"Black And Blue Jor"...A Way To Say "Quality NBA Posts" In Three Less Syllables

One day in the future when I'm gone, and the only thing left behind to remind people of me is a shiny piece of granite (not a tombstone, but an actual chunk of granite...I will probably put it in the middle of a busy freeway or something) I hope I am remembered for some of the quality posts that I have contributed to this all-NBA site. Topping the list is this gem:


My only hope is that someone submits this post for a Pulitzer at some point because that is hard-hitting NBA journalism right there.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Memphis

Wow...been a while since I've had to do one of these. There was nothing of note in the news today (I didn't feel like writing about how Boston has become the "Isle Of Lost Toys" for any unwanted player to win a championship), and Youtube has dried up (I blame the economy), so it's cheerleader time!

For this installment, we head to Memphis, the land of music legends and...grizzly bears. Grizzlies are just rampant in the Tennessee sun. You can see them hanging out with Jeff Fischer.

I won't even attempt to go on with my rampant Grizz bashing (for that, you can look here), so let's just check out some dancers, shall we?

We Talkin' Bout (acting) Practice!

I don't know how I missed this, but based upon the responses I've gotten from a few people it would appear that many of you haven't heard about this either:


That's right, kids! An Allen Iverson biopic/documentary/thingy. I can't decide whether it looks good (Allen Iverson is a pretty interesting guy, more deserving of a film than, say, Mark Blount), or pitiful (that cliche trailer music, mixed with the seemingly poor production value just screams NYU student film). Either way, if this is actually something that hits selected theaters I would see it with my doo rag on. -If for nothing else, just to see this scene, as dictated by his wikipedia page:
-------------------------------------------
On February 24, 2004, Iverson, a noted regular casino patron, was spotted at Bally's Park Place in Atlantic City urinating in a trash can in full view of staff and patrons. He was told by casino management not to return.

Superman, Krypto-Nate, and Russell "Aquaman" Westbrook

I couldn't think of a fitting superhero name for Russell Westbrook, so "Aquaman" was there for the taking. A "brook" is a stream of water after all...yeah, screw it...I know it's a stretch.

Anyhoo, everyone is talking about my boy Dwight's INSANE 75 foot pre-game shot, which is all the more crazy because it looks like he just flicks it off of his wrist half-heartedly.

Those who aren't talking about Howard are marvelling at Nate Robinson's alley-oop dunk in which he gets about 20 feet off of the floor on his wee little flea legs.

Well, I submit this play into the mix. In the game against the Warriors, Russell Westbrook goes Ron Jeremy by tag-teaming the poor defender in the middle of an off-the-glass-alley-oop-dunk. That's FIVE hyphens, kids!



This collection of videos brought to you by God, in order to remind you to be humble. -Also brought to you by steroids, in case you don't want to be humble.

Skip 2 My Lou To The Magic: Trade Grades!

The Trade:

Orlando gets: Rafer Alston

Houston gets: Kyle Lowry, Brian Cook

Memphis gets: Orlando's 1st round pick

Obviously there were more people added to this deal (Mike Wilks, Adonal Foyle), but since most of America is amazed those people still exist, we won't count them.

Orlando's Grade: A-

With Chris Paul giving a nonstop enema to the Orlando Magic guards the other night, it was obvious the team needed to make a deal before the deadline if they didn't want to see the season flushed down the toilet. In less than 24 hours, they orchestrated a deal for a starting point guard in Alston who fits their style perfectly and gave up almost nothing in return. Brian Cook would have been traded for a ham sammitch, and that "first rounder" is currently the 27th pick in what is looking like a crummy draft. Toss in the fact that Rafer has an expiring deal after next year and can remind the general public about that face-less AND1 logo and you've got a steal.

Houston's Grade: A-

It is obvious with McGrady shutting down the season that this team was going nowhere fast. Having a 32 year old Alston getting paid a lot didn't make much sense, and the team had to take a long, hard look at where it was headed. Enter Kyle Lowry, a player the franchise has always coveted and they can use to compete with Aaron Brooks to be the starting PG of the future. While Orlando will get the headlines on this deal because they are a more likely contender for the finals, this could be a deal that benefits Houston more in the end if Lowry keeps his per-minute averages up. Brian Cook adds some bench depth and some much-needed asshole-iness to what is a soft team. It's almost inceivable that a trade can benefit more than one NBA team these days, so write this day down in your journals, kids.

Memphis' Grade: D

Oh yeah, I forgot Memphis was involved in the deal, so there is your perpetual pooped-on victim right there. Memphis got a borderline 2nd round pick and gave up Kyle Lowry, a guy that was viewed as one of the few specks of hope on a volcano of despair in Grizz-country. To make matters worse, they still have no star power on their team to actually, you know, get people to come to their games (a minor detail). It's crazy that we live in a world where the Hornets can't get people to go to their games, Seattle is losing their franchise, and the Grizzlies exist through it all. It boggles the mind. Somewhere Big Country Bryant Reeves just shot a buck and ate it raw on the spot.

Here's some Skip 2 My Lou highlights to enjoy as we ease into the weekend:

A-Rod Buries What Would Have Been Biggest Story

If you think all that happened in the world of sports was the Alex Rodriguez press conference, I have a more dramatic and legendary story for you that's steroid-free!

For hundreds of years the tale has been told around Native American campfire. A herd of American bison was lost in the Arbuckle Mountains during a ferocious storm- the kind only Oklahoma can produce.
Hail fell and tornadoes spun all around the herd as they stampeded, trying to find their way down to the safety of the plains.
One lone bison stayed behind as he helped each of his friends escape down a treacherous ravine... once all of his friends were safe he began his descent, only to find his way blacked by fallen boulders.
Lost, he climbed to the tallest peak; left to face the storm alone and searching for a way down the mountain, he was struck by a bolt of lightning.
The bolt did not destroy him, but, by the power of the god of thunder, changed him. Suddenly, he walked on two legs like a man. He possessed amazing strength and agility- he could jump higher, run faster, think more clearly than any beast.
But because he was no longer a bison- and yet not a man- he was alone.
With many sightings, the legend grew through the years of a mighty bison with remarkable powers roaming the hills alone.
Not until a group of men who carried similar powers came to Oklahoma City did he find some- where he belonged. These men also possessed the power to jump higher, run faster, and perform acrobatic dunks more spectacular than anyone in the land. They too carried the roar of Thunder ever time they took the court.
So he joined their team. And the new legend of Rumble was born.

Sure...whatever. As long as he has pants (unlike this perv,Crunch) we're cool with putting up with the him during ZERO times we see an Oklahoma City Thunder game.

NBA'S First H-O-R-S-E Competition: Thumbs Down

One of the most odd events of the NBA All-Star Weekend was the H-O-R-S-E competition between Kevin Durant, Joe Johnson, and OJ Mayo. The competition started off as potentially the most boring thing I've ever seen on television, with the players acting half-interested and challenging each other to hit (gasp) ten foot jumpers! To make matters worse, you had to spell G-E-I-C-O, which made the organizers seem like W-H-O-R-E-S. That was a pun, ladies and gents.

As soon as I was ready to give up on the competition altogether, OJ Mayo (bless his heart) got as bored as I did and started bombing shots from the audience, from the ground, and started doing granny/Rick Barry free throws. The man single-handedly got America back into the competition, only to be bested by a robotic, expressionless, emaciated Kevin Durant. Durant just took three-pointers the whole time, attempting only one "circus" shot from behind the scorer's table and annoying the hell out of me.

Well, apparently Durant got his just desserts, with him openly saying, "I thought I was going to get a better trophy than THAT" today, after being presented with a crappy plastic horse trophy as his reward for standing in the sun for an hour and a half.

You can see the crummy My Little Pony trophy by scrolling to around 3:10 below.




Seriously, could it be more obvious that they forgot to get a trophy and sent someone to the Toys R Us at the last second? That thing is just depressing.

Traveling: Not Just For Lebrons Anymore!

Lately we've been getting a good amount of emails from people yelling, screaming and hollering Christian Bale-like about how the refs aren't calling traveling on Lebron. Thanks to this handy-dandy video from loyal reader Azhar, we have evidence that it's a league-wide brain-fart. Check out Corey Maggette doing a fun little jig when he should have his feet planted:



Basketball seems a lot more fun without any of that pesky "dribbling while moving" stuff in the way.

Happy Valentine's Day From The Howeva Files

It's our favorite of the Hallmark-created, spend-too-much-on-flowers-and-sweet-tarts day of the year. No, really. Spending money on red and pink crap is really what love is all about.

Spend the day with that special someone that you've been meaning to say you have feelings for, whether they like it or not. You'll find that breaking in to another person's home and making them breakfast in bed is the perfect way to say, "I've been staring at you at the bus stop on the way to work every day, and I just can't hide my feelings anymore. Now EAT YOUR CEREAL!"

All joking aside, have a happy "holiday" everyone. If you need me, I'll be nude outside with fake wings shooting people with arrows.

Durant Is Still Dodging the Thunderous Dunks

I took a look at Kevin Durant lately and decided that he still needs to add a wee bit more bulk onto his 37 pound frame. He is a great player, but methinks that if he wants to in any way be seen as a force of power and intensity he needs to start downing Pro Performance Weight Gainer immediately. Corey Maggette, do me a favor and back me up here:



Yowza. You can see how tentative Durant is going up for that block attempt, not even getting close to actually blocking the shot for fear that his arm would rip off like that guy on "Lost" last night. To add insult to injury, the ball flies through the net and slams Durant in the head, almost decapitating him. Will Durant sustain a crazy injury with his wirey frame, or will he somehow beat the odds like anorexia poster child Tayshaun Prince? ONLY TIME WILL TELL!

Lithuanians Have The Heart

I was debating with one of our loyal readers about whether Lithuanians were great basketball players (I am Lithuanian, hence my interest in it) and we got to the question of whether the country has successfully exported good players to the NBA because the team seems to have a lot of heart.  I argued that the team seems to somehow be in the medal discussion every Olympics even though they are written off, and this is due to the nation's pride and borderline bloodthirsty interest in winning.

He simply sent back this response to show where the country's residents priorities lie.  

Well played sir, well played. -But look at the HEART of that guy yelling at his teammate to stop blocking his shot!

I Would Have Preferred A Cloud

Today the Oklahoma City Thunder announced the concept behind their team's mascot, much to the interest of meteorologists everywhere. Those same weathermen are in the process of writing some very angrily-worded letters, because the Thunder are going with a bison mascot. Yes, that's right...a bison.

I'm not really certain how the animal and the weather forecast have anything to do with each other, but perhaps it is already part of the team management slowly backtracking their steps on that whole "naming our team after a nonthreatening sound associated with rain" thing. When it comes time to pick a logo and a mascot, the team has to stare at their hands and realize that only lightning would be a visible representation of thunder and that would be misleading. I'm not sure if an equally nonthreatening animal that spends its day chewing grass and defecating in fields is the proper way to overcompensate, but hey that's just me. Congrats Oklahom-ians!

Every So Often, Jamal Crawford Reminds You He Exists And Is Pretty Good

After having a post with the title "Fail" up all weekend, I thought I would go to the other end of the spectrum and show just how fun and exciting the NBA can be. For this, we look to a play from Jamal Crawford that actually got me up out of my seat. This is a pretty rare thing, not only because I only vault up out of my seat at the sight of ShamWOW ads, but also because Jamal Crawford's career has been a lesson in how to slowly creep into obscurity. Still, it's at least worth a golf clap and a kudos:




Sham-WOW!

Fail

DING DING DING! We've found a winner (and by that I mean loser) for worst jersey since the Dallas Mavericks shimmery trash bags of 2003. Not only is the jersey hideous, but it also seems as if Gerald Wallace is being terrorized by Louis Amundson's levitating basketball trick.

Other possible things happening in this picture?

1. Wallace is fighting off Amundson from performing unnecessary CPR.

2. Wallace is in fact a new born baby and Amundson is keeping him distracted until the crib arrives.

3. DeSagana Diop's dong became untaped from his leg, floored Wallace while Amundson cries.

Some Days, I Leave The Analysis To The Experts

I was going to talk in depth about the injuries that seem to be decimating the NBA, but found this Youtube clip and realized there was nothing left to say. There simply is not a more detailed, intricate, and serious analysis than this one, so I'll use this opportunity to catch up on Lost while you fill every cell in your brain chock full of information. Try to get some sleep tonight despite the fact that you will have all of the world's knowledge condensed into one minute and a half clip. Enjoy:

Sixers Coach, You're Having...The Best Week Ever!

Watching the postgame of the Sixers gut-wrenching loss to the Celtics Tuesday night, I had only one thought: Tony DiLeo looks exactly like an older version of Michael Ian Black (of VH1's Best Week Ever, The State, and Wet Hot American Summer fame):




With his stone-faced demeanor, you almost expect him to toss out a Michael Ian Black-esque overstatement like "Ghoulies...was the most amazing feature film of the 20th century".

Off Topic Again: That Is One Long Play

You want your NBA news for the day? Jameer Nelson just dislocated his shoulder. There you go! Now onto something more pressing:

After giggling hysterically for 5 minutes I realized I had to share this with you. According to TMZ.com, during the Super Bowl yesterday the residents of Tuscon, AZ were subjected to a...gift of sorts. When Larry Fitzgerald had that amazing run to the end zone to take the lead for the Cardinals, the broadcast was interrupted by a porn clip lasting about 30 seconds. Yes, I am serious. This is what it looked like. Honestly, we need more broadcasts like this:



This is the last Super Bowl related post for the year, I promise, unless more hysterical porn is somehow unearthed. I hope this post made the world a little bit of a better place.

Off Topic: Congrats To Super Bowl Champion Coach Omar Epps!

Actor. Coach. Super Bowl Winner.

Is there anything Omar Epps CAN'T do?!

THF takes a moment from basketball to give congrats to Omar Epps and the Pittsburgh Steelers for drowning Cardinals fans in a tidal wave of sorrow, just like old times! Now that you've got that super bowl ring, you can get back to reviving your acting career any day now.