Sunday, January 6, 2008

Celtics-Pistons Eastern Conference Finals Preview: January Edition

This week, whenever any annoying NBA fans say, "When did the Celtics play the Pistons? When did Boston play Detroit? When will they face off in an Eastern Conference preview?" You can stop their nonstop questions with a loud, "OVER THE WEEKEND, YOU STUPID BITCH!"

Please consult this video for proper delivery and inflection:

Yes, the Celtics and Pistons did indeed square off this past weekend, with the Celtics winning 92-85. Big Baby Davis, our surefire sign that the Celtics are practicing witchcraft, lit up the Pistons for 20 points in 22 minutes and momentarily reminded America that that LSU team existed (sorry, Tyrus're not exactly pulling your weight in that area).

So with the Celtics winning this past game and the Pistons winning the first, what does it mean in the grand scheme of things?

Well, that I guess it shows that it will be a fun Eastern Conference finals. At this point, those two teams are MILES ahead of any other team in the East, and unless Stan Van Gundy strips down, covers himself with baby oil, and takes the court with the Magic, there is no other real challenger (sorry, Bucks fans.)

This leads us to an interesting mindset that many NBA Eastern Conference fans will soon adopt. To have their team in the Finals this year, there simply needs to be some sort of injury to one of the big three on Boston and/or one of the big 4 on Detroit. This idea was first mentioned on Kissing Suzy Kolber, where the great minds over there were blatantly wishing for an injury to Tom Brady so their team could have a fighting chance. Well, now that same idea applies to that other Boston powerhouse. -And THIS team has Leprechauns on its side!

What makes the new-look monster Celtics hard to stomach is that, unlike the Patriots, the Celtics aren't really a team of cocky villains. This makes wishing for injuries a tough moral dilemma. Most people like Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce (albeit cocky) isn't too bad either. There is no supermodel-banging, trash-talking, posing in a Brokeback Mountain fashion (see left) Tom Brady on this team. Doc Rivers is substantially nicer than the cameraman-tossing, handshake-denying, blatantly-cheating Bill Belichick. Randy Moss would probably beat up little tykes like Rajon Rondo. They're just not evil enough yet.

As for the Pistons? Well, they've already won a title and as of now aren't taking my suggestions to make them more watchable, so they're on their own.

For now, let's all keep our heads cool and enjoy these Celtics and Pistons teams until Chris Webber formally joins them or Bill Simmons ruins them with nonstop praise.

As soon as either of those things happen, run for the hills Flip Saunders, because the nation will have Jeff Gillooly's cell phone ringing.


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