Breaking News: The NBA Is Now Pro Wrestling

In revolting and AWESOME news, the NBA revealed its full transition from legit sport to pro wrestling league after commissioner David Stern dropped down from the rafters during a 3-team trade/loser-leaves-town match and cold-cocked New Orleans Hornets GM, Dell Demps, with a foreign object he pulled out from underneath the tarp. After going from one side of the ring to the other, cupping his hand to his ear, the newly crowned Intercontinental Champion addressed the crowd:

X-Pac! Me and my brutha, Koko B. Ware, are comin' after you, brutha! No mo' hidin'! At Summer Slam, The Birdman and I are gonna rain slaps down upon the chests of you and The Honky Tonk Man, with the power and ferocity of which no tag-team has ever done before. The XL Center in Hartford, Connecticut will be rocking! Woo!

Deputy commissioner, The Rock, and president of league operations, The Iron Sheik, earlier in the day handed down fines today in the form of The People's Elbow and The Camel Clutch to Cavs owner, Dan Gilbert, to "make him humble" after being a "candy ass" for writing another letter in crayon to the league's office.

In the bowels of the arena, the conniving manager and NJ/Brooklyn Nets owner, Mikhail Prokhorov, was seen strategizing with GM, Gold Dust, how to distract the overweight referee from noticing Gold Dust's performing his signature move, The Shattered Dreams, on weary Magic coach, Stan Van Gundy, and tampering with Dwight Howard.

Just before the telecast ended, basketball fans were shocked and amazed by the latest purchase of The Million Dollar Man, Ted Debiase. It was the one true love of Bobcats owner, Michael Jordan: Charles Oakley. Sideline reporter, Abdullah The Butcher, just silently stared into the camera.

Zombies Can Dunk...And Tweet!

While the site has been quiet for a wee bit, there is a lot of fun stuff planned for the latter part of the year, including more moronic podcasts, photos of people making fools of themselves, and more.

In the meantime, follow us on twitter here!

THEJordanGeary

And

@windupbird13831

ZCD Podcast 006: A Night Out With TNA Wrestler Christopher Daniels

In episode 6, Jordan, Taylor and Ben attend a Ring Of Honor wrestling show, and spend the rest of the night partying with TNA wrestler "The Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels. Chaos, wrestling injuries, and mounds and mounds of sushi ensue. Do a back flip off of the top ropes and then take a listen!!!

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Live Blogging: 2011 NBA Draft

10:22 This is the loudest applause that Adam Silver has ever gotten. And this ends the live coverage. Impressions? Minnesota still has zero idea what it's doing.

9:49 ESPN has been so far behind Twitter on their reporting. It's getting annoying.

9:40 The dog has been farting like crazy. Must not be happy with any of these picks.

9:11 Why they don't show the Isiah's a bum video from 2007 whenever the Knicks make a pick every year is beyond me.

9:01 Nice prom tux Kawhi! (Also, why is his pinky all mangled?)

8:48 What is happening with Marcus Morris' pocket square? It seems to be growing exponentially.

8:39 If you want draft coverage that's slightly less funny than me in the other internet tab, follow the Ball Don't Lie live chat.

8:23 In serious news, Ron Artest wants to change his name to Metta World Peace.

8:12 BIZ! (Fran, so you're telling me they just drafted a taller Joel Anthony with the #7 pick?)

8:04 Jonas Valanciunas: Opulence. I has it. (Kisses mini giraffe).

8:02 Just let out a big YES after this Toronto pick. I was just rooting that Kemba not get exiled to Canada.

7:59 Mark Jones seems to keep having his mic dumped. He must be swearing like crazy.

7:57 Bilas is killing me. Where's the "length" references?


7: 46 Where are the ridiculous suits? Why do they look so professional?

7:37 Kyrie is hearing all of this from the ESPN crew, yes? That seemed like a very nervous sip of water.

7:33 I love the booing. Big shout out to NJ!

7:23 Someone please find the vampire who bit Rachel Nichols before she infects the entire war room.


7:17 Zombies Can Dunk exclusive: With the first pick, the Cavs will draft Whitey Bulger because when he flees town at least no one will be pissed.

7:12 Angry contributor, Jay Breuer, makes his first contribution tonight: "Pace" is the new "length" for Jay Bilas this year.

7:11 Stuart Scott is not loud enough to make us care yet. Give him time

Otis Smith...Let's Make A Deal!

The NBA Draft is tonight! With Dwight Howard needing some help in Orlando (or else he is pulling a Shaq and RUNNING out of there), what do you think the chances are that Otis Smith, GM of the Magic, makes a move? For his job security, I'll guess 100%.

Here is an eye into the Orlando Magic Otis Smith situation room...

Not So Fast. Mr. Goalie. You Might Want To Look Behind You

This site has never written about Italian soccer, so you know something interesting happened. In the seventh division playoff between Dro and Termeno during a shootout to decide which club would win promotion, a goalie learned a valuable lesson about celebrating too early:

In case you missed it, yes that is the ball somehow defying the laws of physics to spin backwards into the goal, which the team would not have won without. Soccer gods are powerful beings.

Rampage Jackson Is Amazing

Yay for motorboating...

Avery Johnson Weighs In

I've seen a lot of animated gifs that make me all happy and fuzzy inside, but this one is my new favorite.

Basically, you ask a question, and the Avery Johnson Decider lets you know if you made a good point.

For instance:

"Avery, what do you think of the idea of four supermodels, in a jacuzzi, all with bottles of champagne and strawberries?"

He likes it! Avery likes it!

NOOOOO!!!! Macho Man!!!!!!

Word is that Macho Man Randy Savage has passed away. This is like learning that the sun will no longer shine. Macho Man was one of the most ridiculous figures in wrestling history, which is saying something, but was also one of the most beloved.

Even crazier, he died the way he lived...in spectacularly over the top fashion:

The 58-year-old Savage reportedly suffered a heart attack while driving his 2009 Jeep Wrangler in Tampa, Fla., and careened across lanes of oncoming traffic before colliding head-on with a tree. He died later at a local hospital.

Our hearts go out to his family and his fans. Tonight we will look to the sky and say, "The tower of power, too sweet to be sour, funky like a monkey, OH YEAAAAAAHHH!"

It's Guy Christmas!

Tonight is the NFL draft, the day that every guy looks forward to a year more than any other. It's also the day that Miami Dolphins fans like myself call, "The day when you punch a hole in your television."

The Dolphins, you see, are incredibly skilled at making draft picks that their fans hate. It would be one thing if the draft picks proved fans wrong once in a while...but all you have to do is look at the wikipedia page of Pat White to understand their track record. It's awful. The original Trail Of Tears involved Native Americans...this one involves people who like their team enough to somehow wear aqua and orange as a fashion statement. Nonetheless, myself and other fans of beleaguered franchises will watch anxiously and pray that a franchise Quarterback (I'm hoping for Ryan Mallett or Christian Ponder) will be selected by their team and not this year's Ted Ginn.

In the spirit of the draft, I present my favorite all time NFL draft-related video...a recap of every bad New York Jets draft blunder in recent years. The reactions of these mustachioed, overweight fans from Queens makes me smile every time...even if their current team is substantially better than mine:

Recap of the 2011 draft, including whichever no-names the Dolphins pick, coming soon!

Annual Reminder That Sampras And Federer Are Nerds

Just in case you caught a Gatorade or Rolex commercial with Pete Sampras and/or Roger Federer and actually thought for a second they were cool, here is your annual reminder:



Ah yes, the classic fist pound/high five folly, guaranteeing failure on every social level. You can almost see this interaction happening with them in high school, and continuing on with them giggling awkwardly and then comparing World Of Warcraft screen names. The jock in me is having trouble not kicking sand in their faces and stealing their girlfriends.

On a side note: Hey, finally an excuse to add "tennis" as a tag, for all of you rabid, blood-thirsty enthusiasts out there!

Tony La Russa's Daughter Is An Attractive Raiders Cheerleader

I use the images above as exhibit A, B, and C to reach the following verdict: Tony La Russa may be one of the ugliest people on this planet we call Earth. I'm sorry to put it that bluntly, but a fact is a fact. There has been more than one time that I've been watching a Cardinals game, they've cut to the dugout, and I've had to stop eating a sandwich. I don't blame the guy, as drinking a crap-ton of liquor, yelling at umps, and spending the summers baking in the sun does little to aid one's complexion.

Still, you can imagine my surprise when I came across this picture:

Pretty attractive, no? Brace yourselves...it's Tony La Russa's DAUGHTER!

Oh, wait, you garnered that from the title of this post? Crap. I should have thought of that.

Oh well, too lazy to change it now.

Apparently Bianca La Russa has tried out to be an Oakland Raiders cheerleader and is going to be named to their dance squad this year. Doing a quick google image search of Bianca La Russa, I am floored this person came from Tony La Russa's family tree and no one knew about it. It's like finding out Dudley Moore's daughter is Brooklyn Decker, or Steven Tyler's daughter is....Liv Tyler...well, you get the point.

Here are more images of Bianca. Credit her mom:

NFL Mock Draft 2011

The NFL draft is next Thursday, and like you I am very, very excited to watch it. There is something grand and beautiful about putting so many hopes and dreams upon a team and players that do not give two craps if you exist. It's a time for hope. It's a time when dreams come true. It's a time when critiquing parts of other men's bodies, using words like "length", "girth", and "huge motor", seem completely straight.

I've been balking at doing any sort of mock draft for the first round, primarily because my opinions this offseason have swung wilder than Elisha Cuthbert's weight (did anyone see her on her new show "Happy Endings"? She appeared to have lost 40 pounds between the first and second episodes. That couldn't have been pleasant for her, although I'm not complaining).

Anyhoo, here is the Zombies Can Dunk 2011 NFL Mock Draft:

1) Carolina Panthers - Cam Newton, QB, Auburn

Let's face it: Current QB Jimmy Clausen's head looks like it was squashed down in a vice. That is no way for a franchise quarterback to look.

2) Denver Broncos - Marcell Dareus, DT, Alabama

Broncos GM might pretend that he is drafting a QB here, but he looks in the mirror EVERY DAY and compares himself to these guys. Every QB lacks his talent...and teeth.

3) Buffalo Bills - Von Miller, OLB, Texas A&M

This guy is scary tough, and will need to be to survive a winter in Buffalo. His entire name sounds like a last name...another bonafide sign of toughness.

4) Cincinnati Bengals - Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri

Every one of Blaine Gabbert's photos make him look like an egotistical jackass. You can tell he practices that squinty eye, Blue Steel look in the mirror daily. Have fun with that, Cincy.

5) Arizona Cardinals - Patrick Peterson, CB, LSU

Cardinals fans had a good run of non-mediocrity for a while there. Peterson is an amazing talent, but unless he can do the Deion Sanders and play offense as well, this team is doomed.

6) Cleveland Browns - AJ Green, WR, Georgia

The Browns get the best WR in the draft. Yeah, big consolation to losing Lebron James.

7) San Francisco 49ers - Robert Quinn, DE, North Carolina

Coach Jim Harbaugh is OBSESSED with quarterbacks, so I won't rule out something bizarre happening here...like him drafting himself...but this is the pick for now.

8) Tennessee Titans - Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn

Tennessee's defensive line coach was Nick Fairley's coach in college. I need no other reason. I'm going to use this pick to take a bathroom break.

9) Dallas Cowboys - Prince Amukamara, CB, Nebraska

It took me 3 tries to spell that damn last name right. Jerry Jones can drunkenly slur out Prince's first name, so this will be the pick.

10) Washington Redskins - Jake Locker, QB, Washington

Redskins reach to get their guy here, and if you've watched any tape you would know Locker is pretty awful. Expect that Shanahan face to get redder...like the helmet logo.

11) Houston Texans - JJ Watt, DE, Wisconsin

The rare first name question and last name response. I have high hopes for this guy.

12) Minnesotta Vikings -Cameron Jordan, DE, California

The Vikings could very well go Ryan Mallett here, but Leslie Frazier doesn't seem like the type to tolerate Mallett's attitude. I can actually picture Frazier bitch-slapping him.

13) Detroit Lions - Tyron Smith, OT, USC

The Lions need a franchise left tackle and Tyron Smith slips this far right into their laps. Somewhere, as I type this, Wayne Fontes just ate an entire bucket of KFC himself.

14) St Louis Rams - Julio Jones, WR, Alabama

Rams fans get the guy they've wanted to pair with QB Sam Bradford. Literally the happiest anyone has ever been to interact with a guy named "Julio".

15) Miami Dolphins - Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas

I could not be less confident with a selection. Dolphins fans, including myself, really want a QB...which history dictates will lead the Dolphins to selecting a lineman. FML.

16) Jacksonville Jaguars - Aldon Smith, DE, Missouri

I keep hearing people call Aldon Smith a "freak of nature". For once, I would love one of these players to misread that phrase as an insult and go berzerk.

17) New England Patriots - Anthony Castonzo, OT, Boston

Just when you thought your team had a shot to tear Tom Brady's wig off, they draft more talented lineman help. Sigh.

18) San Diego Chargers - Gabe Carimi, OT, Wisconsin

It's a run on offensive tackles! In my mind's eye, Gabe Carimi has an italian accent and just uses his last name to describe the texture of ice cream.

19) New York Giants - Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama

Giants fans, with their stadium 10 minutes from my house, have an excuse to high five and fist pump, yelling, "We gots In-grum!" I can't wait.

20) Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Ryan Kerrigan, DE, Purdue

The Bucs would trade up to get a great player, but as is the case at the 20 spot, someone will drop right into their laps. I miss the creamsicle uniforms.

21) Kansas City Chiefs - Akeem Ayers, OLB, UCLA

The first player taken slightly early. Very exciting! Not because of the selection, but because we get to hear Herm Edwards comment on the pick for the team he destroyed.

22) Indianapolis Colts - Mike Pouncey, C, Florida

People are speculating the Colts will draft a quarterback to become the heir apparent to Manning. Not. Bloody. Likely.

23) Philadelphia Eagles - Derrick Sherrod, OT, Mississippi

Who knew there were so many tackles rated this high? Why am I excited for this draft again?

24) New Orleans Saints - DaQuan Bowers, DE, Clemson

This guy fell in the draft and the Saints have become one of the smartest organizations in football, so they nab a gem here. Can you believe the Saints are good? I still can't!

25) Seattle Seahawks - Christian Ponder, QB, Florida State

Ponder is a QB I think could be the best player in this entire draft. That said, his haircut is simply awful. What the hell are you thinking, Christian?

26) Baltimore Ravens - Nate Solder, OT, Colorado

Ravens are surprised to get a player this good this late. By this point I have slipped into an offensive tackle-induced coma.

27) Atlanta Falcons - Kyle Rudolph, TE, Notre Dame

Matt Ryan likes tight ends. Tony Gonzalez is likely in his final year in the NFL. Damn, why couldn't I just leave that first sentence? That would have colored this pick differently.

28) New England Patriots - Mikel Leshoure, RB, Illinois

Patriots get arguably the best rusher in the draft, which makes the rest of America look at the sky and ask why God hates them.

29) Chicago Bears - Jimmy Smith, CB, Colorado

Jay Cutler will look apathetically up at his television screen during this pick before he goes back to sulking and stealing other people's girlfriends.

30) New York Jets - Cameron Heyward, DE, Ohio State

The ghost of Gholston is silenced with this pick. Great feet on this prospect. Great feet.

31) Pittsburgh Steelers - Ben Ijalana, OL, Villanova

Steelers need to continue to upgrade their offensive line to push women out of bathrooms frequented by Big Ben.

32) Green Bay Packers - Muhammed Wilkerson, DE, Temple

Aaron Rodgers will be praying the Packers go defense here and they do. Muhammed? Temple? There's a religious joke in there somewhere but I won't touch it with a ten foot pole.

That should wrap it up. I did way more than my usual 2 minutes of research for this column, so I am spent. After the draft we will do a review and assess how completely awful my predictions were. Have a good Easter, folks.

ZCD Podcast Episode 005: "Fear And Loathing In Atlantic City!"

In episode 5, Jordan and Taylor are joined by Matt Byun to discuss their lost weekend of crazed debauchery in Atlantic City. Gambling addictions, fights with waiters, Go Kart mishaps, legendary drinking games, toll booth failures...this one's got it all, folks. Plus, "HooAh or Hate" with some of the best moments from the trip! Pop the hangover aspirin and take a listen!!!

Jeff Van Gundy's Blank Stare Can See Directly Into Your Soul

Quick! Clear your mind so he can't read your thoughts!!!

Nice Ones, Chad

Apologies for the site inactivity lately. We are working towards more content and this is the lull that must come as a result.

That said...THIS guy is my favorite team's quarterback. Thanks to TMZ:

Good to see that the labor dispute has not disrupted Chad Henne's intense workout regimine. I'd say that does not bode well for the long term prospects of the Miami Dolphins. If they don't draft a QB in this upcoming draft, I may have to run headfirst into a boulder.

Nice Play

My favorite play of the Magic's defeat of the Heat, where they came back from down 24 for one of the biggest wins of the season:

ZCD Podcast Episode 004: "Romance!"

In episode 4, Jordan and Taylor toss on the cologne, pick up the roses, and bring out the roofalin to discuss what they know best: Romance! Listen to them explain why romantic comedies stink, and what married smooth talk sounds like! Plus, "HooAh or Hate" with romance novels and "setting the mood" music! Hubba hubba!!!

A VERY Heavy Bertation Tonight

Wow.

Real Life Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Van!

My search for a dream car is over.

You may be familiar with this:



Behold...the real life incarnation! Some college girl named Brittney was obsessed with playing with her cousin's Ninja Turtle toys, so she decided to make her own true to life Ninja Turtle van playset. This is an unbelievable use of time, money, and smarts, which will have every pimply, nostalgic nerd chasing this thing like a greyhound. Apparently the inside is laid out with turtle toys as well, pushing this thing straight from "Oh that's kinda cool" to "Holy crap, why isn't this in a museum?"

Foot clan, watch your asses.

No Super Bowl Can Equal This

Eddie House Has Cajones

In case you missed it, here is Eddie House's game winner over the Thunder.

Screw that, we all know what you came to see. Here is Eddie House's bizarre "I have big testicles" dance after his gammer winner over the Thunder:

Jay Cutler Blah Blah Blah Jay Cutler Blah Blah Blah

One of those Monday mornings where everyone seems to have a frown on their face. There is no reason to be unhappy as long as there are signs like this around:


Anyhoo, all anyone seems to be talking about lately is Bears QB Jay Cutler letting down his team in the playoffs by not playing through the pain of a hurt knee.

Look, we all know Cutler is a jerk in real life, as his pompous personal and girlfriend-stealing abilities are legendary, but the one thing he can do is play through the pain.

I use, as my only basis whatsoever for backing up this statement, this video:

His expression upon getting hit says it all: "I have a flabby face and body." Actually, I don't know his face said that, but it is what I read.

Brand New Podcast Episode Is Coming Tonight!

Hark! Hear ye, hear ye! A brand new Zombies Can Dunk podcast is coming tonight!



Mothers, hide your daughters.

We Need More Tracy Morgan In Sports

Olsen Twins Pizza Song Will Infect Your Dreams

Been slow in the sports world in this week between playoff football games, so the site has had a decidedly "entertain-y" feel to it lately. I like it. Makes me feel like a man.

Here is an Olsen Twins song slowed down. It actually sounds way better than the original pile of crap, and I love that one kid who bugs out his eyes and says, "Whipped cream falls like waterfalls!!!" Warning: listen to this more than once and it will be stuck in your brain until you are forced to take a drill to your head.

Best Thing Ever: Super There Will Be Blood!

This is so awesome, it drinks all of our milkshakes.

Credit to Franklin Zitter for finding this!

Dolphins Select New Offensive Coordinator/Ruin My Life

The Miami Dolphins are a frustrating team.

Not frustrating in the, "This team gets on my nerves from time to time" sense.

Something in the realm of, "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DOING WHY THEY ARE DOING? DO THEY WANT ALL OF THE FANS TO RISE UP, RIOT, AND TAKE CONTROL OF THIS TEAM THEMSELVES?! I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE JUST TANYA HARDING-ED MY KNEES AND I'M ON THE FLOOR MOANING 'WHYYYYYYYY' LIKE NANCY KERRIGAN!!!!!" sense.

The latest in their unending wish to give me a premature death consists of hiring former Cleveland Browns Offensive Coordinator Brian Daboll. The Dolphins, you see, had one of the worst offenses in the league last year (30th out of 32 teams in points per game). There were only two teams worse, Cleveland (31st) and Carolina (32nd). Steven Ross, the unbelievably moronic owner of the Dolphins who has made the team a laughingstock by recruiting part-owners Fergie and J. Lo. and failing to lure Jim Harbaugh to coach the team, sent out a message to fans that he would bring an "electrifying offense" to this team in 2011.

Then, he parted ways with his 30th-ranked Offensive Coordinator and got the 31st-ranked one.

Yes.

I'm not making that up.

That really happened.

I want to let that sink in for a second. It's like getting rid of an employee for not showing up to work on time and replacing him with a person who lives on the other side of the planet. It's like firing a person for being too annoying and replacing them with Kathy Lee Gifford.

It's like firing someone for doing a horrible, horrible job at work, has the fans up in arms, was so universally scorned and derided that there was no choice but to "mutually part ways with the team"...and then finding one of the only two people in the entire world worse at doing it. Yeah...it's exactly like that last one.

Now, I'm a "bright side of things" type of guy. In order to put a smiley face on all of this, I am now looking forward to seeing just how far this Titanic of a team will sink. I'm taking my emotions out of the equation and grabbing a bag of popcorn to watch the horror unfold. Will their choice for Quarterback Coach be a parrot? Will they attempt to replace struggling Quarterback Chad Henne with Andy Dick? Is John Candy's corpse in any way involved with team philosophy? In my opinion, it's all gravy, because if I can't enjoy a winning team I at least want a laughably bad one. That middle ground of a 7-9, 8-8, or 9-7 record is the true purgatory, so I'm now just hoping they either sink like a stone or somehow (miracle of all miracles) are good.

So here's hoping for a successful train trip, or a spectacularly entertaining and explosive train wreck. With this hire, you can already hear the wheels sliding off the tracks.

The Least Surprising News From Last Night

This Dog Is A Badass

Note the way it totally knocks the crap out of this kid and steals his sled. I want this dog.

Nate Robinson Has Ups/Is An Idiot

I don't know how I missed this because I was watching the game, but I could watch this on loop for hours.

Here is the Celtics' Nate Robinson trying to celebrate a great play from Paul Pierce against the Knicks, only to wind up looking like one of his 1800 tries in his annual dunk contest debacle.

Big thanks to reader DJ Aphlatoon for the link.



Happy 2011 folks. I literally had to ask my wife what year it was before I wrote that.