F This Town

I be pissed. Reading the article below, I had the opposite reaction to Ernie Hudson's "I love this town!" proclamation at the end of Ghostbusters (highlighted in this post title). What could get me so rankled on the happiest of weeks, my beloved Halloween week? What could grind the gears of a guy so blissfully covered from head to toe in orange and black apparel, including socks with little skulls on them ($5 at Target) as he writes this? How about some town outlawing anyone over 12 from trick or treating?

Mayor Mark Eckhert of Belleville, Ill., says he's heard a ton of complaints from frightened single mothers and senior citizens who are less than happy about the “6-foot-tall kids” that ring their doorbells on Halloween. His solution: To create an ordinance banning high-school teenagers—that is, anyone over the age of 12—from trick-or-treating.

"When I was a kid my father said to me, 'You're too damn big to be going trick or-treating. You're done,’" Eckhert told ABC News. "When that doesn't happen, then that's reason for the city governments to intervene."

Intervening, in this case, means putting an age limit on trick-or-treaters, and threatening the over-12 set with a $100 fine for those who ignore the law—though, according to ABC, that fine has rarely, if ever, been actually meted out. And while some residents of Belleville have complained about the ordinance, it seems that many more are relieved. Trick-or-treat age limits have also been popular in townships in South Carolina, Mississippi, Maryland, and Virginia.

This is infuriating, and akin to banning dancing in Footloose. This Ebenezer Scrooge with political power is telling residents that the moment they hit their teens they are no longer allowed to celebrate the holiday in its most pure form. Sure, we adults pretty much go nuts and drink ourselves silly on Halloween, but what is the 13-20 year old to do? That's right...they will be forced to hit the bottle early, something that will no doubt make their parties devolve into orgies of violence and, well, orgies.

As someone who trick or treated in the surrounding neighborhood before partying on Halloween in college (yes, I really did that...it was hilarious and majestic), I am calling for the residents of Belleville, Illinois to rise up and overtake Mayor Eckhert like the zombies he wishes to outlaw. -Not the adults, but rather an unholy army of 4-8 year olds, doing so after ringing his doorbell.

In my mind's eye the kids would try to tear him to pieces, only to have the Mayor saved by a passing adult in a ghost costume. This would surely cause him to see the error of his ways, and make it MANDATORY for all residents to trick or treat on Halloween.

How would this work if everyone is out trick or treating and no one is home to answer the doors? What would prevent burglaries? I have no idea...that's the Mayor's job to figure out. I'm an idea man, not a logistics man. Duh.

Let's get on this.