Blog Roundup Time: Photos Of Dirk And Nash = Fun

Hey, Magic forward Rashard Lewis, take some time out from your busy schedule of making kids at medieval times fight for your autograph to check out some of the best the web has to offer!

Allan Houston won't die! (True Hoop)

KG vs. Bennie The Bull is a true clash of the titans (The Sports Hernia)

My favorite photo of Steve Nash and Dirk ever. Love the cowboy hats, gents. (Free Darko)

Jaric's girlfriend replaces Anna Benson as my favorite sports celeb significant other (Yahoo! Sports Blog) 

That's it for this week. Maybe you'll have better luck getting Carlos Arroyo's autograph, kids.

Pinpointing The Moment The Rockets Lost Their Mojo

There have been a lot of differing opinions on what finally killed the Austin Powers-esque mojo of the Rockets during their previous huge win streak.  Some said it was them coming back to earth during life without Yao.  Others say it was the inevitability of a team losing eventually in a tough NBA climate.

I, on the other hand, think the exact moment the Rockets realized everything that they touched would NOT turn to gold was this:

I would feel worse for that guy if he didn't have that chinstrap beard. You get what you deserve, chinstrap beard man.

Ben Gordon Likes Him Some Tea And Crumpets

If this upcoming Olympics is any indication, apparently there are a bunch of quality players in the NBA who are British.  

Yeah, I didn't believe it either when I read it. 

 Besides John Amaechi, who almost no one had heard of before he came out as the first openly gay basketball player, I had no idea British people even knew what a basketball was.  I envisioned them changing the channel from NBA games to the live coverage of British Parliament while they ate various jams on toast and plotted nefarious ways to put a stamp tax on America once again.

 

Turns out I was wrong.  Right about now is when Paul Revere hops on his horse and starts yelling, "THE BRITISH ARE COMING!"  Word is that Ben Gordon will join Bulls teammate Luol Deng on the British national team for the 2012 Olympics.  Yes...the same Ben Gordon and Luol Deng who have absolutely no accents and probably have never even heard of cricket.  Turns out Ben Gordon was born in England and then taken to America at a very young age.  Meanwhile, Deng moved to England as a youngster to escape conflict in his homeland of Sudan. I like these sort of fun loopholes that allow NBA players who wouldn't play for US

A basketball to compete in the Olympics.  Next up: Mike Miller to play for the French national team simply because his hair looks dirty and he probably smells like cigarettes!

Almost all of the other players on the British Olympic Basketball Team are kids in American universities, but we wouldn't be surprised to see another NBA player hop in there while there is time left.  Heck, if I wasn't so damn patriotic I'd try out for them myself.  I can't lie: I would be doing it entirely for the off chance of getting close enough to Hugh Grant to kick him in the balls. 

We Tell You What To Watch: Week of April 1 - 6

To recap the last week:
Baseball season is quickly upon us. I'm desperately trying to keep calm and not reach for the razor blades in the drawer at the sound of Karl Ravech's voice.

Here's some great games to help you forget that your framed Mister Mister album above your bed is telling you to do things.

3) Raptors at Nets (Saturday, April 5)

Last year, this was as interesting as an opening round Eastern Conference playoff series could be. A year later, Toronto has been sputtering and stalling, yet will fall ass-backwards into a playoff spot. Meanwhile, Philly of all teams is actually on a roll and will likely overtake the Raptors and maybe even the still-Gilbertless Wizards. New Jersey is trying to say that they're at least better than Atlanta. Oh man, but aren't we glad that we've got Vinsanity locked up for a billion years and that the new stadium is going to be so pretty!

2) Lakers at Kings (Sunday, April 6)

Things have mostly been quiet this season when it comes to the Tru Wariar, Ron Artest, since Sacramento has been out of the picture for the while. There's still some time left for him to make some noise by clotheslining Kobe, or at the very least, Sasha Vujacic.

1) Spurs at Jazz (Friday, April 4, ESPN)

Mehmet "Teen Wolf" Okur is back as the Jazz are fine tuning themselves for another post-season run and the defending champs have looked beatable all year despite currently sitting in the second seed slot. It's another one of those games that, depending upon how you look at it, means everything or absolutely nothing. It's not like there's any wrinkles both teams are trying to hide from the opposition at this point, so they might as well go all out. Just gotta cross your fingers that you don't blink when Manu's got the ball and that Boozer's thigh doesn't explode from too much HGH. All I know is that I have joygasms every time I watch Deron Williams play.

The Triumphant Return Of The Stephon Marbury Interview Video

A while back Stephon Marbury was on the New York-area television program "Mike'D Up", and recorded one of the best interviews in television history. It was an interview that included:

-Stephon telling the interviewer to hold on while he checked who was calling his cell phone.
-A bizarre reference to predicting he will average "12-13 dimes...2-3 assists..."
-One of the creepier ways anyone has ever said, "If you believe it, you can achieve it."
-Stephon saying he shoots to win!...not to win the championship trophy (which he says he doesn't care about, and calls "shiny stuff")
-And much more! The end of the interview just devolves into Stephon dancing and yelling.

Well, this priceless interview (and many, many others) were yanked from the internet by Stephon's agent to help him save his image a while back. Since then Marbury was banned from Madison Square Garden amongst other crazy things, so his agent had his hands full to the point of not being able to police the internet. This all adds up to the return of this interview to the eagerly waiting eyes of the public.

Enjoy!

Choose Your Own Adventure THF Style!

News that flew under the radar this week was that Sonics chairman, Clay Bennett, is willing to leave behind the team name, logo, colors and history after it's certain move to Oklahoma City in order to try and retain some shred of integrity. Logically, this means that the franchise will have to come up with an entirely new name, logo, and color set. Since I'm always a fan of cut-and-paste, I'm going to get the ball rolling a little early with 5 options Oklahomans/Oklahomaers (what is the proper word for someone from Oklahoma City btw?) might like.

1) Clay(s) - Taking a page from the Robert Johnson "How To Build A Middling Franchise" book, you could choose to name your team after your owner for no reason but vanity. You don't need to choose any crazy color schemes; just throw George Costanza-esque Body Suit Man unitards on the players and they're a shockingly revealing, yet aerodynamic troupe. You wouldn't even need a mascot, just a pile of mud...which would be used to female wrestling matches during halftime.

2) 5 Diamonds - In honor of this blog's favorite call girl to the governor, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, I present the Oklahoma City 5 Diamonds. They don't possess the gaudy highlight film athletic abilities of the 7 Diamonds, but they still push the ball hard, spread you out in the half court, and then pound it inside with the big man. They know how to have sex for money is what I'm saying. Naturally, all of the franchise history will be made up, but this will only help in assuring its fans that this is a classy operation. Also, tickets will cost in excess of $4,000 per quarter. Don't ask any questions, just leave the money on the night stand and relax.

3) 66'ers - *I'm actually being kind of serious here!* Oklahoma City grew to prominence partly because of having the famous Rte. 66 pass through it. That's all that's worth mentioning when it comes to Oklahoma City anyways. It would be in poor taste to bring up the bombing in '95 (but not hookers and men in flesh-colored unitards) so this is all that's left. That or you could embrace the blandness and homogeneity and name the team "The Oklahoma City Whole Lotta White Folk!"

4) Bible Thumpers - Oh yeah, I totally forgot Oklahoma is a red state! This is trendy considering that the election is coming up. Acknowledging that God is on this team's side will prove to be a difference maker when attracting big time stars to the Ninth Circle of Hell/adorable Midwest. No need to go far when looking for logos. Just choose the retired logo of the XFL's Memphis Maniax.


5) Funk - If the team from Utah can call itself the Jazz, then Oklahoma City can call itself something just as ludicrous.

Memphis Solidifies Itself As Some Sort Of NBA Bad Decision Fantasyland

When the Grizzlies traded Pau Gasol for a pile of dirty laundry and some pocket lint this season, most NBA fans smacked their forehead in anger (everyone except Lakers fans, who rubbed their hands together and hid their "dark period" Clippers jerseys). The Grizzlies had once again messed up royally, helping out other franchises and dooming their own.

Well, America's favorite bad decision team (not named the Bucks) is at it again! Word from the New York Post is that the Grizzlies are targeting Larry Brown to be their next head coach. Apparently highly-touted coach Marc Iavaroni isn't meshing well with the players, so they are already looking for a replacement.

Hmmm...their current coach isn't meshing well with the team's players...so they are looking at bringing in Larry Brown. Brilliant! It's like trying to save a burning orphanage by throwing kegs of gasoline into it!

So how will Larry Brown work out with the Grizz, should they decide to go that route? Well, sometimes to see into the future, we need to look to the past. What were some of the other more important decisions the team has made in the past decade?

-They tried to establish an NBA franchise in Vancouver.

-Picked two of America's favorite colors for their expansion jerseys in "crap brown" and teal...It should be noted that the team officially calls this color "Naismith Blue". Can you hear him spinning in his grave, because I can!

-Drafted Bryant "Big Country" Reeves, possibly my favorite draft pick ever up to this point. It's like the organization threw out trying to find a face to market the franchise with and said, "Look, we ain't paying a franchise player AND a janitor. Let's consolidate here, people!"

-Signed Darko Milicic to a contract worth more than 5 dollars. Not. Smart.

-Drafted Shareef Abdur Rahim. Yep.

-Tried to establish an NBA franchise in Memphis.

Wow. I literally had to rip my hands from the keyboard to not continue with that list. If this move is anything like the team's past moves, this could be a trainwreck...and thus also be highly entertaining. Stay Tuned!