The NFL draft is next Thursday, and like you I am very, very excited to watch it. There is something grand and beautiful about putting so many hopes and dreams upon a team and players that do not give two craps if you exist. It's a time for hope. It's a time when dreams come true. It's a time when critiquing parts of other men's bodies, using words like "length", "girth", and "huge motor", seem completely straight.
I've been balking at doing any sort of mock draft for the first round, primarily because my opinions this offseason have swung wilder than Elisha Cuthbert's weight (did anyone see her on her new show "Happy Endings"? She appeared to have lost 40 pounds between the first and second episodes. That couldn't have been pleasant for her, although I'm not complaining).
Anyhoo, here is the Zombies Can Dunk 2011 NFL Mock Draft:
1) Carolina Panthers - Cam Newton, QB, Auburn
Let's face it: Current QB Jimmy Clausen's head looks like it was squashed down in a vice. That is no way for a franchise quarterback to look.
2) Denver Broncos - Marcell Dareus, DT, Alabama
Broncos GM might pretend that he is drafting a QB here, but he looks in the mirror EVERY DAY and compares himself to these guys. Every QB lacks his talent...and teeth.
3) Buffalo Bills - Von Miller, OLB, Texas A&M
This guy is scary tough, and will need to be to survive a winter in Buffalo. His entire name sounds like a last name...another bonafide sign of toughness.
4) Cincinnati Bengals - Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri
Every one of Blaine Gabbert's photos make him look like an egotistical jackass. You can tell he practices that squinty eye, Blue Steel look in the mirror daily. Have fun with that, Cincy.
5) Arizona Cardinals - Patrick Peterson, CB, LSU
Cardinals fans had a good run of non-mediocrity for a while there. Peterson is an amazing talent, but unless he can do the Deion Sanders and play offense as well, this team is doomed.
6) Cleveland Browns - AJ Green, WR, Georgia
The Browns get the best WR in the draft. Yeah, big consolation to losing Lebron James.
7) San Francisco 49ers - Robert Quinn, DE, North Carolina
Coach Jim Harbaugh is OBSESSED with quarterbacks, so I won't rule out something bizarre happening here...like him drafting himself...but this is the pick for now.
8) Tennessee Titans - Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn
Tennessee's defensive line coach was Nick Fairley's coach in college. I need no other reason. I'm going to use this pick to take a bathroom break.
9) Dallas Cowboys - Prince Amukamara, CB, Nebraska
It took me 3 tries to spell that damn last name right. Jerry Jones can drunkenly slur out Prince's first name, so this will be the pick.
10) Washington Redskins - Jake Locker, QB, Washington
Redskins reach to get their guy here, and if you've watched any tape you would know Locker is pretty awful. Expect that Shanahan face to get redder...like the helmet logo.
11) Houston Texans - JJ Watt, DE, Wisconsin
The rare first name question and last name response. I have high hopes for this guy.
12) Minnesotta Vikings -Cameron Jordan, DE, California
The Vikings could very well go Ryan Mallett here, but Leslie Frazier doesn't seem like the type to tolerate Mallett's attitude. I can actually picture Frazier bitch-slapping him.
13) Detroit Lions - Tyron Smith, OT, USC
The Lions need a franchise left tackle and Tyron Smith slips this far right into their laps. Somewhere, as I type this, Wayne Fontes just ate an entire bucket of KFC himself.
14) St Louis Rams - Julio Jones, WR, Alabama
Rams fans get the guy they've wanted to pair with QB Sam Bradford. Literally the happiest anyone has ever been to interact with a guy named "Julio".
15) Miami Dolphins - Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas
I could not be less confident with a selection. Dolphins fans, including myself, really want a QB...which history dictates will lead the Dolphins to selecting a lineman. FML.
16) Jacksonville Jaguars - Aldon Smith, DE, Missouri
I keep hearing people call Aldon Smith a "freak of nature". For once, I would love one of these players to misread that phrase as an insult and go berzerk.
17) New England Patriots - Anthony Castonzo, OT, Boston
Just when you thought your team had a shot to tear Tom Brady's wig off, they draft more talented lineman help. Sigh.
18) San Diego Chargers - Gabe Carimi, OT, Wisconsin
It's a run on offensive tackles! In my mind's eye, Gabe Carimi has an italian accent and just uses his last name to describe the texture of ice cream.
19) New York Giants - Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama
Giants fans, with their stadium 10 minutes from my house, have an excuse to high five and fist pump, yelling, "We gots In-grum!" I can't wait.
20) Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Ryan Kerrigan, DE, Purdue
The Bucs would trade up to get a great player, but as is the case at the 20 spot, someone will drop right into their laps. I miss the creamsicle uniforms.
21) Kansas City Chiefs - Akeem Ayers, OLB, UCLA
The first player taken slightly early. Very exciting! Not because of the selection, but because we get to hear Herm Edwards comment on the pick for the team he destroyed.
22) Indianapolis Colts - Mike Pouncey, C, Florida
People are speculating the Colts will draft a quarterback to become the heir apparent to Manning. Not. Bloody. Likely.
23) Philadelphia Eagles - Derrick Sherrod, OT, Mississippi
Who knew there were so many tackles rated this high? Why am I excited for this draft again?
24) New Orleans Saints - DaQuan Bowers, DE, Clemson
This guy fell in the draft and the Saints have become one of the smartest organizations in football, so they nab a gem here. Can you believe the Saints are good? I still can't!
25) Seattle Seahawks - Christian Ponder, QB, Florida State
Ponder is a QB I think could be the best player in this entire draft. That said, his haircut is simply awful. What the hell are you thinking, Christian?
26) Baltimore Ravens - Nate Solder, OT, Colorado
Ravens are surprised to get a player this good this late. By this point I have slipped into an offensive tackle-induced coma.
27) Atlanta Falcons - Kyle Rudolph, TE, Notre Dame
Matt Ryan likes tight ends. Tony Gonzalez is likely in his final year in the NFL. Damn, why couldn't I just leave that first sentence? That would have colored this pick differently.
28) New England Patriots - Mikel Leshoure, RB, Illinois
Patriots get arguably the best rusher in the draft, which makes the rest of America look at the sky and ask why God hates them.
29) Chicago Bears - Jimmy Smith, CB, Colorado
Jay Cutler will look apathetically up at his television screen during this pick before he goes back to sulking and stealing other people's girlfriends.
30) New York Jets - Cameron Heyward, DE, Ohio State
The ghost of Gholston is silenced with this pick. Great feet on this prospect. Great feet.
31) Pittsburgh Steelers - Ben Ijalana, OL, Villanova
Steelers need to continue to upgrade their offensive line to push women out of bathrooms frequented by Big Ben.
32) Green Bay Packers - Muhammed Wilkerson, DE, Temple
Aaron Rodgers will be praying the Packers go defense here and they do. Muhammed? Temple? There's a religious joke in there somewhere but I won't touch it with a ten foot pole.
That should wrap it up. I did way more than my usual 2 minutes of research for this column, so I am spent. After the draft we will do a review and assess how completely awful my predictions were. Have a good Easter, folks.
