I Am Batshit Insane, By Stephen Jackson

Oh hi, I didn't see you there.

My name is Stephen, but friends in my hometown of Port Arthur, Texas call me "Stevie". You might have heard of me. I play for the Golden State Warriors and recently got named as captain. Pretty neat, huh? I also have an effective crossover dribble and can post up smaller guys on occasion.

-Those are just some silly little traits though. The important one is this:

I am completely, 100% batshit insane.

I know, I know, you're saying to yourself, "Oh, he's joking. This guy's quite the joker." I must assure you that I am not. I just took a shit in my pants while we were conversing on this busy city street. If you need more proof I am more than happy to provide it. I had a lot of fiber this morning.

"But what about Ron Artest", you say. "He is the most crazy one of them all?"

Hahaha. The demons in my head thought that was a good one!

Ol' Ronnie is just a quirky guy who is obsessed with that crap 'music career' of his and has a hairtrigger temper. If he wasn't so angry all the time, the public would be all over him like flies on Gilbert Arenas. He's been a perfect gentleman while in Sacramento, and meanwhile yesterday I had sex with a pineapple multiple times while hiding in the closet of a kindergarten class.

From what I saw, their fingerpainting drawings were shit, by the way.

Look, if you need a resume, over the past three years I've been charged with felony criminal recklessness, and a number of other misdemeanors, including assault, disorderly conduct, and two counts of battery. If I've been caught for all of that, can you IMAGINE how much I've done that I haven't got caught for? Can you fathom it? It took me about 6 of my personalities to fathom it, so I'm going to bet you'll have trouble with that one.

If you need a more high profile case, take that silly incident in Indiana with the crowd and whatnot. Ron Artest had garbage thrown at him, had fans hopping in front of him telling him to punch them, and retaliated. Me? I just launched myself into the crowd and starting swinging until I hit something. For you see, in Ron's head they were savage attackers who could have done him bodily harm. In my head, the members of the crowd all looked like this:

I fucking hate leprechauns, so those fans had to get their asses beat.

Anyhoo, I'm glad we had this chance to talk. You may be a fire hydrant, but I have to say that you are a great listener. Hopefully our paths will cross again one day again. If you need me, I'll be in that club, waving my gun around and screaming that banshees have invaded my pants. Talk to you later.

(Finishes urinating, zips up pants, and walks away)