletive deleted)."

"I've even got some buddies helping me move." Coghlan pointed at Marlins second baseman Dan Uggla and ace pitcher Josh Johnson, both of whom waved weakly and will likely be sent to other teams for unknown prospects this offseason.

Looking at the sun shining, Chris Coghlan added, "It's almost a shame to say goodbye. It feels like I just got here. Ah well, it's a rule that I have to get shipped out as soon as I am good, and I will stand by it. The rule has applied to everyone before me...well, everyone except Hanley Ramirez it seems."

From his hiding spot behind a palm tree, the words stung Hanley Ramirez, a single tear finding its way down his cheek.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Dick Jauron Exiled Back to Hades

It's OK to let your kids out to play now. They're safe.

Larry Brown And Stephen Jackson Together? What Could Go Wrong?

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina - Bobcats owners Bob Johnson and Michael Jordan smiled widely at the acquisition of Golden State Warriors star Stephen Jackson. They knew they had made a huge move that would put their team over the hump for good.

"Chemistry has been a problem for our organization for...well, forever...but here we have a duo that we think will work quite well together. On one end, you have Larry Brown, a coach who has a history of gracefully coaching along players who exhibit difficult behavior, being something of a father figure to them. Who can forget the way that he taught Ron Artest to jump rope or gently rocked Allen Iverson to sleep every night?" Johnson said.

Jordan added, "-And on the other end you have Stephen Jackson, a person who has been a sweetheart to coaches, and fellow players alike. He has been a role model in the community, and was instrumental in "crowd control" in that brawl in Detroit. The other day I caught him making oragami swans for local schoolchildren."

As Jordan and Johnson walked off to the cigar bar, reporters witnessed Brown drinking heavily and pulling his hair out. Jackson was putting live firecrackers in new teammate Gerald Wallace's locker, and reportedly threw his own feces at Raymond Felton.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Bill Belichick: "Curses! Foiled AGAIN!"

FOXBORO, Massachussets - This morning, after yesterday's improbable 4th Quarter Collapse against the Colts, in which his team lost due to a poor choice to go for it on 4th-and-2 deep in his own territory, Bill Belichick responded to reporters questions in the thone room of his hidden bunker in Foxboro: "I will rise once again. As long as there is darkness to blot out the sun and the moon...I will rise again."

Delicately nibbling on the entrails of a previously vanquished foe (reporters later said it looked like the remains of Titans QB Kerry Collins), Belichick added, "These pithy NFL teams...what do they know of when to 'go for it' or punt? Do they have 3 rings? Do they have a hall-of-fame quarterback? Do they have the enchanted head of Vince Lombardi to instruct them?" Belichick then held up a bespecled head to reporters, which smiled and mouthed the words "Draft Mayo. No one will see his potential."

A shadow fell over Belichick's face, as he looked at the ground with fire in his eyes. "Peyton Manning...You win this round. You and your beautiful golden blonde locks and majestic white steeds. I shall have revenge. -Even if I have to use your younger brother against you by acquiring him when he is spit out of the Giants organization."

Belichick then pointed vigorously at the doorway, dispatching four of his henchmen. One knocked over Boston reporter Bob Ryan.

Showing his teeth, Belichick stood from his throne, and said, "Now if you excuse me gentlemen, I have a busy week ahead of me." A chuckle emenated from his lips. "Oh yes, a very busy week indeed! We have a game against our division rival, the New York Jets, this week. I have to prepare." At this moment a curtain fell, revealing a wheelbarrow of turkeys with a sign on them. The sign read, "Bribe 4 Rex Ryan". Belichick shouted in anger, putting the curtain back into place and yelling for all to leave.

Guards then prodded reporters with spears, driving them across the drawbridge and into the New England countryside.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Welcome To "Zombies Can Dunk.Com"

Welcome all to the brand new site "Zombies Can Dunk". Quite fitting that our first post would be on Friday The 13th, which can only mean good things moving forward.

Zombies Can Dunk is the re-branded name of the "The Howeva Files", which means ZCD will have the same wacky brand of humor, sponsors, and general lack of any real journalistic insight.

So what has changed besides the name? Zombies Can Dunk will focus on all sports, rather than just pro basketball. Also, we now are tapped into Twitter for more up-to-the-moment pithy comments, and the overall feel of the site will be more fun and fantastical rather than straight up news and commentary.

Thanks for reading, and come back frequently as we will be updating the site quite often with the moronic spew from our brains. Mmmm....brains....

Best wishes,

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Site Revamp Coming Soon!

Ooooooh EXCITING! A huge site revamp is coming very soon and we are very pumped about it on our end. Stay tuned!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Amare Likes Your Shirt...Now Give It To Him

Friday, November 6, 2009

Chicks Love The Putter

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

THF Welcomes New Sponsor: PartyBets.com

The Howeva Files is happy to welcome our newest sponsor, "Partybets.com".

If you, like me, could honestly not care less about a random Grizzlies-Timberwolves matchup, why not make it interesting with a bet or two? Partybets.com gives you great bets on great odds, and we are happy to welcome them to the THF family.


Zombies Can Dunk Copyright 2009