Avery Gets Da Boot

Avery Johnson, our favorite silly-voiced coach, was fired today as coach of the Dallas Mavericks. This sad news to most NBA fans, who enjoyed his exuberance and his absolutely enormous teeth. In fact, the only people who seem sad to see Avery go are Mark Cuban and that reporter that was given the 9th degree by him a ways back:




We shouldn't gloss over what really is at work here though. Mark Cuban went wayyyy out of his way to get Jason Kidd, Chris Paul made Jason Kidd look like a 90 year-old with a case of the shakes, and Cuban needed a place to throw his aggression. Josh Howard shooting as if he was playing with one contact lens in the whole series didn't help things. As good as the Mavs are, ultimately you never feel like any player or coach on the team is safe (including Dirk) because their owner is about 95% emotion and 5% rational intellectual thought. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely find this brand of human much more entertaining than the rest (it's what has allowed The Real World to stay on television)...I just wouldn't want one as a boss.

Surely with his record and the mind boggling amount of crummy teams who need a lift we're sure Avery will get another shot elsewhere. For now, let's all pour some of our 40 on the ground and salute him.

If you don't want to salute Avery Johnson, yep, you guessed it...OPEN PALMED SLAP ON THE BALLS!

Holy Crap That Was Fast: Mike D'Antoni and the Suns Just Broke Up

As a Suns guy, this actually makes me sad, but word is that the Phoenix Suns are done with former coach of the year and mustache rocker Mike D'Antoni.

During last night's post game press conference, D'Antoni was mum about his status with the team, keeping focus on the team and his pride in them. However, upper management seems to be ready to cut ties with the man who made the eight-second-offense sexy again. Game 5 in the Spurs/Suns series marked the third time in four seasons in which Phoenix was ousted from the playoffs by San Antonio, so I can see the logic in management's win now/something has to change move.

Since D'Antoni has 2 years left on his contract with Phoenix, any team that wants to discuss employment of his services needs to ask for permission. Chances are it won't, but this could play out like the day after a bad batch of Isiahcorn. Most see this as a possible reunion with Colangelo-lite, since it's likely that Toronto Raptors coach Sam Mitchell will get the boot, but Chicago and the Knicks are both out there, so they can't be counted out.

Will Phoenix be able to replace greatness? Who knows, but there's always this.

SHIRTLESS!!

Senile Old Man Told He'll Be Coaching The University of North Carolina Circa '82

A press conference is scheduled this afternoon to announce that the 67 year old coaching legend, Larry Brown, will be the next coach of the Charlotte Bobcats. It's possible that Brown seeks to bring the excitement and excellence of Carolina collegiate basketball to the pro level, but it is more likely that part-owner, Michael Jordan, showed up to the interview dressed as an 18 year old and asked Brown why he should choose to play at UNC.

Brown's contract reportedly includes incentives for oatmeal, Dannon's Activia Yogurt, a special rocking chair on the bench, and a dismantling of the USSR. Don't believe that the Great One would stoop to such lows? Count the amount of times they substitute "Bobcats" for "Carolina Basketball" in today's press conference!

Boston Wins Game 3...Wait...What?!

I'm waiting for Josh Smith to pull the mask off and reveal he was Eli Manning all along.

Tonight there was a different young underdog that smooshed pie in the face of a New England goliath in the playoffs, as the Hawks somehow beat the Celtics 97-92. This tied the series 2-2, winning money for people crazy enough to actually ever put money on the Hawks.

Joe Johnson scored 35 points, Josh Smith scored 28, and Mike Bibby scored 18, while Al Horford pulled down 13 boards. Marvin Williams, it should be noted, apparently still is alive and plays in the NBA. He scored 8 points amid stone-faced fans who continue to try to figure out how he was drafted over Chris Paul and Deron Williams (my guess: a damn good moustache).

The next game is back the land of tea-dumping colonials, where the Hawks will no doubt face a majorly pissed-off KG and company. The Celtics, after all, were so dominant during the regular season that by losing these two games in the playoffs they matched how many games they lost in the entire month of November. The Hawks' surprising moxie, coupled with watching lovable freaks Big Baby Davis and Zaza Pachulia square off, has helped this series officially joins the 76ers-Pistons matchup as "series everyone thought would suck, but actually sorta seems almost interesting now". If any one of the big three go down with injury (by way of "Three Amigos pelvic pump" perhaps?) or cold shooting streaks, we could very well be seeing the Hawks emerge victorious.

In the meantime, for the Celtics players and fans reading this: Don't fret. You still probably will win this series and have a perennial dynasty on your hands. There still is plenty of time for the fans of every major sports league to hate and envy you as you win a championship. -Mostly hate.

For the Hawks players and fans reading this: The odds are still stacked against you, so don't get cute. Win the darn series and then celebrate. If you DO somehow win this series, just promise me one thing: You find the first Celtics fan you see, slam a newspaper clipping on the window in front of them, and say, "I won the series. How do ya like THEM apples?"

-And then do that Three Amigos pelvic pump thing.

Surprise! Robert Horry Is A Dick

Every year, Robert Horry seems to win a ring. Similarly, every year Robert Horry tries to prove to the world that he is a jackass. Sadly, only one of these things is widely acknowledged by the American public (hint: it's not the second one).

Last year, Horry famously kicked Steve Nash's ass, which resulted in getting Amare Stoudamire and Boris Diaw tossed from the series. Obviously, he would have to keep up his rep this year.

I present exhibit A, your honor. Here is Mike D'Antoni getting ejected the other day for yelling about Horry's blatantly unsportsmanlike play. The best part is the completely oblivious announcers not quite understanding how such a thing could happen.



I give this series one more game before Robert Horry tries to claw the eyeballs out of Leandro Barbosa's head, only to have the announcers say, "Robert Horry seems to be trying to help Barbosa with his contact lens...why is Mike D'Antoni so angry?"

Larry Brown Enjoys Coaching

(cue old timey music and bumbling police officers with no guns)

Larry Brown is old. He was born the same year that Elmer Fudd made his debut in the short film Elmer's Candid Camera, also the same year that 2 guys named Adolf and Benito met up in the Alps and decided to form some sort of Axis or something or other to wage war on France and the United Kingdom. He also shares a quality that many people over the age of 65 do, and that is an unadulterated hatred toward young people. Which is why there's some upsetting news out of Philadelphia; Larry Brown has resigned as vice president of the Philadelphia 76ers. Why is this so upsetting you ask? Because he has done so with the intention of pursuing a college or NBA coaching job.

The Sixers organization has undergone some changes with the firing of former team president and maker of poor desicions Billy King, which some feel is the reason for Brown's change of heart. HOWEVA, we all know why this is happening, Larry Brown enjoys making money, and teams enjoy paying him; his stint with Philadelphia was actually the longest he's been in one place in his entire career. This will not dissuade NBA Brass though, oh no, they can be easily be blinded by 1 championship in 25 playoff appearances.

He's most recently interviewed with the Grizzlies and is rumored to have been offered a job to coach at Princeton, but with the vacancies we'll probably be seeing in the next couple of weeks and months, he'll surely be in talks with Chicago, Charlotte, Miami, and of course, THE KNICKS. Let's everyone put in a collective prayer that that happens, because that would be the sweetest candy.

What Every Rockets Fan Is Thinking As They Watch This Series

Sure, the Rockets had that great winning streak during the season...but we all knew that TMac and company would inevitably go belly up as soon as they got in the playoffs. Even worse, as soon as they drew the Utah Jazz (the team they lost to last year) the writing was on the wall that their time in the sun would most likely end in most heartbreaking fashion.

-But why even try to explain what it's like to be a Houston fan right now, down 0-2 and knowing your team needs TMac to suddenly erase the gene him and Vince Carter share that makes daily effort so difficult? Sometimes the gift of song can tell the story like no other: