Thursday, January 29, 2009

Insert "No Luck" Joke Here

In the true spirit of The Howeva Files' nonstop committal to hard-hitting, life-and-death NBA news, I feel obligated to inform you that the unthinkable has happened: The Celtics decided to part ways with Damon Blust, who played "Lucky The Leprechaun" for the Boston Celtics.

They didn't say why the team parted ways with their long time mascot in any press statements, but I can only hope that it had to do with something leprechaun-related. In my mind the real reason includes drunkedness, assault with a snake-whoopin' stick, and some horrifically lewd reference to Lucky Charms.

If anyone can dig up what this guy's resume will look like after this gig, it would be amazing. THF wishes you the best, Damon Blust.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

It's Dunk Time! Wooooo!!!!......Whoops.

There is no bigger letdown in the world than the missed dunk. Close seconds include when you find out your child has been working in an underground prostitution ring and the 2007-2008 New England Patriots (cue Nelson Muntz going "HAha"). For video evidence of this of a sports anti-climax, let's ironically look at perpetual letdown JR Smith attempting to dunk tonight:

I think the height at which the ball bounces above the rim after the missed dunk is a direct way to measure how disappointing the missed dunk is. That would make this about a 9/10 nut-punch to JR Smith's ego.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Graduating From The Charles Barkley School Of Finance

Oh, Stephon Marbury. When faced with an uncertain future, the fact that he is on a team that can't stand him, and the only team that seems mildly interested in him (the Celtics) are still only...well, mildly's good to know Stephon has his mind completely focused on getting his NBA career back on track:

"At Starbury, consumers do not have to choose between fashion, style, quality, and affordability....They get all four."
Yes, that's right. Our boy Marbury is back working on his shoe/clothing line. Now, apparently he's got rapper Bow Wow working with him too. This makes perfect sense to me, as Marbury's clothing line prides itself on being affordable enough for low-income families to purchase. If there is one person who recognizes the plight of the working man, it's Bow Wow. "Bow Wow" is synonymous with "Thrifty". I mean, it's not like Bow Wow is one to throw his money around on frivolous endeavours.

Oh come on. Like YOU never wagered $100,000 dollars on a game of Madden.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Gary Payton Will Destroy You With His Words

Gary Payton has been on the TNT Halftime show and let me just say that it has transformed the show from interesting silliness to complete chaos...and it's quite entertaining.  Here he is in one of his more sedate moments, arguing with Kenny Smith that stats shouldn't be the end-all in regards to who should start the All Star Game.

I thank God every night that I didn't have to play against Payton as a player.  His trash talking and quick wit are both legendary and if this clip is indication, I would probably just buckle under the pressure, sock him in the mouth, and get suspended.  It's a small price to pay, really.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Say Goodbye To Your Face, Steve

The Suns may have won the game against Atlanta today, but in Josh Smith's mind he is a winner. Check out this dunk/murder by Josh Smith.

That's I guess what happened on that planet in Star Wars when they said "It's as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced".

Friday, January 23, 2009

Realization Of The Day: I Think These Guys Hate Each Other

This week has turned into a rather Magic-centric week, thanks in large part to them being tops in the league and yours truly being a fan of them...I'm a transparent mofo. -But in THF's coverage of the Magic, one thing has shone through: There seems to be a burgeoning rivalry developing between the Celtics and the Magic. Their game last night had the feel of a playoff series, and these two teams have done nothing but talk about each other lately.

-You had Doc Rivers saying the Magic were the best team in the league right now.

-You had Stan Van Gundy telling us that no matter what his team did, at the end of the day the Celtics were the champs they had to measure up with.

-You had me talking in the 2nd person like Hubie Brown.

But above all you had this...which was dangled out there January 12th and has largely gone unnoticed:

Thems fightin' words. It's like Larry Bird nonchalantly telling people in an interview that his buddie's nickname should be "Air Kevin McHale"...the meaning is lost on no one. I can only hope someone shows this to Dwight, because it would be fun to see him smash a car in half in rage.

On that delightful mental image, have a fantastic weekend folks!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Cetics-Magic 1/22/09

Last night the Orlando Magic entered into their home game against the defending champs with the best record in the league. Since this was an important measuring stick match up for both BBJ's and my childhood teams, we each recorded our random thoughts as the game played on.

-The best part of of the game right now was the look in on the Magic locker room during Van Gundy's game adjustments. Van Gundy has obviously found the perfect outfit that his ripped body can fit comfortably in: the t-shirt with a sports coat. That way he can get some reps in during half time.

-Who the hell is the girl who makes the weird pose with her hands under her chin and elbows above her ears in the Gatorade commercial?

-It's REALLY hard to get a a charging call when you flop against Kevin Garnett. Don't even bother to look at the refs for help if you get out muscled by a guy who looks like he's all bones, tendons, and a crappy goatee.

-The micro people in the tour bus gag is running out of ideas already. Afraid of Greg Oden? Hasn't everyone seen just how slow and unintimidating he is by now?

-How aware is Jameer Nelson? It took him about 5 seconds on one play in the thrd quarter to realize that Rondo was guarding Dwight Howard on a switch, leading to a 3 second penalty.

-The greatest contribution of Dwight Howard's career thus far to the league? Making Adonal Foyle even less relevant. He's now been relegated to sitting far down the bench reading the back of the packaging for peanuts.

-Is Howard going for the split goatee on purpose? He looks like the old guy at the Chinese restaurant down the street who hasn't shaved in 40 years.

-Difference between NFL and NBA: You can slow-mo any NFL play at 5 angles and it looks cool. Slow-mo'n a loose ball foul in the NBA is stupid.

-Is this Heineken commercial supposed to be funny or cool? Because John Turturro is neither.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Dwight Howard At The Inauguration

It was fantastic to watch President Obama be sworn in (even though he totally messed that part up) and deliver a great speech (this part he did NOT mess up. Simply a wonderful speech). It is fair to say that the majority of Americans felt a great deal of pride watching from their homes today.

My good friend Dano had a completely different perspective of the whole affair. He was at the inauguration and freezed his butt off. To add to the surreal nature of the events unfolding before him, he turned and this is what he saw directly beside him:

Dwight Howard was standing beside him the whole time, like a mountain erupting out of...well...littler mountains. I asked Dano if he noticed anything worth mentioning, and he said,

"(Looking at the photos) you can't see the funniest part. As he walked by, towering over everyone, he was holding hands with this little old lady that could not have been more than 4 feet tall. He had a big smile on his face the whole time."

Truly an interesting day for us all. Hopefully Obama ushers in an age of prosperity for our nation, and hopefully that little old lady could breathe down there.

Monday, January 19, 2009

For The Love Of The Game

A lot of people nowadays take a look at the old Roman gladiator matches and tsk-tsk at how brutal and out of control they were.  I say bring it on.  I think most debates should be decided by lions chasing people and swords clanging.  

Where am I actually going with all of this?  I think no matter what the sport, competition between people adds an uncanny amount of craziness and positive emotion to the lives of those watching.  Take the game-winning shot by Chris Paul today.  Look at the video shot by someone in the crowd and tell me it isn't damn cool to see an entire stadium go nuts all at once:

Now you know how I react when I look in my cupboard and realize that my wife bought me Fruity Pebbles.  Seriously, that is the cereal of the gods.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Let's Hope The Championship Runs Through Orlando

I've been having a blast watching the Magic make short work of the "upper echelon" during their west coast road trip, and the only thing that makes it better is how little the team seems to be stressing out about their new "elite" status. Take this behind the scenes look as your indication of how championship teams are supposed to behave:

"When Nelson isn’t busting on Turkoglu for his robe, he’s filling Howard’s suit pockets with crackers, Rice Krispies treats, Powerbars and any other kind of snack food he can find. Bogans mocks Howard’s selection of Victorian-era loafers by asking where he parked his carriage. As for Superman’s real secret power:
Among the Magic, Howard’s flatulence is epic. No NBA player clears out a locker room faster."
The mental image of Dwight Howard raising the NBA championship trophy, and then clearing everyone off of the podium with one of his "faster than a speeding bullet" specials is too good not to come true. (Reaches in his pockets, finding crumbled up crackers) NELSON! Get your ass over here!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I'm Not Sure What This Is About

I cannot for the life of me figure out what this commercial is about, but it does involve Darryl Dawkins and Vlade Divac- two guys that I imagine reek of cigarettes. Now that I think of it, the reason none of this makes any sense is because they had to scrap the original idea due to injuries caused by actors slipping on all the butts lying about. Damn this genius brain of mine! With great power comes great responsibility...

Also, is anyone else besides me STILL shocked that Vinny Del Negro is coaching the Bulls?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Pre-Game Warmups Are A Time For Touchin'

If getting felt up is any indication, it's gooooood to be a Warriors announcer.

Wait. Those are a man's hands! It's BAD to be a Warrior's announcer! BAAAAAD to be a Warrior's announcer! (Runs into the shower and starts sobbing that I can't wash that comment away)

Monday, January 12, 2009

And The Oscar Goes To...Michael Jordan In 1983!

By watching the sprawling masterpiece that is "Space Jam", you would have thought that Michael Jordan as an actor was a natural. You would of course be wrong and I will now laugh at you. For you see, dear reader, as this Youtube clip illustrates, Michael Jordan's acting abilities used to resemble a zombie, or perhaps a lobotomized mental patient. It's videos like this that actually make you appreciate how far he's come:

Note to self: Grow that beard.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

While You Were Probably Watching Football

Tony DiLeo debuted his signature dance moves that are sure to sweep across the nation.
A shockingly legless Shawn Marion reverts back to being 3 years old and hides between his parent's legs.
No one told the D-Bag on the left that the Miami Heat weren't playing the Clippers.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Pierce Waves Goodbye To Artest

Watching the Celtics-Rockets game last night, it was hilarious to see Paul Pierce do what pretty much every player wants to do when Artest gets kicked out of a game: Say, "Adios, mofo".

The Rockets wound up winning, but you can tell that the game was still a success in Paul Pierce's mind.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I Feel A Sudden Compulsion To Buy Denver Nuggets Season Tickets

When returning from commercial, NBA games usually show interesting shots of the city, the fans, or the players getting a last few important words from their coach. -But every so often, there is a shot of the cheerleaders. -Even more rare, every so often the cheerleaders are good looking. -And perhaps most rare of all, when the stars align and God smiles down upon you, something like this happens:

Even I have to admit the slowmo was pretty crude at the end there, but did you stop watching? That's right, take a good look in the mirror, sinner!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Canadians, Meet Dwight Howard

While watching the Magic play the Raptors the other night, I couldn't help but notice yet another reason why Dwight Howard is one of the most entertaining players in the league. Most players ignore the rowdy fans of opposing teams, but Howard seems to pay these Canucks a little more attention:

Missed it? Well, Nick Nolte, get up off of that airport floor and pay attention to Howard in the background. He turns and gestures for a Raptors fan to "suck it". Only a man's man would have the cajones to bring back an obscene wrestling gesture from the mid-90s. The "Road Dogg" would be proud.

Monday, January 5, 2009

After Such An Exciting And Long Break, My Mind Has Turned Into Ralph Wiggum's

Many of you out there, myself included, went back to work today after a fun Christmas break and had the motivation and mental capacity of a baboon. Something about returning to the daily grind after nothing but fun and candy canes just strips the mind of brain cells. That is primarily the reason that I ignored the easy topics of Jermaine O'Neal being shopped in Toronto and Nenad Kristic getting that pesky work visa, and proceeded to stare at this youtube clip over and over again. The sheer idiocy of this "Paul Pierce falling" video and the Beavis and Butthead-esque laughs in the background truly show how little gas my brain has in it today. If you need me, I'll be in my apartment staring at things and saying, "Whoaaa" in a Keanu Reeves voice.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Happy (Belated) New Year 2009! Black And Blue's L.A. Recap

We're back from our yearly Christmas hiatus, rested, and ready for whatever 2009 throws at us. For yours truly, it was an eventful break as I went to Los Angeles and did about a jillion things there. I won't bore you with the amazing adventures, but I will give them to you in handy-dandy bulletpoint format!

- I ran into Jazz star Carlos Boozer in Beverly Hills, eating outside in a cafe. He was in town for the Jazz-Lakers game. Carlos seems less hairy in person, but those eyebrows still loom large.

- I saw The Room at the Sunset 5 theater. This means nothing to many of you outside of Los Angeles, but this movie is the WORST MOVIE EVER, and I mean that as a very good thing. It's so laughably bad that the audience participates in a Rocky Horror Picture Show-esque display, throwing spoons at the screen and yelling loudly about how fat the female costar is. Check out some of the Youtube clips.

- One of my female friends randomly had a threesome with two guys. Hopefully this will be a theme in the year of our lord 2009.

- I videotaped myself walking around the L.A. shopping complex "The Grove", and in the process inadvertantly taped whoever the hell this celebrity is at right (my wife tells me it is Harriet the Spy and Gossip Girl star Michelle Trachtenberg...cue me staring blankly) . She put her sunglasses on, dashed away, and a bunch of lonely female workers in Nordstrom yelled at me for "scaring her away". I later learned that "The Grove" is a shopping complex with about 5 stores and celebrities go there to be seen and photographed. After learning this I felt an unhealthy compulsion to destroy a Harriet The Spy DVD. Also, she is nothing to look at in real life (looks like a 13 year old mouse-child).

- La Brea Tarpits and shopping in Venice: Overrated.

- LACMA (the art museum in L.A) and shopping in Santa Monica: Underrated.

- Speaking of shopping in Santa Monica, I went to a Borders bookstore there. The store was THE ONE STORE going out of business (my father got an email about this from across the country), so it was packed and everything was at least 50% off. What made this more interesting was that I (along with the entire store) witnessed two drunk/drugged-out teenage girls that proceeded to cause mayhem on a Motley Crue scale. One puked all over herself, and passed out in the children's section. The other...the one that seemed to be the "sober one"...passed out on the stairs, causing her to land face first and knock herself out. Her pants fell down and she didn't have any underwear, leaving a butt exposed and motionless to approximately 300 shoppers. Watching this all unfold was really one of the most entertaining experiences of my life.

- Because there are SO many burger joints in L.A., I demanded to go to each one and rank them on a scale of 1-10. I wound up taste-testing at least 15 different places (not including the East-Coast standbys such as Burger King and Wendy's) The Winners? With a 10 out of 10 is Fatburger and close behind is In And Out Burger and a burger from the cafe Father's Office, with a 9 out of 10. You can see how seriously I take vacations.

There are a ton of other great stories that I am sure will seep their way onto the hallowed pages of this website in the coming weeks, but I have been up for 48 hours straight from a red-eye flight so that's all I got. Here's to a fantastic 2009!

Zombies Can Dunk Copyright 2009