Friday, March 28, 2008

Choose Your Own Adventure THF Style!

News that flew under the radar this week was that Sonics chairman, Clay Bennett, is willing to leave behind the team name, logo, colors and history after it's certain move to Oklahoma City in order to try and retain some shred of integrity. Logically, this means that the franchise will have to come up with an entirely new name, logo, and color set. Since I'm always a fan of cut-and-paste, I'm going to get the ball rolling a little early with 5 options Oklahomans/Oklahomaers (what is the proper word for someone from Oklahoma City btw?) might like.

1) Clay(s) - Taking a page from the Robert Johnson "How To Build A Middling Franchise" book, you could choose to name your team after your owner for no reason but vanity. You don't need to choose any crazy color schemes; just throw George Costanza-esque Body Suit Man unitards on the players and they're a shockingly revealing, yet aerodynamic troupe. You wouldn't even need a mascot, just a pile of mud...which would be used to female wrestling matches during halftime.

2) 5 Diamonds - In honor of this blog's favorite call girl to the governor, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, I present the Oklahoma City 5 Diamonds. They don't possess the gaudy highlight film athletic abilities of the 7 Diamonds, but they still push the ball hard, spread you out in the half court, and then pound it inside with the big man. They know how to have sex for money is what I'm saying. Naturally, all of the franchise history will be made up, but this will only help in assuring its fans that this is a classy operation. Also, tickets will cost in excess of $4,000 per quarter. Don't ask any questions, just leave the money on the night stand and relax.

3) 66'ers - *I'm actually being kind of serious here!* Oklahoma City grew to prominence partly because of having the famous Rte. 66 pass through it. That's all that's worth mentioning when it comes to Oklahoma City anyways. It would be in poor taste to bring up the bombing in '95 (but not hookers and men in flesh-colored unitards) so this is all that's left. That or you could embrace the blandness and homogeneity and name the team "The Oklahoma City Whole Lotta White Folk!"

4) Bible Thumpers - Oh yeah, I totally forgot Oklahoma is a red state! This is trendy considering that the election is coming up. Acknowledging that God is on this team's side will prove to be a difference maker when attracting big time stars to the Ninth Circle of Hell/adorable Midwest. No need to go far when looking for logos. Just choose the retired logo of the XFL's Memphis Maniax.

5) Funk - If the team from Utah can call itself the Jazz, then Oklahoma City can call itself something just as ludicrous.


The Sports Hernia on March 29, 2008 at 11:47 AM said...

I'm going with the Oklahoma City Jackrabbits.

Where is Oklahoma City anyway, do planes fly there?

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