Breaking News: Golden State To Regret This

Yes, boys and girls, Chris Webber is joining the Golden State Warriors.

The deal is for the veteran minimum, which may not sound like a high risk, but you have to remember that with NBA personalities there rarely is such a thing as a "low-risk acquisition". Keep in mind that Webber, a guy with shot knees, a diminishing shooting stroke, aged 34 years, who takes the occasional night off or three, had a huge enough ego that he had a list of requirements that a team had to fulfill before he deemed them worthy of his presence. I am not joking. They are as follows:

1) Play for a contender.

2) Play in a big market city.

3) Amongst a team of stars, still be guarenteed to play a certain amount of minutes every night (this held up his talks with the Lakers, Pistons, and Magic, who would have used him for sweat-mopping duty).

The cajones to demand such things while your knees are composed of the same substance that Han Solo was entombed in is madness. Why stop there? I say just keep demanding stuff, Chris!

4) Privelage to command team henchmen to carry out the immediate demise of anyone (fan or player) who mocks him with a timeout motion like the one he made in that NCAA championship game.

5) Once a month can take a dump in the mascot head before the person puts it on.

6) Force everyone in America to follow that clip of Tyra on her talk show yelling, "Kiss my fat ass!" with "...which Chris Webber tapped."

7) More commercials with Vlade.

On a related note, reasons number 1 through 100 why you might suspect your team is in the shitter? Your coach actually talking about Chris Webber like so:

"I'm afraid if we don't get him here [that] our team is not strong enough to be a playoff team," Nelson said. "That's my biggest fear. I think if he comes it can benefit our team, it can benefit his and my relationship, it can benefit players on this team."

Well, as much as I loved watching the Warriors with their amazing run last year, at least we can cross one contender off of the list a little earlier to focus on the others. I look forward to the future article "Golden State to America: "Yeah...so...that didn't exactly work out".