Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Hanes Commercials: Michael Jordan's True Legacy

Over the Memorial Day holiday, I was talking with friend of the site Rantin' John about how my neighbor in New York City is Kevin Bacon. He wisely remarked that although he is revered, Kevin Bacon's career has had a pretty meteoric fall. He described it well:

"Your neighbor Mr. Bacon has gone from having a trendy board game named after him and starring in blockbuster movies to looking like a goof while he shoots paper into a garbage bin in Hanes underwear commercials with Michael Jordan. I give it 5 years at most before he tries to revive his career with an ill-fated NBC sitcom."

Cuba Gooding Jr., who currently stars in the latest "I'M WEARING YOUR UNDERWEAR!" debacle, is even more of a step down on the fame ladder for Michael Jordan to act with. Can't get much worse than that, right? Right?!

Every time you ask yourself that, the answer is inevitably Charlie Sheen. Yes, kiddies, Michael Jordan's newest Hanes costar will be none other than the hooker-frequenting Estevez-brothered Hot-Shots-Part-Deux-starring man about town. At what point does Jordan look into his own reflection in the roulette wheel and think to himself, "What am I DOING? I'm the biggest star the NBA ever HAD!" Maybe the script was good?

No. It wasn't.

The leaked script for this commercial reads as follows:

One spot, called "Phone Toss," shows Sheen running up to Jordan's car as he is exiting a hotel and telling Jordan that someone turned him on to the new Hanes Lay Flat Collar Undershirt. He suggests Jordan do the same, not realizing that he's already wearing one. As Jordan starts to drive away, Sheen keeps talking, inviting Jordan to dinner and asking for his phone number. Jordan is finally forced to drive away, prompting Sheen to throw his phone in the back seat of Jordan's convertible and asking to call him.

Wow. Shakespeare just rolled over in his grave, along with the inventor of television, the inventor of the written word, and the inventor of undershirts (who I would like to think is named 'Baron Von Oondresherrt" or something). At least Fruit Of The Loom had those guys in the fruit costumes...a sizable step up in the class department.

MJ, for our sakes, end this charade before you wind up acting next to that alien that was in that movie "Mac And Me". That thing just freaked me out.


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