Thursday, December 9, 2010

Transformers 3 Trailer Cometh Out: Sucketh

I am an enormous Transformers fan. I have many of the original damn things from 1984 scattered around my room in their original boxes. I am, if anyone, the target demographic for this movie. That said, I could not stop from burying my head in my hands while watching this trailer and think Michael Bay is pure evil.

Did Walter Cronkite's family okay the use of his image in this? Is it possible that they saw what was completed of this trailer, and said, "Well, Grandpa's memory has to live on in some meaningful way, so this HAS to be good. WAIT. OMG. THERE IS A TRANSFORMER WITH A MOUSTACHE AT THE END?!?!?! WHERE DO WE SIGN?!"

Ah but to be a fly in that board meeting, when the writers came in and said that the movie begins with what WASN'T broadcast during the historic moon landing. That Neil Armstrong and Buzz kept a secret like gigantic hulking robot transformer thingies on the moon under their hat for decades, even after retirement, for their own unexplained reasons. That the ancestor of the transformers was somewhere on the moon, idling, and it wasn't until they came to life that the whole series began in what would be a mind-bleep of Megan Fox in too-small outfits, the ruination of John Turturro's career, and dogs humping each other for cheap laughs. -Oh yeah, and the main character's mom wandering around a campus stoned. Surely THIS is how all of that was meant to have started.

As a transformers fan, this third one is going to be the hardest one to justify seeing yet. Gone is ZCD favorite lady Megan Fox, replaced with a skinny model that looks like a Tree Ent from Lord of the Rings. Gone are Jazz and Jetfire, two of the my favorite characters from my childhood that Michael Bay ruined by making one an old guy and the other an overtly racist character. Replacing those things are a promise, and this is straight from Bay's mouth, of "less characters, more focus on the story". That always works well for sequels, Mike.

It's just a shame that such a great franchise has been turned into something that has moviegoers saying in their seats, "Oh cool! A movie about the moon landing! Wait. Crap. Another poop vehicle for Michael Bay. When does this trailer end?"

If you need me, I'll be sulking in my decepticons hat.


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