Drunk Yet? It's New Year's Eve! Get To It!

Out with the old and in with the new, as they say ("They" being the Boston Celtics and Portland Trailblazers. Talk about a turnaround).

2008 is right around the corner and we finally say goodbye to our longtime bedmate, 2007. As far as years go, 2007 was a pretty damn good one. The Howeva Files reached new heights of readership, the NBA finally addressed what we've been saying for years about the slanted refs, and Isiah Thomas enshrined himself as the "Man of the Year" with several headlines that even statues had to chuckle at. As Sinatra would sing, right before he had sex with a groupie and sipped on some scotch, "It was a very good year."

Personally, I find it a bit hard to believe that it is already 2008. Can you believe it has almost been a decade since we rung in the year 2000 (that's right ladies...I can do math)? It seems like just yesterday we were all calling the Backstreet Boys the next big thing, voting in George Bush, and telling each other how that Pets.com sock puppet dog would be around forever. Oh, what a pile of ignorant cretins we were then.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have several borderline lethal drinks and a baked brie to make before the partygoers come tonight. For all you rowdy kids, remember what they say:

"Liquor before Beer, what are ya? Queer?"

and "Beer before Liquor, give me more quicker!"

I dunno, it goes something like that.

Adios, 2007. Thanks for the memories.
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To watch tonight: A little thing called the ball dropping in New York. Also, the Twilight Zone marathon is a must (just so you can later scream in a drunken fashion "To Serve Man...IT'S A COOKBOOK!" in the faces of confused partygoers).
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All I need to ask is this: Who the hell is going to be buying cell phones at 8:30 in the morning on New Year's Day?!?! My first resolution will be stop involuntarily vomiting on customers and whenever I see another brilliant Jason Kidd pass slip through the greased fingers of a teammate.
Anubis' drinking guide for tonight: A bottle of prosecco in the shower to pre-game, a flask for the train/subway/bus/backseat, fuckin Jager bombs, tell the blonde that you're a world-class pickup artist as you clean the vomit from your shirt with her hair, and have a bottle of tequila chillin in the fridge that you're totally gonna have before you pass out watching Cinemax porno at 4am.

Thanks to everyone for a great year!
~Anubis Taylor

Come Get Your Smush Parkers! Selling Smush Parkers Here!

The Miami Herald, my favorite publication to read when I need to talk myself off of a ledge as a Dolphins fan, previously said that Miami is actively looking to trade Smush Parker (seen on the right, getting his junk grabbed).

This comes as no surprise as Smush was banned from the team following an altercation, and when he did play his moves (or lack therof) looked like that clip of Jean Claude Van Damme dancing in a leotard in that breakdancing movie he did.

What DOES surprise people is that somehow it seems there are teams interested in his services. These teams include Cleveland, Boston, Houston, and Golden State, at least according to the Herald and Pat Riley (so chances are it is bogus).

You take a look at that list and the first thing that jumps out at you is Cleveland's interest. After foolishly going with Larry Hughes, a move that looked like a bad idea at the time and wound up playing out that way, this interest looks similar. Cleveland is like that friend you have that keeps getting in bad relationship after bad relationship and you just watch from afar with a wince as it happens. Even though you say to him, "I dunno about that chick dude...she keeps downing shots and calling out people at the bar", he keeps saying, "Nah, man, it's cool. She's just having a bad day. This girl is the one man, I'm telling you. She is the ONE!" When he comes crawling back to you and says that she slept with someone else/killed a guy/turned out to be a guy, all you can do is be there for him. Hopefully the Cavs don't buy Smush a drink.

In regards to the Celtics, they are the Patriots of the NBA (both in talent and hatred levels) and with their needs for a backup PG they could somehow find a way to spin Smush into gold. I'm convinced a wizard cast a spell to make all Miami teams bad and all Boston teams good. If you don't believe me, just take a good look at the standings in all the major sports this year. It's CRAZY! If Boston could turn a dim bulb like Big Baby Davis into a huge sparkplug off the bench in his rookie year (which he has been this season), you know they have magic. For further proof, look at his incredibly awesome profile photo of Big Baby on the left. The only thing that would make it cooler is if he had cookie crumbs on the side of his mouth.

As for the rest, I think Houston and Golden State are just some names Riles threw in there since they likely wouldn't get Smush unless the asking price was basically free. Western conference = a tad more skepticism when talking about shit NBA guards.

Regardless, we wish the best to Smush on his NBA (or NBA Developmental League) travels. If an 8-23 team thinks you aren't good enough, you KNOW they're someone stupid enough to pick you up.

-You know somewhere Isiah Thomas read that last sentence and just rubbed his hands together. Get er' done, Zeke.

Bulls Fans...This Guy Is Your Coach For The Rest Of The Way!

This guy on the left is named Jim Boylan, and recently the Bulls announced that "interim coach" title aside, he would be the Bulls coach for the remainder of the 07-08 season.

For those of you confused by the fact that the Bulls are having an "interim coach" basically run a team for almost a full season, it's Bulls GM John Paxson's way of saying, "This guy could very well be our coach of the future...but man if he sucks we will cut ties with him lightning quick and might even claim we never met him".

It's a pretty dick move, but you could sorta see the logic behind it. On one hand, this guy has obviously been good enough to be an NBA assistant for over 10 years. On the other hand, this guy has been good enough to be an NBA assistant for over 10 years...with not one guy stepping in and saying that he should be considered for an NBA head coaching position. With such a lack of true confidence and head coaching recommendations, it's best to not tie your future to him right off the bat (maybe he has B.O.).

One thing I already like about him is the fact that he was a badass in his youth. At the age of 27, apparently he led a team to a championship in Switzerland as a player-coach. It's every guy's dream to have 5 seconds left in a professional basketball game, call the team into a huddle, and draw up the play with a dramatic, "Pass the ball to me...and move out the way, bitches." This guy actually did that, and THEN parlayed it into a coaching career in the NBA. Sure, people like Steve Francis try to do this too, but then their actual coach rolls his eyes and tells him to get some gatorade for the starters (and to quit playing with the Cuttino Mobley-autographed anal beads).

While the Bulls lost in his first game, it's anyone's guess how well Boylan will do over the course of a full season. For me, I prefer to use a little thing by the name of "science" and "cold, hard facts" to intelligently come to a conclusion about this man's future. I did a search on movies with characters named "Jim Boylan". In my opinion, things for the Bulls will end this season exactly how they ended in the 1938 drama "Little Tough Guy":

"When labor activist Jim Boylan is executed for a murder he didn't commit, his son Johnny decides to become a crook. He and his pals Pig, String, Sniper and Dopey, embark upon a crime spree, aided and abetted by thrill-seeking rich kid Cyril, who happens to be the son of the district attorney. While committing a robbery orchestrated by Cyril, Johnny and Pig are trapped by the police. Pig makes a break for it, only to be killed in a hail of bullets. This startling turn of events convinces Johnny to mend his ways, but not before an obligatory stretch in reform school with his fellow Little Tough Guys-including Cyril!"

~ Hal Erickson, All Movie Guide

I can't wait to see how Ben Wallace does in the role of "Pig"...God rest his soul.

No One Puts Tony Parker In The Corner

I think that's the way the line from Dirty Dancing goes...but I could be wrong.

As Anubis Taylor posted a while back, Tony Parker was in some deep doo doo for allegedly sleeping with a model named Alexandra Paressant. The story had some funny aspects as it painted Eva Longoria as a sperm-hating cold fish in the sack, and painted loveable Tony Parker as yet another - gasp - promiscuous athlete.

Well, as you might expect, some actual magazines got involved (namely People Magazine...not to say a magazine reporting called "X17 Online" isn't reliable. It sounds like a magazine for robots). People found out that not only was Alexandra lying about sleeping with Tony Parker...

Drumroll...

Wait for it...

She never even met him! Apparently, the photos printed that showed Parker with Alexandra were actually Parker with another model who LOOKS like Alexandra. On top of that, the only thing she had going for her was that she used to date horse-faced soccer star Ronaldinho, and now they're saying she never did that either.

Wow, I knew there were lots of batshit crazy women out there but it takes a special breed of messed up wench to claim that they are someone else in a photo. I pity the foo that winds up with her longterm, gorgeous as she might be.

This brings us to the true moral of this crazy story: No matter what crazy obstacle pops up, there is just no denying that Tony Parker somehow has the best life of anyone in our lifetimes (who isn't named Tom Brady). I'm convinced that he stumbled across a genie somewhere along the line. How else do you explain multiple NBA titles, dating Eva Longoria, somehow becoming a bigger star than Tim Duncan despite putting up smaller numbers, being so well off you can actually deny ever having had sex with supermodels like Alexandra, and doing it all while you are (let's be brutally honest here) one of the most weird looking ugly guys on the NBA floor. I mean sure he is a nice guy and is talented, but those things can only get you so far. Throw in the fact that most native Frenchmen smell like either a) cigarettes or b) a sewer and you can color me stumped.

Still, we must be under the spell too as we love our Tony and are glad to hear he cleared his name. Also good to see Alexandra Paressant is back in the gutter where she belongs...making lots of money as a model...with increased exposure from this story...d'oh!

Scottie Pippen May Soon Have A Source of Positive Income

With coach Scott Skiles finally out in Chicago, the Chicago Sun-Times is reporting that Scottie Pippen may soon rejoin the team as an assistant. This is terrific news for the guy who's post-career has been mired in financial and legal woes which almost lead him to embarrass himself by making a comeback. Watch your chip stacks Baby Bulls, Scottie and his high stakes poker addiction is coming for you!

I'm not entirely sure what kind of coach Pippen is going to be. On one hand he is remembered as a fierce and insanely talented competitor who was among the NBA's 50 best ever and at worst as a temperamental second-level star who rode Michael Jordan's coattails to his only championships. Note that I never said "intelligent floor general." Hopefully he'll at least teach Luol Deng and Tyrus Thomas how to properly utilize their freakishly long wingspans.

Would I love having Pippen as a coach? Sure! I could pound him in the head and watch his head morph into bizarre mushroom-like bruises. He's a terrific financial adviser in that I would do the complete opposite of whatever he does. And judging from the last photo, he's a good kisser.

George Karl on Scott Skiles: He's Done

Alas, Anubis Taylor has returned victorious from his 2-week one-man protest outside the United Center. All Scott Skiles haters like me had Christmas come a little early for us as he was canned yesterday. Unforfortunately he'll soon resurface somewhere else to ruin the fun for a whole new fan base.

So what else do I have left to wish for? That Jason Kidd finally find a home that's championship bound and big enough to hold his giant-headed children.That Tony Parker finds another woman that's not his wife that has no qualms about taking a facial. That the science community creates a team of Manu Ginobili clones. Finally, that Frank TV get cancelled immediately.

MERRY CHRIST-KWANZ-UKAH FROM THE HOWEVA FILES!

Only the best of holiday wishes from The Howeva Files to you and your family!

We hope you get great presents this year as you surely deserve them if you are wise enough to read this site. Word around the block is that Josh Groban's Christmas cd is setting all sorts of records, so that means most of you will at least have one present to return this year from an elderly aunt or uncle. Make sure to check the wrapping for the gift receipt. If there is none, here are some ideas on what to do with your Josh Groban cd:

-A coaster

-Boomerang that doesn't come back

-Just pop out the booklet inside, insert photo, and you have an elegant picture frame.

-Something to help pick your teeth of the remnants of Christmas dinner.

-Hard surface to rest your nativity figurines on in the snow.

-Food (if stranded on deserted island).

-Sharp object to slice your wrists with if you're a Knicks fan

Well, regardless of what you do with your Groban cd, we hope you will be nogged up and grinning the holiday away. Happy holidays!

Payton To Celtics: "I Really Have No Shame"

Remember a while back when America shook their collective heads at Karl Malone and Gary Payton shamelessly hopping on the Lakers bandwagon, hoping for a championship?

Remember when Payton then got traded to Boston, and after demanding a trade and crying about it, he left to join the Heat championship bandwagon the first chance he got?

Well, Gary is currently bored, old, and out of work...which meant it was time to give the Celtics a call and tell them he was the crucial missing piece in their championship dreams! Yes, the bar for "most shameless attempt to jump on a team on a surefire track to winning a title" has once again been raised. At this point in Payton's career he is just competing against himself in that regard.

His agent isn't even hiding it anymore. Instead of using the age-old veteran hypes, such as "He still thinks he can contribute" and "He brings leadership to the table", Payton's agent Aaron Goodwin just chose to state the obvious:

"Gary's interest is only with teams he can play with and compete with to win a championship," Goodwin said. "He'd love the opportunity to play with Boston. It's one of the teams he had me contact before the season, and that's saying a lot because Gary doesn't like the cold."

Now, I know this is America and freedom is the right of all sentient beings (thank you for that quote, Optimus Prime), but shouldn't there be some sort of rule in sports against this? Some sort of way to tell veteran players who obviously have nothing left in the tank and just want to hop onto successful teams that you have to EARN your championship? Robert Horry is a complete exception because although he is largely useless during the regular season, he is so clutch in the playoffs it is worth paying him to sit all year just for that shot at the end. That and he sort of looks like Will Smith, so it is worth seeing drunk overweight fans yell, "BIG WILLIE STYLE!!!" when he steps on the court.

With the NBA unlikely to make any sort of rule like this in the next eternity, I encourage every NBA fan to relentlessly boo Gary Payton until he abandons this unending wish to piggyback his way to glory. Booing him may be difficult since he doesn't play anymore, but you can still boo him when you see games of him on NBA Classic and do it to your starting lineup figures. Also, if you happen to live by him in Las Vegas you can do it anytime you wish. Something just seems right about imagining Gary Payton on the phone with his agent, trying to join the Celtics, as the waiter serving his soup to him boos him.

Hopefully this will ground him and let him retire in dignity. If that doesn't work, it is only a matter of time before he spirals out of control and enters the shameless land of no return: phone ads with Carrot Top.

Who Won The Underachiever Championship?

There have been a few teams that have sucked this season worse than expected: The Bulls, the Cavs, the Rockets...but few have crapped on fan expectations worse than the Heat and Nets.

Tonight the Nets and Heat squared off, attempting to shed some light on which of these two teams actually had a shot and which was just hit-you-over-the-head-with-it screwed.

The Nets had been making headlines with Jason Kidd's admission that the team had no heart and the widespread rumors that he was faking injuries while attempting to be traded. Couple that with the fact that Nenad Kristic has NOT bounced back in any way from injury, Richard Jefferson has seemed exasperated and annoyed at teammates, and Vince Carter has been launching more wild off balance shots than Carlos Arroyo could even fathom...and you have trouble.

The Heat, meanwhile, have been making implosion an art form. Riley has called out the players almost nightly, Shaq only tries when his self-esteem needs a boost, and the expiration date officially came on about 90% of their geriatric roster. Even Dwayne Wade's arrival back from injury hasn't been able to do jack squat. The biggest surprise of all is easily that the team is somehow WORSE without Antoine Walker, the Charlie Brown of basketball (granted, the Wolves are substantially worse. Antoine power!)

So with all of these factors thrown in a pot and mixed, who would have thought that it actually turned out to be a very well played game! Wade scored 41 points, Carter had 31, Jefferson had 29, Kidd had 11 rebounds and 10 assists, and Udonis Haslem had 18 points and 12 rebounds. The game was also back and forth straight until the game finally ended in overtime. As Richard Jefferson said, "Both of us needed this one."

So who sucked more? With Kidd actually trying, you KNEW it had to be the Heat, who lost 107-103. At the end of the night, the talent level just isn't there with a team that starts Chris Quinn and plays Earl Barron more than 1 minute in a game.

With this loss, I am officially beginning the "Riley bail watch". Riley has neither the tolerance, dignity, or spine to actually stick around to take the blame for such a crummy team, so in my opinion it is only a matter of time before he bolts unless something good comes along. That "good thing" could be next year's draft. If the season ended right now, the Heat would have the second worst record in the league and a fantastic shot at winning the overall top pick in the lottery. There is a chance they could get a really great prospect in the draft to pair with Dwayne Wade for years to come.

If those pick pong balls fall into place for the Heat, expect Riles to stick around with a grin. If the Heat wind up like Boston with a pick at 5 or higher, expect Riley to 'do a Jerry West' and run out on the club.

It all comes down to how those balls drop (that's what she said).

A Fun Holiday Story

Today I had my company's Holiday party, and a substantial part of the festivities involved a "Secret Santa" gift exchange.

For those of you unfamiliar with the idea of "Secret Santa", everyone draws one name out of a hat and they give out presents to that particular person. It's a great idea, so good in fact that I fully endorse it for how we should elect future presidents (if for nothing else, just to see who would open their present and moan, "Oh fantastic. Who the hell got me George Bush as a president?")

Anyhoo, I heard my name called, they gave me my gifts and I opened them with a smile on my face. Earlier in the week the entire company had a fun meeting where employees proclaimed things they were interested in as to help people get good presents, and I had said, "I like basketball." I figured that I would get a cheesy NBA pack of stickers or maybe a NERF basketball hoop or something.

What I did actually get blew away my expectations.

I opened my first present and found a DVD of the movie "White Men Can't Jump". This alone would have made my evening, since I don't have the movie and it was a hilarious gift. The front of it didn't even have their last names, but rather "Woody" and "Wesley" tacked up on the top of it as if the movie production company ran out of money while printing the cover. Seeing Wesley Snipes' flipped up hat made me grin and wish for a world in which everyone wore those things and had a bizarre girlfriend like Rosie Perez. I remembered that I had "win a ton of money by playing pickup basketball games" on my list of things to do before I die, right after "acquire basketball skills" and "overcome intense fear of inner city basketball thugs."

The next present somehow not only beat the last present, but just knocked it the hell out of the water. I lifted my present out of its packaging and the entire group of people around me erupted in a fit of laughter, easily the benchmark of a good present in my opinion. My secret santa had gotten me a framed photo of Larry Bird, complete with short shorts and mouth hilariously agape while he shot the basketball. His facial expression made it look like he needed a drool cup, and the picture itself was such an enormous size that it would take up a sizeable wall anywhere, including the Sistine Chapel.

I was extremely happy.

After putting my dvd away, I spent the rest of the holiday party walking around with the enormous frame of Larry Bird in my hand, and a jack and coke in the other. People would ask me what my plans for Christmas were, and I would act offended and say, "What...are you just going to IGNORE my friend Larry here? I mean, yes he has short shorts, but that doesn't mean he's invisible." I also, more than once, demanded people give Larry a sip of their drink (Which they did, of course. How could you say no to that face?)

Eventually I found out why someone had gotten me this enormous picture of Larry Bird: My secret santa was actually one of our overseas employees and had little in the way of things to send from there. Also, the television show I currently work on had "Bird" in the title, so it was a clever play on words. This eluded me until the end of the evening though, allowing me to take in the full glory of this completely random-seeming gift.

I'd like to think that somewhere at that exact moment Larry Bird was walking around a holiday party, quickly downing egg nog and chocolate pretzels, while he showed people a gigantic framed photo of me in short shorts. It's visions like that which make the holidays so special.

God bless us, everyone.

Oakley Gets A DUI

The photo above was waiting for me from several people when I checked my email today.

Our good friend (and MJ sidekick) Charles Oakley was nabbed for driving under the influence in Georgia. Apparently he was swerving all over the road and willingly said he was wasted with a smile when asked by police.

While many of the comments we received were pretty good, my personal favorite came from my friend John:

"I think MJ, Ahmad Rashad, Kevin Bacon & Cuba Gooding all chipped in for his bail and some complimentary hanes underwear....that or MJ used the Bobcats 2008 mid-level free agent exception for bail. This picture is now my desktop wallpaper."

So what could have driven Oak to drink and drive...besides, ya know, the fact that he seems to be drunk every day nowadays? My guess is the fact that some other peeps seem to be stealing his comeback idea:

Today Michael Jordan worked out with the Bobcats, and Isiah Thomas said that he would shake up the roster a ton if the Knicks' losing ways continue. We know, we know, unlike MJ Isiah Thomas doesn't seem to be hinting he will shake up the roster by actually playing himself...but would that be so out of character? For those of you who still fail to see his dimentia and don't think there is a possibility of this happening, I have the 8 most recent words that Isiah's guardian angel whispered in his ear as being good ideas:

1) Popcorn

2) Sexual-Harassment

3) Balkman

4) Caucasian-Hate

5) Zebo

6) Francis

7) Marbury

8) Tooth-whitening.

Who is to say that he won't come to work one day with a Knicks jersey under his dress suit and tear-away suit pants? It's what I pray for every night before I go to sleep.

MJ claims he was just practicing with the Bobcats and laughed off a comeback, but we are hoping to the heavens above that the Bobcats completely tank and we see Oakley and MJ on the court at some point. Even if it is a long shot that they unretire and play for Charlotte (MJ needs to devote as much time as possible to grinding with college girls), at least we can dream. For now we'll have to settle with Oakley wearing a neon orange uniform when he performs community service on the roadside.

A Pair Of Damn Good Games

Rarely do I gush over games, but tonight NBA fans were treated to a pair of excellent ones. This once again proves to the world that God fully intends us to ditch our Christmas shopping for later in the week.

First off, the Orlando Magic took on the Dallas Mavericks. Moustached superhero Stan Van Gundy and his Magic were a hot team cooling off quickly (losing 4 of 5 games) and the Mavs were having the complete opposite fortune (winning 4 of 5 games). The stage was set for an utter blowout by the Mavs, but the loving-to-be-the-away-team Magic kept it close. With the clock ticking down to its final seconds, and the Mavericks up by 3, Magic guard Keith Bogans launched a three pointer and made it to much fanfare. The teams were tied with only about 2 seconds left or so and the game was poised to go into kickass overtime glory.

-Not so quick.

Dick Bavetta, remembering that it was a Monday and he was ALREADY about 3 hours past his bedtime, said no dice and ruled Bogans' shot a 2-pointer. That was the ball game. The crazy thing is that for a 100 year-old crypt keeper-lookalike, Bavetta is the still the best ref in the game. The replays showed that he was right and it looked like Bogans' toenail was on barely on the line. I should have known better than to ever question Bavetta, who looked like he could bitch-slap Chuck Norris after that call. What a fantastic game for both teams.

Then, came the other clash of the titans in Phoenix vs. San Antonio. The Spurs are invincible at home, with a 13-0 record that makes even the least skeptical fan believe they are poisoning the water fountain in the visiting team locker room. The game went back and forth until the Suns felt the pain of their bloody noses and surged to enter the fourth quarter with a 7 point lead. The Spurs started off the fourth with a 10-2 run and before I knew it the score was tied at 90 with less than two minutes to play...

It was at this moment that Dick Bavetta flew in on a zip line, wearing what looked like a purple cape and armed with a flame thrower. After hitting the floor at midcourt, he started screaming and turned on the flamethrower, fully igniting Boris Diaw who ran to the locker room. He then made 7 perfect calls in a row and made love to a gorgeous woman while giving Mark Cuban the finger.

Eh, actually the game after that point dwindled to a free throw shooting spree by the Suns, coupled with mistakes by the Spurs...but Bavetta would have done that if he were free.

Long story short, my dear friends, with the NFL regular season coming to a close and fantasy football leagues ending rapidly the NBA is starting to get really damn good. Tonight's games were just a preview of what is to come, so I hope you're ready for it.

Something tells me Keith Bogans will be trimming his toenails tonight.

Lebron Finally Says What I've Been Saying All Along

First off, huge props to the Miami Dolphins, my favorite NFL "team" (I put team in quotes since they resemble an unorganized batch of mental defectives this year rather than a cohesive group). Miami managed to actually win a game, beating the Ravens behind the silly putty arm of Cleo Lemon. Now that they are assured of not being the worst team in sports history by winning, I can now relax and ignore this NFL season in style.

Back to basketball, today Lebron James spoke out and said that I wasn't too far off with my assessment of him wincing at the talent surrounding him on the Cavs, admitting that the Cleveland Cavaliers just aren't championship material:

We’re not playing very good basketball,” he said. “Right now, we’re not a very good team.”

Cleveland coach Mike "Al Roker" Brown disagrees, saying, "Right now, we’re reeling a bit because of the losses". This is substanially easier to stomach than what he should be saying, which would be an Ozzie Guillen-esque tirade of, "We're pretty, but we suck ass when you actually take your eyes off of Lebron".

Part of a closer inspection of the Cavs' problems reveals they have an inability to beat "easy" teams. Their most recent loss was to the 76ers, a team whose mere presence in the league these days seems to involve making other teams implode over the sheer fact that they lost to them. Remember when the Knicks lost to the 76ers and all hell broke lose? They should go by a new name: "The Philadelphia 'And you will know us by the trail of dead'"

Tomorrow night the Cavs play the Bucks, a team who is somehow one half-game better than them in the standings. While the Cavs are bad, the Bucks are 2-11 on the road so this would be a true test of how awful each of these teams are. My prediction? Cavs win by ten and Yi blows his brains out at the end of the third quarter.

What The Maloofs Are Doing Instead Of Helping The Kings

While the Kings lurk in the sub .500 land of mediocrity, at least the fans have solace that their owners are doing whatever it takes to get their team back to respectability.

For instance, Kings fans were treated by this quote when they opened Sports Illustrated, knowing full well in their hearts that soon their team would be on top again:

"Whenever I looked out the window, I saw kids skateboarding,'' Joe Maloof said.

Yep, that's right Sacramento fans. While the Kings resemble the kidney stone passed by championship calibur teams, the Maloofs are holding the first "Maloof Money Cup", a skateboarding competition in Orange County. Kings fans will smile knowing that while "superstars" like John Salmons and Mikki Moore play for their team, the good money is going right where it should: To get Mischa Barton some elbow pads before she gets on that board.

At least the competitors know that the namesakes of the competiton have some serious skateboarding backgrounds. Tony Hawk, eat your heart out:

"I tried skateboarding when I was a kid,'' Joe Maloof said. "There was a place in Albuquerque called Kistler-Collister; it was a shopping center and it had an underneath parking garage. I went flying down the ramp and hit one of those drainage pipes that was sticking up. I must have flew 100 feet and landed on my face.

Has this team moved to Vegas yet?

SHOCKING NEWS: PRO ATHLETES SLEEP AROUND

For those into celebrity gossip, you may already know this, but it's been revealed that the recently wed Tony Parker has already had one affair. Actually, it was a major upgrade for Parker to go from Eva Longoria to the hotter and younger French model Alexandra Paressant (who was once known for dating Ronaldinho!?!?!?!?!?).

According to Paressant, the reason for Parker's wandering is that Longoria is terrified of his sperm.

"He said that Eva sexually speaking does not want to do certain things. She does not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like certain position and thinks that sperm gives acne.”

TO ALL MY FEMALE READERS AND POTENTIAL ONE NIGHT STANDS: Eva Longoria is bat shit crazy. Do not believe her lies. My sperm cures blindness. Continue to go about your regularly scheduled fucking.

Christmas Has Come Early For NBA Hooligans!

With the majority of the northeast abandoning their cars on the highway in the snow and all sports fans glued to coverage of the Mitchell Report and Bobby Petrino, the NBA has no better time to fit in all its possible scandals.

With only two games on tonight's schedule, Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson are free to commit random acts of violence, Isiah Thomas can grab intern-ass, Joey Crawford and Tim Duncan can settle their differences in a cage match, Jerry Sloan can queer bash to his cold heart's delight, refs can put it all on black, Sebastian Telfair can bring a rocket launcher onto a plane, Michael Jordan can have sex with another woman he doesn't love, Carmello can sucker punch snitches, Eddie Curry can guzzle down barrels of trans fats, , Starbury can do all his interviews wasted, JR Smith can kill passengers in his car, and Matt Barnes can get back to doing what he does best: killing pimps a-la Travis Bickle.


Good luck to all and please for the love of Birdman, will someone break the tie? I'm personally shocked that Bango has a shot at the title.

Frank Caliendo + Barkley = Fun

We at THF have been huge fans of Frank Caliendo for years, loving his commentary on Dan Le Batard's Miami-based radio show (Dan is tough to watch while he is quaking in his boots next to Kornheiser on Pardon The Interruption, but his radio show is incredibly funny and entertaining. Take our word for it and check it out).

Caliendo had us in stitches with his Al Pacino impression, especially when he would go over the rules of Donkey Kong and Q-Bert, and we thought it couldn't be better than that. That was until we saw his Charles Barkley impression.

After the Bush impression segment, let the magic enfold before you:

Break the Tie!

We're in a deadlock heat for the Creepiest Mascot in the Central Division. Please vote here!

This Will Ferrell Movie Has Potential

As far as movies go, Will Ferrell has come out with the good (Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgandy, Old School, Elf), the bad (Superstar, Kicking And Screaming, Talledega Nights...you gotta admit that sorta sucked), and the ugly (Curious George? Bewitched? I would have kicked my agent in the balls if I saw those scripts in front of me).

His next project is basketball related, and looks pretty darn funny from the previews:



Here is a longer trailer. Despite Andre 3000 and that "Dance To The Music" song that's in a lot of trailers, it looks like it's worth the movie ticket:




I've been saying for years that someone should make a movie about the ABA but make it completely ridiculous. It is awesome to see someone run with that idea.

-Now if only someone would pick up my movie idea to have a comedic Andrew Jackson biopic starring Christopher Walken...

Josh Smith Is Some Sort Of Fantasy Basketball God

Most of America does not partake in fantasy basketball, but the fact remains that it's popularity is steadily growing and it is easily the 4th most popular fantasy game after fantasy football, fantasy baseball, and nightly dreams of Megan Fox.

Whoa. That demands more than one link. Here ya go. Go nuts.

So for those of you who give a hoot about stats, have you SEEN what Josh Smith has been doing lately? He has not only been making fantasy basketball his bitch, but he is so good that he might be somehow racking up stats in other sports. I swear if you squint you see that he scored 3 goals against "Real Salt Lake".

Let's take a gander at his damage, shall we? Last Thursday he had 7 blocks in one game. In fantasy basketball terms that is like shitting a gold nugget, and having that gold nugget shit a diamond.

-And he isn't stopping anytime soon. Tonight he played my supposedly surging Orlando Magic and lit them up for 25 points, 16 rebounds, 5 assists, 4 steals, 4 blocks, and 2 three pointers en route to a 98-87 win. Goodness gracious. He had one less block than the other 20 people who played in the game combined (and that includes block master Dwight Howard).

The funniest/most tragic part of all of this is that no matter how hard he tries Josh Smith will likely be remembered by the rest of America as "That nobody who won the dunk contest a ways back". He could win the lottery, cure cancer, and go to jail for 23 months for fighting dogs and would still elicit that response. His only hope is the continued rise in the popularity of fantasy basketball. Look at the magnificent things it has done for the life of perpetual nobody Leandro Barbosa!

Wait, scratch that last comment. No one knows who the hell that is.

If you have Josh Smith in fantasy basketball, chances are that you are sitting pretty like those douchebags that drafted Tom Brady too high in fantasy football or said, "I'll take A-Rod with the first overall pick. I like to be hated." The bonus is that unlike those last two types you will probably lead a relatively peaceful life instead of being stoned to death viciously by the others in your fantasy league.

James Dolan's Wikipedia Page Rocks

While we continue the voting for the Central Divison's creepiest mascot here, we once again must discuss the continuing train-wreck that is the New York Knicks.

I keep wanting to stop talking about the Knicks, but like Godfather III, "Every time I think I'm out they pull me back in".

Over the weekend, after a 28 point loss to the 76ers (yes, you read that right...the 76ers) and almost an entire game with the crowd yelling "FIRE ISIAH!", James Dolan made it his top priority to tell Isiah that his job wasn't in jeopardy.

Now, there are a lot of morons in this world. Many of them do not bother me. I can happily sit back and smile while people like Jessica Simpson, that guy Blake from American Idol, and Miami Dolphins coach Cam Cameron somehow make a living despite their three combined brain cells. -For these are morons who are trying their best to appear as smart, functioning members of society, and most of all they aren't trying to directly harm anyone.

James Dolan falls into the worst type of moron category you can have: The "Guy Who Is So Moronic, He Is Detrimental To The Others Around Him Moron". As a New Yorker, it is not only rough to see him completely screw many New York fans out of 2.5 competitive sports franchises (the New York Liberty only really count as half of one since they are a WNBA team), but it is also tough to stomach the fact that he is inept at his day job as Cablevision CEO. For those of you who do not have it, Cablevision is the cable network of New York and many other territories and works as well as Tom Brady works at looking like a heterosexual (not good). Cablevision has power outages, its internet service sucks ass, and gives cable boxes to the homeowner that do not work. If this site goes down for any lengthy period of time, you have Cablevision to thank.

Now take how crappy this cable company is run and apply it to a sports franchise and you have the reasoning behind what is happening today. I happened to look up "James Dolan" on wikipedia, which usually is pretty objective (opinionated stuff regularly gets purged from the site) and here are some of the gems on Dolan:

"Dolan's results as a sports franchise owner have been financial success, mixed with competitive failure"

and

"There is a strong desire by many Knicks fans for Dolan to sell the team. Dolan's ownership of MSG has been a complete debacle. An important factor to take into consideration is the fact that Dolan has no sports knowledge. He knows nothing about wins or losses but only about dollars and cents."

and

"Dolan frequently sits at Knicks games with a snarling look on his face, arms folded across his fat disgusting belly. He has gone so far as removing fans from MSG who boo him during Knicks games."

and my personal favorite:

"Dolan performs blues-inspired rock as the singer for JD and the Straight Shot, which no one cares about. Every true New Yorker knows that Dolan proudly supports terrorism and hates happiness."

Wikipedia doesn't lie. Time for the U.S. military to start putting Dolan's face on trading cards.

The NBA's Creepiest Mascot Tourney: Rd 1 - Central Division

Its long been argued that basketball is by far the most enjoyable of the major pro sports to watch in a live setting. Not only can you can get a true perspective of the players' size and athleticism, but you're constantly entertained during all dead-ball situations by the dancers, party music, t-shirt cannons, jumbotrons, contests, and most importantly the mascots. Most people tend to either sit on either of the extreme ends of the love/hate table when it comes to mascots, but I simply have a deep-seated childhood fear of anyone in a giant suit. Basically, the Easter Bunny at the mall was my scary clown. Thus, THF is proud to bring you a bracket-style tournament, where only one will emerge as The NBA's Creepiest Mascot.

Round 1 - Central Division

Hooper (Detroit Pistons)
Seriously? Detroit, the home of Motown and knife fights, brings us a mascot that looks like a Hannah-Barbera character whose patented candy bars look like hobo diarrhea. NEXT!

Boomer and Bowser (Indiana Pacers)
After binges of ether, peyote, and absinthe in '91 and '01, Boomer and Bowser were born. Little known facts: Boomer regularly drinks his own piss and Bowser sprinkles crack cocaine on his cereal.

Bango (Milwaukee Bucks)
Bango is Rudolph's mentally retarded cousin who's mother drank heavily while pregnant. He is an absolutely a die-hard Bucks fan, but it's hard to rev up the crowd when he's constantly getting distracted by someone dangling their keys or by the fat guy in those perplexing High Life ads (above).

Moondog (Cleveland Cavaliers)
Named after the guy who coined the phrase "rock n roll," Moondog has the face of your girlfriend's dog that won't stop humping your leg. An issue that went unreported in the Cavs/Varejao negotiations was that Anderson wanted a guarantee from the team that Moondog would keep away from his legs, which were rubbed completely raw by the finals last year.

Benny the Bull (Chicago Bulls)
It's not hard to say that watching the Bulls play this year is a little sore on the eyes. Thank god for Benny and his massive head. His constantly moving bobble head draws your eyes away from the lack of enjoyable basketball and Skiles' hideous comb-over. At first it's entertaining. By the end of the third quarter, you're cowering in the corner thinking that Benny's going to run right through your wall and stampede your ass.

So who's the creepiest in the Central Division?
	Hooper
	Boomer and Bowser
	Bango
	Moondog
	Benny the Bull
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