Wednesday, April 21, 2010

An Insider's Look At The Raiders and Browns' Draft Boards

Since there has been, from what I can tell, an embarrassing lack of NFL draft coverage on TV, we here have graciously decided to make this your home for all things football. The average person is 62% water. We are unquestionably made of 100% smash-mouth, stopwatch toting, HGH injected football. To prove it, we did our best Mission Impossible impression to infiltrate the complexes of the Raiders and Browns to bring you a look at their top secret draft boards.

1. "Captain" Oliver Blackrock - What Al Davis and the Raiders have been lacking since 1960 has been a flesh and blood pirate that can play in a run and shoot offense and can sack the quaterback['s hometown]. In Blackrock, the Raiders believe they will have both. Strength: Paid in doubloons. Weakness: Peg leg.

2. Jimmy Wheeler - Last year's pick of Darrius Heyward-Bey demonstrates how much Oakland values speed. Wheeler is high on their board after a strong season as a paraplegic wheelchair sprinter. Oakland brass believe that his blazing speed outweighs concerns about rough turf, jump balls and flats. Strength: Baseball cards in the spokes. Weakness: I feel bad after writing this...

3. General Tso - This cousin of Yao Ming is a raw special teams player that Al Davis hopes slips to them in the 3rd or 4th round. Although probably better suited for basketball or reaching for that dish on the top shelf, Davis thinks that his 7'6" wingspan will help with blocking kicks and could possibly make him the only person alive to make Jamarcus Russell look accurate. Strength: Sweet and spicy. Weakness: You get hungry again an hour later.

1. Gerald "Dumpy" McCoy - This 339 lbs monster nose tackle gives both offensive lineman and the team laundry guy nightmares. Doctors have been unable to properly treat his rare form of irritable bowel syndrome, resulting in McCoy having to miss every other defensive series to change his pants. Strength: Can fart the alphabet. Weakness: No one wants to be his roommate during camp.

2. Dakota Canis - Dakota is the Dawg Pound's dream. He's a 330 pound English Mastiff that is impossible to move, but has trouble trying ignore stray cats in the stadiums, opposing coaches with treats, and chasing the ball. Strength: What a good boy he is! He's a very good boy! Weakness: Pees on the rug.

3. Craig "Glasshead" Heyward - This running back prospect is the nephew of the famed Saint, "Ironhead" Heyward. Like his uncle, he's got nimble feet but looks to plow over any would-be defenders. Unlike his uncle, he's prone to concussions. A lot of concussions. Seriously, he's already forgotten math. Strength: Does a good impression of that Zest commercial. Weakness: Forgets plays...and how to eat.

4. Reverend Brother Cyrus Luther Solomon - Mike Holmgren would prefer that no one know of his super sleeper pick, but you can't fool us. The good reverend is considered the best athlete on the offensive side of the ball, but because of his religion he cannot play on Sundays. Oh, but watch out when/if Cleveland makes it onto MNF! Strength: On his deathbed, he'll receive total consciousness. So he's got that goin' for him, which is nice. Weakness: Leaves activator residue everywhere.


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