Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Jay-Z Finally Comes Out From Behind The Curtain

First off, congrats to the Chicago Bulls for defying the odds (the 1.7 percent chance odds) to win the 2008 NBA lottery. This team, who already appears to be better than their 33-49 record with Hinrich, Hughes, Gordon, Deng, Noah, Tyrus Thomas, and Drew Gooden, can now officially add Derrick Rose or Michael Beasley. It's like a great fantasy basketball team, minus any actual field goal percentage or assist stats. Meanwhile, somewhere Pat Riley is smoking a cigar and cackling about how he got out at just the right time while Miami sits at spot #2.

-But more important than the Bulls winning was today, May 20th 2008, marked the day that the Nets officially became cool. They've always been sorta fun, with their mascot Sly the Fox and Vince Carter taking ill-advised halfcourt three pointers for no reason whatsoever, but Jay-Z finally came out of hiding and embraced his role as team owner.

Tonight Jay-Z appeared at the lottery and smiled awkwardly amongst the people who were simply amazed to see him. Half looked at him and said, "That's the legendary Jay-Z. This is quite bizarre. I guess he is stepping up as the Nets owner." The other half thought, "Beyonce is engaged to THAT guy? Man, he MUST be talented and rich." Regardless, one thing that was assured with his coming out party? That reporters will slowly but surely kill off the entire Jay-Z catalog of songs with smarmy references to them:

You can see the reporter's mind turning, thinking "I'm going to make a reference to his song '99 problems'...this is going to be COMIC GOLD!" Thus is life as Jay-Z, seeing morons butcher your lyrics and having to grin and bear it. It's only a matter of time before a dorky Steve Berthume-type sports anchor says, "With a win tonight, the Nets were truly 'Big Pimpin'". Whomever says this must be immediately executed.


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