Monday, June 29, 2009

Dwight Howard Is Losing His Mind

Many of you have already seen this, but Dwight Howard was handed a puppet by a reporter and asked if he deserved his own instead of Lebron.  What followed was pure comic bliss as the puppet interviewed Howard, including asking point blank about the two free throws that cost the Magic a game in the finals and about 20 years off of my life.

Enjoy.  When it comes out 10 years from now that Dwight had multiple personalities like Hershel Walker, you'll feel guilty for having laughed at this:

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Live Bloggin'

9:29 Report from the AP: Larry Brown is already frustrated with Gerald Henderson and is calling around looking for buyers.

9:25 Other notable 19th picks: A man named Tiny and common criminals.... We'll see you in court Teague!

9:22 Roy Williams is texting recruits: If you commit to this program I will get you drafted WAY too high.

9:13 And the 8 PPG dynamo fell this far?!?!?!?!

9:08 Jay's guest commentary: James Johnson??? A big guy who isn't physical enough to play the four and doesn't have the skill set to play the 3 at an NBA level? How can my team draft Marcus Fizer twice in my lifetime? I demand reparations.

9:08 Is it national Prince day? Why is everyone wearing purple?

9:02 Is Daye Prince's cousin with a dentist?

9:00 Jay: The Bulls should pick Blair just for retaliation against Rondo or Mullins to fill the hole that's been missing since Armstrong left....
Me: I think they could use one more forward

8:55 Wait, is Phoenix trying to get all the guys from Golden State?! Awesome!

8:50 Wait, I was just kidding! I didn't really mean that you should draft Jeff Foster Part Deux! Has anyone noticed that his highlight reel is him falling? Best "Must Improve" of the night: Finish above the rim.

8:45 Wait, you were right...Henderson is funnier. Clippers East, you've outdone yourselves once again.


8:40 BEST SUIT OF THE NIGHT goes to Terrence Williams. It's Johnny Cash meets Silver Surfer. But how will LeBron enjoy playing with him (I can dream right?)

8:37 Still trying to figure out why Orlando made this trade....

8:27 Bosh, I will help you pack your bags.

8:25 I fully expect Rachel Nichols to drop dead from the cigarette breath emitting from Donnie Walsh's mouth.


8:21 This marks the 10th time tonight that I've said, "Earl Clark would be a good pick at this point." I am a sports genius.

8:18 Dell Curry has that look that says, " you see my wife? I mean just look at that!"

8:14 Dr. Spaceman says: Johnny Flynn's entire body stopped growing when he broke a growth plate in his ankle. Also, there's no way of knowing where the human heart is.

8:05 Surprisingly, no one looks upset to go where they're going so far. Also, this is probably the most interesting point of the night. What's this fly by night franchise going to do for their second pick?

8:00 Old man rant: If you want to "Market Yourself" why pull your hat over your face?

7:52 Not much to say right now except that I LOVE THE BOW TIE AND BEARD!

7:43 Why do I think that in the Memphis war room they're just picking names out of a hat? No matter who they get, it won't work.

7:40 Is it just me or is Griffin dressed like how I think old school brothel owners dress?

7:36 Are they seriously on the clock? Do I sense some last second hesitation? How do you feel about DeMar DeRozan?

7:33pm So I just ran out of work like a donkey eating a waffle and I'm sitting in a bar with the college of adviser of Jordan and I. Away we go....

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

All Spelling Bees Should Be This Way

I could watch this video all day.  One day all spelling errors will coincide with Hedo jumping in from out of nowhere and saying some witty comment.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

It's Crappy Logo Retro Time! Crappy Logo Retro Time!

When you look at a logo and say, "Okay, this thing is dated and pretty much sucks ass", and then you change it...there is obviously no logical reason to go back to the one that sucked right?  9 out of 10 3-year olds would say, "yes!" and then proudly soil themselves.
Well, the Philly 76ers just unveiled their new logo, which is actually their old logo. 

This was an amazing idea to someone who does the following:

1) Plays with rare, albino white basketballs, which were long thought extinct.

2) Prefers their fonts boring and simple, just the way God intended 'em.

3) Has a major gambling problem, which only slot machine-esque red 7s can assuage.

To everyone else, this is just ugly and extremely...I'm sorry Philly fans...Clippers-esque.  It smacks of a team that lacks the drive and creativity to come up with something visually exciting to get their fan base excited again.  At least UPDATE the old logo.  Give the ball a shadow or something.  This looks like a big Mento.

This is especially infuriating to me because no one has taken my suggestion for an NBA logo:

Monday, June 22, 2009

Now I Know Where To Get All Of My Sports News

In what could only be described as a stroke of genius, a site called Fantasy Sports Girl has decided that pretty much anyone can read the damn news off of a cue card, so why not just have all sports news read by pretty girls?  All newscasters are doing is reading the words that some other poor schlub wrote and passing it off as their own anyways.  Plus, watching the news being given this way also adds the pulse pounding excitement of whether a supermodel with the IQ of 8 will be able to correctly pronounce a name like "Gerald Wallace", which is a solid 3 syllables over their typical "Duh" statements.  How can you not love this?

This particular girl employs the "stick my hand in my jeans and shimmy my hips from side to side" method that made Andersen Cooper so popular.  Tell me you didn't watch her say "Nor were able to make their usual mid-April tee times." and think that as soon as they said, "Cut" she had to ask someone what they meant.  Then, you know she said something like, "Why do they need tea times?  They aren't in London."

See how I worked the London reference in there because I'm currently there?  Sha-BAM!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Off To London!

I knew that union jack tattoo across my chest would come in handy.

Black and Blue Jor here, writing for the last time in the states for a while as I am off to London for work (insert John Amaechi joke here). I'll be writing from there for a month, so in addition to fun NBA coverage I'll be sure to update you on the status of the world's meat pies and demon barbers. If I don't come back with horrendous teeth and a tendency to call people "wankers" I will be sorely disappointed.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Lakers Get Their Riot On

That was the scene in L.A. as the folks ran around like they were getting chased by the Cloverfield monster. Instead, this time it was jackasses throwing bottles and trash cans through the windows of stores. If you know anyone who did such a stupid act of vandalism, I encourage you to please throw a trash can through one of their windows. -Or, just sleep with their wife/girlfriend. When they chance upon you both in bed, you can say, "Sorry bro. I couldn't find a trash can."

Monday, June 15, 2009

The 2009 NBA Playoff Awards

Although my Magic fell short, it was an absolutely amazing NBA playoffs this year. There were tons and tons of surprises, which made things interesting. Who would have thought I would find the Lakers, a traditionally cocky jackass team, to be a substantially classier team than the Celtics, a traditionally...well...CLASSY team? Who would have seen the Bulls giving a good run for a while there? Who would have possibly seen Nuggets actually amounting to anything past the regular season? Let's take a look at the playoffs as a whole, and dish out some awards as we do so.

Most unstoppable award: Kobe Bryant

Sure, Lebron got all of the hype and the MVP award, but Bryant was the king of the "Oh my God how did he possibly make that shot while getting fouled by three people and getting kicked in the balls by the mascot"shot.

Biggest "where did they come from" award: Chicago Bulls

The Bulls were a team that everyone wrote off from the get-go. How could you NOT write them off when they had two of the most overhyped collegiate players in Noah and Tyrus Thomas? By the end, Vinny Del Negro looked like a superhero, instead of someone whose name translated into spanish as "Vinny Of Black".

Most irritating award: That Heineken "Just A Friend" Commercial

God Dammit. This piece of crap played during every commercial. Yes, we get it. You should let an old guy drive you and your blonde friend (with a noticable underbite) home when you drink. You should sing a song by Biz Markie. I wonder how many taxi drivers are pissed off on a daily basis by college kids singing this in the back of their car and trying to be cute.

Were they in the playoffs? award: The Atlanta Hawks

Yes. Believe it or not they were in the playoffs. They actually got to the second round (technically). I don't remember it either.

Guy you could not believe was not suspended more award: Rafer Alston

Every time they went to commercial, TNT flashed Rafer Alston touching the refs in what appeared to be an inappropriate manner. Touching their bald heads, brushing off their shoulders, and even slapping their asses for a good call (yep, it happened). Remind me to never ref a game with Skip To My Lou, lest my tender butt be violated.

Most reliable death-toll for a team: Turkoglu doing anything cocky.

With the exception of that final shot to win the game against the Sixers, every time that Hedo would hit a big shot and do something cocky the Magic would lose. It happened against the Cavs, the Celtics, and the Lakers, all in games in which the other team came back to win with barely any time left. By the Lakers series, when I saw Turk laughing at the sky after hitting a big shot, it was automatic for every Magic fan in attendance to leave early to beat the traffic.

Most annoying coverage: The overwhelming Birdman coverage

By the end of the Nuggets series with the Lakers, I was almost rooting against the underdog just to end the millions of Birdman clips and stories. What, the media couldn't write about the sheer amount of sweat on Nene?

And finally...

The THF award for most ridiculous media coverage: The Denver Nuggets

Convoluted discussion on Birdman's tattoos, The WWE feud with Vince McMahon, the epic Mark Cuban-Kenyon Martin fiasco...this was a team that somehow brought insanity everywhere they went. You can almost see David Stern sweating through every series they had, hoping they would lose before one of the players came out with an underground prostitution ring or something (I'm looking at you, Linus Kleiza). Bravo, Nuggets, bravo.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Jennings: Rubio can lick my balls

Of course that was Jared Jennings from this hostel over here, but the real Brandon Jennings has said as much according to And since I'm a little....tired....I have two words for the Oak Hill Academy alum: Jeff McInnis.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Jordan Farmar Found A Way To Look More Doofy

Jordan Farmar is already pretty silly-looking, skipping as he brings the ball up the court and riding air currents on his dumbo-like ears. When I heard that some pretty playboy playmate person (say that three times fast) had Jordan Farmar on her gaming show in E3, I knew it would mean fun. What could be more fun than a doofy guy trying to sound cool in front of a playmate when talking about video games?

Answer: That same doofy guy spastically stretching his arms and legs in a strange-looking game simulation.

Wow, remind me to never play that game.

Captain America To The Rescue!

Sooooooooo there's a place in Dublin called Captain America's that's got tons of murals like this up and it's the place for high schoolers to go and get tipsy while people like me sing karaoke "Caribbean Queen" to them but stop mid-sentence because they switch the TVs to the NBA Finals....and I'm drunk enough to say that this game is fixed on the mic.....first thought: Tiger Woods' wife is the luckiest chick in the world....second thought: Canadian detectives look like band members of Incubus....third thought: this doesn't look good...night night ya'll blondie on my neck....

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Aloha From Dublin Pt. 2

So here I am with my stewardess from my flight and my boy, Jason in Dublin! Somewhere to the left the remainder of the first half is playing and we're demanding that Michael Pietrus shoot the open threes simply to impress the chick out of frame with the big tits. I'm just happy to learn that it's 2-1 at this point and that I'll be back in the states for the final game. And as my boy Ronnie told me, "Yo, my bookie told me that this is going 7 games since Stern wants a long series...."

PS I just read that Tim Donaghy had his knee damaged by his roommie with "a paint rolling stick" back in November. Obviously the guy's a loser if he's getting his ass kicked by a paint brush. Reminds me of my neighbor in my freshman year who had his anal virginity stolen from him by his roommie who was tripping and thought that he was the second coming of Picasso and his roommie's bum hole was his canvas....night night ya'll

THF Welcomes New Sponsor: SportsBetting3.Com!

The Howeva Files is extremely proud to welcome sponsor SportsBetting3.Com!

Let me just say that there are few things better in this life than betting on sports. Evidence? Almost every single time I view Dwight Howard doing something good (which is a lot since I'm a Magic fan and watch all of their games), I will find the first person I know and proudly tell them the following:

"I won $40 in a bet when I said that the Magic would pick Dwight Howard over Emeka Okafor in the 2004 NBA Draft."

Obviously, this is completely useless information, especially for anyone who isn't me or my fatter wallet. -Still, the pride and glory that came to me on that faithful day will live on in memory forever, primarily because of the cash I ripped out of the feeble hands of the old man I bet with. Emeka Okafor? C'mon now.

If you'd like the same feeling of honor, joy, and merriment please visit SportsBetting3.Com. You're sure to have a good time.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Not Just ANYONE Can Do NBA Interviews, People!

I am not certain what "" is, but if these interviews are any indication then they will be fodder for many, many foolish youtube videos in the future. The ingredients are all there:

-Young valley girl talking about basketball? Check

-Asking NBA players who they like in a best of 7 series, when the Lakers are already up 2-0 and looking dominant? Check

-Asking hard hitting questions like this gem to Blake Griffin, "How do you, you know, feel about being drafted?" Check.

And my personal favorite: Picking the absolute weirdest photos of the NBA players they are interviewing, basically destroying any credibility coming from their mouths? Check, Check, CHECK!

Seriously, that photo of Ron Artest should be shown during every interview he does from now on. It says in a subtle way, "Although I sound coherent, remember that I still am crazy and weird enough to rap with my cell phone clipped securely to my belt, lest it get lost."

Monday, June 8, 2009

Yay! Another Franchise Kick In The Groin!

Anubis Taylor is on a plane to Ireland, making love to women with red hair and staring at the green, green, green, green rolling hills (seriously, do you hear anything ELSE about Ireland from people that have gone other than the damn rolling green hills?  How about the sky?  C'mon people!)  This leaves little ol' me, at least until I go to London for a month for business starting in mid-June.

So, what was your soon-to-be Euro-trash duo talking about today?  Probably how the new Nick Anderson on the Magic is rookie Courtney Lee, chucking up a brick layup when it would have won the game.  

Seriously, this is almost too tough to watch.  Instead of the series being 1-1, going back to Orlando, it is 2-0 Lakers and you have Kobe fist pumping all over the place.  "Fist pump" has found a new home on every article on ESPN today, whereas before it was limited strictly to porn sites (seriously, check's insanity).

Somewhere Courtney Lee is looking at heaven and saying, "Okay, first you have my parents name me F'in COURTNEY and now THIS?!  What the hell?!"

On a side note, if you were ever curious what Stan Van Gundy's face looked like while he took a monster dump, watch the end of that video again.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Here We Go

It's NBA Finals time, so it's time for a prediction.

Firs, here's a review of how the last round went:

Prediction: Cavs in 7

Outcome: Magic in 6

Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Magic really surprised everyone, and despite the predictably bad officiating skewing the Cavs' way, they dominated. Lebron's ancillary pieces, especially Mo Williams (a guy who has always been quietly effective, who turned into an ineffective loudmouth) were shut down. I counted 8...yes 8...Szerbiack airballs in the series. This continues my belief that Wally's World is truly the jinx to end all jinxes.

Prediction: Lakers in 5

Outcome: Lakers in 6

Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Nuggets gave a pretty darn good fight for two games, with Birdman suddenly emerging into the media darling we never thought he could be. Melo and Billups looked strong early on and then cooled off to an arctic degree. Out of nowhere, Lamar Odom rose like a bald phoenix to burn the powder-blues. I have yet to watch a Lakers game with a girl who doesn't say at one point, "That Jordan Farmar guy has ears that REALLY stick out. He should grow his hair out." Too true, ladies, too true.

And here we go, the moment we've all been waiting for:

Finals prediction: Magic in 6

Yes, I am a homer. Yes, That is an unpopular pick. I gotta go with Jameer Nelson and my boys. If "Stuff the Magic Dragon" gets a ring, it will surely be a sign of the end times. Who am I to prevent the apocolypse?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Mickael Pietrus Seems Like A Cool Guy

Watching the NBA Playoffs, all I keep thinking to myself is, "Man, Pau Gasol sure has a lot of acne on his arms." -But besides that, I also think, "Man, it would be so fun to be friends with Mickael Pietrus." The guy does some funny face or gesture after every three he makes, and his interviews are often completely silly and ridiculous. He's like if Will Ferrell could dunk and had an absolutely enormous brow. -Oh and was black. Sorry, I don't see color, unlike some of you.

Take the latest "news", which has Pietrus changing his shoes from Kobe shoes to Jordan shoes for the Magic's showdown with the Lakers. I love his quote:

"The only thing I can do is try to minimize (Kobes) touches in the fourth quarter," Pietrus told the Sentinel. "He's a tremendous player and those guys you can not stop them. So maybe I can say, 'Hey, stop, Kobe! Yo! Stop!' Maybe that's the only way I can stop him. 'Stop for a minute!' "

If you need more entertainment, look any any clip of Pietrus in action:

Alright, enough man-crush talk for one day. I'm starting to annoy myself.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Looking Forward To The Kobe-Dwight Matchup

While a lot is being said about the grudge match that will ensue between Dwight Howard and Kobe Bryant, no one really seems to be talking about the fact that the two were really, really good friends on the court during the Olympics this past year. While Lebron was looking for the cameras, Carmelo was looking to prove himself as a scorer, and Jason Kidd was looking to prove he didn't need to walk with a walker, Kobe and Dwight were hanging out and giving each other tips.

Here is a video showing a glimmer of them interacting:

It'll be fun to see how the media spins this into "These two HAAAAATE each other", while they are both will likely be sharing a beer after the series is over.

I swear to God, if Kobe gets Dwight to leave Orlando for L.A. during my lifetime, I will go to Los Angeles and burn that city to the ground myself. Never again.

Monday, June 1, 2009

America Must Band Together Despite This Cavs Loss

It is officially the week leading up to the NBA Finals. For now the media, instead of talking about the Magic and the Lakers, appear to be stuck on the incomprehensible fact that the Cavaliers somehow fell short. The world will have to wait for a Kobe-Lebron Championship series. Woe is us. Media folks, it is time to move on, and there is no better way to do that than...CAVALIERS FALLING SHORT FUNNY PICTURE ROUNDUP!


And my personal favorite....

Note the attention to detail with the Lil' Penny, the Lebron doll, and even the name of the boat and it's captain. Simply brilliant.

Many thanks to everyone at the Orlando Magiczone forums for your pics. Time to root for the Orlando Magic the only way I know how: With the 20 year old theme song!
That song is simply the silliest theme song I have ever heard.

Zombies Can Dunk Copyright 2009