Friday, May 30, 2008

Chicago Hires A Different Coach Collins

Rumors that the Chicago Bulls had completed their search for a new coach were proven correct. After a terrifying week of submitting himself and the entire staff of the franchise to Scarface-levels of blow and murder clips from American Psycho...

...owner, Jerry Reinsdorf, settled on which late 1980's pop star to lead team to championship contention: Phil Collins.

"Of course we would have preferred bringing back Phil Jackson, but he's a little busy actually winning. As I was hacking one of our video scouts to pieces with an ax to the accompaniment of U2, it dawned on me that we were sitting on a land mine of untapped coaching talent! We interviewed Huey Lewis, Whitney Houston, and Corey Hart as well. Lewis was at one point our first choice, but after we were informed that The News would not join him on the sideline we quickly moved on."

Players' reactions to the news were mixed. "I heard he's got a weed bus and a non-weed bus just like Outkast!" Joakim Noah explained. Brit, Ben Gordon, was happy to have another countryman leading the team, but explained, "Guys like Tyrus Thomas are going to have a tough time fitting in because he sucks at playing the the electric drums."

Collins, when reached for comment said, "What the fuck?!?!?!?!"


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